education getting more expensive every year. I shall have to stay at home, and turn into a miserable morning governess, teaching wretched little kids to read, and taking them for a walk round the park. Oh, oh!
it makes me _ill_ to think about it."
Dan laughed shortly.
"Excuse me! it makes you well. You look quite like yourself again.
I"ll give you a bit of advice if you like: don"t believe that anything"s impossible in this world, because it isn"t! Put the nursery governess idea out of your mind, and fire ahead for Newnham. There"s always the chance of a scholarship, and even if that didn"t come off, who can tell what may happen in three years" time? The way may clear in a dozen ways; it probably _will_ clear, if you get ready yourself. There are precious few things one can"t gain by steady slogging ahead."
Darsie looked at him with a kindling glance, her lips set, a spot of red showed on either cheek.
"Right!" she said briefly, and at that moment the train steamed into the station and the conference was at an end.
CHAPTER SEVEN.
AUNT MARIA"S CHOICE.
Aunt Maria arrived on Tuesday night, bringing "my woman" in attendance.
She was more like a parrot than ever, for her face had grown narrower, her nose bigger, and the roundness of her eyes was accentuated by gold- rimmed spectacles. When a richly coloured Paisley shawl was drawn tightly over her sloping shoulders the resemblance was positively startling to behold, and the terrors of an eight-weeks visit loomed larger than ever before the minds of the Garnett sisters.
The extraordinary thing was that Aunt Maria seemed to take no notice of the girls, whom, as everybody was aware, she had come to inspect. She talked to father, she talked to mother, she cross-questioned the boys as to their progress at school and expressed regret that they had not done better; she displayed an intelligent interest in the neighbours, the servants, and the new dining-room rug, but for the three daughters of the house she had not a word, hardly, it was believed, a glance.
In the presence of such utter indifference it was impossible to keep up the various roles which each girl had privately practised with the view of concealing her charms and diverting Aunt Maria"s attention from herself. Clemence had decided that rounded shoulders and a lurching gait were defects which at seventeen threatened a painful permanence, and had therefore lurched persistently throughout the first evening, since which time she had slowly but steadily recovered her natural gait.
After long practice before the mirror Darsie had decided that an open mouth and falling under-jaw could work marvels in the way of stupidity of expression, and had nerved herself to sit agape for the period of forty-eight hours. Lavender had decided to sulk. "Every one hates sulks! It would be better to live alone on a desert island than with a person who sulks. I"ll sulk, and she won"t be paid to have me!" So one sister had sulked and the other gaped the whole of that first long evening, and then, becoming increasingly freed from their fears, began to smile secretly across the table, to nod and to nudge, to telegraph messages in the silent but eloquent fashions to which members of a large family resort when visitors are present and talking is not allowed. And Aunt Maria munched her food, and wrapped the Paisley shawl more closely round her shoulders, and cast not a glance to right or left! A blissful possibility was broached that she had changed her mind, and did not desire a visitor after all.
Wednesday and Thursday pa.s.sed in increasing calm, but on Friday morning certain alarming symptoms became visible. Mrs Garnett came to breakfast with unmistakable signs of agitation upon her face. Mr Garnett was silent and distrait, hid behind his newspaper, and answered at random the remarks of his family. Late arrivals were allowed to pa.s.s without reproach, and Tim"s raids upon the marmalade received no further protest than a flickering smile.
The die was cast! The girls knew it without a word; in a stupor of misery they sat, ears c.o.c.ked, hearts in their boots, waiting for a sign which should betray the truth, and decide once for all the ident.i.ty of the victim.
It came at last, towards the end of the meal, in the midst of a ghastly silence.
"Darsie, darling," said Mrs Garnett fondly, "won"t you have some more coffee?"
"_Darling_!" Never were Mrs Garnett"s north-country lips known to use that term except under stress of the most poignant emotion. To be "darling" one was compelled to be very ill, very sad, angelically repentant, or in an extremity of fear, and Darsie, who this morning was not afflicted in any one of these three ways, realised in a flash the awful significance of the term. She sat white and silent, too dazed for speech, and to do them justice Clemence and Lavender looked almost as perturbed as herself, relief on their own account being eclipsed for the moment by a realisation of the loss which the holiday party was about to sustain. With a sudden and uninvited humility each sister mentally acknowledged that for the general good of the family it would have been better had the choice fallen upon herself!
Darsie braced her feet against a leg of the table, and struggled with a lump in her throat. Coffee? she never wanted to drink any more coffee so long as she lived! The sight, the smell of it would be for ever a.s.sociated with this ghastly moment. She turned big, woeful eyes on her mother"s face and stammered a breathless inquiry:
"Mother, you have something to say! Please say it. Don"t break it to me, please; it"s worse to wait. Say it bang out!"
"Oh, Darsie, darling; yes, darling, it _is_ as you suppose! Aunt Maria has chosen you. She wants you to start with her on Sat.u.r.day morning, but if it"s too soon--if you would rather stay over Sunday, I will arrange..."
Darsie bit her lips in the desperate resolve not to cry, but to carry off the situation with a high air.
"If I"m to go at all, I"d rather go at once, and get it over. There"s nothing to be gained by delay. "Better to die by sudden shock than perish piecemeal on the rock.""
"But you will want to say goodbye to your friends, dear; you will have little arrangements to make..." Mrs Garnett was all nervousness and anxiety to appease, but after the manner of victims Darsie felt a perverse satisfaction in rejecting overtures, even when by so doing she doubly punished herself.
"I don"t mean to say goodbye. I don"t wish to see any one before I go.
I hate scenes."
"Well, well! just as you please, dear. After all, it is for a very short time. Eight weeks will soon pa.s.s."
Silence. Every youthful face at the table was set in an eloquent declaration that eight weeks was an eternity, a waste, a desert of s.p.a.ce. Mr Garnett put down his newspaper and hurriedly left the room.
He had the usual male horror of scenes, and, moreover, Darsie was his special pet, and his own nerves were on edge at the thought of the coming separation. If the child cried or appealed to him for protection, he would not like to say what he might do. Flight appeared to be his safest course, but Darsie felt a pang of disappointment and wounded love at this desertion of her cause, and the smart did not help to improve her temper.
"Aunt Maria wishes to see you, dear, as soon as you have finished your breakfast," continued Mrs Garnett, elaborately conciliatory. "Father and I are very grateful to her for her interest in you, but you know, dear, how we feel about losing you, how we sympathise with your disappointment! We are convinced that in the end this chance will be for your benefit; but in the meantime it is very hard. We are sorry for you, dear."
"And I," declared Darsie coldly, "am sorry for Aunt Maria!"
She pushed back her chair and stalked out of the room, while her brothers and sisters stared after her agape. Along the narrow oil- clothed hall she went, up the steep, narrow staircase to the little third-floor bedroom, the only place on earth which was her very own.
There was nothing luxurious about it, nothing of any intrinsic value or beauty, but in the eyes of its occupant every separate article was a pearl of price. All her treasures were here--her pictures, her ornaments, her books, mementoes of journeyings, offerings of friends.
It was a shrine, a refuge from the cold outer world. Alone in "my room"
one lost the insignificance of a member of a large family, and became a responsible human being face to face with personal trials and responsibilities...
Eight weeks out of a life! To the adult mind a sacrifice of so short a period may be a disappointment, but can hardly be deemed a trial; to schoolgirl fifteen it may seem a catastrophe which clouds the whole horizon. To Darsie Garnett the change of plan was the first real sorrow of her life, and these moments of reflection were full of a suffocating misery. Antic.i.p.ated joys rose before her with intolerable distinctness.
She saw her companions happily at play, and felt a stabbing dart of jealousy. Yes, they would forget all about her and feel no loss from her absence! Clemence and Vie would enjoy their _tete-a-tete_, would be unwilling to admit a third into their conferences at her return. Dan would take them for boating and fishing expeditions. Dan would grow to like Clemence better than herself! Darsie gave a little sob of misery at the thought. She had no sentimental feelings as regards Dan, or any one else at this period of her life, but as the one _big_ boy, almost man, of her acquaintance Dan stood on a pedestal by himself as a lofty and superior being, whose favour was one of the prizes of life. That Dan should become more intimate, more friendly with Clemence and Lavender than with herself was a possibility fraught with dismay.
Darsie sobbed again, but her eyes were dry; she was angry, too angry to cry; her heart was seething with rebellion. Some one knocked at the door and received no answer, knocked again and was curtly ordered to "go away"; then Mr Garnett"s voice spoke, in gentle and conciliatory tones--
"It"s father! Let me in, dear; I"ve just a minute..."
It was impossible to refuse such a request. Darsie opened the door, and there he stood, tall and thin, with the embarra.s.sed _boy_ look upon his face which always made him seem especially near to his children. It was the look he wore when they were in trouble and he essayed to lecture and advise, and it seemed to say, "I"ve been there myself; I understand!
Now it"s my part to play the heavy father, but _I"m not nearly so much shocked as I pretend_!" To-day his manner was frankly commiserating.
"Well, Kiddie, dear! I was running off to town like a coward, but at the last moment I was obliged to come up for a word. It"s hard lines for you, dear, and I want you to know that it"s hard lines for me, too!
The country won"t be half so jolly as if we"d all been together. I"ll miss you _badly_, little la.s.s!"
"_Don"t_! I"ll howl. _Don"t_ make me howl!" pleaded Darsie hastily, the tight feeling about her eyes and lips giving place to an alarming weepiness at the sound of the tender words. "If you really care, father, couldn"t you--couldn"t you possibly refuse?"
Mr Garnett shook his head.
"No! That"s settled. We talked it over, mother and I, and agreed that it must be done. It"s a duty, dear, and we can"t shelve duties in this life. I"m sorry for you in your disappointment, and only wish I could help, but in this matter no one can help but yourself. You can do a lot if you try. Shall I tell you, Darsie, how you could get over your regret, and turn your visit to Arden into something far more agreeable than you can now imagine?"
Darsie c.o.c.ked an eye at him, suspicious and hesitating. He was going to preach! She knew the symptoms of old, and by way of counter-action put on her most dour and sullen expression.
"Um!"
"Very well, then, here it is! Turn your back on the might-have-been, and try with all your might to like what _is_! Aunt Maria will, I know, be all that is kind and indulgent--in her own way! It won"t be _your_ way, however, and that"s the rub. If you begin your visit in a spirit of irritation, I"m afraid you are going to have a pretty poor time, but if you try to enjoy every little thing that comes along out of which enjoyment can be squeezed and to _laugh_ at the rest, to laugh instead of to cry--well, it"s astonishing how the scene will change! Do you think you could try?"
Darsie pouted, sulky and unconvinced. "Were _you_ resigned when you were fifteen?"
"No, my la.s.sie! I wasn"t, indeed. Very far from it, I"m sorry to say.
But when one has travelled on for many years and come many a cropper on the way one _does_ long to show one"s children the short cuts! That"s _one_ short cut. Darsie; I wish you"d take it, and avoid the falls. If you can"t have what you like, try to like what you have. Expect good, not evil. Say to yourself every morning: "This is going to be a good day, a happy day, one of the happiest days of my life," and then you are half-way towards making it so. Poor little Kiddie! it sounds hard, but try it--try it--and occasionally, just for a change, forget that you are Darsie Garnett for five minutes or so at a time, and pretend instead that you are Maria Hayes! Pretend that you are old and lonely and ailing in health, and that there"s a young girl staying with you from whom you are hoping to enjoy some brightness and variety! Eh? The other morning in church you were beside me when we were singing "Fight the good fight!" You sang it heartily, Darsie; I enjoyed your singing.--I thought you looked as if you really meant the words. Well, here"s the battlefield for you, dear! Are you going to play coward? I don"t believe it. I think better of my girl!"
He laid his hand on her shoulder with a caressing touch. Darsie wriggled and screwed up her little nose in eloquent grimace, but when the hand crept up to her chin she lifted her face for the farewell kiss, and even volunteered an extra one on her own account on the dear, thin cheek.
Mr Garnett smiled contentedly to himself as he descended the staircase.
Darsie had made no promises, but he was satisfied that his words had not been in vain. And Darsie, left alone in her room, fell instinctively to repeating the words of the grand old hymn--