Alone, I made my way upward level by level through the darkness and mystery of the ship, toward the Eye. The crash of silence went on and on, like the falling of some colossal wave on an endless sh.o.r.e. I missed Vox terribly. I had never known such complete solitude as I felt now. I had not realized how accustomed I had become to her being there, nor what impact her leaving would have on me. In just those few days of giving her sanctuary, it had somehow come to seem to me that to house two souls within one brain was the normal condition of mankind, and that to be alone in one"s skull as I was now was a shameful thing.
As I neared the place where Crew Deck narrows into the curve of the Eye a slender figure stepped without warning from the shadows.
"Captain."
My mind was full of the loss of Vox and he caught me unawares. I jumped back, badly startled.
"For the love of G.o.d, man!"
"It"s just me. Bulgar. Don"t be so scared, captain. It"s only Bulgar."
"Let me be," I said, and brusquely beckoned him away.
"No. Wait, captain. Please, wait."
He clutched at my arm, holding me as I tried to go. I halted and turned toward him, trembling with anger and surprise.
Bulgar, Roacher"s jackmate, was a gentle, soft-voiced little man, wide-mouthed, olive-skinned, with huge sad eyes. He and Roacher had sailed the skies of Heaven together since before I was born. They complemented each other. Where Roacher was small and hard, like fruit that has been left to dry in the sun for a hundred years, his jackmate Bulgar was small and tender, with a plump, succulent look about him. Together they seemed complete, an una.s.sailable whole: I could readily imagine them lying together in their bunk, each jacked to the other, one person in two bodies, linked more intimately even than Vox and I had been.
With an effort I recovered my poise. Tightly I said, "What is it, Bulgar?"
"Can we talk a minute, captain?"
"We are talking. What do you want with me?"
"That loose matrix, sir."
My reaction must have been stronger than he was expecting. His eyes went wide and he took a step or two back from me.
Moistening his lips, he said, "We were wondering, captain -- wondering how the search is going -- whether you had any idea where the matrix might be -- "
I said stiffly, "Who"s we, Bulgar?"
"The men. Roacher. Me. Some of the others. Mainly Roacher, sir."
"Ah. So Roacher wants to know where the matrix is."
The little man moved closer. I saw him staring deep into me as though searching for Vox behind the mask of my carefully expressionless face. Did he know? Did they all? I wanted to cry out, She"s not there any more, she"s gone, she left me, she ran off into s.p.a.ce. But apparently what was troubling Roacher and his shipmates was something other than the possibility that Vox had taken refuge with me.
Bulgar"s tone was soft, insinuating, concerned. "Roacher"s very worried, captain. He"s been on ships with loose matrixes before. He knows how much trouble they can be. He"s really worried, captain. I have to tell you that. I"ve never seen him so worried."
"What does he think the matrix will do to him?"
"He"s afraid of being taken over," Bulgar said.
"Taken over?"
"The matrix coming into his head through his jack. Mixing itself up with his brain. It"s been known to happen, captain."
"And why should it happen to Roacher, out of all the men on this ship? Why not you? Why not Pedregal? Or Rio de Rio? Or one of the pa.s.sengers again?" I took a deep breath. "Why not me, for that matter?"
"He just wants to know, sir, what"s the situation with the matrix now. Whether you"ve discovered anything about where it is. Whether you"ve been able to trap it."
There was something strange in Bulgar"s eyes. I began to think I was being tested again. This a.s.sertion of Roacher"s alleged terror of being infiltrated and possessed by the wandering matrix might simply be a roundabout way of finding out whether that had already happened to me.
"Tell him it"s gone," I said.
"Gone, sir?"
"Gone. Vanished. It isn"t anywhere on the ship any more. Tell him that, Bulgar. He can forget about her slithering down his precious jackhole."
"Her?"
"Female matrix, yes. But that doesn"t matter now. She"s gone. You can tell him that. Escaped. Flew off into heaven. The emergency"s over." I glowered at him. I yearned to be rid of him, to go off by myself to nurse my new grief. "Shouldn"t you be getting back to your post, Bulgar?"
Did he believe me? Or did he think that I had slapped together some transparent lie to cover my complicity in the continued absence of the matrix? I had no way of knowing. Bulgar gave me a little obsequious bow and started to back away.
"Sir," he said. "Thank you, sir. I"ll tell him, sir."
He retreated into the shadows. I continued uplevel.
I pa.s.sed Katkat on my way, and, a little while afterward, Raebuck. They looked at me without speaking. There was something reproachful but almost loving about Katkat"s expression, but Raebuck"s icy, baleful stare brought me close to flinching. In their different ways they were saying, Guilty, guilty, guilty. But of what?
Before, I had imagined that everyone whom I encountered aboard ship was able to tell at a single glance that I was harboring the fugitive, and was simply waiting for me to reveal myself with some foolish slip. Now everything was reversed. They looked at me and I told myself that they were thinking, He"s all alone by himself in there, he doesn"t have anyone else at all, and I shrank away, shamed by my solitude. I knew that this was the edge of madness. I was overwrought, overtired; perhaps it had been a mistake to go starwalking a second time so soon after my first. I needed to rest. I needed to hide.
I began to wish that there were someone aboard the Sword of Orion with whom I could discuss these things. But who, though? Roacher? 6l2 Jason? I was altogether isolated here. The only one I could speak to on this ship was Vox. And she was gone.
In the safety of my cabin I jacked myself into the mediq rack and gave myself a ten-minute purge. That helped. The phantom fears and intricate uncertainties that had taken possession of me began to ebb.
I keyed up the log and ran through the list of my captainly duties, such as they were, for the rest of the day. We were approaching a spinaround point, one of those nodes of force positioned equidistantly across heaven which a starship in transit must seize and use in order to propel itself onward through the next sector of the universe. Spinaround acquisition is performed automatically but at least in theory the responsibility for carrying it out successfully falls to the captain: I would give the commands, I would oversee the process from initiation through completion.
But there was still time for that.
I accessed 49 Henry Henry, who was the intelligence on duty, and asked for an update on the matrix situation.
"No change, sir," the intelligence reported at once.
"What does that mean?"
"Trace efforts continue as requested, sir. But we have not detected the location of the missing matrix."
"No clues? Not even a hint?"
"No data at all, sir. There"s essentially no way to isolate the minute electromagnetic pulse of a free matrix from the background noise of the ship"s entire electrical system."
I believed it. 6l2 Jason Jason had told me that in nearly the same words.
I said, "I have reason to think that the matrix is no longer on the ship, 49 Henry Henry."
"Do you, sir?" said 49 Henry Henry in its usual aloof, halfmocking way.
"I do, yes. After a careful study of the situation, it"s my opinion that the matrix exited the ship earlier this day and will not be heard from again."
"Shall I record that as an official position, sir?"
"Record it," I said.
"Done, sir."
"And therefore, 49 Henry Henry, you can cancel search mode immediately and close the file. We"ll enter a debit for one matrix and the Service bookkeepers can work it out later."
"Very good, sir."
"Decouple," I ordered the intelligence.
49 Henry Henry went away. I sat quietly amid the splendors of my cabin, thinking back over my starwalk and reliving that sense of harmony, of love, of oneness with the worlds of heaven, that had come over me while Vox and I drifted on the bosom of the Great Open. And feeling once again the keen slicing sense of loss that I had felt since Vox" departure from me. In a little while I would have to rise and go to the command center and put myself through the motions of overseeing spinaround acquisition; but for the moment I remained where I was, motionless, silent, peering deep into the heart of my solitude.
"I"m not gone," said an unexpected quiet voice.
It came like a punch beneath the heart. It was a moment before I could speak.
"Vox?" I said at last. "Where are you, Vox?"
"Right here."
"Where?" I asked.
"Inside. I never went away."
"You never -- "
"You upset me. I just had to hide for a while."
"You knew I was trying to find you?"
"Yes."
Color came to my cheeks. Anger roared like a stream in spate through my veins. I felt myself blazing.
"You knew how I felt, when you -- when it seemed that you weren"t there any more."
"Yes," she said, even more quietly, after a time.
I forced myself to grow calm. I told myself that she owed me nothing, except perhaps grat.i.tude for sheltering her, and that whatever pain she had caused me by going silent was none of her affair. I reminded myself also that she was a child, unruly and turbulent and undisciplined.
After a bit I said, "I missed you. I missed you more than I want to say."
"I"m sorry," she said, sounding repentant, but not very. "I had to go away for a time. You upset me, Adam."
"By asking you to show me how you used to look?"
"Yes."
"I don"t understand why that upset you so much."
"You don"t have to," Vox said. "I don"t mind now. You can see me, if you like. Do you still want to? Here. This is me. This is what I used to be. If it disgusts you don"t blame me. Okay? Okay, Adam? Here. Have a look. Here I am."
There was a wrenching within me, a twisting, a painful yanking sensation, as of some heavy barrier forcibly being pulled aside. And then the glorious radiant scarlet sky of Kansas Four blossomed on the screen of my mind.
She didn"t simply show it to me. She took me there. I felt the soft moist wind on my face, I breathed the sweet, faintly pungent air, I heard the sly rustling of glossy leathery fronds that dangled from bright yellow trees. Beneath my bare feet the black soil was warm and spongy.
I was Leeleaine, who liked to call herself Vox. I was seventeen years old and swept by forces and compulsions as powerful as hurricanes.
I was her from within and also I saw her from outside.
My hair was long and thick and dark, tumbling down past my shoulders in an avalanche of untended curls and loops and snags. My hips were broad, my b.r.e.a.s.t.s were full and heavy: I could feel the pull of them, the pain of them. It was almost as if they were stiff with milk, though they were not. My face was tense, alert, sullen, aglow with angry intelligence. It was not an unappealing face. Vox was not an unappealing girl.
From her earlier reluctance to show herself to me I had expected her to be ugly, or perhaps deformed in some way, dragging herself about in a coa.r.s.e, heavy, burdensome husk of flesh that was a constant reproach to her. She had spoken of her life on Kansas Four as being so dreary, so sad, so miserable, that she saw no hope in staying there. And had given up her body to be turned into mere electricity, on the promise that she could have a new body -- any body -- when she reached Cul-de-Sac. I hated my body, she had told me. I couldn"t wait to be rid of it. She had refused even to give me a glimpse of it, retreating instead for hours into a desperate silence so total that I thought she had fled.
All that was a mystery to me now. The Leeleaine that I saw, that I was, was a fine st.u.r.dy-looking girl. Not beautiful, no, too strong and strapping for that, I suppose, but far from ugly: her eyes were warm and intelligent, her lips full, her nose finely modeled. And it was a healthy body, too, robust, vital. Of course she had no deformities; and why had I thought she had, when it would have been a simple matter of retrogenetic surgery to amend any bothersome defect? No, there was nothing wrong with the body that Vox had abandoned and for which she professed such loathing, for which she felt such shame.
Then I realized that I was seeing her from outside. I was seeing her as if by relay, filtering and interpreting the information she was offering me by pa.s.sing it through the mind of an objective observer: myself. Who understood nothing, really, of what it was like to be anyone but himself.
Somehow -- it was one of those automatic, unconscious adjustments -- I altered the focus of my perceptions. All old frames of reference fell away and I let myself lose any sense of the separateness of our ident.i.ties.
I was her. Fully, unconditionally, inextricably.
And I understood.
Figures flitted about her, shadowy, baffling, maddening. Brothers, sisters, parents, friends: they were all strangers to her. Everyone on Kansas Four was a stranger to her. And always would be.
She hated her body not because it was weak or unsightly but because it was her prison. She was enclosed within it as though within narrow stone walls. It hung about her, a cage of flesh, holding her down, pinning her to this lovely world called Kansas Four where she knew only pain and isolation and estrangement. Her body -- her perfectly acceptable, healthy body -- had become hateful to her because it was the emblem and symbol of her soul"s imprisonment. Wild and incurably restless by temperament, she had failed to find a way to live within the smothering predictability of Kansas Four, a planet where she would never be anything but an internal outlaw. The only way she could leave Kansas Four was to surrender the body that tied her to it; and so she had turned against it with fury and loathing, rejecting it, abandoning it, despising it, detesting it. No one could ever understand that who beheld her from the outside.
But I understood.
I understood much more than that, in that one flashing moment of communion that she and I had. I came to see what she meant when she said that I was her twin, her double, her other self. Of course we were wholly different, I the sober, staid, plodding, diligent man, and she the reckless, volatile, impulsive, tempestuous girl. But beneath all that we were the same: misfits, outsiders, troubled wanderers through worlds we had never made. We had found vastly differing ways to cope with our pain. Yet we were one and the same, two halves of a single ent.i.ty.
We will remain together always now, I told myself.
And in that moment our communion broke. She broke it -- it must have been she, fearful of letting this new intimacy grow too deep -- and I found myself apart from her once again, still playing host to her in my brain but separated from her by the boundaries of my own individuality, my own selfhood. I felt her nearby, within me, a warm but discrete presence. Still within me, yes. But separate again.
There was shipwork to do. For days, now, Vox"s invasion of me had been a startling distraction. But I dared not let myself forget that we were in the midst of a traversal of heaven. The lives of us all, and of our pa.s.sengers, depended on the proper execution of our duties: even mine. And worlds awaited the bounty that we bore. My task of the moment was to oversee spinaround acquisition.
I told Vox to leave me temporarily while I went through the routines of acquisition. I would be jacked to other crewmen for a time; they might very well be able to detect her within me; there was no telling what might happen. But she refused. "No," she said. "I won"t leave you. I don"t want to go out there. But I"ll hide, deep down, the way I did when I was upset with you."
"Vox -- "I began.
"No. Please. I don"t want to talk about it."