As the weeks go by I recognize the difficulty of keeping the life of the Sisters and the V.A.D."s out of the circle of my thoughts. Their vigorous and symmetrical vision of the ward attacks me; their att.i.tude towards the patients, which began by offending me, ends by overtaking me.
On the whole the Sisters loathe relations. They look into the ward and see the mothers and sisters and wives camped round the beds, and go back into the bunk feeling that the ward doesn"t belong to them.
The eldest Sister said to me yesterday: "Shut the door, nurse; there"s Captain Fellows"s father. I don"t want him fussing round."
On that we discussed relations, and it seemed to me that it was inevitable that a Sister should be the only buffer between them and their pressing anxieties.
"No, a relation is the last straw.... You don"t understand!" she said.
I don"t understand, but I am not specialized.
Long ago in the Mess I said to _my_ Sister, laughing: "I would go through the four years" training just to wear that cap and cape!"
And she: "You couldn"t go through it and come out as you are...."
Mr. Wicks has set his heart on crutches.
"If you won"t try me on them I"ll buy me own and walk out of here!"
Then I realize the vanity of his threat and the completeness of his imprisonment, and hurry to suggest a new idea before he sees it too....
We set him on crutches....
He is brave. He said with anger, "I can"t stand on these, they"re too long. You go and ask for some shorter ones...."
And thus together we slurred over the fact of that pendulous, nerveless body which had hung from the crutches like an old stocking.
But all the evening he was buried in his own silence, and I suppose he was looking at the vision on the bedrail.
A boy of seventeen was brought in yesterday with pneumonia.
He was so ill that he couldn"t speak, and we put screens round his bed.
All the other patients in the ward immediately became convalescents.
I helped Sister to wash him, holding him on his side while he groaned with pain; and Sister, no longer cynical, said, "There you are Sonnie, it"s almost finished...."
When I rolled back the blanket it gave me a shock to see how young his feet were--clean and thin, with the big toe curling up and the little toes curling back.
"Will you brush my hair?" he managed to say to me, and when I had finished: "This is a pretty ward...."
It isn"t, but I am glad it seems so to him.
The boy is at his worst. Whenever we come near him he lifts his eyes and asks, "What are you going to do now?"
But to whatever we do he submits with a terrible docility.
Lying there propped on his pillow, with his small yellow face staring down the ward, he is all the centre of my thoughts; I am preoccupied with the mystery that is in his lungs.
Five days ago he was walking on his legs: five days, and he is on the edge of the world--to-night looking over the edge.
There is no sh.e.l.l, no mark, no tear.... The attack comes from within.
The others in the ward are like phantoms.
When I say to-morrow, "How is the boy?" what will they say?
The sun on the cobwebs lights them as it lights the telephone-wires above. The c.o.c.ks scream from every garden.
To-day the sky is like a pale egg-sh.e.l.l, and aeroplanes from the two aerodromes are droning round the hill.
I think from time to time, "Is he alive?"
Can one grow used to death? It is unsafe to think of this....
For if death becomes cheap it is the watcher, not the dying, who is poisoned.
His mother buys a cake every day and brings it at tea-time, saying, "For the Sisters" tea...."
It is a bribe, dumbly offered, more to be on the safe side of every bit of chance than because she really believes it can make the slightest difference.
Now that I have time to think of it, her little action hurts me, but yesterday I helped to eat it with pleasure because one is hungry and the margarine not the best.
Aches and pains....
Pains and aches....
I don"t know how to get home up the long hill....
Measles....
(Unposted.)
"DEAR SISTER,--Four more days before they will let me out of bed....
Whatever I promise to a patient in future I shall do, if I have to wear a notebook hanging on my belt.
"By which you will see that I am making discoveries!
"The quality of _expectation_ in a person lying horizontally is wrought up to a high pitch. One is always expecting something. Generally it is food; three times a day it is the post; oftener it is the performance of some promise. The things that one asks from one"s bed are so small: "Can you get me a book?" "Can you move that vase of flowers?" "When you come up next time could you bring me an envelope?"