"As for this Sir Basil," Imogen went on, "I used to wonder if he were another of these triflers with the sanct.i.ty of love, and of late I"ve wondered more. He writes to her constantly. What can the bond between mama and a man of that type be unless it"s a sentimental one? And didn"t you see her blush to-day?"
Jack now raised his eyes to her and she saw that he, at all events, was blushing. "I can"t bear to hear you talk like this, Imogen," he said.
Imogen"s own cheeks flamed at the implied reproach. "Do you mean that I must lock everything, everything I have to suffer, into my own heart? I thought that to you, Jack, I could say anything."
"Of course, of course, dear. Only don"t _think_ in this way."
"I accuse her of nothing but accepting this sort of homage."
"I know; of course,--only not even to me. They are friends. We have no right to spy upon them; it"s almost as if you had laid a trap for her and then pointed her out to me in it. Oh, I know that you didn"t mean it so."
"Spy on her! I only wanted to know!"
"But your tone was, well, rather offensively--humorous."
"Can you feel that a friendship to be taken seriously? The very kindest thing is to treat it lightly, humorously, as I did. She ought to be laughed out of tolerating such an unbecoming relationship. A woman of her age ought not to be able to blush like that."
Looking down again, still with his deep flush, Jack said, "Really, Imogen, I think that you take too much upon yourself."
Imogen felt her cheeks whiten. She fixed her eyes hard on his downcast face.
"It will be the last touch to all I have to bear, Jack, if mama brings a misunderstanding between you and me. If you can feel it fitting, appropriate, that a widow of barely four months should encourage the infatuation of a stupid old Englishman, then I have no more to say. We have different conceptions of right and wrong, that is all." Imogen"s lips trembled slightly in p.r.o.nouncing the words.
"I should agree with you if that were the case, Imogen. I don"t believe that it is."
"Very well. Wait and see if it isn"t the case," said Imogen.
It was Jack who broached another subject, asking her about some concerts she had gone to recently; but, turned from him again and looking out into the evening, her answers were so vague and chill, that presently, casting a glance half mournful and half alarmed upon her, he bade her good-by and left her.
Imogen stood looking out unseeingly, a sense of indignation and of fear weighing upon her. Jack had never before left her like this. But she could not yield to the impulse to call out to him, run after him, beg him not to go with a misunderstanding unresolved between them, for she was right and he was wrong. She had told him to wait and see if it wasn"t the case, what she had said; and now they must wait. She believed that it was the case, and the thought filled her with a sense of personal humiliation.
Since her summing up of the situation in the library, not three months ago, that first quiet sense of mastery had been much shaken, and now for weeks there had been with her constantly a strange gliding of new realizations.
This one seemed the last touch to her mother"s wrongness--a wrongness that had threatened nothing, had crushed down on nothing, and that yet pervaded more and more the whole of life--that she should bring back to her old deserted home not a touch of penitence and the incense of absurd devotions.
Friends of that sort, middle-aged, dull Englishmen, didn"t, Imogen had wisely surmised, write to one every week. It wasn"t as if they had uniting interests to bind them. Even a literary, a political, a philanthropic, correspondence Imogen would have felt as something of an affront to her father"s memory, now, at this time; such links with the life that had always been a sore upon their family dignity should have been laid aside while the official mourning lasted, so to speak. But Sir Basil, she felt sure, had no mitigating interests to write about, and the large, square envelope that lay so often on the hall-table seemed to her like a pert, placid face gazing in at the house of mourning. To-day, yes, she had wanted to know, to see, and suspicions and resentments from dim had become keen.
And now, to complete it all, Jack did not understand. Jack thought her unfair, unkind. He had left her with that unresolved discord between them.
A sense of bereavement, foreboding, and desolation filled her heart. On the table beside her stood a tall vase of lilies that he had sent her, and as she stood, thinking sad and bitter thoughts, she pa.s.sed her hand over them from time to time, bending her face to them, till, suddenly, the tears rose and fell and, closing her eyes, holding the flowers against her cheek, she began to cry.
That was what she had meant to be like, the pure, sweet aroma of these flowers, filling all the lives about her with a spiritual fragrance. She did so want to be good and lovely, to make goodness and loveliness grow about her. It was hard, hard, when that was what she wanted--all that she wanted--to receive these buffets from loved hands, to see loved eyes look at her with trouble and severity. It was nothing, indeed,--it was, indeed, only to be expected,--that her mother should not recognize the spiritual fragrance; that Jack should be so insensible to it pierced her. And feeling herself alone in a blind and hostile world, she sobbed and sobbed, finding a sad relief in tears. She was able to think, while she wept, that though it was a relief she mustn"t let it become a weakness; mustn"t let herself slide into the danger of allowing grief and desolation to blur outlines for her. That others were blind mustn"t blind her; that others did not see her as good and lovely must not make her, with cowardly complaisance, forswear her own clear consciousness of right. She was thinking this, and her sobs were becoming a little quieter, when her mother, now in her evening tea-gown, came back into the room.
Imogen was not displeased that her grief should have this particular witness. Besides all the deep, unspoken wrongs, her mother must be conscious of smaller wrongs against her this afternoon, must know that she had--well--tried to put her, as it were, in her place, first about the letter and then about Mrs. Wake"s lack of aristocratic instinct. She must know this and must know that Imogen knew it. These were trivial matters, not to be recognized between them; and how completely indifferent they were to her her present grief would demonstrate. Such tears fell only for great sorrows. Holding the flowers to her cheek, she wept on, turning her face away. She knew that her mother had paused, startled, at a loss; and, gravely, without one word, she intended, in a moment, unless her mother should think it becoming to withdraw, to leave the room, still weeping. But she had not time to carry this resolution into effect. Suddenly, and much to her dismay, she felt her mother"s arms around her, while her mother"s voice, alarmed, tender, tearful, came to her: "Poor darling, my poor darling, what is it? Please tell me."
Physical demonstrations were never pleasing to Imogen, who, indeed, disliked being touched; and now, though she submitted to having her head drawn down to her mother"s shoulder, she could not feel that the physical contact in any way bridged the chasm between them. She felt, presently, from her mother"s inarticulate murmurs of compunction and pity, that this was, apparently, what she had hoped for. It was evidently with difficulty, before her child"s unresponsive silence, that she found words.
"Is it anything that I"ve done?" she questioned. "Have I seemed cross this afternoon? I _was_ a little cross, I know. Do forgive me, dear."
Enveloped as she was in her mother"s arms, so near that she could feel the warmth and smoothness of her shoulder through the fine texture of her gown, so near that a fresh fragrance, like that from a bank of violets, seemed to breathe upon her, Imogen found it a little difficult to control the discomfort that the contact aroused in her. "Of course I forgive you, dear mama," she said, in a voice that had regained its composure. "But, oh no!--it was not at all for that--I hardly noticed it. It"s nothing that you can help, dear."
"But I can"t bear to have you cry and not know what"s the matter."
"Your knowing wouldn"t help me, would it?" said Imogen, with a faint smile, lifting her hand to press her handkerchief to her eyes.
"No, of course not; but it would help _me_--for my sake, then."
"Then, if it helps you, it was papa I was thinking of. I miss him so." And with the words, that placed before her suddenly a picture of her own desolation, a great sob again shook her. "I"m so lonely now, so lonely."
Her mother held her, not speaking, though Imogen now felt that she, too, wept, and a greater bitterness rose in her at the thought that it was not for her dead father that the tears fell but in pure weak sympathy and helplessness. She, herself, was the only lonely one. She alone, remembered.
She alone longed for him. In this sharpened realization of her own sorrow she forgot that it had not been the actual cause of her grief.
"Poor darling; poor child," her mother said at last. "Imogen, I know that I"ve failed, in so much. But I want so to make up for things, if I can; to be near you; to fill the loneliness a little; to have you love me, too, with time."
"Love you, my dear mother? Why, I am full of love for you. Haven"t you felt that?" Imogen drew herself away to look her grieved wonder into her mother"s eyes. "Oh, mama, how little you know me!"
Valerie, flushed, the tears on her cheeks, oddly shaken from her usual serenity, still clasped her daughter"s hands and still spoke on. "I know, I know,--but it"s not in the way it ought to be. It"s not your fault, Imogen; it"s mine; it must be the mother"s fault if she can"t make herself needed.
Only you can"t know how it all began, from so far back--that sense that you didn"t need me. But I shirked; I know that I shirked. Things seemed too hard for me--I didn"t know how to bear them. Perhaps you might have come almost to hate me, if I had stayed, as things were. I"m not making any appeal. I"m not trying to force anything. But I so want you to know how I long to have my chance--to begin all over again. I so want you to help."
Imogen, troubled and confused by her mother"s soft yet almost pa.s.sionate eagerness, that seemed to pull her down to some childish, inferior place, just as her mother"s arms had drawn down her head to an att.i.tude incongruous with its own benignant loftiness, had yet been able, while she spoke, to gather her thoughts into a keen, moral concentration upon her actual words. She was accustomed, in moments of moral stress, to a quick lifting of her heart and mind for help and insight toward the highest that she knew, and she felt herself pray now, "Help me to be true, to her, for her." The prayer seemed to raise her from some threatened abas.e.m.e.nt, and from her regained height she spoke with a sense of a.s.sured revelation.
"We can"t have things by merely _wanting_, them. To gain anything we must _work_ for it. You left us. We didn"t shut you out. You were different.--You _are_ different."
But her mother"s vehemence was still too great to be thrown back by salutary truths.
"Yes; that"s just it; we were different. It was that that seemed to shut me out. You were with him--against me. And I"m not asking for any change in you; I don"t think that I expect any change in myself,--I am not asking for any place in your heart that is his, dear child; I know that that can"t be, should not be. But people can be different, and yet near. They can be different and yet love each other very much. That"s all I want--that you should see how I care for you and trust me."
"I do trust you, darling mama. I do see that you are warm-hearted, full of kind impulses. But I think that your life is confused, uncertain of any goal. If you are to be near me in the way you crave, you must change. And we _can_, dear, with faith and effort. When you have found yourself, found a goal, I shall feel you near."
"Ah, but don"t be so over-logical, dear child. You"re my goal!" Valerie smiled and appealed at once.
Imogen, though smiling gravely too, shook her head. "I"m afraid that I"m only your last toy, mama darling. You have come over here to see if you can make me happy, just as if you were refurnishing a house. But, you see, my happiness doesn"t depend on you."
"You are hard on me, Imogen."
"No; no; I mean to be so gentle. It"s such a dangerous view of life--that centering it on some one else, making them an end. I feel so differently about life. I think that our love for others is only sound and true when it helps them to power of service to some shared ideal. Your love for me isn"t like that. It"s only an instinctive craving. Forgive me if I seem ruthless.
I only want to help you to see clearly, dear."
Valerie, still holding her daughter"s hands, looked away from her and around the room with a glance at once vague and a little wild.
"I don"t know what to say to you," she murmured. "You make all that I mean wither." She was sad; her ardor had dropped from her. She was not at all convicted of error; indeed, she was trying, so it seemed, to convict her, Imogen, of one.
Imogen felt a cold resistance rising within her to meet this misinterpretation. "On the contrary, dear," she said, "it is just the poetry, the reality of life, in all its stern glory,--because it is and must be stern if it is to be spiritual,--it is just that, it seems to me, that you are trying to reduce to a sort of pretty, facile lyric."
Valerie still held the girl"s hands very tightly, as though grasping hard some dying hope. And looking down upon the ground she stood silent for some moments. Presently she said, not raising her eyes, "I have won no right, I suppose, to be seen more significantly by you. Only, I want you to understand that I don"t see myself like that."
Again Imogen felt the unpleasant sensation of being made to seem young and inexperienced. Her mother"s very quiet before exhortation; her sad relapse into grave kindliness, a kindliness, too, not without its touch of severity, showed that she possessed, or thought that she possessed, some inner a.s.surance for which Imogen could find no ground. In answering her she grasped at all her own.
"I"m very sure you don"t," she said, "for I don"t for one moment misjudge your sincerity. And what I want you to believe, my dear mother, is that I long for the time when any strength and insight I may have gained through my long fight, by _his_ side, may be of use to you. _Trust_ your own best vision of yourself and it will some day realize itself. I will trust it too, indeed, indeed, I will. We must grow if we keep a vision,"
Mrs. Upton now raised her eyes and looked swiftly but deeply at her daughter. It was a look that left many hopes behind it. It was a look that armed other, and quite selfless, hopes, with its grave and watchful understanding. The understanding would not have been so clear had it not been fed by all the springs of baffled tenderness that only so could find their uses. Giving her daughter"s hands a final shake, as if over some compact, perhaps over that of growth, she turned away. Tison, who had followed her into the room and had stood for long looking up at the colloquy that ignored him, jumped against her dress and she stooped and picked him up, pressing her cheek against his silken side.
"You had better dress now, Imogen," she said, in tones of astonishing commonplace. "You"ve only time. I"ve kept you so long." And holding Tison against her cheek she went to the window.