11/23

“It isn’t giving up, it’s knowing that getting tired is okay.”

-x-

Tatay is working so hard for the family that"s why he hasn"t been home as told by her Nanay to convince herself and the children. Since the day Jhing knew white lies can ruin her, her lips opted to produce words with full honesty. She doesn"t want to give anyone false hope, either party will just get hurt in the end.

She has felt it before, and no one deserves that emotion.

But waking up with a heavy heart and the news that Miko left early in the morning made Jhing wish Yel lied to her.

“Tatay saw him off in the terminal," Yel said making Jhing’s heart churn. “He got wet in the rain last night too so he said that it"s better if he goes back in Manila."

A petty feeling, yes, but Jhing’s blood boiled because of the truth. Her only salvation was far away from her because of the person she needed to be saved from. What rights does he have to send Miko home? She became even more p.i.s.sed. She hoped she can be in her apartment right now but her body declined to move.

Jhing felt a lot more tired, helpless…empty.

And maybe… maybe she expected Miko to call or text her but nothing came up.

When afternoon came, her siblings forced to wake her up. Jhing didn"t want to. She didn"t even want to move. She just wanted to scream "leave me alone!" but ended up with tears. Jhing was getting mad at them for no reason.

She must stop the negative feelings but she couldn’t.

“Ate Jhing.” Letlet entered the room with a plate of lechon manok and rice on her hand. “Tatay bought this! Let"s eaaaat. It"s deliciouss!”

Those words only increased Jhing"s loss of appet.i.te.

He had money for lechon manok but none for hospital bills? Wow.

No one could make her move from her bed except for her Tatay who finally got home. Jhing"s ears bled from continuous yelling of her Tatay so she quickly gets up to eat her meal.

She hadn’t eaten anything since this morning but she wasn’t feeling hungry at all— just empty.

The table had foods they didn’t normally have as if they"re having a celebration today/ What"s funny is that her Tatay can spend on more important things but he"d rather spend his money with foods like these. As they ate, Jhing remained silent when her Tatay asked her a question from the living room.

“When are you going back to Manila?”

His voice stung in her ears. It was like a nightmare— hearing his voice, seeing his face, and looking at him for more than a day. It has been a year the last time Jhing saw him, but the buried pain was still there.

“Tomorrow.”

Nanay turned to look at her. “Already? Why don"t you stay for a week? We missed you.”

And what, see Tatay"s face every single day? Last time that happened, he almost kicked me out of the house because of my desire of becoming an author.

No thanks.

Jhing kept silent and was surprised when her Tatay sat beside her—on the seat where Miko sat before. He quietly grabbed food for himself. Her Tatay eating dinner with the whole family? Wow. What did he eat today? Uh, lechon manok?

And was she really gone home for too long? Her siblings didn"t even get surprised by his actions!

How her siblings can smile at the man beside her was way beyond her thinking.

Jhing stared at her plate the whole dinner. She didn"t join their conversation but she found out that he is now working, getting paid, and he only drank a few beers last night because of his friend"s birthday.

New life? Hah. Last time she believed he was a renewed man, he was more violent when he got angry.

Tatay broke the ice between them. "Stay here until the weekend," he said.

It was a command, not a plea, just like every single thing he said the past years since Jhing was a kid; like a commander to his soldier— far from a father to his daughter.

Jhing closed her eyes thinking that maybe… maybe she didn’t want to be a soldier anymore.. that maybe… maybe what she desired for a father to ask her if she was okay and not a commander who orders her to be okay.

But of course, she couldn’t have everything she wanted.

The following days, Jhing had a routine: do nothing, ignore everyone, keep silent or else: hurt loved ones with snarky words which will only make her cry in the end, and read stories. She couldn"t even take a bath even though she wants to. Her body doesn"t want to cooperate with her.

During those days, there were no texts or calls from Miko to save her from the chaos inside her. She was losing hope.

Like I thought.

She couldn’t be saved just like how she expected. The rain even proved that to her. Everything objected her giving up and surrendering to Miko.

No one can save her.

After not bathing for four days, she pa.s.sed by a body mirror and saw her reflection, wrecked and soulless like a zombie in human flesh trying to be a person but failing miserably.

She hated what she could see and cannot see. Her soul was full of hatred and it felt like it was burning her alive. To smile was a futile attempt. Even her lips felt heavy, she can"t raise the corners. Her hair was messy just like her face and clothes for four freaking days.

Looking down, she stared at the scar on her thigh— healed, not painful, but ugly on her eyes and will last for the rest of her life.

Jhing was great at hiding her emotional turmoil but looking in the mirror, her outside self was screaming chaos.

She came back to Manila when Sat.u.r.day came—when her Tatay wasn’t at home. Her Nanay told her to wait for him, but of course, Jhing wouldn’t do that. She was excited to go home and lay down on her own bed in her own apartment. Even though she was alone, she felt free.

Her heart felt lighter.

The next working day, Jhing expected to see Miko but he was absent for 3 days. The morning when Miko went to work, Jhing’s head boiled remembering how he left her and didn’t talk to her the past days. Although, when they pa.s.sed by each other, she got really nervous so she ended up ignoring him.

Wrong move.

When the gang, lead by Yayo, talked about Miko at lunch after random topics—it was Jhing’s cue to stand up and walk away from the conversation. But she was taken aback when she saw Miko on her place, sitting on her chair. She got p.i.s.sed again… but f.u.c.k! She doesn"t have the right to get angry!

The conflicting emotion was f.u.c.king her up.

Ignoring Miko’s stare and attempt to talk, she spoke in the most casual tone she could muster, “E-excuse me. I need to go back to work.”

Miko stood up. When Jhing sat and started editing the ma.n.u.scripts, she can feel the man"s presence behind her. She knew ignoring someone would make them leave eventually— but not Miko. Never Miko.

Even July who wanted to go back to her cubicle decided not to because Miko was there. She gave Miko and Jhing privacy in the public place.

“You"re ignoring me,” Miko said.

His voice was tired just like his eyes. And like Yayo mentioned, Miko’s stubbles on his jaw was an indication that he was too busy with other things—that he didn’t even have the chance to shave.

For a moment, Jhing wanted to know what was in Miko’s mind.

“I"m just busy.” She wished her voice sounded softer… but it didn’t.

“Did I do something wrong?” he asked. “Was it because of the prank? Or because I left—”

“None. No.” She cut him off.

Her eyes started to burn… because of looking at the screen for too long. It wasn’t because of tears. Nope. Not tears.

“No?” he asked. “What do I need to do?”

Jhing pushed the b.u.t.tons on her keyboard harder. She kept deleting and rewriting what she wanted to comment because she kept spelling words wrong. In the end, she just deleted everything because it didn"t make any sense.

“None.”

Shut up, Jhing.

“Jhing. What should I do?”

A tear fell on her keyboard. She quickly wiped the tears who wanted to follow that first drop. She steadied herself as she tried to act normal, but her lips quivered. Jhing lowered her head.

“I told you, none.”

Shut the h.e.l.l up, Riona Jayne!

“Just don’t.”

You"re going to regret this.

“You don"t need to do anything.”

Enough!

You’re hurting him and yourself!

Keep quiet! Silent!

Shut your mouth!

“In the first place, you shouldn"t do anything at all."

“You"re confusing me.”

I know, she was dying to say. I"m so confusing. s.h.i.t.

Jhing shifted her eyes and saw Miko with her peripheral vision. “Is it okay if we talk about this later?" Stop it. “I"m still busy.”

Please, Jhing. Just… just shut up.

She heard Miko heave a long sigh before he walked away—not towards his cubicle but outside. Jhing bit her lip and felt the pain and the blood on her peeling lips. The tears blurred her eyes, but she still continued working.

Miko did not show up the rest of the day.

Her name should be Riona Jayne “horrible, f.u.c.ked up, and a mess – Jhing” Blanco.

The words perfectly fit her.

Jhing was feeling more like a zombie as days pa.s.sed. Her office mates were aware of it but didn’t make a move to ask out of respect. Miko also left her alone just like what she told him to. f.u.c.k. She wanted this, right? This was her plan from the start, but because the universe loathes her, her only plan backfired.

Her heart broke into tiny pieces and Jhing was getting tired of fixing it over and over again.

One week.

Two weeks.

Three weeks.

A month pa.s.sed.

No one dared to initiate a conversation or even a smile between them. Even though Miko and Jhing are in the same department, their pair of eyes didn"t dare to meet. Even Miko made it easier because he rarely goes to the office now and finished his work at home.

A silent agreement that talking to each other will hurt them more so they kept everything to themselves.

And it was killing Jhing inside… and the pain was greater than before.

“Jhing,” Fall called her out of a trance.

She"s sleeping over at Fall"s to stop overthinking, but even though she"s not alone anymore, her thought continues flooding in.  

“I have a question.”

“What?”

“What is depression?”

Both of them were focused on their screen—Fall on her laptop and Jhing on her phone. They"re writing new chapters to update their stories on Wattpad. Maybe it"s weird writing with someone, but it was much better than being alone.

As if on cue, an account Jhing was following posted something about depression. She read it loud, “It’s like drowning.” Ah, relate. “Only you see everyone around you breathing.”

Fall smiled and typed in something on her laptop. A few minutes, she said, “Or maybe! You think everyone you see is breathing but the truth is, we’re all drowning.”

Seconds after absorbing what Fall said, she laughed. “Shiiitt. I got nose-bleed from my own English lines!" and just like a queen of topic changing, Fall nudged her. “Hey ah, join us in Anaw.a.n.gin! No talk-s.h.i.t!”

“Fine,” she surrendered.

Jhing tried to be casual at work.

Fall may actually be right; if she was drowning, maybe everyone was too. She’s just too blind of her own sadness she couldn’t see pa.s.s through the laughs and smiles of others—that maybe the others also try to be happy, try to swim up, breathe air and avoid drowning.

But seriously though, Miko’s smile was a lot more depressing than Jhing thought it would.

He was smiling at everyone….

Except her.

When evening came, Yayo forced Miko to join them as they ride home because he hasn"t been in the office for a long time. Yayo was the one who did the talking while July commented—both of them are fooling around with Miko. Facio was with Jhing as they walk in front of the three.

When they entered the jeep, everyone looked at Miko who bid them goodbye.

“Uy, you"re not going with us?”

Miko smiled at Yayo and shook his head. “I just forgot something.” his voice was low— nothing cheerful from the tone. “You can all go ahead.”

As Jhing looked at him with questions, he never looked back with answers.

Miko avoiding her was f.u.c.king up her mind no matter how much she didn"t want to think about. Nothing to complain, it was a taste of her bitter medicine; though, she thought medicine heals pain. It doesn’t.

When she reached her apartment, Anna, her neighbor, knocked on the door and gave her a box.

“You got a package a while ago. I received it on your behalf."

“Thanks, Anna?” she said, unsure, and closed the door after the shared smile between them.

The box was heavy and wrapped with bond papers taped together.

Her mind repeated Miko’s name and his extravagant ways to surprise her— and she sure was surprised with the gift: a brand new laptop.

The gift was definitely not from Miko, and the readable and familiar handwritten letter proved it.

Baby.

I know this is not enough for all the things I have done. If you can, tell your friend Miko I"m thankful for his help. I really have no knowledge when it comes to technologies.

I hope you can use this laptop for writing and working.

Tatay

A single letter, not dramatic or depressing, made Jhing felt like her heart dropped and a comforting hand caught it: her Tatay’s power over her.

To hug the laptop was a pathetic move, but she did. She didn"t care if her neighbors hear her and think she was crazy as she continued sobbing. Jhing vented out all the hidden emotions in her heart—not knowing it was there in the first place.

She knew she was angry and sad, and longed for a father but she hates and loves him at the same time. Both hands clenched the laptop, holding it in her arms as if hugging it was her lifeline and letting go will give her heart attack.

Jhing curled up on her apartment’s bed just like what she did back at their home. The difference is, she wasn"t forcing herself to be strong and empty. This time, Jhing kept repeating her sorry over and over again to everyone who can’t hear her.

After crying for a long time, her body felt lighter.

Her tired eyes stared at the ceiling. Her whole body was tired like she went to a battle and fought for years but the outcome wasn’t what she expected— no one neither loses nor wins… the war didn’t even exist.

But Jhing knows that this isn"t the end. It will always be a cycle. The love and hate between her Tatay and hers.

She wanted to text her Nanay, to thank him. Or Miko, to tell something… but she ended up texting no one. Jhing looked like a mess when she went to Fall"s home the next day for their weekend overnight.

But instead of writing, Jhing asked for something.

“Slap me.”

Fall froze. “What?”

“Slap my face.”

“Ha? Why?”

Jhing held Fall’s arm. “Don"t hold back,” she said and wanted to add, so I can recover my senses.

“Wait. Are you serious?”

“Hurry!”

s.h.i.t.

She wasn"t prepared.

Fall"s palm probably got etched on Jhing"s cheek. Her sight swirled a bit and she even felt as if everything went silent.

“That hurts!” She caressed her burning cheek as curses after curses escaped from her lips.

Fall quickly put a distance between them and grabbed a pillow to cover her own face. "Hey, f.u.c.k you," she said helplessly. “You"re the one who told me to not hold back! This isn"t my fault!"

Jhing stared at Fall. Looking back, she didn’t expect they would be friends— or close at that matter. She was the only one… or one of the two, who continued to stay with her no matter how cold she was. In the end, Jhing let her guard down with Fall.

She seems like on drugs all the time, but Fall knew the right words to say. She knew when to get serious and when to joke around. Out of nowhere— like what she wanted for friendship. Out of nowhere, the two clicked, and who would have guessed a friend’s slap will let her feeling empowered much more to fix what she had wronged.

Although, she slapped Fall after—for revenge.

It hurts like h.e.l.l ah!

“What"s your problem?” Fall asked as she touched her cheek with a red mark of Jhing’s hand.

“Nothing.”

“Are you insane?” Fall arched a brow. Jhing was going to curse at her but she stopped when Fall asked: “Are you okay?”

Jhing laughed— remembering Miko avoiding her at all cost, every laugh tastes bitter. “If I told you no, are you going to tell me you"re still here for me?”

“Lol.” Fall rolled her eyes. “I have my own life beh. My hands are already full, but if you want to rant and vent your feelings, go ahead… Uh well, asking for advice is not free though."

“I’m not asking for advice.”

Fall nodded. “Right. I"m not going to give you any anyway." When the two fell silent, Fall stopped what she was doing and added, “I think to save a person from depression, you shouldn"t give her an advice if she"s not asking for it."

Jhing stared at Fall who smiled at her.

“And it"s bulls.h.i.t if I also told you that I"m here for you because, really, how will my presence help you?" she laughed. “It"s only empty words because the I"m here for you part is to make your mood lighter."  

“But it works.”

Fall nodded. “Sometimes. But do you know what will work best?”

“What?”

Fall showed her laptop"s screen and pointed at the announcement of Miko’s status. “Let"s go to his artist talk. You two should stop ignoring each other because, G.o.ddammit, you"re both too emo! I can"t take it anymore!"

Maybe it was Fall’s plan or maybe it wasn’t but Jhing didn’t care anymore. The next week, Jhing went to Miko"s artist talk alone. Fall got "sick" so her Mom "didn"t" want to let her out.

Jhing’s legs wobbled as she went inside the auditorium of the school. She sat in the middle—not too far but not too close.

She doesn"t what will happen, but she was hopeful.

While sitting with high school students, the artist talk started with some guy named Lemon, JPEG, and the last was Miko.

When she saw him, Jhing"s eyes welled up. She was scared. She knows that are too many people for Miko to notice her from the stage but she was hopeful that at the end of the day, they will have the chance to talk… or something.

f.u.c.k it. She had no plan.

Everyone who was watching was focusing on Miko talking about art, how to manage a studio, and how to survive the corporate world. The joker side of Miko never disappeared so people laughed from time to time but he was more professional—maybe it"s because of the eyegla.s.ses, the stubbles prominent on his jaw, his smart casual outfit, his voice booming in the four corners of the auditorium, or his pa.s.sion for art and ill.u.s.trations.

At the middle of his talk, everyone— including Miko— looked at Jhing… or the person behind her. His phone suddenly rang loudly so it made everyone stopped. The student kept on saying sorry before going out of the auditorium from embarra.s.sment.

Jhing saw Miko’s eyes at her. His widened eyes and stutter in his voice was an a.s.surance for Jhing to know he saw her. He knew she was there, watching.

She smiled at him.

Hoped he would do the same.

But Miko did not.

… she begged her tears to not fall.

“This white canvas is like a human—like us,” Miko started. The big screen showed Miko’s photoshop doc.u.ment. “If it got stained, even though it"s just a small bit of stain—" He put a dot on the canvas.

"You will see it. You will notice that stain.”

Others nodded in agreement while Jhing kept silent.

“But if the stain increased.” Miko started drawing lines on the canvas. “We can create an art that came from that what you thought was dirt.” As he worked with his drawing, Miko asked the audience. “Do you know why it"s an art?“

“Because it"s pretty?” one student answered.

“It has a deep meaning!” the other one commented.

“Hipster!” said the other.

Miko laughed. “Because art is,” he said as he continued with his drawing. “Free. Whatever it wants to be, it can. Who cares if the people who see it likes the art or not?”

Jhing saw Miko looked at her. His face void of any emotion.

“The thing is, there are those who can"t accept that they are artistic," he said. “That"s the problem. They can"t see the beauty because they keep focusing on that stain—that dot that tainted their whole being."

She heard a few comments from the students around her saying, “wow so good”, “how pretty!” and “what did he say? I don"t get it.” On the other hand, the student next to Jhing kept looking at her curiously.

Miko laughed. “I was trying to become emotional so you all can be inspired and amazed… but honestly, I don"t understand what I just said either." His words made the audience laughed.

It was a miracle that Jhing could stop her tears as Miko’s final work was a sketch of her—smiling— for everyone to see.

Jhing lost her courage to speak to Miko. She wished Fall was with her to give her a boost, but looking at Miko’s back with students talking to him was a slap in the face that she was weaker than she thought.

He was walking away from her.

She couldn’t stop him.

For plan B of her drastic and pathetic moves, Jhing was hopeful she could talk to Miko again at the office; but she got shocked by Miss Mary Zue’s news:

Miko resigned.

“I don"t have any more inspiration for working!” Yayo said after Miss Mary Zue left. “I can"t do this, I resign!”

“Seriously?” July asked.

“Just kidding.”

Everyone laughed to lighten the mood, except for Jhing who couldn’t see any light. Her aura was grim, so no one talked to her. July also stopped bothering her.

When they went back to work, Jhing busied herself. Almost all the ma.n.u.scripts she was reading was p.i.s.sing her off.

And every time Miko crossed her mind, Jhing"s hate for herself increased.

She wanted to punch and stab herself with a pen until she gets her s.h.i.t together.

Fortunately, Miss Vams called her name. She gave her a flash drive. “Ill.u.s.trations for the novella. Miko wanted me to give it to you."

She stared at the flash drive. She nodded and smiled when she was told about the novella project finalization.

Jhing"s heart was beating like crazy as the flash drive connected to her computer. Her hands felt cold as it searches for the ill.u.s.tration file. The drive is also filled with Miko"s other ill.u.s.tration novella projects which Jhing also took a peek.

Then she saw one file name folder:

072816_novella project_hers

She clicked it and stopped herself from tearing up.

Miko knows.

He knew what the story was all about and he drew the familiar scenes like it was fresh from his memory: first time they chatted, the jeepney ride, MIBF stalking, the near koi fish pond, the gifts, their first eye to eye meeting, other random and crazy things that happened and the ending— which was happening to them already.

Him ignoring her and is happy with life.

Her trying to be okay and must be happy with life.

Expectations hurt. Jhing knew that so she didn"t have any expectations, but searching for something on the flash drive made her feel even more wretched than before. She can"t help but wish for something… a letter that they would need to meet and talk? A Miko antics? Anything?

But there was none.

Only ill.u.s.trations were on the flash drive, nothing more.

The next few days were a blur. So many things happened—the Halloween party planning and all that jazz—but Jhing wasn’t in the mood for everything. She smiled and laughed and talked to people like nothing happened.

She was doing great.

Like what she was doing before Miko showed up.

Then Yayo started the talk with how she missed Miko and his joyful aura and his jokes, making Jhing miserable again. She put up an all-nighter at work… only to search Miko on Facebook where one thing that was prominent:

They weren’t friends.

She quickly clicked Add as a Friend. She was anxious while waiting so she closed her eyes as she sends a message.

Nothing.

So she tried again.

Her heart was killing her.

But still nothing.

She wasn’t sure why her tears started to fall.

Was it because of her strained eyes staring too much at the screen? Was it because he was online and commented on one of his posts, but he didn’t accept her friend request? Was it because of trying to make amends, and she was too late?

Or because of her stupidity, he had given up.

Karma… was really a b.i.t.c.h… and so was she.

The tears fell on her keyboard and her heart aches with every beat.

Her hands quivered as she typed in: the last chance for a clean slate.