"It"s killing me. I love you so much I can"t bear to share you."
"So loving me means owning me?"
"Let"s just drop out for a while. Let"s explore the ramifications of one-on-one. A month, two months, six months, Kay. Just until I get this craziness out of my system. Then we can go back in."
"So you admit it"s craziness."
"I never denied it." His neck was getting stiff. "Won"t you please come down from those rings while we"re talking?"
"I can hear you perfectly well from here, Murray."
"Will you drop out of Group and go away with me for a while?"
"No."
"Will you even consider it?"
"No."
"Do you realize that you"re addicted to Group?" he asked.
"I don"t think that"s an accurate evaluation of the situation. But do _you_ realize that you"re dangerously fixated on me?"
"I realize it."
"What do you propose to do about it?"
"What I"m doing now," he said. "Coming to you, asking you to do a one-on-one with me."
"Stop it."
"One-on-one was good enough for the human race for thousands of years."
"It was a prison," she said. "It was a trap. We"re out of the trap at last. You won"t get me back in."
He wanted to pull her down from her rings and shake her. "I _love_ you, Kay!"
"You take a funny way of showing it. Trying to limit the range of my experience. Trying to hide me away in a vault somewhere. It won"t work."
"Definitely no?"
"Definitely no."
She accelerated her pace, flinging herself recklessly from loop to loop. Her glistening nude form tantalized and infuriated him. He shrugged and turned away, shoulders slumping, head drooping. This was precisely how he had expected her to respond. No surprises. Very well. Very well. He crossed from the solarium into the bedroom and lifted her Group rig from its container. Slowly, methodically, he ripped it apart, bending the frame until it split, cracking the fragile leads, uprooting handfuls of connectors, crumpling the control panel. The instrument was already a ruin by the time Kay came in. "What are you _doing_?" she cried. He splintered the lovely gleaming calibration dials under his heel and kicked the wreckage of the rig toward her. It would take months before a replacement rig could be properly attuned and synchronized. "I had no choice," he told her sadly.
They would have to punish him. That was inevitable. But how? He waited at home, and before long they came to him, all of them, Nate, Van, Dirk, Conrad, Finn, Bruce, Klaus, Kay, Serena, Maria, JoJo, Lanelle, Nikki, Mindy, Lois, popping in from many quarters of the world, some of them dressed in evening clothes, some of them naked or nearly so, some of them unkempt and sleepy, all of them angry in a cold, tight way. He tried to stare them down. Dirk said, "You must be terribly sick, Murray. We feel sorry for you."
"We really want to help you," said Lanelle.
"We"re here to give you therapy," Finn told him.
Murray laughed. "Therapy. I bet. What kind of therapy?"
"To rid you of your exclusivism, " Dirk said. "To burn all the trash out of your mind."
"Shock treatment," Finn said.
"Keep away from me!"
"Hold him," Dirk said.
Quickly they surrounded him. Bruce clamped an arm across his chest like an iron bar. Conrad seized his hands and brought his wrists together behind his back. Finn and Dirk pressed up against his sides. He was helpless.
Kay began to remove her clothing. Naked, she lay down on Murray"s bed, flexed her knees, opened her thighs. Klaus got on top of her.
"What the h.e.l.l is this?" Murray asked.
Efficiently but without pa.s.sion Kay amused Klaus, and efficiently but without pa.s.sion he penetrated her. Murray writhed impotently as their bodies moved together. Klaus made no attempt at bringing Kay off. He reached his climax in four or five minutes, grunting once, and rolled away from her, red-faced, sweating. Van took his place between Kay"s legs.
"No," Murray said. "Please, no."
Inexorably Van had his turn, quick, impersonal. Nate was next. Murray tried not to watch, but his eyes would not remain closed. A strange smile glittered on Kay"s lips as she gave herself to Nate. Nate arose. Finn approached the bed.
"No!" Murray cried, and lashed out in a backward kick that sent Conrad screaming across the room. Murray"s hands were free. He twisted and wrenched himself away from Bruce. Dirk and Nate intercepted him as he rushed toward Kay. They seized him and flung him to the floor.
"The therapy isn"t working," Nate said.
"Let"s skip the rest," said Dirk. "It"s no use trying to heal him. He"s beyond hope. Let him stand up."
Murray got cautiously to his feet. Dirk said, "By unanimous vote, Murray, we expel your from Group for unGrouplike att.i.tudes and especially for your unGrouplike destruction of Kay"s rig. All your Group privileges are canceled." At a signal from Dirk, Nate removed Murray"s rig from its container and reduced it to unsalvageable rubble. Dirk said, "Speaking as your friend, Murray, I suggest you think seriously about undergoing a total personality reconstruct. You"re in trouble, do you know that? You need a lot of help. You"re a mess."
"Is there anything else you want to tell me?" Murray asked.
"Nothing else. Goodbye, Murray."
They started to go out. Dirk, Finn, Nate, Bruce, Conrad, Klaus. Van. JoJo. Nikki. Serena, Maria, Lanelle, Mindy. Lois. Kay was the last to leave. She stood by the door, clutching her clothes in a small crumpled bundle. She seemed entirely unafraid of him. There was a peculiar look of -- was it tenderness? pity? -- on her face. Softly she said, "I"m sorry it had to come to this, Murray. I feel so unhappy for you. I know that what you did wasn"t a hostile act. You did it out of love. You were all wrong, but you were doing it out of love." She walked toward him and kissed him lightly, on the cheek, on the tip of the nose, on the lips. He didn"t move. She smiled. She touched his arm. "I"m so sorry," she murmured. "Goodbye, Murray." As she went through the door she looked back and said, "Such a d.a.m.ned shame. I could have loved you, you know? I could really have loved you."
He had told himself that he would wait until they all were gone before he let the tears flow. But when the door had closed behind Kay he discovered his eyes remained dry. He had no tears. He was altogether calm. Numb. Burned out.
After a long while he put on fresh clothing and went out. He popped to London, found that it was raining there, and popped to Prague, where there was something stifling about the atmosphere, and went on to Seoul, where he had barbecued beef and kimchi for dinner. Then he popped to New York. In front of a gallery on Lexington Avenue he picked up a complaisant young girl with long black hair. "Let"s go to a hotel," he suggested, and she smiled and nodded. He registered for a six-hour stay. Upstairs, she undressed without waiting for him to ask. Her body was smooth and supple, flat belly, pale skin, high full b.r.e.a.s.t.s. They lay down together and, in silence, without preliminaries, he took her. She was eager and responsive. Kay, he thought. Kay. Kay. You are Kay. A spasm of culmination shook him with unexpected force.
"Do you mind if I smoke?" she said a few minutes later.
"I love you," he said.
"What?"
"I love you."
"You"re sweet."
"Come live with me. Please. Please. I"m serious."
"What?"
"Live with me. Marry me."
"_What?_"
"There"s only one thing I ask. No Group stuff. That"s all. Otherwise you can do as you please. I"m wealthy. I"ll make you happy. I love you."
"You don"t even know my name."
"I love you."
"Mister, you must be out of your head."
"Please. Please."
"A lunatic. Unless you"re trying to make fun of me."
"I"m perfectly serious, I a.s.sure you. Live with me. Be my wife."
"A lunatic," she said. "I"m getting out of here!" She leaped up and looked for her clothes. "Jesus, a madman!"
"No," he said, but she was on her way, not even pausing to get dressed, running helter-skelter from the room, her pink b.u.t.tocks flashing like beacons as she made her escape. The door slammed. He shook his head. He sat rigid for half an hour, an hour, some long timeless span, thinking of Kay, thinking of Group, wondering what they"d be doing tonight, whose turn it was. At length he rose and put on his clothes and left the hotel. A terrible restlessness a.s.sailed him. He popped to Karachi and stayed ten minutes. He popped to Vienna. To Hangchow. He didn"t stay. Looking for what? He didn"t know. Looking for Kay? Kay didn"t exist. Looking. Just looking. Pop. Pop. Pop.
Looking for the Fountain.
by Robert Silverberg.
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My name is Francisco de Ortega and by the grace of G.o.d I am 89 years old and I have seen many a strange thing in my time, but nothing so strange as the Indian folk of the island called Florida, whose great dream it is to free the Holy Land from the Saracen conquerors that profane it.
It was fifty years ago that I encountered these marvelous people, when I sailed with his excellency the ill.u.s.trious Don Juan Ponce de Leon on his famous and disastrous voyage in quest of what is wrongly called the Fountain of Youth. It was not a Fountain of Youth at all that he sought, but a Fountain of Manly Strength, which is somewhat a different thing. Trust me: I was there, I saw and heard everything, I was by Don Juan Ponce"s side when his fate overtook him. I know the complete truth of this endeavor and I mean to set it all down now so there will be no doubt; for I alone survive to tell the tale, and as G.o.d is my witness I will tell it truthfully now, here in my ninetieth year, all praises be to Him and to the Mother who bore Him.
The matter of the Fountain, first.
Commonly, I know, it is called the Fountain of Youth. You will read that in many places, such as in the book about the New World which that Italian wrote who lived at Seville, Peter Martyr of Anghiera, where he says, "The governor of the Island of Boriquena, Juan Ponce de Leon, sent forth two caravels to seek the Islands of Boyuca in which the Indians affirmed there to be a fountain or spring whose water is of such marvelous virtue, that when it is drunk it makes old men young again."
This is true, so far as it goes. But when Peter Martyr talks of "making old men young again," his words must be interpreted in a poetic way.
Perhaps long life is truly what that Fountain really provides, along with its other and more special virtue -- who knows? For I have tasted of that Fountain"s waters myself, and here I am nearly 90 years of age and still full of vigor, I who was born in the year of our Lord 1473, and how many others are still alive today who came into the world then, when Castile and Aragon still were separate kingdoms? But I tell you that what Don Juan Ponce was seeking was not strictly speaking a Fountain of Youth at all, but rather a Fountain that offered a benefit of a very much more intimate kind. For I was there, I saw and heard everything. And they have cowardly tongues, those who say it was a Fountain of Youth, for it would seem that out of shame they choose not to speak honestly of the actual nature of the powers that the Fountain which we sought was supposed to confer.
It was when we were in the island of Hispaniola that we first heard of this wonderful Fountain, Don Juan Ponce and I. This was, I think, in the year 1504. Don Juan Ponce, a true n.o.bleman and a man of high and elegant thoughts, was governor then in the province of Higuey of that island, which was ruled at that time by Don Nicolas de ovando, successor to the great Admiral Cristobal Colon. There was in Higuey then a certain Indian cacique or chieftain of remarkable strength and force, who was reputed to keep seven wives and to satisfy each and every one of them each night of the week. Don Juan Ponce was curious about the great virility of this cacique, and one day he sent a certain Aurelio Herrera to visit him in his village.
"He does indeed have many wives," said Herrera, "though whether there were five or seven or fifty-nine I could not say, for there were women surrounding all the time I was there, coming and going in such mult.i.tudes that I was unable to make a clear count, and swarms of children also, and from the looks of it the women were his wives and the children were his children."
"And what sort of manner of man is this cacique?" asked Don Juan Ponce.
"Why," said Herrera, "he is a very ordinary man, narrow of shoulders and shallow of chest, whom you would never think capable of such marvels of manhood, and he is past middle age besides. I remarked on this to him, and he said that when he was young he was easily exhausted and found the manly exercises a heavy burden. But then he journeyed to Boyuca, which is an island to the north of Cuba that is also called Bimini, and there he drank of a spring that cures the debility of s.e.x. Since then, he a.s.serts, he has been able to give pleasure to any number of women in a night without the slightest fatigue."
I was there. I saw and heard everything. El enflaquecimiento del s.e.xo was the phrase that Aurelio Herrera used, "the debility of s.e.x." The eyes of Don Juan Ponce de Leon opened wide at this tale, and he turned to me and said, "We must go in search of this miraculous fountain some day, Francisco, for there will be great profit in the selling of its waters."
Do you see? Not a word had been spoken about long life, but "only about the curing of el enflaquecimiento del s.e.xo. Nor was Don Juan Ponce in need of any such cure for himself, I a.s.sure you, for in the year 1504 he was just thirty years old, a l.u.s.ty and aggressive man of fiery and restless spirit, and red-haired as well, and you know what is said about the virility of red-haired men. As for me, I will not boast, but I will say only that since the age of thirteen I have rarely gone a single night without a woman"s company, and have been married four times, on the fourth occasion to a woman fifty years younger than myself. And if you find yourself in the province of Valladolid where I live and come to pay a call on me I can show you young Diego Antonio de Ortega whom you would think was my great-grandson, and little Juana Maria de Ortega who could be my great-granddaughter, for the boy is seven and the girl is five, but in truth they are my own children, conceived when I was past eighty years of age; and I have had many other sons and daughters too, some of whom are old people now and some are dead.
So it was not to heal our own debilities that Don Juan Ponce and I longed to find this wonderful Fountain, for of such shameful debilities we had none at all, he and I. No, we yearned for the Fountain purely for the sake of the riches we might derive from it: for each year saw hundreds or perhaps thousands of men come from Spain to the New World to seek their fortunes, and some of these were older men who no doubt suffered from a certain enflaquecimiento. In Spain I understand they use the powdered horn of the unicorn to cure this malady, or the crushed sh.e.l.ls of a certain insect, though I have never had need of such things myself. But those commodities are not to be found in the New World, and it was Don Juan Ponce"s hope that great profit might be made by taking possession of Bimini and selling the waters of the Fountain to those who had need of such a remedy. This is the truth, whatever others may claim.
But the pursuit of gold comes before everything, even the pursuit of miraculous Fountains of Manly Strength. We did not go at once in search of the Fountain because word came to Don Juan Ponce in Hispaniola that the neighboring island of Borinquen was rich in gold, and thereupon he applied to Governor Ovando for permission to go there and conquer it. Don Juan Ponce already somewhat knew that island, having seen its western coast briefly in 1493 when he was a gentleman volunteer in the fleet of Cristobal Colon, and its beauty had so moved him that he had resolved someday to return and make himself master of the place.
With one hundred men, he sailed over to this Borinquen in a small caravel, landing there on Midsummer Day, 1506, at the same bay he had visited earlier aboard the ship of the great Admiral. Seeing us arrive with such force, the cacique of the region was wise enough to yield to the inevitable and we took possession with very little fighting.
So rich did the island prove to be that we put the marvelous Fountain of which we had previously heard completely out of our minds. Don Juan Ponce was made governor of Borinquen by royal appointment and for several years the natives remained peaceful and we were able to obtain a great quant.i.ty of gold indeed. This is the same island that Cristobal Colon called San Juan Bautista and which people today call Puerto Rico.
All would have been well for us there but for the stupidity of a certain captain of our forces, Cristobal de Sotomayor, who treated the natives so badly that they rose in rebellion against us. This was in the year of our Lord 1511. So we found ourselves at war; and Don Juan Ponce fought with all the great valor for which he was renowned, doing tremendous destruction against our pagan enemies. We had among us at that time a certain dog, called Bercerillo, of red pelt and black eyes, who could tell simply by smell alone whether an Indian was friendly to us or hostile, and could understand the native speech as well; and the Indians were more afraid of ten Spaniards with this dog, than of one hundred without him. Don Juan Ponce rewarded Bercerillo"s bravery and cleverness by giving the dog a full share of all the gold and slaves we captured, as though he were a crossbowman; but in the end the Indians killed him. I understand that a valiant pup of this Bercerillo, Leoncillo by name, went with Nunez de Balboa when he crossed the Isthmus of Panama and discovered the great ocean beyond.
During this time of our difficulties with the savages of Puerto Rico, Don Diego Colon, the son of the great Admiral, was able to take advantage of the trouble and make himself governor of the island in the place of Don Juan Ponce. Don Juan Ponce thereupon returned to Spain and presented himself before King Ferdinand, and told him the tale of the fabulous Fountain that restores manly power. King Ferdinand, who was greatly impressed by Don Juan Ponce"s lordly bearing and n.o.ble appearance, at once granted him a royal permit to seek and conquer the isle of Bimini where this Fountain was said to be. Whether this signifies that His Most Catholic Majesty was troubled by debilities of a s.e.xual sort, I would not dare to say. But the king was at that time a man of sixty years and it would not be unimaginable that some difficulty of that kind had begun to perplex him.
Swiftly Don Juan Ponce returned to Puerto Rico with the good news of his royal appointment, and on the third day of March of the year of our Lord 1513 we set forth from the Port of San German in three caravels to search for Bimini and its extraordinary Fountain.
I should say at this point that it was a matter of course that Don Juan Ponce should have asked me to take part in the quest for this Fountain. I am a man of Tervas de San Campos in the province of Valladolid, where Don Juan Ponce de Leon also was born less than one year after I was, and he and I played together as children and were friends all through our youth. As I have said, he first went to the New World in 1493, when he was nineteen years of age, as a gentleman aboard the ship of Admiral Cristobal Colon, and after settling in Hispaniola he wrote to me and told me of the great wealth of the New World and urged me to join him there. Which I did forthwith; and we were rarely separated from then until the day of his death.
Our flagship was the Santiago, with Diego Bermudez as its master -- the brother to the man who discovered the isle of Bermuda -- and the famous Anton de Alaminos as its pilot. We had two Indian pilots too, who knew the islands of that sea. Our second ship was the Santa Maria de Consolacion, with Juan Bono de Quexo as its captain, and the third was the San Cristobal. All of these vessels were purchased by Don Juan Ponce himself out of the riches he had laid by in the time when he was governor of Puerto Rico.
I have to tell you that there was not one priest in our company, not that we were unG.o.dly men but only that it was not our commander"s purpose on this voyage to bring the word of Jesus to the natives of Bimini. We did have some few women among us, including my own wife Beatriz, who had come out from Spain to be with me, and grateful I was to have her by my side; and my wife"s young sister Juana was aboard the ship also, that I could better look after her among these rough Spaniards of the New World.
Northward we went. After ten days we halted at the isle of San Salvador to sc.r.a.pe weeds from the bottom of one of our ships. Then we journeyed west-northwest, pa.s.sing the isle of Ciguateo on Easter Sunday, and, continuing onward into waters that ran ever shallower, we caught sight on the second day of April of a large delightful island of great and surpa.s.sing beauty, all blooming and burgeoning with a great host of wildflowers whose delectable odors came wafting to us on the warm gentle breeze. We named this isle La Florida, because Easter is the season when things flower and so we call that time of year in our language Pascua Florida. And we said to one another at once, seeing so beautiful a place, that this island of Florida must surely be the home of the wondrous Fountain that restores men to their fleshly powers and grants all their carnal desires to the fullest.