"Sparks," I said. "Something fizzy, going by in a blur."
"You read about that somewhere, in one of your journals?"
"It"s what I saw," I said. "What I felt, when I had that dream."
"But that"s it! That"s it exactly!" He was perspiring. His face was flushed. His hands were trembling. His whole body was ablaze with a metabolic fervor I had not previously seen in him. He looked like a skeleton who had just trotted off a basketball court after a hard game. He leaned toward me and said, looking suddenly vulnerable in a way that he had never allowed himself to seem with me before, "Are you sure it was only a dream? Or do you go there too?"
Kafka had the right idea. What the anorexic wants is to demonstrate a supreme ability. "Look," she says. "I am a special person. I have an extraordinary gift. I am capable of exerting total control over my body. By refusing food I take command of my destiny. I display supreme force of will. Can you achieve that sort of discipline? Can you even begin to understand it? Of course you can"t. But I can." The issue isn"t really one of worrying about being too fat. That"s just a superficial problem. The real issue is one of exhibiting strength of purpose, of proving that you can accomplish something remarkable, of showing the world what a superior person you really are. So what we"re dealing with isn"t merely a perversely extreme form of dieting. The deeper issue is one of gaining control -- over your body, over your life, even over the physical world itself.
He began to look healthier. There was some color in his cheeks now, and he seemed more relaxed, less twitchy. I had the feeling that he was putting on a little weight, although the medical reports I was getting from his school physician didn"t confirm that in any significant way -- some weeks he"d be up a pound or two, some weeks down, and there was never any net gain. His mother reported that he went through periods when he appeared to be showing a little interest in food, but these were usually followed by periods of rigorous fasting or at best his typical sort of reluctant nibbling. There was nothing in any of this that I could find tremendously encouraging, but I had the definite feeling that I was starting to reach him, that I was beginning to win him back from the brink.
Timothy said, "I have to be weightless in order to get there. I mean, literally weightless. Where I am now, it"s only a beginning. I need to lose all the rest."
"Only a beginning," I said, appalled, and jotted a few quick notes.
"I"ve attained takeoff capability. But I can never get far enough. I run into a barrier on the way down, just as I"m entering the truly structural regions of the chip."
"Yet you do get right into the interior of the chip."
"Into it, yes. But I don"t attain the real understanding that I"m after. Perhaps the problem"s in the chip itself, not in me. Maybe if I tried a quantum-well chip instead of a MOSFET I"d get where I want to go, but they aren"t ready yet, or if they are I don"t have any way of getting my hands on one. I want to ride the probability waves, do you see? I want to be small enough to grab hold of an electron and stay with it as it zooms through the lattice." His eyes were blazing. "Try talking about this stuff with my brother. Or anyone. The ones who don"t understand think I"m crazy. So do the ones who do."
"You can talk here, Timothy."
"The chip, the integrated circuit -- what we"re really talking about is transistors, microscopic ones, maybe a billion of them arranged side by side. Silicon or germanium, doped with impurities like boron, a.r.s.enic, sometimes other things. On one side are the N-type charge carriers, and the P-type ones are on the other, with an insulating layer between; and when the voltage comes through the gate, the electrons migrate to the P-type side, because it"s positively charged, and the holes, the zones of positive charge, go to the N-type side. So your basic logic circuit -- " He paused. "You following this?"
"More or less. Tell me about what you feel as you start to go downward into a chip."
It begins, he said, with a rush, an upward surge of almost ecstatic force: he is not descending but floating. The floor falls away beneath him as he dwindles. Then comes the intensifying of perception, dust-motes quivering and twinkling in what had a moment before seemed nothing but empty air, and the light taking on strange new refractions and shimmerings. The solid world begins to alter. Familiar shapes -- the table, a chair, the computer before him -- vanish as he comes closer to their essence. What he sees now is detailed structure, the intricacy of surfaces: no longer a forest, only trees. Everything is texture and there is no solidity. Wood and metal become strands and webs and mazes. Canyons yawn. Abysses open. He goes inward, drifting, tossed like a feather on the molecular breeze.
It is no simple journey. The world grows grainy. He fights his way through a dust-storm of swirling granules of oxygen and nitrogen, an invisible blizzard battering him at every step. Ahead lies the chip he seeks, a magnificent thing, a gleaming radiant Valhalla. He begins to run toward it, heedless of obstacles. Giant rainbows sweep the sky: dizzying floods of pure color, hammering down with a force capable of deflecting the wandering atoms. And then -- then -- The chip stands before him like some temple of Zeus rising on the Athenian plain. Giant glowing columns -- yawning gateways -- dark beckoning corridors -- hidden sanctuaries, beyond access, beyond comprehension. It glimmers with light of many colors. A strange swelling music fills the air. He feels like an explorer taking the first stumbling steps into a lost world. And he is still shrinking. The intricacies of the chip swell, surging like metal fungi filling with water after a rain: they spring higher and higher, darkening the sky, concealing it entirely. Another level downward and he is barely large enough to manage the pa.s.sage across the threshold, but he does, and enters. Here he can move freely. He is in a strange canyon whose silvery walls, riven with vast fissures, rise farther than he can see. He runs. He runs. He has infinite energy; his legs move like springs. Behind him the gates open, close, open, close. Rivers of torrential current surge through, lifting him, carrying him along. He senses, does not see, the vibrating of the atoms of silicon or boron; he senses, does not see, the electrons and the not-electrons flooding past, streaming toward the sides, positive or negative, to which they are inexorably drawn.
But there is more. He runs on and on and on. There is infinitely more, a world within this world, a world that lies at his feet and mocks him with its inaccessibility. It swirls before him, a whirlpool, a maelstrom. He would throw himself into it if he could, but some invisible barrier keeps him from it. This is as far as he can go. This is as much as he can achieve. He yearns to reach out as an electron goes careening past, and pluck it from its path, and stare into its heart. He wants to step inside the atoms and breathe the mysterious air within their boundaries. He longs to look upon their hidden nuclei. He hungers for the sight of mesons, quarks, neutrinos. There is more, always more, an unending series of worlds within worlds, and he is huge, he is impossibly clumsy, he is a lurching reeling mountainous t.i.tan, incapable of penetrating beyond this point -- So far, and no farther -- No farther -- * * * *
He looked up at me from the far side of the desk. Sweat was streaming down his face and his light shirt was clinging to his skin. That sallow cadaverous look was gone from him entirely. He looked transfigured, aflame, throbbing with life: more alive than anyone I had ever seen, or so it seemed to me in that moment. There was a Faustian fire in his look, a world-swallowing urgency. Magellan must have looked that way sometimes, or Newton, or Galileo. And then in a moment more it was gone, and all I saw before me was a miserable scrawny boy, shrunken, feeble, pitifully frail.
I went to talk to a physicist I knew, a friend of Timothy"s father who did advanced research at the university. I said nothing about Timothy to him.
"What"s a quantum well?" I asked him.
He looked puzzled. "Where"d you hear of those?"
"Someone I know. But I couldn"t follow much of what he was saying."
"Extremely small switching device," he said. "Experimental, maybe five, ten years away. Less if we"re very lucky. The idea is that you use two different semiconductive materials in a single crystal lattice, a superlattice, something like a three-dimensional checkerboard. Electrons tunneling between squares could be made to perform digital operations at tremendous speeds."
"And how small would this thing be, compared with the sort of transistors they have on chips now?"
"It would be down in the nanometer range," he told me. "That"s a billionth of a meter. Smaller than a virus. Getting right down there close to the theoretical limits for semiconductivity. Any smaller and you"ll be measuring things in angstroms."
"Angstroms?"
"One ten-billionth of a meter. We measure the diameter of atoms in angstrom units."
"Ah," I said. "All right. Can I ask you something else?"
He looked amused, patient, tolerant.
"Does anyone know much about what an electron looks like?"
"_Looks_ like?"
"Its physical appearance. I mean, has any sort of work been done on examining them, maybe even photographing them -- "
"You know about the Uncertainty Principle?" he asked.
"Well -- not much, really -- "
"Electrons are very d.a.m.ned tiny. They"ve got a ma.s.s of -- ah -- about nine times ten to the minus twenty-eighth grams. We need light in order to see, in any sense of the word. We see by receiving light radiated by an object, or by hitting it with light and getting a reflection. The smallest unit of light we can use, which is the photon, has such a long wavelength that it would completely hide an electron from view, so to speak. And we can"t use radiation of shorter wavelength -- gammas, let"s say, or x-rays -- for making our measurements, either, because the shorter the wavelength the greater the energy, and so a gamma ray would simply kick any electron we were going to inspect to h.e.l.l and gone. So we can"t "see" electrons. The very act of determining their position imparts new velocity to them, which alters their position. The best we can do by way of examining electrons is make an enlightened guess, a probabilistic determination, of where they are and how fast they"re moving. In a very rough way that"s what we mean by the Uncertainty Principle."
"You mean, in order to look an electron in the eye, you"d virtually have to be the size of an electron yourself? Or even smaller?"
He gave me a strange look. "I suppose that question makes sense," he said. "And I suppose I could answer yes to it. But what the h.e.l.l are we talking about, now?"
I dreamed again that night: a feverish, disjointed dream of gigantic grotesque creatures shining with a fluorescent glow against a sky blacker than any night. They had claws, tentacles, eyes by the dozens. Their swollen asymmetrical bodies were bristling with thick red hairs. Some were clad in thick armor, others were equipped with ugly shining spikes that jutted in rows of ten or twenty from their quivering skins. They were pursuing me through the airless void. Wherever I ran there were more of them, crowding close. Behind them I saw the walls of the cosmos beginning to shiver and flow. The sky itself was dancing. Color was breaking through the blackness: eddying bands of every hue at once, interwoven like great chains. I ran, and I ran, and I ran, but there were monsters on every side, and no escape.
Timothy missed an appointment. For some days now he had been growing more distant, often simply sitting silently, staring at me for the whole hour out of some hermetic sphere of unapproachability. That struck me as nothing more than predictable pa.s.sive-aggressive resistance, but when he failed to show up at all I was startled: such blatant rebellion wasn"t his expectable mode. Some new therapeutic strategies seemed in order: more direct intervention, with me playing the role of a gruff, loving older brother, or perhaps family therapy, or some meetings with his teachers and even cla.s.smates. Despite his recent aloofness I still felt I could get to him in time. But this business of skipping appointments was unacceptable. I phoned his mother the next day, only to learn that he was in the hospital; and after my last patient of the morning I drove across town to see him. The attending physician, a chunky-faced resident, turned frosty when I told him that I was Timothy"s therapist, that I had been treating him for anorexia. I didn"t need to be telepathic to know that he was thinking, You didn"t do much of a job with him, did you? "His parents are with him now," he told me. "Let me find out if they want you to go in. It looks pretty bad."
Actually they were all there, parents, step-parents, the various children by the various second marriages. Timothy seemed to be no more than a waxen doll. They had brought him books, tapes, even a lap-top computer, but everything was pushed to the corners of the bed. The shrunken figure in the middle barely raised the level of the coverlet a few inches. They had him on an IV unit and a whole webwork of other lines and cables ran to him from the array of medical machines surrounding him. His eyes were open, but he seemed to be staring into some other world, perhaps that same world of rampaging bacteria and quivering molecules that had haunted my sleep a few nights before. He seemed perhaps to be smiling.
"He collapsed at school," his mother whispered.
"In the computer lab, no less," said his father, with a nervous ratcheting laugh. "He was last conscious about two hours ago, but he wasn"t talking coherently."
"He wants to go inside his computer," one of the little boys said. "That"s crazy, isn"t it?" He might have been seven.
"Timothy"s going to die, Timothy"s going to die," chanted somebody"s daughter, about seven.
"Christopher! Bree! Shhh, both of you!" said about three of the various parents, all at once.
I said, "Has he started to respond to the IV?"
"They don"t think so. It"s not at all good," his mother said. "He"s right on the edge. He lost three pounds this week. We thought he was eating, but he must have been sliding the food into his pocket, or something like that." She shook her head. "You can"t be a policeman."
Her eyes were cold. So were her husband"s, and even those of the step-parents. Telling me, This is your fault, we counted on you to make him stop starving himself. What could I say? You can only heal the ones you can reach. Timothy had been determined to keep himself beyond my grasp. Still, I felt the keenness of their reproachful anger, and it hurt.
"I"ve seen worse cases than this come back under medical treatment," I told them. "They"ll build up his strength until he"s capable of talking with me again. And then I"m certain I"ll be able to lick this thing. I was just beginning to break through his defenses when -- when he -- "
Sure. It costs no more to give them a little optimism. I gave them what I could: experience with other cases of severe food deprivation, positive results following a severe crisis of this nature, et cetera, et cetera, the man of science dipping into his reservoir of experience. They all began to brighten as I spoke. They even managed to convince themselves that a little color was coming into Timothy"s cheeks, that he was stirring, that he might soon be regaining consciousness as the machinery surrounding him pumped the nutrients into him that he had so conscientiously forbidden himself to have.
"Look," this one said, or that one. "Look how he"s moving his hands! Look how he"s breathing. It"s better, isn"t it!"
I actually began to believe it myself.
But then I heard his dry thin voice echoing in the caverns of my mind. I _can never get far enough. I have to be weightless in order to get there. Where I am now, it"s only a beginning. I need to lose all the rest.
I want to disappear._ * * * *
That night, a third dream, vivid, precise, concrete. I was falling and running at the same time, my legs pistoning like those of a marathon runner in the twenty-sixth mile, while simultaneously I dropped in free fall through airless dark toward the silver-black surface of some distant world. And fell and fell and fell, in utter weightlessness, and hit the surface easily and kept on running, moving not forward but downward, the atoms of the ground parting for me as I ran. I became smaller as I descended, and smaller yet, and even smaller, until I was a mere phantom, a running ghost, the bodiless idea of myself. And still I went downward toward the dazzling heart of things, shorn now of all impediments of the flesh.
I phoned the hospital the next morning. Timothy had died a little after dawn.
Did I fail with him? Well, then, I failed. But I think no one could possibly have succeeded. He went where he wanted to go; and so great was the force of his will that any attempts at impeding him must have seemed to him like the mere buzzings of insects, meaningless, insignificant.
So now his purpose is achieved. He has shed his useless husk. He has gone on, floating, running, descending: downward, inward, toward the core, where knowledge is absolute and uncertainty is unknown. He is running among the shining electrons, now. He is down -----------------------.
Collecting Team.
by Robert Silverberg.
NOTICE: This work is copyrighted. It is licensed only for use by the purchaser. If you did not purchase this ebook directly from Fictionwise.com then you are in violation of copyright law and are subject to severe fines. Please visit www.fictionwise.com to purchase a legal copy. Fictionwise.com offers a reward for information leading to the conviction of copyright violators of Fictionwise ebooks.
From fifty thousand miles up, the situation looked promising. It was a middle-sized, brown-and-green, inviting-looking planet, with no sign of cities or any other such complications. Just a pleasant sort of place, the very sort we were looking for to redeem what had been a pretty futile expedition.
I turned to Clyde Holdreth, who was staring reflectively at the thermocouple.
"Well? What do you think?"
"Looks fine to me. Temperature"s about seventy down there -- nice and warm, and plenty of air. I think it"s worth a try."
Lee Davison came strolling out from the storage hold, smelling of animals, as usual. He was holding one of the blue monkeys we picked up on Alpheraz, and the little beast was crawling up his arm. "Have we found something, gentlemen?"
"We"ve found a planet," I said. "How"s the storage s.p.a.ce in the hold?"
"Don"t worry about that. We"ve got room for a whole zoo-full more, before we get filled up. It hasn"t been a very fruitful trip."
"No," I agreed. "it hasn"t. Well? Shall we go down and see what"s to be seen?"
"Might as well," Holdreth said. "We can"t go back to Earth with just a couple of blue monkeys and some anteaters, you know."
"I"m in favour of a landing too," said Davison. "You?"
I nodded. "I"ll set up the charts, and you get your animals comfortable for deceleration."
Davison disappeared back into the storage hold, while Holdreth scribbled furiously in the logbook, writing down the coordinates of the planet below, its general description, and so forth. Aside from being a collecting team for the zoological department of the Bureau of Interstellar Affairs, we also double as a survey ship, and the planet down below was listed as _unexplored_ on our charts.
I glanced out at the mottled brown-and-green ball spinning slowly in the viewport, and felt the warning twinge of gloom that came to me every time we made a landing on a new and strange world. Repressing it, I started to figure out a landing orbit. From behind me came the furious chatter of the blue monkeys as Davison strapped them into their acceleration cradles, and under that the deep, unmusical honking of the Rigelian anteaters noisily bleating their displeasure.
The planet was inhabited, all right. We hadn"t had the ship on the ground more than a minute before the local fauna began to congregate. We stood at the viewport and looked out in wonder.
"This is one of those things you dream about," Davison said, stroking his little beard nervously. "Look at them! There must be a thousand different species out there."
"I"ve never seen anything like it," said Holdreth.
I computed how much storage s.p.a.ce we had left and how many of the thronging creatures outside we would be able to bring back with us. "How are we going to decide what to take and what to leave behind?"
"Does it matter?" Holdreth said gaily. "This is what you call an embarra.s.sment of riches, I guess. We just grab the dozen most bizarre creatures and blast-off -- and save the rest for another trip. It"s too bad we wasted all that time wandering around near Rigel."
"We _did_ get the anteaters," Davison pointed out. They were his finds, and he was proud of them.
I smiled sourly. "Yeah. We got the anteaters there." The anteaters honked at that moment, loud and clear. "You know, that"s one set of beasts I think I could do without."
"Bad att.i.tude," Holdreth said. "Unprofessional."
"Whoever said I was a zoologist, anyway? I"m just a s.p.a.ceship pilot, remember. And if I don"t like the way those anteaters talk -- and smell -- I see no reason why I -- "
"Say, look at that one," Davison said suddenly.
I glanced out the viewport and saw a new beast emerging from the thick-packed vegetation in the background. I"ve seen some fairly strange creatures since I was a.s.signed to the zoological department, but this one took the grand prize.
It was about the size of a giraffe, moving on long, wobbly legs and with a tiny head up at the end of a preposterous neck. Only it had six legs and a bunch of writhing snakelike tentacles as well, and its eyes, great violet globes, stood out nakedly on the ends of two thick stalks. It must have been twenty feet high. It moved with exaggerated grace through the swarm of beasts surrounding our ship, pushed its way smoothly towards the vessel, and peered gravely in at the viewport. One purple eye stared directly at me, the other at Davison. Oddly, it seemed to me as if it were trying to tell us something.
"Big one, isn"t it?" Davison said finally.