Manlike, I had to think it all out, but I thought swiftly. The echo of his words had scarcely died away before the light of a great hope flashed into my face as my whole heart put the question:
"Can it be only sympathy?"
She met my eager glance shrinkingly. I felt almost as if my life depended on the answer that she might consciously or unconsciously give. Why did she fall into painful and even piteous confusion?
But her womanly pride and strong character at once a.s.serted themselves, for she arose quietly, saying, "I do not feel well this evening," and she left the room.
Mr. Hearn followed precipitately, and was profuse in his commiseration.
"I shall be well in the morning," she said, with such clear, confident emphasis that it occurred to me that the a.s.surance was not meant for his ears only; then, in spite of his entreaties, she went to her room.
I wanted no more supper, and made a poor pretence of keeping Reuben company, and I thought his boy"s appet.i.te never would be satisfied. My mind was in such a tumult of hope and fear that I had to strive with my whole strength for self-mastery, so as to excite no surmises. Mrs.
Yocomb gave me a few inquiring glances, thinking, perhaps, that I was showing more solicitude about Miss Warren than was wise; but in fact they were all so simple-hearted, so accustomed to express all they thought and felt, that they were not inclined to search for hidden and subtle motives. Even feigning more bungling than mine would have kept my secret from them. Adah seemed relieved at Miss Warren"s departure.
Mr. Hearn lighted a cigar and sat down on the piazza; as soon as possible I pleaded fatigue and retired to my room, for I was eager to be alone that I might, unwatched, look with fearful yet glistening eyes on the trace I had discovered of an infinite treasure.
I again sat down by the window and looked into the old garden. The possibility that the woman that I had there seen, undisguised in her beautiful truth, might be drawing near me, under an impulse too strong to be resisted, thrilled my very soul. "It"s contrary to reason, to every law in nature," I said, "that she should attract me with such tremendous gravitation, and yet my love have no counteraction.
"And yet," I murmured, "beware--beware how you hope. Possibly she is merely indisposed. It is more probable that her feelings toward you are those of grat.i.tude only and of deep sympathy. She is under the impression that you saved her life, and that she has unwittingly blighted yours; and, as Mrs. Yocomb said, she is so kind-hearted, so sensitive, that the thought shadows her life and robs it of zest and happiness. You cannot know that she is learning to return your love in spite of herself, simply because she is pale and somewhat sad. She would think herself, as she said, inhuman if she were happy and serene.
I must seek for other tests;" and I thought long and deeply. "Oh, Will Shakespeare!" I at last murmured, "you knew the human heart, if any one ever did. I remember now that you wrote:
""A murd"rous guilt shows not itself more soon Than love that would seem hid."
"Oh, for the eyes of Argus. If all the mines of wealth in the world were uncovered, and I might have them all for looking, I"d turn away for one clear glimpse into her woman"s heart to-night. Go to New York on Monday! No, not unless driven away with a whip of scorpions. No eagle that ever circled those skies watched as I"ll stay and watch for the faintest trace of this priceless secret. No detective, stimulated by professional pride and vast reward, ever sought proof of "murd"rous guilt" as I shall seek for evidences of this pure woman"s love, for more than life depends on the result of my quest."
Words like these would once have seemed extravagant and absurd, but in the abandon of my solitude and in my strong excitement they but inadequately expressed the thoughts that surged through my mind. But as I grew calmer, Conscience asked to be heard.
"Just what do you propose?" it asked; "to win her from another, who now has every right to her allegiance and love? Change places, and how would you regard the man who sought to supplant you? You cannot win happiness at the expense of your honor."
Then Reason added, with quiet emphasis, "Even though your conscience is not equal to the emergency, hers will be. She will do what seems right without any regard for the consequences. If you sought to woo her now, she would despise you; she would regard it as an insult that she would never forgive. It would appear proof complete that you doubted her truth, her chief characteristic."
Between them they made so strong a case against me that my heart sank at the prospect. But hope is the lever that moves the world onward, and the faint hope that had dawned on my thick night was too dear and bright a one to leave me crushed again by my old despondency, and I felt that there must be some way of untangling the problem. If the wall of honor hedged me in on every side, I would _know_ the fact to be true before I accepted it.
"I do not propose to woo her," I argued; and possibly my good resolution was strengthened by the knowledge that such a course would be fatal to my hope; "I only intend to discover what may possibly exist. I never have intentionally sought to influence her, even by a glance, since I knew of her relation to Mr. Hearn. I"m under no obligation to this prosperous banker; I"m only bound by honor in the abstract. They are not married. Mrs. Yocomb would say that I had been brought hither by an overruling Providence--it certainly was not a conscious choice of mine--and since I met this woman everything has conspired to bring me to my present position. I know I"m not to blame for it--no more than I was for the storm or the lightning bolt. What a clod I should be were I indifferent to the traits that she has manifested! I feel with absolute certainty that I cannot help the impression that she has made on me. If I could have foreseen it all, I might have remained away; but I was led hither, and kept here by my illness till my chains are riveted and locked, and the key is lost. I cannot escape the fact that I belong to her, body and soul.
"Now suppose, for the sake of argument, that grat.i.tude, respect, friendliness, a sense of being unprotected and alone in the world, have led to her engagement with the wealthy, middle-aged banker, and that through it all her woman"s heart was never awakened: such a thing at least is possible. If this were true, she would be no more to blame than I, and we might become the happy victims of circ.u.mstances. I"m not worthy of her, and never shall be, but I can"t help that either. After all, it seems to me that that which should fulfil my hope is not a ledger balance of good qualities, but the magnetic sympathy of two natures that supplement each other, and were designed for each other in Heaven"s match-making. Even now my best hope is based on the truth that she attracts me so irresistibly, and though a much smaller body morally, I should have some corresponding attraction for her. If her woman"s heart has become mine, what can she give him? Her very truth may become my most powerful ally. If she still loves him, I will go away and stay away; if it be in accordance with my trembling hope, I have the higher right, and I will a.s.sert it to the utmost extent of my power. Shall the happiness of two lives be sacrificed to his unflagging prosperity? Could it ever be right for him to lead her body to the altar and leave her heart with me? Could she, who is truth itself, go there and perjure herself before G.o.d and man? No! a thousand times no!
It has become a simple question of whom she loves, and I"ll find out if Shakespeare"s words are true. If she has love for me, let her bury it never so deeply, my love will be the divining-rod that will inevitably discover it."
Having reached this conclusion, I at last slept, in the small hours of the night.
I thought I detected something like apprehension in her eyes when I met her in the morning. Was she conscious of a secret that might reveal itself in spite of her? But she was cheerful and decided in her manner, and seemed bent on a.s.suring Mr. Hearn that she was well again, and all that he could desire.
Were I in mortal peril I could not have been more vigilantly on my guard. Not for the world would I permit her to know what was pa.s.sing in my mind--at least not yet--and as far as possible I resumed my old manner. I even simulated more dejection than I felt, to counterbalance the flash of hope that I feared she had recognized on the previous evening.
I well knew that all her woman"s strength, that all her woman"s pride and exalted sense of honor would bind her to him, who was serenely secure in his trust. My one hope was that her woman"s heart was my ally; that it would prove the strongest; that it would so a.s.sert itself that truth and honor would at last range themselves on its side. Little did the simple, frank old Quaker realize the pa.s.sionate alternations of hope and fear that I brought to his breakfast-table that bright Sunday.
All that my guarded scrutiny could gather was that Miss Warren was a little too devoted and thoughtful of her urbane lover, and that her cheerfulness lacked somewhat in spontaneity.
It was agreed at the breakfast-table that we should all go to meeting.
"Mrs. Yocomb," I said, finding her alone for a moment, "won"t you be moved this morning? I need one of your sermons more than any heathen in Africa. Whatever your faith is, I believe in it, for I"ve seen its fruits."
"If a message is given to me I will not be silent; if not, it would be presumptuous to speak. But my prayer is that the Spirit whom we worship may speak to thee, and that thou wilt listen. Unless He speaks, my poor words would be of no avail."
"You are a mystery to me, Mrs. Yocomb, with your genial homely farm life here, and your mystical spiritual heights at the meeting-house.
You seem to go from the kitchen by easy and natural transition to regions beyond the stars, and to pa.s.s without hesitancy from the companionship of us poor mortals into a Presence that is to me supremely awful."
"Thee doesn"t understand, Richard. The little faith I have I take with me to the kitchen, and I"m not afraid of my Father in heaven because he is so great and I"m so little. Is Zillah afraid of her father?"
"I suppose you are right, and I admit that I don"t understand, and I don"t see how I could reason it out."
"G.o.d"s children," she replied, "as all children, come to believe many blessed truths without the aid of reason. It was not reason that taught me my mother"s love, and yet, now that I have children, it seems very reasonable. I think I learned most from what she said to me and did for me. If ever children were a.s.sured of love by their Heavenly Father, we have been; if it is possible for a human soul to be touched by loving, unselfish devotion, let him read the story of Christ."
"But, Mrs. Yocomb, I"m not one of the children."
"Yes, thee is. The trouble with thee is that thee"s ashamed, or at least that thee won"t acknowledge the relation, and be true to it."
"Dear Mrs. Yocomb," I cried in dismay, "I must either renounce heathenism or go away from your influence," and I left precipitately.
But in truth I was too far gone in human idolatry to think long upon her words; they lodged in my memory, however, and I trust will never lose their influence.
CHAPTER XIII
THE OLD MEETING-HOUSE AGAIN
Reuben and I, with Dapple, skimmed along the country roads, and my hope and spirits kindled, though I scarcely knew why. We were early at the meeting-house, and, to my joy, I gained my old seat, in which I had woven my June day-dream around the fair unknown Quakeress whose face was now that of a loved sister. What ages, seemingly, had elapsed since that fateful day! What infinite advances in life"s experiences I had made since I last sat there! How near I had come to the experiences of another life! The fact made me grave and thoughtful. And yet, if my fear and not my hope were realized, what a burden was imposed upon me with the life that disease had spared! Had I even Mrs. Yocomb"s faith, I knew it would be a weight under which I would often stagger and faint.
Before very long the great family rockaway unloaded its precious freight at the horse-block, and Adah and Miss Warren entered, followed by the little girls. In secret wonder I saw Adah pause before the same long, straight-backed bench or pew, and Miss Warren take the place where I had first seen my "embodiment of June." Mrs. Yocomb went quietly to her place on the high seat.
"The spell continues to work, but with an important change," I thought.
In a few moments Mr. Yocomb marshalled in Mr. Hearn, and placed him in the end of the pew next to Miss Warren on the men"s side, so that they might have the satisfaction of sitting together, as if at church. He then looked around for me; but I shook my head, and would not go up higher.
Soon all the simple, plainly apparelled folk who would attend that day were in their places, and the old deep hush that I so well remembered settled down upon us. The sweet low monotone of the summer wind was playing still among the maples. I do believe that it was the same old b.u.mblebee that darted in, still unable to overcome its irate wonder at a people who could be so quiet and serene. The sunlight flickered in here and there, and shadowy leaves moved noiselessly up and down the whitewashed wall. Only the occasional song of a bird was wanting to reproduce the former hour, but at this later season the birds seem content with calls and chirpings, and in the July heat they were almost as silent as we were.
But how weak and fanciful my June day-dream now seemed. Then woman"s influence on my life was but a romantic sentiment. I had then conjured up a pretty vista full of serene, quiet domestic joys, which were to be a solace merely of my real life of toil and ambition. I had thought myself launched on a shining tide that would bear me smoothly to a quiet home anchorage; but almost the first word that Emily Warren spoke broke the spell of my complacent, indolent dream, and I awoke to the presence of an earnest, large-souled woman, who was my peer, and in many respects my superior; whom, so far from being a mere household pet, could be counsellor and friend, and a daily inspiration. Instead of shrinking from the world with which I must grapple, she already looked out upon its tangled and cruel problems with clear, intelligent, courageous eyes; single-handed she had coped with it and won from it a place and respect. And yet, with all her strength and fearlessness, she had kept her woman"s heart gentle and tender. Oh, who could have better proof of this than I, who had seen her face bending over the little unconscious Zillah, and who had heard her low sob when she feared I might be dying.
The two maidens sat side by side, and I was not good enough to think of anything better or purer than they. Adah, with her face composed to its meeting-house quiet, but softened and made more beautiful by pa.s.sing shades of thought; still it seemed almost as young and childlike as that of Zillah. Miss Warren"s profile was less round and full, but it was more finely chiselled, and was luminous with mind. The slightly higher forehead, the more delicately arched eyebrow, the deeper setting of her dark, changing eyes, that were placed wide apart beneath the overhanging brow, the short, thin, tremulous upper lip, were all indications of the quick, informing spirit which made her face like a transparency through which her thoughts could often be guessed before spoken; and since they were good, n.o.ble, genial thoughts, they enhanced her beauty. And yet it had occurred to me more than once that if Miss Warren were a depraved woman she could give to evil a deadly fascination.
"Are her thoughts wandering like mine?" I mused. With kindling hope I saw her face grow sad, and I even imagined that her pallor increased.
For a long time she looked quietly and fixedly before her, as did Adah, and then she stole a shy, hesitating glance at Mr. Hearn by her side; but the banker seemingly had found the silent meeting a trifle dull, for his eyes were heavy, and all life and animation had faded out of his full white face. Was it my imagination, or did she slightly shrink from him? In an almost instantaneous flash she turned a little more and glanced at me, and I was caught in the act of almost breathless scrutiny. A sudden red flamed in her cheeks, but not a Friend of them all was more motionless than she at once became.
My conscience smote me. Though I watched for her happiness as truly as my own, the old meeting-house should have been a sanctuary even from the eyes of love. I knew from the expression of her face that she had not liked it; nor did I blame her.
I was glad to have the silence of the meeting broken; for a venerable man rose slowly from the high seat and reverently enunciated the words: