""Swart" is good and so"s "gravid,"" said I, "but the panel doctor will be annoyed about the adenoids."
"Not half as much as Sir Thomas will about his face," said Ollyett. "And if you only knew what I"ve left out!"
He was right. The panel doctor spent his week-end (this is the advantage of Friday articles) in overwhelming us with a professional counterblast of no interest whatever to our subscribers. We told him so, and he, then and there, battered his way with it into the _Lancet_ where they are keen on glands, and forgot us altogether. But Sir Thomas Ingell was of sterner stuff. He must have spent a happy week-end too. The letter which we received from him on Monday proved him to be a kinless loon of upright life, for no woman, however remotely interested in a man would have let it pa.s.s the home wastepaper-basket. He objected to our references to his own herd, to his own labours in his own village, which he said was a Model Village, and to our infernal insolence; but he objected most to our invoice of his features. We wrote him courtously to ask whether the letter was meant for publication. He, remembering, I presume, the Duke of Wellington, wrote back, "publish and be d.a.m.ned."
"Oh! This is too easy," Ollyett said as he began heading the letter.
"Stop a minute," I said. "The game is getting a little beyond us.
To-night"s the Bat dinner." (I may have forgotten to tell you that our dinner with Bat Masquerier in the Red Amber Room of the Chop Suey had come to be a weekly affair.) "Hold it over till they"ve all seen it."
"Perhaps you"re right," he said. "You might waste it."
At dinner, then, Sir Thomas"s letter was handed round. Bat seemed to be thinking of other matters, but Pallant was very interested.
"I"ve got an idea," he said presently. "Could you put something into _The Bun_ to-morrow about foot-and-mouth disease in that fellow"s herd?"
"Oh, plague if you like," Ollyett replied. "They"re only five measly Shorthorns. I saw one lying down in the park. She"ll serve as a sub-stratum of fact."
"Then, do that; and hold the letter over meanwhile. I think _I_ come in here," said Pallant.
"Why?" said I.
"Because there"s something coming up in the House about foot-and-mouth, and because he wrote me a letter after that little affair when he fined you. "Took ten days to think it over. Here you are," said Pallant.
"House of Commons paper, you see."
We read:
DEAR PALLANT--Although in the past our paths have not lain much together, I am sure you will agree with me that on the floor of the House all members are on a footing of equality.
I make bold, therefore, to approach you in a matter which I think capable of a very different interpretation from that which perhaps was put upon it by your friends. Will you let them know that that was the case and that I was in no way swayed by animus in the exercise of my magisterial duties, which as you, as a brother magistrate, can imagine are frequently very distasteful to--Yours very sincerely,
T. INGELL.
_P.S._--I have seen to it that the motor vigilance to which your friends took exception has been considerably relaxed in my district.
"What did you answer?" said Ollyett, when all our opinions had been expressed.
"I told him I couldn"t do anything in the matter. And I couldn"t--then.
But you"ll remember to put in that foot-and-mouth paragraph. I want something to work upon."
"It seems to me _The Bun_ has done all the work up to date," I suggested. "When does _The Cake_ come in?"
"_The Cake_," said Woodhouse, and I remembered afterwards that he spoke like a Cabinet Minister on the eve of a Budget, "reserves to itself the fullest right to deal with situations as they arise."
"Ye-eh!" Bat Masquerier shook himself out of his thoughts. ""Situations as they arise." I ain"t idle either. But there"s no use fishing till the swim"s baited. You"--he turned to Ollyett--"manufacture very good ground-bait.... I always tell My people--What the deuce is that?"
There was a burst of song from another private dining-room across the landing. "It ees some ladies from the Trefoil," the waiter began.
"Oh, I know that. What are they singing, though?"
He rose and went out, to be greeted by shouts of applause from that merry company. Then there was silence, such as one hears in the form-room after a master"s entry. Then a voice that we loved began again: "Here we go gathering nuts in May--nuts in May--nuts in May!"
"It"s only "Dal--and some nuts," he explained when he returned. "She says she"s coming in to dessert." He sat down, humming the old tune to himself, and till Miss Vidal Benzaguen entered, he held us speechless with tales of the artistic temperament.
We obeyed Pallant to the extent of slipping into _The Bun_ a wary paragraph about cows lying down and dripping at the mouth, which might be read either as an unkind libel or, in the hands of a capable lawyer, as a piece of faithful nature-study.
"And besides," said Ollyett, "we allude to "gravid polled Angus." I am advised that no action can lie in respect of virgin Shorthorns. Pallant wants us to come to the House to-night. He"s got us places for the Strangers" Gallery. I"m beginning to like Pallant."
"Masquerier seems to like you," I said.
"Yes, but I"m afraid of him," Ollyett answered with perfect sincerity.
"I am. He"s the Absolutely Amoral Soul. I"ve never met one yet."
We went to the House together. It happened to be an Irish afternoon, and as soon as I had got the cries and the faces a little sorted out, I gathered there were grievances in the air, but how many of them was beyond me.
"It"s all right," said Ollyett of the trained ear. "They"ve shut their ports against--oh yes--export of Irish cattle! Foot-and-mouth disease at Ballyh.e.l.lion. _I_ see Pallant"s idea!"
The House was certainly all mouth for the moment, but, as I could feel, quite in earnest. A Minister with a piece of typewritten paper seemed to be fending off volleys of insults. He reminded me somehow of a nervous huntsman breaking up a fox in the face of rabid hounds.
"It"s question-time. They"re asking questions," said Ollyett. "Look!
Pallant"s up."
There was no mistaking it. His voice, which his enemies said was his one parliamentary a.s.set, silenced the hubbub as toothache silences mere singing in the ears. He said:
"Arising out of that, may I ask if any special consideration has recently been shown in regard to any suspected outbreak of this disease on _this_ side of the Channel?"
He raised his hand; it held a noon edition of _The Bun_. We had thought it best to drop the paragraph out of the later ones. He would have continued, but something in a grey frock-coat roared and bounded on a bench opposite, and waved another _Bun_. It was Sir Thomas Ingell.
"As the owner of the herd so dastardly implicated--" His voice was drowned in shouts of "Order!"--the Irish leading.
"What"s wrong?" I asked Ollyett. "He"s got his hat on his head, hasn"t he?"
"Yes, but his wrath should have been put as a question."
"Arising out of that, Mr. Speaker, Sirrr!" Sir Thomas bellowed through a lull, "are you aware that--that all this is a conspiracy--part of a dastardly conspiracy to make Huckley ridiculous--to make _us_ ridiculous? Part of a deep-laid plot to make _me_ ridiculous, Mr.
Speaker, Sir!"
The man"s face showed almost black against his white whiskers, and he struck out swimmingly with his arms. His vehemence puzzled and held the House for an instant, and the Speaker took advantage of it to lift his pack from Ireland to a new scent. He addressed Sir Thomas Ingell in tones of measured rebuke, meant also, I imagine, for the whole House, which lowered its hackles at the word. Then Pallant, shocked and pained: "I can only express my profound surprise that in response to my simple question the honourable member should have thought fit to indulge in a personal attack. If I have in any way offended--"
Again the Speaker intervened, for it appeared that he regulated these matters.
He, too, expressed surprise, and Sir Thomas sat back in a hush of reprobation that seemed to have the chill of the centuries behind it.
The Empire"s work was resumed.
"Beautiful!" said I, and I felt hot and cold up my back.
"And now we"ll publish his letter," said Ollyett.
We did--on the heels of his carefully reported outburst. We made no comment. With that rare instinct for grasping the heart of a situation which is the mark of the Anglo-Saxon, all our contemporaries and, I should say, two-thirds of our correspondents demanded how such a person could be made more ridiculous than he had already proved himself to be.