"To employ you at a small but reasonable salary."
I could find no words to express my dismay. My dreams had come to this, that I was to be made a clerk in a grocery store! The fact that it was a wholesale grocery store was little consolation.
"But father," I faltered, "I don"t want to go into business."
"Ah!" The sharpness of the exclamation might have betrayed to me the pain in which he was, but he recovered himself instantly. And I could see nothing but an inexorable justice closing in on me mechanically; a blind justice, in its inability to read my soul. "The time to have decided that," he declared, "was some years ago, my son. I have given you the best schooling a boy can have, and you have not shown the least appreciation of your advantages. I do not enjoy saying this, Hugh, but in spite of all my efforts and of those of your mother, you have remained undeveloped and irresponsible. My hope, as you know, was to have made you a professional man, a lawyer, and to take you into my office. My father and grandfather were professional men before me. But you are wholly lacking in ambition."
And I had burned with it all my life!
"I have ambition," I cried, the tears forcing themselves to my eyes.
"Ambition--for what, my son?"
I hesitated. How could I tell him that my longings to do something, to be somebody in the world were never more keen than at that moment?
Matthew Arnold had not then written his definition of G.o.d as the stream of tendency by which we fulfil the laws of our being; and my father, at any rate, would not have acquiesced in the definition. Dimly but pa.s.sionately I felt then, as I had always felt, that I had a mission to perform, a service to do which ultimately would be revealed to me. But the hopelessness of explaining this took on, now, the proportions of a tragedy. And I could only gaze at him.
"What kind of ambition, Hugh?" he repeated sadly.
"I--I have sometimes thought I could write, sir, if I had a chance. I like it better than anything else. I--I have tried it. And if I could only go to college--"
"Literature!" There was in his voice a scandalized note.
"Why not, father?" I asked weakly.
And now it was he who, for the first time, seemed to be at a loss to express himself. He turned in his chair, and with a sweep of the hand indicated the long rows of musty-backed volumes. "Here," he said, "you have had at your disposal as well-a.s.sorted a small library as the city contains, and you have not availed yourself of it. Yet you talk to me of literature as a profession. I am afraid, Hugh, that this is merely another indication of your desire to shun hard work, and I must tell you frankly that I fail to see in you the least qualification for such a career. You have not even inherited my taste for books. I venture to say, for instance, that you have never even read a paragraph of Plutarch, and yet when I was your age I was completely familiar with the Lives. You will not read Scott or d.i.c.kens."
The impeachment was not to be denied, for the cla.s.sics were hateful to me. Naturally I was afraid to make such a d.a.m.ning admission. My father had succeeded in presenting my ambition as the height of absurdity and presumption, and with something of the despair of a shipwrecked mariner my eyes rested on the green expanses of those book-backs, Bohn"s Standard Library! Nor did it occur to him or to me that one might be great in literature without having read so much as a gritty page of them....
He finished his argument by reminding me that worthless persons sought to enter the arts in the search for a fool"s paradise, and in order to satisfy a reprehensible craving for notoriety. The implication was clear, that imaginative production could not be cla.s.sed as hard work.
And he a.s.sured me that literature was a profession in which no one could afford to be second cla.s.s. A Longfellow, a Harriet Beecher Stowe, or nothing. This was a practical age and a practical country. We had indeed produced Irvings and Hawthornes, but the future of American letters was, to say the least, problematical. We were a utilitarian people who would never create a great literature, and he reminded me that the days of the romantic and the picturesque had pa.s.sed. He gathered that I desired to be a novelist. Well, novelists, with certain exceptions, were fantastic fellows who blew iridescent soap-bubbles and who had no morals. In the face of such a philosophy as his I was mute. The world appeared a dreary place of musty offices and smoky steel-works, of coal dust, of labour without a spark of inspiration. And that other, the world of my dreams, simply did not exist.
Incidentally my father had condemned Cousin Robert"s wholesale grocery business as a refuge of the lesser of intellect that could not achieve the professions,--an inference not calculated to stir my ambition and liking for it at the start.
I began my business career on the following Monday morning. At breakfast, held earlier than usual on my account, my mother"s sympathy was the more eloquent for being unspoken, while my father wore an air of unwonted cheerfulness; charging me, when I departed, to give his kindest remembrances to my Cousin Robert Breck. With a sense of martyrdom somehow deepened by this att.i.tude of my parents I boarded a horse-car and went down town. Early though it was, the narrow streets of the wholesale district reverberated with the rattle of trucks and echoed with the shouts of drivers. The day promised to be scorching. At the door of the warehouse of Breck and Company I was greeted by the ineffable smell of groceries in which the suggestion of parched coffee prevailed. This is the sharpest remembrance of all, and even to-day that odour affects me somewhat in the manner that the interior of a ship affects a person p.r.o.ne to seasickness. My Cousin Robert, in his well-worn alpaca coat, was already seated at his desk behind the clouded gla.s.s part.i.tion next the alley at the back of the store, and as I entered he gazed at me over his steel-rimmed spectacles with that same disturbing look of clairvoyance I have already mentioned as one of his characteristics. The grey eyes were quizzical, and yet seemed to express a little commiseration.
"Well, Hugh, you"ve decided to honour us, have you?" he asked.
"I"m much obliged for giving me the place, Cousin Robert," I replied.
But he had no use for that sort of politeness, and he saw through me, as always.
"So you"re not too tony for the grocery business, eh?"
"Oh, no, sir."
"It was good enough for old Benjamin Breck," he said. "Well, I"ll give you a fair trial, my boy, and no favouritism on account of relationship, any more than to Willie."
His strong voice resounded through the store, and presently my cousin Willie appeared in answer to his summons, the same Willie who used to lead me, on mischief bent, through the barns and woods and fields of Claremore. He was barefoot no longer, though freckled still, grown lanky and tall; he wore a coa.r.s.e blue ap.r.o.n that fell below his knees, and a pencil was stuck behind his ear.
"Get an ap.r.o.n for Hugh," said his father.
Willie"s grin grew wider.
"I"ll fit him out," he said.
"Start him in the shipping department," directed Cousin Robert, and turned to his letters.
I was forthwith provided with an ap.r.o.n, and introduced to the slim and anaemic but cheerful Johnny Hedges, the shipping clerk, hard at work in the alley. Secretly I looked down on my fellow-clerks, as one destined for a higher mission, made out of better stuff,--finer stuff. Despite my attempt to hide this sense of superiority they were swift to discover it; and perhaps it is to my credit as well as theirs that they did not resent it. Curiously enough, they seemed to acknowledge it. Before the week was out I had earned the nickname of Beau Brummel.
"Say, Beau," Johnny Hedges would ask, when I appeared of a morning, "what happened in the great world last night?"
I had an affection for them, these fellow-clerks, and I often wondered at their contentment with the drab lives they led, at their self-congratulation for "having a job" at Breck and Company"s.
"You don"t mean to say you like this kind of work?" I exclaimed one day to Johnny Hedges, as we sat on barrels of x.x.xX flour looking out at the hot sunlight in the alley.
"It ain"t a question of liking it, Beau," he rebuked me. "It"s all very well for you to talk, since your father"s a millionaire" (a fiction so firmly embedded in their heads that no amount of denial affected it), "but what do you think would happen to me if I was fired? I couldn"t go home and take it easy--you bet not. I just want to shake hands with myself when I think that I"ve got a home, and a job like this. I know a feller--a hard worker he was, too who walked the pavements for three months when the Colvers failed, and couldn"t get nothing, and took to drink, and the last I heard of him he was sleeping in police stations and walking the ties, and his wife"s a waitress at a cheap hotel. Don"t you think it"s easy to get a job."
I was momentarily sobered by the earnestness with which he brought home to me the relentlessness of our civilization. It seemed incredible. I should have learned a lesson in that store. Barring a few discordant days when the orders came in too fast or when we were short handed because of sickness, it was a veritable hive of happiness; morning after morning clerks and porters arrived, pale, yet smiling, and laboured with cheerfulness from eight o"clock until six, and departed as cheerfully for modest homes in obscure neighbourhoods that seemed to me areas of exile. They were troubled with no visions of better things. When the travelling men came in from the "road" there was great hilarity.
Important personages, these, looked up to by the city clerks; jolly, reckless, Elizabethan-like rovers, who had tasted of the wine of liberty--and of other wines with the ineradicable l.u.s.t for the road in their blood. No more routine for Jimmy Bowles, who was king of them all.
I shudder to think how much of my knowledge of life I owe to this Jimmy, whose stories would have filled a quarto volume, but could on no account have been published; for a self-respecting post-office would not have allowed them to pa.s.s through the mails. As it was, Jimmy gave them circulation enough. I can still see his round face, with the nose just indicated, his wicked, twinkling little eyes, and I can hear his husky voice fall to a whisper when "the boss" pa.s.sed through the store. Jimmy, when visiting us, always had a group around him. His audacity with women amazed me, for he never pa.s.sed one of the "lady clerks" without some form of caress, which they resented but invariably laughed at. One day he imparted to me his code of morality: he never made love to another man"s wife, so he a.s.sured me, if he knew the man! The secret of life he had discovered in laughter, and by laughter he sold quant.i.ties of Cousin Robert"s groceries.
Mr. Bowles boasted of a catholic acquaintance in all the cities of his district, but before venturing forth to conquer these he had learned his own city by heart. My Cousin Robert was not aware of the fact that Mr.
Bowles "showed" the town to certain customers. He even desired to show it to me, but an epicurean strain in my nature held me back. Johnny Hedges went with him occasionally, and Henry Schneider, the bill clerk, and I listened eagerly to their experiences, afterwards confiding them to Tom....
There were times when, driven by an overwhelming curiosity, I ventured into certain strange streets, alone, shivering with cold and excitement, gripped by a fascination I did not comprehend, my eyes now averted, now irresistibly raised toward the white streaks of light that outlined the windows of dark houses....
One winter evening as I was going home, I encountered at the mail-box a young woman who shot at me a queer, twisted smile. I stood still, as though stunned, looking after her, and when halfway across the slushy street she turned and smiled again. Prodigiously excited, I followed her, fearful that I might be seen by someone who knew me, nor was it until she reached an unfamiliar street that I ventured to overtake her.
She confounded me by facing me.
"Get out!" she cried fiercely.
I halted in my tracks, overwhelmed with shame. But she continued to regard me by the light of the street lamp.
"You didn"t want to be seen with me on Second Street, did you? You"re one of those sneaking swells."
The shock of this sudden onslaught was tremendous. I stood frozen to the spot, trembling, convicted, for I knew that her accusation was just; I had wounded her, and I had a desire to make amends.
"I"m sorry," I faltered. "I didn"t mean--to offend you. And you smiled--" I got no farther. She began to laugh, and so loudly that I glanced anxiously about. I would have fled, but something still held me, something that belied the harshness of her laugh.
"You"re just a kid," she told me. "Say, you get along home, and tell your mamma I sent you."
Whereupon I departed in a state of humiliation and self-reproach I had never before known, wandering about aimlessly for a long time. When at length I arrived at home, late for supper, my mother"s solicitude only served to deepen my pain. She went to the kitchen herself to see if my mince-pie were hot, and served me with her own hands. My father remained at his place at the head of the table while I tried to eat, smiling indulgently at her ministrations.
"Oh, a little hard work won"t hurt him, Sarah," he said. "When I was his age I often worked until eleven o"clock and never felt the worse for it.
Business must be pretty good, eh, Hugh?"
I had never seen him in a more relaxing mood, a more approving one.
My mother sat down beside me.... Words seem useless to express the complicated nature of my suffering at that moment,--my remorse, my sense of deception, of hypocrisy,--yes, and my terror. I tried to talk naturally, to answer my father"s questions about affairs at the store, while all the time my eyes rested upon the objects of the room, familiar since childhood. Here were warmth, love, and safety. Why could I not be content with them, thankful for them? What was it in me that drove me from these sheltering walls out into the dark places? I glanced at my father. Had he ever known these wild, destroying desires? Oh, if I only could have confided in him! The very idea of it was preposterous. Such placidity as theirs would never understand the nature of my temptations, and I pictured to myself their horror and despair at my revelation. In imagination I beheld their figures receding while I drifted out to sea, alone. Would the tide--which was somehow within me--carry me out and out, in spite of all I could do?