CHAPTER XVI. UNPLEASANT TURN TO AN AGREEABLE CONVERSE.
There is no denying it, I have led a life of far more than ordinary happiness. The white squares in the checker of my existence have certainly equalled the black ones, and it is not every man can say as much. I suspect I owe a great share of this enjoyment to temperament, to a disposition not so much remarkable for opposing difficulties as for deriving all the possible pleasure from any fortunate conjuncture. This gift I know I possess. I am not one of those strong natures which, by their intrinsic force, are ever impressing their own image on the society they live in. I am a weak, frail, yielding creature, but my very pliancy has given me many a partnership in emotions which, with a more rugged temperament, I had not partaken of. When one has wept over a friend"s misfortunes and awakes to the consciousness that no ill has befallen himself, he feels as some great millionnaire might feel who has bestowed a thousand pounds in charity and yet knows he is never the poorer. With the proud consciousness of this fresh t.i.tle to men"s admiration, he has the secret satisfaction of knowing that he will go clothed in purple as before, and fare to-day as sumptuously as yesterday. Do you, most generous of readers, call this selfishness?
It is the very reverse. It is the grand culminating point of human sympathy.
I have a great deal more to say about myself. It is a theme I am really fond of, but I am not exactly sure that you are like-minded, or that this is the fittest place for it. I return to events.
It was on a bright, breezy morning of the early autumn that a heavy old German travelling-carriage,--a wagon!--rattled over the uneven pavement of Kalbbratonstadt, and soon gaining one of the long forest alleys, rolled noiselessly over the smooth sward. Within sat an elderly lady with a due allowance of air-cushions, toy-terriers, and guide-books; in the rumble were a man and a maid; and in the cabriolet in front were a pale but placid girl, with large gray eyes and long lashes, and he who now writes these lines beside her. They who had only known me a few months back as a freshman of Trinity would not have recognized me now, as I sat with a long-peaked travelling-cap, a courier"s belt and bag at my side, and the opening promise of a small furry moustache on my upper lip; not to say that I had got up a sort of supercilious air of contemptuous pity for the foreigner, which I had observed to be much in favor with the English abroad. It cost me dear to do this, and nothing but the consciousness that it was one of the requirements of my station could have made me a.s.sume it, for in my heart of hearts, I revelled in enjoyment of all around me. I liked the soft breezy balmy air, the mellow beech wood, the gra.s.sy turf overgrown with violets, the wild notes of the frightened wood-pigeon, the very tramp-tramp of the ma.s.sive horses, with their scarlet ta.s.sels and their jingling bells; all pleased and interested me. Not to speak of her, who, at my side, felt a very child"s delight at every novelty of the way.
"What would I have said to any one who, only a fortnight ago, had promised me such happiness as this?" said I to my companion, as we drove along, while the light branches rustled pleasantly over the roof of the carriage, darkening the shade around us, or occasionally deluging us with the leaves as we pa.s.sed.
"And are you then so very happy?" asked she, with a pleasant smile.
"Can you doubt it? or rather is it that, as the emotion does not extend to yourself, you _do_ doubt it?"
"Oh, as for me," cried she, joyfully, "it is very different. I have never travelled till now--seen nothing, actually nothing. The veriest commonplaces of the road, the peasants" costumes, their wayside cottages, the little shrines they kneel at, are all objects of picturesque interest to me, and I am ready to exclaim at each moment, "Oh! why cannot we stop here? shall we ever see anything so beautiful again as this?""
"And hearing you talk thus, you can ask me am I so very happy!" said I, reproachfully.
"What I meant was, is it not stupid to have no companion of your own turn of mind, none with whom you could talk, without condescending to a tone beneath you, just as certain stories are reduced to words of one syllable for little children?"
"Mademoiselle is given to sarcasm, I see," said I, half peevishly.
"Nothing of the kind," said she, blushing slightly. "It was in perfect good faith. I wished you a more suitable companion. Indeed, after what I had heard from his Excellency about you, I was terrified at the thought of my own insufficiency."
"And pray what _did_ he say of me?" asked I, in a flutter of delight.
"Are you very fond of flattery?"
"Immensely!"
"Is it not possible that praise of you could be so exaggerated as to make you feel ashamed?"
"I should say, perfectly impossible; that is, to a mind regulated as mine, over-elation could never happen. Tell me, therefore, what he said?"
"I can"t remember one-half of it; he remarked how few men in the career--I conclude he meant diplomacy--could compare with you; that you had such just views about the state of Europe, such an accurate appreciation of publie men. I can"t say how many opportunities you mustn"t have had, and what valuable uses you have not put them to. In a word, I felt that I was about to travel with a great statesman and a consummate man of the world, and was-terrified accordingly."
"And now that the delusion is dispelled, how do you feel?"
"But is it dispelled? Am I not shocked with my own temerity in daring to talk thus lightly with one so learned?"
"If so," said I, "you conceal your embarra.s.sment wonderfully."
And then we both laughed; but I am not quite sure it was at the same joke.
"Do you know where you are going?" said I, taking out a travelling-map as a means of diverting our conversation into some higher channel.
"Not in the least"
"Nor care?"
"Nor care."
"Well, I must say, it is a most independent frame of mind. Perhaps you could extend this fine philosophy, and add, "Nor with whom!""
I was not at all conscious of what an impertinence I had uttered till it was out; nor, indeed, even then, till I remarked that her cheek had become scarlet, and her eyes double as dark as their wont.
"Yes," said she, "there is one condition for which I should certainly stipulate,--not to travel with any one who could needlessly offend me."
I could have cried with shame; I could have held my hand in the flame of a fire to expiate my rude speech. And so I told her; while I a.s.sured her at the same time, with marvellous consistency, that it was not rude at all; that it was entirely misconception on her part; that _nous autres diplomates_--Heaven forgive me the lying a.s.sumption!--had a way of saying little smartnesses that don"t mean much; that we often made our coin ring on the table, though it turned out bad money when it came to be looked at; that Talleyrand did it, and Walewsky did it, and I did it,--we all did it!
Now, there was one most unlucky feature in all this. It was only a few minutes before this pa.s.sage occurred, that I said to myself, "Potts, here is one whose frank, fresh, generous nature claims all your respect and devotion. No nonsense of your being this, that, and t"other here. Be truthful and be honest; neither pretend to be man of fortune nor man of fashion; own fairly to her by what chance you adventured upon this strange life; tell her, in a word, you are the son of Potts,--Potts the "pothecary,--and neither a hero nor a plenipotentiary!"
I have no doubt, most amiable of readers, that nothing can seem possibly more easy than to have done all this. You deem it the natural and ordinary course; just as, foi instance, a merchant in good credit and repute would feel no repugnance to calling all his creditors together to inspect his books, and see that, though apparently solvent, he was, in truth, utterly bankrupt. And yet there is some difficulty in doing this.
Does not the law of England expressly declare that no man need criminate himself? Who accuses you, then, Potts? And then I bethought me of the worthy old alderman, who, on learning that "Robinson Crusoe" was a fiction, exclaimed, "It may be so; but I have lost the greatest pleasure of my life in hearing it." What a profound philosophy was there in that simple avowal! With what illusions are we not cheered on through life!
how unreal the joys that delight and the triumphs that elate us; for we are all hypochondriacs, and are as often cured with bread pills as with bold remedies. "Yes," thought I, "this young girl is happy in the thought that her companion is a person of rank, station, and influence; she feels a sort of self-elation in being a.s.sociated with one endowed with all worldly advantages. Shall I rob her of this illusion? Shall I rudely deprive her of what imparts a charm to her existence, and gives a sort of romantic interest to her daily life? Harsh and needless would be the cruelty!"
While I thus argued with myself, she had opened her guide-book, and was eagerly reading away about the road we were travelling. "We are to halt at Bomerstein, are we not?" asked she.
"Yes," said I, "we rest there for the night. It is one of those little villages of which a German writer has given us a striking picture."
"Auerstadt," broke she in.
"So you have read him? You read German?"
"Yes, tolerably; that is, well enough for Schiller and Uhland, but not well enough for Jean Paul and Goethe."
"Never mind; trust me for a guide; you shall now venture upon both."
"But how will you be able to give up time valuable as yours to such teachings? Would it be fair of me, besides, to steal hours that ought to be devoted to your country?"
Though I had not the slightest imaginable ground to suspect any secret sarcasm in this speech, my guilty conscience made me feel it as a perfect torture. "She knows me," thought I, "and this sneer at my pretended importance is intended to overwhelm me."
"As to my country"s claims," said I, haughtily, "I make light of them.
All that I have seen of life only shows the shallowness of what is called the public service. I am resolved to leave it, and forever."
"And for what?"
"A life of retirement,--obscurity if you will."
"It is what I should do if I were a man."
"Indeed!"
"Yes. I have often reflected over the delight I have felt in walking through some man"s demesne, revelling in the enjoyment of its leafy solitude, its dreary shade, its sunlit vistas, and I have thought, "If all these things, not one of which are mine, can bring such pleasure to my heart, why should I not adopt the same philosophy in life, and be satisfied with enjoying without possessing? A very humble lot would suffice for one, nothing but great success could achieve the other.""
"What becomes, then, of that great stimulus to good they call labor?"
"Oh, I should labor, too. I "d work at whatever I was equal to. I "d sew, and knit, and till my garden, and be as useful as possible."