"It wasn"t that I didn"t appreciate her," I interrupted, surprised that Nancy should have recalled this, "she isn"t the woman for me, we aren"t made for each other. It was my mistake, my fault, I admit, but I don"t agree with you at all, that we had anything to do with her decision. It is just the--the culmination of a long period of incompatibility. She has come to realize that she has only one life to live, and she seems happier, more composed, more herself than she has ever been since our marriage. Of course I don"t mean to say it isn"t painful for her....
But I am sure she isn"t well, that it isn"t because of our seeing one another," I concluded haltingly.
"She is finer than either of us, Hugh,--far finer."
I did not relish this statement.
"She"s fine, I admit. But I can"t see how under the circ.u.mstances any of us could have acted differently." And Nancy not replying, I continued: "She has made up her mind to go,--I suppose I could prevent it by taking extreme measures,--but what good would it do? Isn"t it, after all, the most sensible, the only way out of a situation that has become impossible? Times have changed, Nancy, and you yourself have been the first to admit it. Marriage is no longer what it was, and people are coming to look upon it more sensibly. In order to perpetuate the inst.i.tution, as it was, segregation, insulation, was the only course.
Men segregated their wives, women their husbands,--the only logical method of procedure, but it limited the individual. Our mothers and fathers thought it scandalous if husband or wife paid visits alone. It wasn"t done. But our modern life has changed all that. A marriage, to be a marriage, should be proof against disturbing influences, should leave the individuals free; the binding element should be love, not the force of an imposed authority. You seemed to agree to all this."
"Yes, I know," she admitted. "But I cannot think that happiness will ever grow out of unhappiness."
"But Maude will not be unhappy," I insisted. "She will be happier, far happier, now that she has taken the step."
"Oh, I wish I thought so," Nancy exclaimed. "Hugh, you always believe what you want to believe. And the children. How can you bear to part with them?"
I was torn, I had a miserable sense of inadequacy.
"I shall miss them," I said. "I have never really appreciated them. I admit I don"t deserve to have them, and I am willing to give them up for you, for Maude..."
We had made one of our favourite drives among the hills on the far side of the Ashuela, and at six were back at Nancy"s house. I did not go in, but walked slowly homeward up Grant Avenue. It had been a trying afternoon. I had not expected, indeed, that Nancy would have rejoiced, but her att.i.tude, her silences, betraying, as they did, compunctions, seemed to threaten our future happiness.
XXII.
One evening two or three days later I returned from the office to gaze up at my house, to realize suddenly that it would be impossible for me to live there, in those great, empty rooms, alone; and I told Maude that I would go to the Club--during her absence. I preferred to keep up the fiction that her trip would only be temporary. She forbore from contradicting me, devoting herself efficiently to the task of closing the house, making it seem, somehow, a rite,--the final rite in her capacity as housewife. The drawing-room was shrouded, and the library; the books wrapped neatly in paper; a smell of camphor pervaded the place; the cheerful schoolroom was dismantled; trunks and travelling bags appeared. The solemn butler packed my clothes, and I arranged for a room at the Club in the wing that recently had been added for the accommodation of bachelors and deserted husbands. One of the ironies of those days was that the children began to suggest again possibilities of happiness I had missed--especially Matthew. With all his gentleness, the boy seemed to have a precocious understanding of the verities, and the capacity for suffering which as a child I had possessed. But he had more self-control. Though he looked forward to the prospect of new scenes and experiences with the antic.i.p.ation natural to his temperament, I thought he betrayed at moments a certain intuition as to what was going on.
"When are you coming over, father?" he asked once. "How soon will your business let you?"
He had been brought up in the belief that my business was a tyrant.
"Oh, soon, Matthew,--sometime soon," I said.
I had a feeling that he understood me, not intellectually, but emotionally. What a companion he might have been!... Moreton and Biddy moved me less. They were more robust, more normal, less introspective and imaginative; Europe meant nothing to them, but they were frankly delighted and excited at the prospect of going on the ocean, asking dozens of questions about the great ship, impatient to embark.....
"I shan"t need all that, Hugh," Maude said, when I handed her a letter of credit. "I--I intend to live quite simply, and my chief expenses will be the children"s education. I am going to give them the best, of course."
"Of course," I replied. "But I want you to live over there as you have been accustomed to live here. It"s not exactly generosity on my part,--I have enough, and more than enough."
She took the letter.
"Another thing--I"d rather you didn"t go to New York with us, Hugh. I know you are busy--"
"Of course I"m going," I started to protest.
"No," she went on, firmly. "I"d rather you didn"t. The hotel people will put me on the steamer very comfortably,--and there are other reasons why I do not wish it." I did not insist.... On the afternoon of her departure, when I came uptown, I found her pinning some roses on her jacket.
"Perry and Lucia sent them," she informed me. She maintained the friendly, impersonal manner to the very end; but my soul, as we drove to the train, was full of un-probed wounds. I had had roses put in her compartments in the car; Tom and Susan Peters were there with more roses, and little presents for the children. Their cheerfulness seemed forced, and I wondered whether they suspected that Maude"s absence would be prolonged.
"Write us often, and tell us all about it, dear," said Susan, as she sat beside Maude and held her hand; Tom had Biddy on his knee. Maude was pale, but smiling and composed.
"I hope to get a little villa in France, near the sea," she said. "I"ll send you a photograph of it, Susan."
"And Chickabiddy, when she comes back, will be rattling off French like a native," exclaimed Tom, giving her a hug.
"I hate French," said Biddy, and she looked at him solemnly. "I wish you were coming along, Uncle Tom."
Bells resounded through the great station. The porter warned us off. I kissed the children one by one, scarcely realizing what I was doing. I kissed Maude. She received my embrace pa.s.sively.
"Good-bye, Hugh," she said.
I alighted, and stood on the platform as the train pulled out. The children crowded to the windows, but Maude did not appear.... I found myself walking with Tom and Susan past hurrying travellers and porters to the Decatur Street entrance, where my automobile stood waiting.
"I"ll take you home, Susan," I said.
"We"re ever so much obliged, Hugh," she answered, "but the street-cars go almost to ferry"s door. We"re dining there."
Her eyes were filled with tears, and she seemed taller, more ungainly than ever--older. A sudden impression of her greatness of heart was borne home to me, and I grasped the value of such rugged friendship as hers--as Tom"s.
"We shouldn"t know how to behave in an automobile," he said, as though to soften her refusal. And I stood watching their receding figures as they walked out into the street and hailed the huge electric car that came to a stop beyond them. Above its windows was painted "The Ashuela Traction Company," a label reminiscent of my professional activities.
Then I heard the chauffeur ask:--"Where do you wish to go, sir?"
"To the Club," I said.
My room was ready, my personal belongings, my clothes had been laid out, my photographs were on the dressing-table. I took up, mechanically, the evening newspaper, but I could not read it; I thought of Maude, of the children, memories flowed in upon me,--a flood not to be dammed....
Presently the club valet knocked at my door. He had a dinner card.
"Will you be dining here, sir?" he inquired.
I went downstairs. Fred Grierson was the only man in the dining-room.
"h.e.l.lo, Hugh," he said, "come and sit down. I hear your wife"s gone abroad."
"Yes," I answered, "she thought she"d try it instead of the South Sh.o.r.e this summer."
Perhaps I imagined that he looked at me queerly. I had made a great deal of money out of my a.s.sociation with Grierson, I had valued very highly being an important member of the group to which he belonged; but to-night, as I watched him eating and drinking greedily, I hated him even as I hated myself. And after dinner, when he started talking with a ridicule that was a thinly disguised bitterness about the Citizens Union and their preparations for a campaign I left him and went to bed.
Before a week had pa.s.sed my painful emotions had largely subsided, and with my accustomed resiliency I had regained the feeling of self-respect so essential to my happiness. I was free. My only anxiety was for Nancy, who had gone to New York the day after my last talk with her; and it was only by telephoning to her house that I discovered when she was expected to return.... I found her sitting beside one of the open French windows of her salon, gazing across at the wooded hills beyond the Ashuela. She was serious, a little pale; more exquisite, more desirable than ever; but her manner implied the pressure of control, and her voice was not quite steady as she greeted me.
"You"ve been away a long time," I said.
"The dressmakers," she answered. Her colour rose a little. "I thought they"d never get through."
"But why didn"t you drop me a line, let me know when you were coming?"
I asked, taking a chair beside her, and laying my hand on hers. She drew it gently away.
"What"s the matter?" I asked.