"I don"t want this lifestyle, Dalton," she said tersely, her tone convincing enough that it sucked all the air from my lungs.
Six words from Cammie"s lips were all it took to send fissures straight through my heart. I knew she was scared, but I"d underestimated how deeply my choice of profession would affect her. After all, she"d seemed so fine with it at first. h.e.l.l, she probably had been until I had to go and disappear on her without a f.u.c.king trace, and now she was pushing me away, just like she had back in high school.
I let her back then, but I couldn"t let her now. If she truly believed I"d go down without a fight, she didn"t know me at all. This entire conversation reminded me of the last time we"d spoken in high school, giving me an eerie sense of deja vu . . .
a a a Our entire senior cla.s.s had headed to Disneyland for Grad Night, and although I didn"t really want to go, I had been convinced by my buddies that it was our last hurrah together before leaving for college. Cammie still wasn"t f.u.c.king talking to me, and I still had no idea why.
The busses were loaded alphabetically, so I wasn"t allowed on Cammie"s bus for the near two-hour drive each way. It p.i.s.sed me off, because part of my plan to get her to talk to me again included her being in a confined s.p.a.ce where she couldn"t run away. I convinced myself that I would be hard to resist for four hours. But that was before the alphabetical s.h.i.t.
Once we got to the park, I was cruising through Tomorrowland with my buddies when I spotted Cammie and Kristy walking together toward a food vendor.
"Guys, I"ll be right back. I wanna talk to Cammie for a second," I told my friends.
"Cammie Carmichael? Why?" Russell asked.
"Because," I said simply, and he didn"t question me because, well, because we were guys and guys tended not to do that kind of s.h.i.t.
Jogging toward her, I saw Kristy notice my approach, and I hoped she wouldn"t tip Cammie off. I touched her shoulder as she stood in line and she turned, startled before realizing it was me. Her eyes didn"t light up the way they had in our photography cla.s.s, and she leaned away from my hand, putting distance between her body and mine.
That hurt.
"Cammie, please talk to me. Go on a ride with me so we can work this out, please," I begged.
"Go away," she said, her voice completely unemotional as it sliced through me.
"I can"t convince you to go on the cars with me? I"ll let you drive." I tried to be sweet and make her laugh, but it was apparently the wrong approach.
"I hate that ride," she said, and she almost sounded convincing. "Come on, Kristy, let"s go."
And just like that, she walked away from me, disappearing from sight into the crowd. I didn"t chase her, go after her, or try again. She turned down my offer and I let her go. Like an idiot.
I didn"t run into her for the rest of the night, and I didn"t speak to her again before I moved away. And that regret had haunted me ever since.
Heart Can"t Take Losing Him Too.
Cammie.
Dalton walked out the door, albeit reluctantly, after I told him I didn"t want this lifestyle. I watched the hope fall from his eyes, like I"d punched him in the face with a truth he couldn"t fathom or understand. Closing my front door behind him, I sucked in my resolve, swallowed it whole, and almost woke Kristy up to tell her everything before deciding that it could wait until tomorrow. If I told her now, sleep would probably elude me for the rest of the night, and I desperately needed some rest, pill-free.
I tossed and turned for what seemed like hours, the gravity of my decision weighing heavy on me instead of freeing me like I thought it might. My mind tried to convince me that I had done the right thing, the best thing for my future sanity and well-being, but my heart, my stupid traitorous heart vehemently disagreed. If my heart had hands, it would be punching me from the inside right now, demanding to be let out of its cage so it could duke it out with my brain. Winner take all.
It was exhausting, having the two most powerful parts of you at odds. I always took it for granted when they were on the same page, perfectly aligned with the same wants and needs. But now, this epic battle of wills going on inside me made me feel like a spectator in my own body. I prayed for clarity in my dreams, but was disappointed.
Opening my eyes the next morning after a dreamless sleep, I noticed Kristy blinking awake as well. I lay facing her, my knees practically curled all the way up to my chest. "I ended things with Dalton last night."
"What the heck are you talking about?" She turned toward me, causing the mattress to dip between us before she shot straight up. "Wait! Did you talk to him? Is he okay? Where was he? Tell me everything!"
"He showed up here last night."
"When? Where the h.e.l.l was I?" She whined out the last bit, as if she"d missed out on the most exciting thing in years.
"Sleeping. It was after midnight."
"Talk faster," she said, circling a hand in the air to hurry me up.
"He had to fly to New York. Something happened with the case he was working on, and apparently his whole squad flew to New York without any notice. He came straight here after he landed."
She c.o.c.ked her head to the side. "That"s a good thing, right? Wait, why didn"t he call you? And why did you end things?"
"His cell phone was in his car and his partner drove that day. He said his partner never drives," I said with a small sigh.
"That makes sense to me. Dalton"s never been a liar. Do you think he"s lying?"
This was the lawyer side of Kristy, the side where she asked a million questions, all trying to get the answer she looked for. "I don"t think he was lying. I believe him," I said.
"Then why end it?"
Looking away, I bit at my lip. "Because I can"t do this with him. I can"t date a cop."
My mom had fallen apart when my dad was killed. The light had vacated her eyes for years before it ever started coming back. She stopped making sure I got up for school, because she wasn"t getting up at all. I was forced to fend for myself for dinner, lunch, and every other meal that we had once shared together as a family. Our family was broken, and my mom seemed convinced it could never be repaired. Essentially, she acted as if I didn"t exist anymore, as if she"d lost me at the same time she"d lost my dad.
I tried to talk to her through her bedroom door, calling out her name, begging her to come eat with me. But she never stirred, never responded, and never left her room. It was like that for months, to the point where I started to forget that there used to be happiness in our house, and laughter.
My mom lost something the day my dad was killed, but I didn"t blame her. In fact, it made me realize that I wanted to make sure that I never experienced that kind of pain for myself. And I sure as s.h.i.t didn"t want it for any kids I might have in the future. There was no way I could date Dalton and not have panic attacks as I constantly feared for his safety.
"Don"t you think you"re going a little overboard?" Kristy blinked her eyes before fixing her gaze on me.
"Really?" My eyebrows shot to my hairline. "You think I"m going overboard?"
"I think you"re being irrational." The words slipped from her lips, sounding calm and collected as they pierced me with their sting.
Hurt and a little p.i.s.sed off, I demanded, "How the h.e.l.l am I being irrational? No really, Kristy, explain this to me."
"This is Dalton Thomas we"re talking about. The guy you"ve never stopped thinking or caring about for the last ten years. h.e.l.l, the guy you"d had a crush on for four years before that. To throw it all away, when he so clearly came here just for you, is not only irrational, it"s irresponsible." She stared at me triumphantly when she finished, and I suddenly felt like I was witnessing closing arguments in a case I wasn"t aware I was a part of.
"You think I don"t know all of those things? You think they haven"t crossed my mind? I know what I"m throwing away-"
"Do you hear yourself? Throwing away!" she yelled at me as she cut me off. "You don"t throw people away, Cammie!"
I raised my voice to match hers. "I can"t do this with him! I can"t go through what my mom did. If anything happened to Dalton, I couldn"t live through that. Don"t you get it?"
"Don"t you?" She leveled me with a look of anguish. "Losing Dalton would gut you no matter what. Whether you were with him or not."
"It would be worse if we were together. You know that"s true."
"We should go see your mom," Kristy suggested, and I bristled.
"My mom? Why?" I all but spat out at her.
"Because she"s the one who has the best perspective on this sort of situation." Her eyes lit up as she moved to start getting changed out of her pajamas. "And if we don"t go see her now, you"ll stick with this insane decision of yours for way too long, and waste tons of time not being with Dalton when you could have been with him the whole time. Then you"ll be p.i.s.sed about all the time you wasted, and I don"t want to deal with that."
"You just have it all figured out, don"t you?" I asked, shaking my head.
"You know I do," she said, her voice m.u.f.fled as she pulled her top over her head.
I c.o.c.ked an eyebrow at her. "You really think my mom will be on your side with this?"
"I"m not sure. But I definitely think you"re reacting defensively instead of thinking clearly. And I think your mom will agree with my a.s.sessment," she said with a confident smile.
I gave her a snarling frown I didn"t really feel. "No way. You"re not going to like what she has to say."
"I bet I will," she said as she stuck her tongue out.
a a a Pulling up to my old house overflowed my too-full emotional cup. My mom still lived in the same white house with blue shutters that I"d grown up in, on the same street where I learned how to ride a bike as my dad pretended to hold on to the seat while I begged him not to let me go.
I remembered looking behind me to see him halfway down the street as I lost my balance and crashed into a parked car . . .
"You okay, punkin"?" Dad had asked as he ran up to me, pulling my body and my bike up in one swift movement.
"I can"t believe you let go," I"d said, trying not to cry as I glared up at him.
"You didn"t need me to hold on anymore." He"d smiled and the warmth had melted my little heart. "You did it!" He"d sounded so proud, and it had filled me with joy that could only come from a parent"s words.
I ran my hand over the roughness of the stucco as Kristy and I stood at the front door, my fingers grazing across the familiar sharp edges. "Did you tell her we were coming?" I asked Kristy, worried that I hadn"t even warned my mom with a text message that we were stopping by.
"I told her," she said as she led the way. Kristy opened the front door as if she lived there, walked in, and shouted for my mom.
Very little in the house had changed over the years, except for the new carpet my mom had put in two years ago. She finally replaced the worn-out blue with a lighter new sand-colored style. It looked really pretty, and complemented the various shades of brown paint on the walls.
"I"m out here, girls!" My mom"s voice filtered in from somewhere in the backyard, and like we did when we were younger, we both raced toward the sliding gla.s.s door, each of us trying to get to her first.
We stepped outside to find my mom kneeling in her flower garden, a hat covering her shoulder-length brown hair. She was pruning her roses, a job she tried to give me as a kid, but I always hated and complained about doing.
She pushed off her knees and smiled as she removed her gardening gloves. "Hi, girls." She greeted us with open arms, and we both squeezed into her embrace. "I"m so glad to see you. To what do I owe this pleasure?"
Kristy turned away. "This one needs your help." She flicked a finger in my direction as my mother c.o.c.ked a brow.
"Is that so?"
"She"s being foolish," Kristy snapped, and I glared at her from behind my sungla.s.ses, wishing she could see the holes I was burning into her.
"I am not!" I whined, suddenly feeling like a preteen all over again.
My mom laughed before directing us inside. "I made sun tea. I"ll pour us some, but let"s talk inside where I can see your faces without squinting." She swatted at both our backsides, and we scooted through the sliding gla.s.s door, out of the blaring sun and into the cool house.
Hopping onto a bar stool, I rested my elbows on the high-top kitchen table as Kristy did the same. My mom poured us all some tea, then placed some sweetener on the table before sitting down across from us.
"So," she said as she removed her hat and ran a hand through her hair, straightening out tangles with her fingers. "Who"s going to go first?"
Kristy and I started talking over each other before my mom held up a hand, signaling for us to stop. She pointed at Kristy, who immediately blurted, "Well, your daughter"s being an idiot with her heart."
I slanted a glare in my best friend"s direction. "Oh my G.o.d, really?"
"She"s been in love with this guy since she was a freshman," Kristy continued, as if I didn"t pipe up at all.
"In high school?" Mom asked after she"d sipped at her tea. "This is someone you"ve had feelings for since high school?"
I averted my eyes, looking down at my drink instead of meeting her gaze, not knowing what to say. I was certain that I"d mentioned Dalton to my mom at some point before Dad died, but that didn"t mean she would remember him.
"First loves always have a place in your heart," my mom said with conviction. "But that doesn"t necessarily mean there"s any more to it than that. Sometimes it"s just the familiarity and comfort that calls to us."
"No. It"s not that." Kristy jumped in, apparently feeling perfectly within her right to speak on my behalf.
Raising a brow at Kristy, I said, "Why am I even here?"
"It"s not that," Kristy said again, this time with more authority. "Mom, you know we just had our ten-year reunion, right?"
My mom cracked a smile that didn"t quite hide her sadness. "That"s right. I"m sorry, I didn"t even call to ask how it was. Was he there? This boy from high school?"
"Dalton," Kristy added, and I folded my arms. My presence was clearly not necessary for this conversation.
"Dalton. And he was there?" Mom leaned forward, her gaze pinging between Kristy and me as if we were sharing secrets, her voice taking on a confidential tone.
"Oh yeah. He was there, all right." Kristy let out a howl of a laugh.
I rolled my eyes. "Can we skip every detail and just get to it?"
Mom laughed. "She"s right. I don"t need to hear everything. Just the parts where Cammie"s being foolish." When I narrowed my eyes at my mom, she added, "Her words, not mine," and pointed at Kristy.
Kristy sucked in a quick breath. "Okay. Cammie has liked Dalton for forever, and she never really got over him. She"ll tell you she did, but the truth is that she didn"t. And apparently he hasn"t ever gotten over her either. But he"s a cop now." Kristy paused as Mom"s eyes narrowed and her lips pressed together in a hard line. "He went missing the other day, and Cammie freaked out. Rightfully so, don"t get me wrong," Kristy said, turning to look at me.
"What do you mean, he went missing?" my mom asked as her eyebrows pulled together in confusion and concern.
"Something to do with the case he was working on. He got flown back to New York with no notice and no cell phone, so he couldn"t call her or anything."
"I bet that really scared you, didn"t it?" Mom asked, staring right at me, but I didn"t respond.
It scared the s.h.i.t out of me. My mother already knew the answer, and I was afraid that if I commented at all, I"d break down and have to fill her in on the panic attack I had that resulted in my ER visit. I didn"t want to tell her about that, not wanting her to worry about me.
Kristy finished up her CliffsNotes version. "So now your daughter says she can"t date him because she doesn"t want to date a cop. Because she can"t go through what you went through."
d.a.m.n. Kristy"s version sounded brutal when she laid it all out like that.