CHAPTER X
VICTORIA went up to her room and locked the door behind her. She sat down on her small basket trunk and stared out of the dormer window. She was still all of a tingle; her hands, grasping the rough edges of the trunk, trembled a little. Yet she felt, amid all her perturbation, the strange gladness that overcomes one who has had a shock; the contest was still upon her.
"Yes," she said aloud, "I"m free. I"m out of it." She hated the dullness and ugliness which the Holts had brought with them from the Midlands.
The feeling came over her almost like a spasm. Through the dormer window she could see the white frontage of the house opposite. It was repellent like Mrs Holt"s personal devil.
The feeling of exultation suddenly subsided in Victoria"s breast. She realised all of a sudden that she was once more adrift, that she must find something to do. It might not be easy. She would have to find lodgings. The archway in Portsea Place materialised crudely. She could hear the landlady from 84 detailing the last phase of rheumatics to the slatternly maid who did for the grocer. Awful, awful. Perhaps she"d never find another berth. What should she do?
Victoria pulled herself together with a start. "This will never do," she said, "there"s lots of time to worry in. Now I must pack." She got up, drew the trunk into the middle of the room, opened it and took out the tray. Then, methodically, as she had been taught to do by her mother, she piled her belongings on the bed. In a few minutes it was filled with the nondescript possessions of the nomad. Skirts, books, boots, underclothing, an inkpot even, jostled one another in dangerous proximity. Victoria surveyed the heap with some dismay; all her troubles had vanished in the horror that comes over every packer: she would never get it all in. She struggled for half an hour, putting the heavy things at the bottom, piling blouses on the tray, cunningly secreting scent bottles in shoes, stuffing handkerchiefs into odd corners. Then she dropped the tray in, closed the lid and sat down upon it. The box creaked a little and gave way. Victoria locked it and got up with a little sigh of satisfaction. But she suddenly saw that the cupboard door was ajar and that in it hung her best dress and a feather boa; on the floor stood the packer"s plague, shoes. It was quite hopeless to try and get them in.
Victoria surveyed the difficulty for a moment; then she regretfully decided that she must ask Mrs Holt for a cardboard box, for her hat-box was already mortgaged. A nuisance. But rather no, she would ask the parlourmaid. She went to the door and was surprised to find it locked.
She turned the key slowly, looking round at the cheerful little room, every article of which was stupid without being offensive. It was hard, after all, to leave all this, without knowing where to go.
Victoria opened the door and jumped back with a little cry. Before her stood Jack. He had stolen up silently and waited. His face had flushed as he saw her; in his eyes was the misery of a sorrowful dog. His mouth, always a little open, trembled with excitement.
"Jack," cried Victoria, "oh! what do you want?"
"I"ve come to say . . . oh! Victoria . . ." Jack broke down in the middle of his carefully prepared sentence.
"Oh! go away," said Victoria faintly, putting her hand on her breast.
"Do go away. Can"t you see I"ve had trouble enough this morning?"
"I"m sorry," muttered Jack miserably. "I"ve been a fool. Vic, I"ve come to ask you if you"ll forgive me. It"s all my fault. I can"t bear it."
"Don"t talk about it," said Victoria becoming rigid. "That"s all over.
Besides you"ll have forgotten all about it to-morrow," she added cruelly.
Jack did not answer directly, though he was stung. "Vic," he said with hesitation, "I can"t bear to see you go, all through me. Listen, there"s something you said this morning. Did you mean it?"
"Mean what?" asked Victoria uneasily.
"You said, if I"d asked you to marry me you . . . I know I didn"t, but you know, Vic, I wanted you the first time I saw you. Oh! Vic, won"t you marry me now?"
Victoria looked at him incredulously. His hands were still trembling with excitement. His light eyes stared a little. His long thin frame was swaying. "I"d do anything for you. You don"t know what I could do. I"d work for you. I"d love you more than you"ve ever been loved." Jack stopped short; there was a hardness that frightened him in the set of Victoria"s jaw.
"You didn"t say that yesterday," she answered.
"No, I was mad. But I wanted to all along, Vic. You"re the only woman I ever loved. I don"t ask more of you than to let me love you."
Victoria looked at him more gently. His likeness to her brother grew plainer than ever. Kind but hopelessly inefficient. Poor boy, he meant no harm.
"I"m sorry, Jack," she said after a pause, "I can"t do it. You know you couldn"t make a living . . ."
"Oh, I could, I could!" cried Jack clinging at the straw, "if I had you to work for. You can"t tell what it means for me."
"Perhaps you could work," said Victoria with a wan little smile, "but I can"t marry you, Jack, you see. I like you very much, but I"m not in love with you. It wouldn"t be fair."
Jack looked at her dully. He had not dared to expect anything but defeat, yet defeat crushed him.
"There, you must go away now," said Victoria, "I must go downstairs. Let me pa.s.s please." She squeezed between him and the wall and made for the stairs.
"No, I can"t let you go," said Jack hoa.r.s.ely. He seized her by the waist and bent over her. Victoria looked the s.p.a.ce of a second into his eyes where the tiny veins were becoming bloodshot. She pushed him back sharply and, wrenching herself away, ran down the stairs. He did not follow her.
Victoria looked up from the landing. Jack was standing with bent head, one hand on the banister. "The only thing you can do for me is to go away," she said coldly. "I shall come up again in five minutes with Effie. I suppose you will not want us to find you outside my bedroom door."
She went downstairs. When she came up again with the maid, who carried a large brown cardboard box, Jack was nowhere to be seen.
A quarter of an hour later she followed the butcher"s boy who was dragging her box down the stairs, dropping it with successive thuds from step to step. As she reached the hall, while she was hesitating as to whether she should go into the dining-room to say good-bye to Mrs Holt, the door opened and Mrs Holt came out. The two women looked at one another for the s.p.a.ce of a second, like duellists about to cross swords.
Then Mrs Holt held out her hand.
"Good-bye, Victoria," she said, "I"m sorry you"re going. I know you"re not to blame."
"Thank you," said Victoria icily. "I"m sorry also, but it couldn"t be helped."
Mrs Holt heaved a large sigh. "I suppose not," she said.
Victoria withdrew her hand and went towards the door. The butcher"s boy had already taken her box down, marking the whitened steps with two black lines.
"Shall I call a cab, mum?" he asked.
"Yes please," said Victoria dreamily.
The youth went down the drive, his heels crunching into the gravel.
Victoria stood at the top of the steps, looking out at the shrubs, one or two of which showed pale buds, standing sharp like jewels on the black stems. Mrs Holt came up behind her softly.
"I hope we don"t part in anger, Victoria," she said guiltily.
Victoria looked at her with faint amus.e.m.e.nt. True, anger is a cardinal sin.
"Oh! no, not at all," she answered. "I quite understand."
"Don"t be afraid to give me as a reference," said Mrs Holt.
"Thank you," said Victoria. "I shan"t forget."
"And if ever you"re in trouble, come to me."
"You"re very kind," said Victoria. Mrs Holt was kind, she felt. She understood her better now. Much of her sternness oozed out of her. A mother defending her son knows no pity, thought Victoria; perhaps it"s wrong to resent it. It"s nature"s way of keeping the young alive.
The cab came trotting up the drive and stopped. The butcher"s boy was loading the trunk upon the roof. Victoria turned to Mrs Holt and took her hand.
"Good-bye," she said, "you"ve been very good to me. Don"t think I"m so bad as you thought me this morning. Your son has just asked me to marry him."
Mrs Holt dropped Victoria"s hand; her face was distorted by a spasm.