Heinlein, Robert A.
A Bathroom of Her Own.
FOREWORD.
You may not be old enough to remember the acute housing shortage following World War II (the subject of this story) but if you are over six but not yet old enough for the undertaker, you are aware of the current problem of getting in out of the rain. . . a problem especially acute for the young couple with one baby and for the retired old couple trying to get by on Social "Security" plus savings if any. (I am not suggesting that it is easy for those between youth and old age; the present price of mortgage money const.i.tutes rape with violence; the price tag on an honestly-constructed-if you can find one-two-bedroom house makes me feel faint.) In 1960 in Moscow Mrs. Heinlein and I had as Intourist courier a sweet child named Ludmilla-23, unmarried, living with her father, mother, brother and sisters. She told us that her ambition in life was for her family not to have to share a bathroom with another family.
The next aesthete who sneers at our American "plumbing culture" in my presence I intend to cut into small pieces and flush him down that W.C. he despises.
Any old pol will recognize the politics in this story as the Real McCoy. Should be. Autobiographical in many details. Which details? Show me a warrant and I"ll take the Fifth.
A BATHROOM OF HER OWN.
Ever step on a top step that wasn"t there?
That"s the way I felt when I saw my honorable opponent for the office of city councilman, third district.
Tom Griffith had telephoned at the close of filing, to let me know my opponents. "Alfred McNye," he said, "and Francis X. Nelson."
"McNye we can forget," I mused. "He files just for the advertising. It"s a three-way race-me, this Nelson party, and the present enc.u.mbrance, Judge Jorgens. Maybe we"ll settle it in the primaries." Our fair city has the system laughingly called "non-partisan"; a man can be elected in the primary by getting a clear majority.
"Jorgens didn"t file, Jack. The old thief isn"t running for re-election."
I let this sink in. "Tom, we might as well tear up those photostats. Do you suppose Tully"s boys are conceding our district?"
"The machine can"t concede the third district, not this year. It must be Nelson."
"I suppose so . . . it can"t be McNye. What d"you know about him?"
"Nothing."
"Nor I. Well, we"ll look him over tonight." The Civic League had called a "meet-the-candidates" meeting that night. I drove out to the trailer camp where I hang my hat-then a shower, a shave, put on my hurtin" shoes, and back to town. It gave me time to think.
It"s not unusual for a machine to replace-temporarily-a man whose record smells too ripe with a citizen of no background to be sniped at. I could visualize Nelson-young, manly looking, probably a lawyer and certainly a veteran. He would be so politically naive that he would stand without hitching, or so ambitious that it would blind him to what he must do to keep the support of the machine. Either way the machine could use him.
I got there just in time to be introduced and take a seat on the platform. I couldn"t spot Nelson but I did see Cliff Meyers, standing with some girl. Meyers is a handyman for Boss Tully-Nelson would be around close McNye accepted the call of the peepul in a few hundred well-worn words then the chairman introduced Nelson "-a veteran of this war and candidate for the same office"
The girl standing with Meyers walked up and took the stage They clapped and somebody in the balcony gave a wolf whistle Instead of getting fl.u.s.tered, she smiled up and said, "Thank you!"
They clapped again and whistled and stomped She started talking I"m not bright-I had trouble learning to wave bye-bye and never did master patty-cake. I expected her to apologize for Nelson"s absence and identify herself as his wife or sister or something. She was into her fourth paragraph before I realized that she was Nelson.j Francis X. Nelson-Frances X. Nelson. I wondered what I had done to deserve this. Female candidates are poison to run against at best; you don"t dare use the ordinary rough-and-tumble, while she is free to use anything from a blacksnake whip to mickeys in your coffee.
Add to that ladylike good looks, obvious intelli gence, platform poise-and a veteran. I couldn"t have lived that wrong. I tried to catch Tohi Griffith"s eye to share my misery, but he was looking at her and the lunk was lapping it up.
Nelson-Miss Nelson-was going to town on housing. "You promised him that when he got out of that foxhole nothing would be too good for him. And what did he get? A shack in shanty-town, the sofa in his inlaws" parlor, a garage with no plumbing. If I am elected I shall make it my first concern-"
You couldn"t argue against it. Like good roads, good weather, and the American Home, everybody is for veterans" housing.
When the meeting broke up, I snagged Tom and we rounded up the leaders of the Third District a.s.sociation and adjourned to the home of one of the members. "Look, folks," I told them, "when we caucused and I agreed to run, our purpose was to take a bite out of the machine by kicking out Jorgens. Well, the situation has changed. It"s not too late for me to forfeit the filing fee. How about it?"
Mrs. Holmes-Mrs. Bixby Holmes, as fine an old warhorse as ever swung a gavel-looked amazed. "What"s gotten into you, Jack? Getting rid of Jorgens is only half of it. We have to put in men we can depend on. For this district, you"re it."
I shook my head. "I didn"t want to be the candidate; I wanted to manage. We should have had a veter"There"s nothing wrong with your war record," pi~it in d.i.c.k Blair.
"Maybe not, but it"s useless politically. We needed a veteran." I had shuffled papers in the legal section of the Manhattan project-in civilian clothes. d.i.c.k Blair, a paratrooper and Purple Heart, had been my choice. But d.i.c.k had begged off, and who is to tell a combat veteran that he has got to make further sacrifice for the dear peepul?
"I abided by the will of the group, because Jorgens was not a veteran either. Now look at the d.a.m.n thing-What makes you think I can beat her? She"s got political s.e.x-appeal."
"She"s got more than political s.e.x-appeal"-this from Tom.
When Dr. Potter spoke we listened; he"s the old head in our group. "That"s the wrong tack, Jack. It does not matter whether you win."
"I don"t believe in lost causes, Doctor."
"I do. And so will you, someday. If Miss Nelson is Tully"s choice to succeed Jorgens, then we must oppose her."
"She is with the machine, isn"t she?" asked Mrs. Holmes.
"Sure she is," Tom told her. "Didn"t you see that Cliff Meyers had her in tow? She"s a stooge-the Stooge with the Light Brown Hair."
I insisted on a vote; they were all against me. "Okay," I agreed, "if you can take it, I can. This means a tougher campaign. We thought the dirt we had on Jorgens was enough; now we"ve got to dig."
"Don"t fret, Jack," Mrs. Holmes soothed me. "We"ll dig. I"ll take charge of the precinct work."
"I thought your daughter in Denver was having a baby?"
"So she is. I"ll stick."
I ducked out soon after, feeling much better, not because I thought I could win, but because of Mrs. Holmes and Dr. Potter and more like them. The team spirit you get in a campaign is pretty swell; I was feeling it again and recovering my pre-War zip.
Before the War our community was in good shape. We had kicked out the local machine, tightened up civil service, sent a police lieutenant to jail, and had put the bidding for contracts on an honest-to-goodness compet.i.tive basis-not by praying on Sunday, either, but by volunteer efforts of private citizens willing to get out and punch doorbells.
Then the War came along and everything came unstuck.
Naturally, the people who can be depended on for the in-and-out-of-season grind of volunteer politics are also the ones who took the War the most seriously. From Pearl Harbor to Hiroshima they had no time for politics. It"s a wonder the city hail wasn"t stolen during the War-bolted to its foundations, I guess.
On my way home I stopped at a drive-in for a hamburger and some thought. Another car squeezed in close beside me. I glanced up, then blinked my eyes. "Well, I"ll be-Miss Nelson! Who let you out alone?"
She jerked her head around, ready to bristle, then turned on the vote-getter. "You startled me. You"re Mr. Ross, aren"t you?"
"Your future councilman," I agreed. "You startled me. How"s the politicking? Where"s Cliff Meyers? Dump him down a sewer?"
She giggled. "Poor Mr. Meyers! I said goodnight to him at my door, then came over here. I was hungry."
"That"s no way to win elections. Why didn"t you invite him in and scramble some eggs?"
"Well, I just didn"t want-I mean I wanted a chance to think. You won"t tell on me?" She gave me the yougreat-big-strong-man look.
"I"m the enemy-remember? But I won"t. Shall I go away, too?"
"No, don"t. Since you are going to be my councilman, I ought to get acquainted. Why are you so sure you will beat me, Mr. Ross?"
"Jack Ross-your friend and mine. Have a cigar. I"m not at all sure I can beat you. With your natural advantages and Tully"s gang behind you I should "a stood in bed.
Her eyes went narrow; the vote-getter smile was gone. "What do you mean?" she said slowly. "I"m an independent candidate."
It was my cue to crawl, but I pa.s.sed. "You expect me to swallow that? With Cliff Meyers at your elbow-" The car hop interrupted us; we placed our orders and I resumed. She cut in.
"I do want to be alone," she snapped and started to close her window.
I reached out and placed a hand on the gla.s.s. "Just a moment. This is politics; you are judged by the company you keep. You show up at your first meeting and Cliff Meyers has you under his wing."
"What"s wrong with that? Mr. Meyers is a perfect gentleman."
"And he"s good to his mother. He"s a man with no visible means of support, who does ch.o.r.es for Boss Tully. I thought what everybody thought, that the boss had sent him to chaperone a green candidate."
"It"s not true!"
"No? You"re caught in the jam cupboard. What"s your story?"
She bit her lip. "I don"t have to explain anything to you.
"No. But if you won"t, the circ.u.mstances speak for themselves." She didn"t answer. We sat there, ignoring each other, while we ate. When she switched on the ignition, I said, "I"m going to tail you home."
"It"s not necessary, thank you."
"This town is a rough place since the War. A young woman should not be out alone at night. Even Cliff Meyers is better than n.o.body."
"That"s why I let them- Do as you see fit!" I had to skim red lights, but I kept close behind her. I expected her to rush inside and slam the door, but she was waiting by the curb. "Thank you for seeing me home, Mr. Ross."
"Quite all right." I went upon her front porch with her and said goodnight.
"Mr. Ross-I shouldn"t care what you think, but I"m not with Boss Tully. I"m independent." I waited. Presently she said, "You don"t believe me." The big, beautiful eyes were shiny with tears.
"I didn"t say so-but I"m waiting for you to explain."
"But what is there to explain?"
"Plenty." I sat down on the porch swing. "Come here, and tell papa. Why did you decide to run for office?"
"Well . . . " She sat down beside me; I caught a disturbing whiff of perfume. "It started because I couldn"t find an apartment. No, it didn"t-it was farther back, out in the South Pacific. I could stand the insects and the heat. Even the idiotic way the Army does things didn"t fret me much. But we had to queue up to use the wash basins. There was even a time when baths were rationed. I hated it. I used to lie on my cot at night, awake in the heat, and dream about a bathroom of my own. A bathroom of my own! A deep tub of water and time to soak. Shampoos and manicures and big, fluffy towels! I wanted to lock myself in and live there. Then I got out of the Army-"
"Yes?"
She shrugged. "The only apartment I could find carried a bonus bigger than my discharge pay, and I couldn"t afford it anyhow."
"What"s wrong with your own home?"
"This? This is my aunt"s home. Seven in the family and I make eight-one bathroom. I"m lucky to brush my teeth. And I share a three-quarters bed with my eight-year-old cousin."
"I see. But that doesn"t tell why you are running for office."
"Yes, it does. Uncle Sam was here one night and I was boiling over about the housing shortage and what I would like to do to Congress. He said I ought to be in politics; I said I"d welcome the chance. He phoned the next day and asked how would I like to run for his seat? I said-"
"Uncle Sam-Sam Jorgens!"
"Yes. He"s not my uncle, but I"ve known him since I was little. I was scared, but he said not to worry, he would help me out and advise me. So I did and that"s all there is to it. You see now?"
I saw all right. The political ac.u.men of an Easter bunny-except that the bunny rabbit was likely to lick the socks off me. "Okay," I told her, "but housing isn"t the only issue. How about the gas company franchise, for example and the sewage disposal plant? And the tax rate? What airport deal do you favor? Do you think we ought to ease up on zoning and how about the freeways?"
"I"m going after housing. Those issues can wait."
I snorted. "They won"t let you wait. While you"re riding your hobbyhorse, the boys will steal the public blind-again."
"Hobbyhorse! Mister Smarty-Britches, getting a house is the most important thing in the world to the man who hasn"t one. You wouldn"t be so smug if you were in that fix."
"Keep your shirt on. Me, I"m sleeping in a leaky trailer. I"m strong for plenty of housing-but how do you propose to get it?"
"How? Don"t be silly. I"ll back the measures that push it."
"Such as? Do you think the city ought to get into the building business? Or should it be strictly private enterprise? Should we sell bonds and finance new homes? Limit it to veterans, or will you help me, too? Heads of families only, or are you going to cut yourself in on it? How about pre-fabrication? Can we do everything you want to do under a building code that was written in 1911?" I paused for breath. "Well?"
"You"re being nasty, Jack."
"I sure am. But that"s not half of it. I"ll challenge you to debate on everything from dog licenses to patent paving materials. A nice, clean campaign and may the best man win-providing his name is Ross."
"I won"t accept."
"You"ll wish you had, before we"re through. My boys and girls will be at all your meetings, asking embarra.s.sing questions."
She looked at me. "Of all the dirty politics!"
"You"re a candidate, kid; you"re supposed to know the answers."
She looked upset. "I told Uncle Sam," she said, half to herself, "that I didn"t know enough about such things, but he said-"
"Go on, Frances. What did he say?"