In spite of every effort to remain blind to the truth, I began to fear that she was inclined to give me a regard which I had not sought, and which would embarra.s.s me beyond measure.
That a man can exult over a pa.s.sion in a woman which he cannot requite is marvellous. That he can look curiously, critically, and complacently on this most sacred mystery of a woman"s soul, that he can care no more for her delicate incense than would a grim idol, is proof that his heart is akin to the stony idol in material, and his nature like that of the gross, cruel divinity represented. The vanity that can feed on such food has a more depraved appet.i.te than the South Sea Islander, who is content with human flesh merely. It would seem that there are those who can smile to see a woman waste the richest treasures of her spiritual life which were designed to last and sustain through the long journey of life--ay, and even boast of her immeasurable loss, of which they, wittingly or unwittingly, have been the cause.
The oddest part of it all is that women can love such men instead of regarding them as spider-like monsters that, were the doctrine of transmigration true, would become spiders again as soon as compelled to drop their human disguise.
But women usually idealize the men they love into something very different from what they are. Heaven knows that I was not a saint; but I am glad that it caused me pain, and pain only, as I saw Adah shyly and almost unconsciously bending on me glances laden with a priceless gift, which, nevertheless, I could not receive.
Her nature was too simple and direct for disguises, and when she attempted them they were often so apparent as to be comically pathetic.
And yet she did attempt them. There was nothing bold and unmaidenly in her manner, and as I look back upon those days I thank G.o.d that I was never so graceless and brutal as to show or feel anything like contempt for her gentle, childlike preference. Very possibly also my own unfortunate experience made me more considerate, and it was my policy to treat her with the same frank, undisguised affection that I manifested toward Zillah, with, of course, the differences required by their different ages.
Adah was no longer repulsive to me. The events of that memorable night of storm and danger, and the experiences that followed, had apparently awakened her better nature, which, although having a narrow compa.s.s, was gentle and womanly. Her old flippancy was gone. My undisguised preference for Miss Warren after I had actually made her acquaintance, and my persistent blindness to everything verging toward sentiment, had perhaps done something toward dispelling her belief that beauty and dress were irresistible. Thus she may have been led honestly to compare herself with Emily Warren, who was not only richly endowed but highly cultivated; at any rate her small vanity had vanished also, and she was in contrast as self-distrustful and hesitating in manner as she formerly had been abrupt and self-a.s.serting. Moreover she had either lost her interest in her neighbor"s petty affairs, or else had been made to feel that a tendency to gossip was not a captivating trait, and we heard no more about what this one said or that one wore on her return from meeting. While her regard was undoubtedly sincere, I felt and hoped that it was merely a sentiment attendant on her wakening and fuller spiritual life, rather than an abiding and deep attachment; and I believed that it would soon be replaced by other interests after my departure. For my own sake as well as hers I had decided to leave the farmhouse as speedily as possible, but I soon began to entertain the theory that I could dispel her dreams better by remaining a little longer, and by proving that she held the same place in my thoughts as Zillah, and could possess no other. There would then be no vain imaginings after I had gone.
I rather wanted to stay until I had fully recovered my health, for I was beginning to take pride in my self-mastery. If I could regain my footing, and stand erect in such quiet, manly strength as to change Miss Warren"s sympathy into respect only, I felt that I would achieve a victory that would be a source of satisfaction for the rest of life.
That I could do this I honestly doubted, for seemingly she had enthralled my whole being, and her power over me was wellnigh irresistible.
I knew that she understood Adah even better than I did, and it seemed her wish to afford the girl every opportunity, for she never came to ask how I was when Adah was present; and the latter was honest enough to tell me that it was Miss Warren who had suggested some of the simple yet interesting stories with which my long hours of convalescence were beguiled; but in her latent jealousy she could not help adding:
"Since Emily Warren selected them, thee cannot help liking them."
"I certainly ought to like them doubly," I had quietly replied, looking directly into her eyes, "since I am indebted for them to two friends instead of one."
"There"s a great difference in friends," she said significantly.
"Yes, indeed," I replied, smiling as frankly as if I had been talking to Zillah; "and your mother is the best friend I have or ever expect to have."
Adah had sighed deeply, and had gone on with her reading in a girlish, plaintive voice that was quite different from her ordinary tones.
Unconsciously she had imbibed the idea--probably from what she often heard at meeting--that anything read or spoken consecutively must be in a tone different from that used in ordinary conversation, and she always lifted up her voice into an odd, plaintive little monotone, that was peculiar, but not at all disagreeable. It would not have been natural in another, but was perfectly so to her, and harmonized with her unique character. The long words even in the simple stories were often formidable obstacles, and she would look up apprehensively, and color for fear I might be laughing at her; but I took pains to gaze quietly through the window in serene unconsciousness. She also stumbled because her thoughts evidently were often far away from her book, but at my cordial thanks when finishing the story her face would glow with pleasure. And yet she missed something in my thanks, or else saw, in the quiet manner with which I turned to my letters or paper, that which was unsatisfactory, and she would sigh as she left the room. Her gentle, patient efforts to please me, which oddly combined maidenly shyness and childlike simplicity, often touched the depths of my heart, and the thought came more than once, "If this is more than a girlish fancy, and time proves that I am essential to her happiness--which is extremely doubtful--perhaps I can give her enough affection to content a nature like hers."
But one glimpse of Emily Warren would banish this thought, for it seemed as if my very soul were already wedded to her. "The thought of another is impossible," I would mutter. "She was my fate."
Four or five of the days during which I had been sufficiently strong to sit up had pa.s.sed away, and I was able to give more of my time to my mail and paper, and thus to seem preoccupied when Adah came to read. I found Zillah also a useful though unconscious ally, and I lured her into my room by innumerable stories. Reuben and Mr. Yocomb were now very busy in their harvest, and I saw them chiefly in the evening, but they were too tired to stay long. Time often hung wofully heavy on my hands, and I longed to be out of doors again; but Mrs. Yocomb was prudently inexorable. I am sure that she restrained Adah a great deal, for she grew less and less demonstrative in manner, and I was left more to myself.
Thus a week pa.s.sed. It was Sat.u.r.day morning, and between the harvest without and preparations for Sunday within, all the inmates of the farmhouse were very busy. The forenoon had wellnigh pa.s.sed. I had exhausted every expedient to kill time, and was looking on the landscape shimmering in the fierce sunlight with an apathy that was dull and leaden in contrast, when a low knock caused me to look up; but instead of Adah, as I expected, Miss Warren stood in the doorway.
"They are all so busy to-day," she said hesitatingly, "that I thought I might help you pa.s.s an hour or two. It seems too bad that you should be left to yourself so long."
To my disgust, I--who had resolved to be so strong and self-poised in her presence--felt that every drop of blood in my body had rushed into my face. It certainly must have been very apparent, for her color became vivid also.
"I fear I was having a stupid time," I began awkwardly. "I don"t want to make trouble. Perhaps Mrs. Yocomb needs your help."
"No," she said, smiling, "you can"t banish me on that ground. I"ve been helping Mrs. Yocomb all the morning. She"s teaching me how to cook.
I"ve succeeded in proving that the family would have a fit of indigestion that might prove fatal were it wholly dependent on my performances."
"Tell me what you made?" I said eagerly. "Am I to have any of it for my dinner?"
"Indeed you are not. Dr. Bates would have me indicted."
She looked at me with solicitude, for although I had laughed with her I felt ill and faint. Despairingly, I thought, "I cannot see her and live. I must indeed go away."
"So you are coming downstairs to-morrow?" she began. "We shall give yon a welcome that ought to make any man proud. Mrs. Yocomb is all aglow with her preparations."
"I wish they wouldn"t do so," I said, in a pained tone. "I"d much rather slip quietly into my old place as if nothing had happened."
"I imagined you would feel so, Mr. Morton," she said gently; "but so much has happened that you must let them express their abounding grat.i.tude in their own way. It will do them good, and they will be the happier for it."
"Indeed, Miss Warren, that very word grat.i.tude oppresses me. There is no occasion for their feeling so. Why, Hiram, their man, could not have done less. I merely happened to be here. It"s all the other way now. If ever a man was overwhelmed with kindness, I have been. How can I ever repay Mrs. Yocomb?"
"I am equally helpless in that respect; but I"m glad to think that between some of our friends the question of repaying may be forgotten.
I never expect to repay Mrs. Yocomb."
"Has she done so much for you, also?"
"Yes, more than I can tell you."
"Well," I said, trying to laugh, "if I ever write another paragraph it will be due to her good nursing."
"That is my chief cause for grat.i.tude," she said hurriedly, the color deepening again in her cheeks. "If you hadn"t--if--I know of your brave effort to get well, too--she told me."
"Yes, Miss Warren," I said quietly, "I am now doing my best."
"And you are doing n.o.bly--so n.o.bly that I am tempted to give you a strong proof of friendship; to tell you what I have not told any one except Mrs. Yocomb. I feel as if I had rather you heard it from me than casually from others. It will show how--how I trust you."
My very heart seemed to stand still, and I think my pallor alarmed her; but feeling that she had gone too far, she continued hurriedly, taking a letter from her pocket:
"I expect my friend to-night. He"s been absent, and now writes that he will--"
I shrank involuntarily as if from a blow, and with her face full of distress she stopped abruptly.
Summoning the whole strength of my manhood, I rallied sufficiently to say, in a voice that I knew was unnatural from the stress I was under:
"I congratulate you. I trust you may be very happy."
"I had hoped--" she began. "I would be if I saw that you were happy."
"You are always hoping," I replied, trying to laugh, "that I may become sane and rational. Haven"t you given that up yet? I shall be very happy to-morrow, and will drink to the health of you both."
She looked at me very dubiously, and the trouble in her face did not pa.s.s away. "Let me read to you," she said abruptly. "I brought with me Hawthorne"s "Mosses from an Old Manse." They are not too familiar, I trust?"
"I cannot hear them too often," I said, nerving myself as if for torture.
She began to read that exquisite little character study, "The Great Stone Face." Her voice was sweet and flexible, and varied with the thought as if the words had been set to music. At first I listened with delight to hear my favorite author so perfectly interpreted; but soon, too soon, every syllable added to my sense of unutterable loss.
Possibly she intuitively felt my distress, possibly she saw it as I tried to look as stoical as an Indian chief who is tortured on every side with burning brands. At any rate she stopped, and said hesitatingly:
"You--you do not enjoy my reading."
With a rather grim smile I replied: "Nothing but the truth will answer with you. I must admit I do not."