Though somewhat perturbed, I was struck by the phrase. And I lost sight of Nancy"s generosity. She looked me full in the face.
"I wonder whether you can rise to her," she said. "If I were you, I should try. You will be happier--far happier than if you attempt to use her for your own ends, as a contributor to your comfort and an auxiliary to your career. I was afraid--I confess it--that you had married an aspiring, simpering and empty-headed provincial like that Mrs. George Hutchins" whom I met once, and who would sell her soul to be at my table. Well, you escaped that, and you may thank G.o.d for it. You"ve got a chance, think it over.
"A chance!" I repeated, though I gathered something of her meaning.
"Think it over, said Nancy again. And she smiled.
"But--do you want me to bury myself in domesticity?" I demanded, without grasping the significance of my words.
"You"ll find her reasonable, I think. You"ve got a chance now, Hugh.
Don"t spoil it."
She turned to Leonard d.i.c.kinson, who sat on her other side....
When we got home I tried to conceal my anxiety as to Maude"s impressions of the evening. I lit a cigarette, and remarked that the dinner had been a success.
"Do you know what I"ve been wondering all evening?" Maude asked. "Why you didn"t marry Nancy instead of me."
"Well," I replied, "it just didn"t come off. And Nancy was telling me at dinner how fortunate I was to have married you."
Maude pa.s.sed this.
"I can"t see why she accepted Hambleton Durrett. It seems horrible that such a woman as she is could have married--just for money.
"Nancy has an odd streak in her," I said. "But then we all have odd streaks. She"s the best friend in the world, when she is your friend."
"I"m sure of it," Maude agreed, with a little note of penitence.
"You enjoyed it," I ventured cautiously.
"Oh, yes," she agreed. "And everyone was so nice to me--for your sake of course."
"Don"t be ridiculous!" I said. "I shan"t tell you what Nancy and the others said about you."
Maude had the gift of silence.
"What a beautiful house!" she sighed presently. "I know you"ll think me silly, but so much luxury as that frightens me a little. In England, in those places we saw, it seemed natural enough, but in America--! And they all your friends--seem to take it as a matter of course."
"There"s no reason why we shouldn"t have beautiful things and well served dinners, too, if we have the money to pay for them."
"I suppose not," she agreed, absently.
XV.
That winter many other entertainments were given in our honour. But the conviction grew upon me that Maude had no real liking for the social side of life, that she acquiesced in it only on my account. Thus, at the very outset of our married career, an irritant developed: signs of it, indeed, were apparent from the first, when we were preparing the house we had rented for occupancy. Hurrying away from my office at odd times to furniture and department stores to help decide such momentous questions as curtains, carpets, chairs and tables I would often spy the tall, uncompromising figure of Susan Peters standing beside Maude"s, while an obliging clerk spread out, anxiously, rugs or wall-papers for their inspection.
"Why don"t you get Nancy to help you, too!" I ventured to ask her once.
"Ours is such a little house--compared to Nancy"s, Hugh."
My att.i.tude towards Susan had hitherto remained undefined. She was Tom"s wife and Tom"s affair. In spite of her marked disapproval of the modern trend in business and social life,--a prejudice she had communicated to Tom, as a bachelor I had not disliked her; and it was certain that these views had not mitigated Tom"s loyalty and affection for me. Susan had been my friend, as had her brother Perry, and Lucia, Perry"s wife: they made no secret of the fact that they deplored in me what they were pleased to call plutocratic obsessions, nor had their disapproval always been confined to badinage. Nancy, too, they looked upon as a renegade.
I was able to bear their reproaches with the superior good nature that springs from success, to point out why the American tradition to which they so fatuously clung was a things of the past. The habit of taking dinner with them at least once a week had continued, and their arguments rather amused me. If they chose to dwell in a backwater out of touch with the current of great affairs, this was a matter to be deplored, but I did not feel strongly enough to resent it. So long as I remained a bachelor the relationship had not troubled me, but now that I was married I began to consider with some alarm its power to affect my welfare.
It had remained for Nancy to inform me that I had married a woman with a mind of her own. I had flattered myself that I should be able to control Maude, to govern her predilections, and now at the very beginning of our married life she was showing a disquieting tendency to choose for herself. To be sure, she had found my intimacy with the Peterses and Blackwoods already formed; but it was an intimacy from which I was growing away. I should not have quarrelled with her if she had not discriminated: Nancy made overtures, and Maude drew back; Susan presented herself, and with annoying perversity and in an extraordinarily brief time Maude had become her intimate. It seemed to me that she was always at Susan"s, lunching or playing with the children, who grew devoted to her; or with Susan, choosing carpets and clothes; while more and more frequently we dined with the Peterses and the Blackwoods, or they with us. With Perry"s wife Maude was scarcely less intimate than with Susan. This was the more surprising to me since Lucia Blackwood was a dyed-in-the-wool "intellectual," a graduate of Radcliffe, the daughter of a Harvard professor. Perry had fallen in love with her during her visit to Susan. Lucia was, perhaps, the most influential of the group; she scorned the world, she held strong views on the higher education of women; she had long discarded orthodoxy for what may be called a Cambridge stoicism of simple living and high thinking; while Maude was a strict Presbyterian, and not in the least given to theories. When, some months after our homecoming, I ventured to warn her gently of the dangers of confining one"s self to a coterie--especially one of such narrow views--her answer was rather bewildering.
"But isn"t Tom your best friend?" she asked.
I admitted that he was.
"And you always went there such a lot before we were married."
This, too, was undeniable. "At the same time," I replied, "I have other friends. I"m fond of the Blackwoods and the Peterses, I"m not advocating seeing less of them, but their point of view, if taken without any antidote, is rather narrowing. We ought to see all kinds," I suggested, with a fine restraint.
"You mean--more worldly people," she said with her disconcerting directness.
"Not necessarily worldly," I struggled on. "People who know more of the world--yes, who understand it better."
Maude sighed.
"I do try, Hugh,--I return their calls,--I do try to be nice to them.
But somehow I don"t seem to get along with them easily--I"m not myself, they make me shy. It"s because I"m provincial."
"Nonsense!" I protested, "you"re not a bit provincial." And it was true; her dignity and self-possession redeemed her.
Nancy was not once mentioned. But I think she was in both our minds....
Since my marriage, too, I had begun to resent a little the att.i.tude of Tom and Susan and the Blackwoods of humorous yet affectionate tolerance toward my professional activities and financial creed, though Maude showed no disposition to take this seriously. I did suspect, however, that they were more and more determined to rescue Maude from what they would have termed a frivolous career; and on one of these occasions--so exasperating in married life when a slight cause for pique tempts husband or wife to try to ask myself whether this affair were only a squall, something to be looked for once in a while on the seas of matrimony, and weathered: or whether Maude had not, after all, been right when she declared that I had made a mistake, and that we were not fitted for one another? In this gloomy view endless years of incompatibility stretched ahead; and for the first time I began to rehea.r.s.e with a certain cold detachment the chain of apparently accidental events which had led up to my marriage: to consider the gradual blindness that had come over my faculties; and finally to wonder whether judgment ever entered into s.e.xual selection. Would Maude have relapsed into this senseless fit if she had realized how fortunate she was? For I was prepared to give her what thousands of women longed for, position and influence. My resentment rose again against Perry and Tom, and I began to attribute their lack of appreciation of my achievements to jealousy. They had not my ability; this was the long and short of it.... I pondered also, regretfully, on my bachelor days. And for the first time, I, who had worked so hard to achieve freedom, felt the pressure of the yoke I had fitted over my own shoulders. I had voluntarily, though unwittingly, returned to slavery. This was what had happened. And what was to be done about it? I would not consider divorce.
Well, I should have to make the best of it. Whether this conclusion brought on a mood of reaction, I am unable to say. I was still annoyed by what seemed to the masculine mind a senseless and dramatic performance on Maude"s part, an incomprehensible case of "nerves."
Nevertheless, there stole into my mind many recollections of Maude"s affection, many pa.s.sages between us; and my eye chanced to fall on the ink-well she had bought me out of the allowance I gave her. An unantic.i.p.ated pity welled up within me for her loneliness, her despair in that room upstairs. I got up--and hesitated. A counteracting, inhibiting wave pa.s.sed through me. I hardened. I began to walk up and down, a prey to conflicting impulses. Something whispered, "go to her"; another voice added, "for your own peace of mind, at any rate." I rejected the intrusion of this motive as unworthy, turned out the light and groped my way upstairs. The big clock in the hall struck twelve.
I listened outside the door of the bedroom, but all was silent within. I knocked.
"Maude!" I said, in a low voice.
There was no response.
"Maude--let me in! I didn"t mean to be unkind--I"m sorry."
After an interval I heard her say: "I"d rather stay here,--to-night."
But at length, after more entreaty and self-abas.e.m.e.nt on my part, she opened the door. The room was dark. We sat down together on the window-seat, and all at once she relaxed and her head fell on my shoulder, and she began weeping again. I held her, the alternating moods still running through me.
"Hugh," she said at length, "how could you be so cruel? when you know I love you and would do anything for you."
"I didn"t mean to be cruel, Maude," I answered.