bindings and wide margins, sweetened essays, some of them written in beautiful English by dilettante authors for drawing-room consumption; and collections of short stories, no doubt chiefly bought by philanderers like myself, who were thus enabled to skate on thin ice over deep water. It was a most delightful relationship that these helped to support, and I fondly believed I could reach sh.o.r.e again whenever I chose.
There came a Sunday in early May, one of those days when the feminine a.s.sumes a large importance. I had been to the Hutchinses" church; and Maude, as she sat and prayed decorously in the pew beside me, suddenly increased in attractiveness and desirability. Her voice was very sweet, and I felt a delicious and languorous thrill which I identified not only with love, but also with a reviving spirituality. How often the two seem to go hand in hand!
She wore a dress of a filmy material, mauve, with a design in gold thread running through it. Of late, it seemed, she had had more new dresses: and their modes seemed more cosmopolitan; at least to the masculine eye. How delicately her hair grew, in little, shining wisps, around her white neck! I could have reached out my hand and touched her. And it was this desire,--although by no means overwhelming,--that startled me. Did I really want her? The consideration of this vital question occupied the whole time of the sermon; made me distrait at dinner,--a large family gathering. Later I found myself alone with heron a bench in the Hutchinses" garden where we had walked the day of my arrival, during the campaign.
The gardens were very different, now. The trees had burst forth again into leaf, the spiraea bushes seemed weighted down with snow, and with a note like that of the quivering ba.s.s string of a "cello the bees hummed among the fruit blossoms. And there beside me in her filmy dress was Maude, a part of it all--the meaning of all that set my being clamouring. She was like some ripened, delicious flower ready to be picked.... One of those pernicious, make-believe volumes had fallen on the bench between us, for I could not read any more; I could not think; I touched her hand, and when she drew it gently away I glanced at her.
Reason made a valiant but hopeless effort to a.s.sert itself. Was I sure that I wanted her--for life? No use! I wanted her now, no matter what price that future might demand. An awkward silence fell between us--awkward to me, at least--and I, her guide and mentor, became ba.n.a.l, apologetic, confused. I made some idiotic remark about being together in the Garden of Eden.
"I remember Mr. Doddridge saying in Bible cla.s.s that it was supposed to be on the Euphrates," she replied. "But it"s been destroyed by the flood."
"Let"s make another--one of our own," I suggested.
"Why, how silly you are this afternoon."
"What"s to prevent us--Maude?" I demanded, with a dry throat.
"Nonsense!" she laughed. In proportion as I lost poise she seemed to gain it.
"It"s not nonsense," I faltered. "If we were married."
At last the fateful words were p.r.o.nounced--irrevocably. And, instead of qualms, I felt nothing but relief, joy that I had been swept along by the flood of feeling. She did not look at me, but gazed straight ahead of her.
"If I love you, Maude?" I stammered, after a moment.
"But I don"t love you," she replied, steadily.
Never in my life had I been so utterly taken aback.
"Do you mean," I managed to say, "that after all these months you don"t like me a little?"
""Liking" isn"t loving." She looked me full in the face. "I like you very much."
"But--" there I stopped, paralyzed by what appeared to me the quintessence of feminine inconsistency and caprice. Yet, as I stared at her, she certainly did not appear capricious. It is not too much to say that I was fairly astounded at this evidence of self-command and decision, of the strength of mind to refuse me. Was it possible that she had felt nothing and I all? I got to my feet.
"I hate to hurt your feelings," I heard her say. "I"m very sorry."...
She looked up at me. Afterwards, when reflecting on the scene, I seemed to remember that there were tears in her eyes. I was not in a condition to appreciate her splendid sincerity. I was overwhelmed and inarticulate. I left her there, on the bench, and went back to George"s, announcing my intention of taking the five o"clock train....
Maude Hutchins had become, at a stroke, the most desirable of women.
I have often wondered how I should have felt on that five-hour journey back to the city if she had fallen into my arms! I should have persuaded myself, no doubt, that I had not done a foolish thing in yielding to an impulse and proposing to an inexperienced and provincial young woman, yet there would have been regrets in the background. Too deeply chagrined to see any humour in the situation, I settled down in a Pullman seat and went over and over again the event of that afternoon until the train reached the city.
As the days wore on, and I attended to my cases, I thought of Maude a great deal, and in those moments when the pressure of business was relaxed, she obsessed me. She must love me,--only she did not realize it. That was the secret! Her value had risen amazingly, become supreme; the very act of refusing me had emphasized her qualifications as a wife, and I now desired her with all the intensity of a nature which had been permitted always to achieve its objects. The inevitable process of idealization began. In dusty offices I recalled her freshness as she had sat beside me in the garden,--the freshness of a flower; with Berkeleyan subjectivism I clothed the flower with colour, bestowed it with fragrance. I conferred on Maude all the gifts and graces that woman had possessed since the creation. And I recalled, with mingled bitterness and tenderness, the turn of her head, the down on her neck, the half-revealed curve of her arm.... In spite of the growing sordidness of Lyme Street, my mother and I still lived in the old house, for which she very naturally had a sentiment. In vain I had urged her from time to time to move out into a brighter and fresher neighbourhood. It would be time enough, she said, when I was married.
"If you wait for that, mother," I answered, "we shall spend the rest of our lives here."
"I shall spend the rest of my life here," she would declare. "But you--you have your life before you, my dear. You would be so much more contented if--if you could find some nice girl. I think you live--too feverishly."
I do not know whether or not she suspected me of being in love, nor indeed how much she read of me in other ways. I did not confide in her, nor did it strike me that she might have yearned for confidences; though sometimes, when I dined at home, I surprised her gentle face--framed now with white hair--lifted wistfully toward me across the table.
Our relationship, indeed, was a pathetic projection of that which had existed in my childhood; we had never been confidants then. The world in which I lived and fought, of great transactions and merciless consequences frightened her; her own world was more limited than ever.
She heard disquieting things, I am sure, from Cousin Robert Breck, who had become more and more querulous since the time-honoured firm of Breck and Company had been forced to close its doors and the home at Claremore had been sold. My mother often spent the day in the scrolled suburban cottage with the coloured gla.s.s front door where he lived with the Kinleys and Helen....
If my mother suspected that I was antic.i.p.ating marriage, and said nothing, Nancy Durrett suspected and spoke out.
Life is such a curious succession of contradictions and surprises that I record here without comment the fact that I was seeing much more of Nancy since her marriage than I had in the years preceding it. A comradeship existed between us. I often dined at her house and had fallen into the habit of stopping there frequently on my way home in the evening. Ham did not seem to mind. What was clear, at any rate, was that Nancy, before marriage, had exacted some sort of an understanding by which her "freedom" was not to be interfered with. She was the first among us of the "modern wives."
Ham, whose heartstrings and purse-strings were oddly intertwined, had stipulated that they were to occupy the old Durrett mansion; but when Nancy had made it "livable," as she expressed it, he is said to have remarked that he might as well have built a new house and been done with it. Not even old Nathaniel himself would have recognized his home when Nancy finished what she termed furnishing: out went the horsehair, the hideous chandeliers, the stuffy books, the Recamier statuary, and an army of upholsterers, wood-workers, etc., from Boston and New York invaded the place. The old mahogany doors were spared, but matched now by Chippendale and Sheraton; the new, polished floors were covered with Oriental rugs, the dreary Durrett pictures replaced by good canvases and tapestries. Nancy had what amounted to a genius for interior effects, and she was the first to introduce among us the luxury that was to grow more and more prevalent as our wealth increased by leaps and bounds.
Only Nancy"s luxury, though lavish, was never vulgar, and her house when completed had rather marvellously the fine distinction of some old London mansion filled with the best that generations could contribute.
It left Mrs. Frederick Grierson--whose residence on the Heights had hitherto been our "grandest"--breathless with despair.
With characteristic audacity Nancy had chosen old Nathaniel"s sanctum for her particular salon, into which Ham himself did not dare to venture without invitation. It was hung in Pompeiian red and had a little wrought-iron balcony projecting over the yard, now transformed by an expert into a garden. When I had first entered this room after the metamorphosis had taken place I inquired after the tombstone mantel.
"Oh, I"ve pulled it up by the roots," she said.
"Aren"t you afraid of ghosts?" I inquired.
"Do I look it?" she asked. And I confessed that she didn"t. Indeed, all ghosts were laid, nor was there about her the slightest evidence of mourning or regret. One was forced to acknowledge her perfection in the part she had chosen as the arbitress of social honours. The candidates were rapidly increasing; almost every month, it seemed, someone turned up with a fortune and the aspirations that go with it, and it was Mrs.
Durrett who decided the delicate question of fitness. With these, and with the world at large, her manner might best be described as difficult; and I was often amused at the way in which she contrived to keep them at arm"s length and make them uncomfortable. With her intimates--of whom there were few--she was frank.
"I suppose you enjoy it," I said to her once.
"Of course I enjoy it, or I shouldn"t do it," she retorted. "It isn"t the real thing, as I told you once. But none of us gets the real thing.
It"s power.... Just as you enjoy what you"re doing--sorting out the unfit. It"s a game, it keeps us from brooding over things we can"t help.
And after all, when we have good appet.i.tes and are fairly happy, why should we complain?"
"I"m not complaining," I said, taking up a cigarette, "since I still enjoy your favour."
She regarded me curiously.
"And when you get married, Hugh?"
"Sufficient unto the day," I replied.
"How shall I get along, I wonder, with that simple and unsophisticated lady when she appears?"
"Well," I said, "you wouldn"t marry me."
She shook her head at me, and smiled....
"No," she corrected me, "you like me better as Hams" wife than you would have as your own."
I merely laughed at this remark.... It would indeed have been difficult to a.n.a.lyze the new relationship that had sprung up between us, to say what elements composed it. The roots of it went back to the beginning of our lives; and there was much of sentiment in it, no doubt. She understood me as no one else in the world understood me, and she was fond of me in spite of it.
Hence, when I became infatuated with Maude Hutchins, after that Sunday when she so unexpectedly had refused me, I might have known that Nancy"s suspicions would be aroused. She startled me by accusing me, out of a clear sky, of being in love. I denied it a little too emphatically.
"Why shouldn"t you tell me, Hugh, if it"s so?" she asked. "I didn"t hesitate to tell you."
It was just before her departure for the East to spend the summer. We were on the balcony, shaded by the big maple that grew at the end of the garden.
"But there"s nothing to tell," I insisted.