"Imogen, _I_ did not know. I was not admitted to your father"s confidence.
I used to speak to you sometimes, you must remember, about being careful."
"I never thought about it. I thought he made a great deal--I thought you had a great deal of money," Imogen sobbed.
"It _is_ my fault, in one sense, I know," her mother said, still standing beside her, her hand on her shoulder. "If I had been here I could have prevented some of it. But--it has seemed so inevitable." The tears rose in Valerie"s eyes also; she looked away to conquer them. "Don"t blame me too much, dear. I shall try to do my best now. And then, after all, it"s not of such tragic importance, is it? We can be very happy with what we have."
Imogen wept on: "Leave my home!"
"There, there. Don"t cry so. We won"t leave it. We will manage somehow. We will stay on here, for a time at least--until you marry, Imogen. You will probably marry," and Valerie attempted a softly rallying smile, "before so very long."
But the attempt was an unfortunately timed one. "Oh, mama!
don"t--don"t--bring your horrible European point of view into _that_, too!"
cried Imogen.
"What point of view? Indeed, indeed, dear, I didn"t mean to hurt you, to be indiscreet--"
"The economic, materialistic, worldly point of view--that money problems can be solved by a thing that is sacred, sacred!" Imogen pa.s.sionately declared, her face still hidden.
Her mother now guessed that the self-abandonment was over and that, with recovered control, she found it difficult to pick up her usual dignity. The insight added to her tenderness. She touched the girl"s hair softly, said, in a soothing voice, that she had meant nothing, nothing gross or unfeeling, and, seeing that her nearness was not, at the moment, welcome, returned to her own place at the other end of the table.
Imogen now dried her eyes. In the consternation that her mother"s statements had caused her there had, indeed, almost at once, arisen the consoling figure of Jack Pennington, and she did not know whether she were the more humiliated by her own grief, for such a mercenary cause, or by this stilling of it, this swift realization that the cramped life need last no longer, for herself, than she chose. To feel so keenly the need of escape was to feel herself imprisoned by the new conditions; for never, never for one moment, must the need of escape weigh with her in her decision as to Jack"s place in her life. She must accept the burden, not knowing that it would ever be lifted, and with this acceptance the sense of humiliation left her, so that she could more clearly see that she had had a right to her dismay. Her crippled life would hurt not only herself, but all that she meant to others--her beneficence, her radiance, her loving power; so hurt it, that, for one dark moment, had come just a dart of severity toward her father. The memory of her mother"s implied criticism had repulsed it; dear, wonderful, transcendentalist, she must be worthy of him and not allow her thoughts, in their coward panic, to sink to the mother"s level. This was the deepest call upon her courage that had ever come to her. Calls to courage were the very breath of the spiritual life. Imogen lifted her heart to the realm of spirit, where strength was to be found, and, though her mother, with those implied criticisms, had pierced her, she could now, with her recovered tranquility of soul, be very patient with her. In a voice slightly m.u.f.fled and uncertain, but very gentle, she said that she thought it best to live on in the dear home. "We must retrench in other places, mama. I would rather give up almost anything than this. _He_ is here to me." Her tears rose again, but they were no longer tears of bitterness. "It would be like leaving him."
"Yes, dear, yes; that shall be as you wish," said Valerie, who was deeply considering what these retrenchments should be. She, too, was knowing a qualm of humiliation over self-revelations. She had not expected that it would be really so painful, in such trivial matters, to adjust herself to the most ordinary maternal sacrifices. It only showed her the more plainly how fatal, how almost fatal, it was to the right impulses, to live away from family ties; so that at their first pressure upon her, in a place that sharply pinched, she found herself rueful.
For the first retrenchment, of course, must be the sending back to England of her dear, staunch Felkin, who had taken such care of her for so many years. Her heart was heavy with the thought. She was very fond of Felkin, and to part with her would be, in a chill, almost an ominous way, like parting with the last link that bound her to "over there."
Besides,--Valerie was a luxurious woman,--unpleasant visions went through her mind of mud to be brushed off and braid to be put on the bottoms of skirts; stockings to darn-she was sure that it was loathsome to darn stockings; b.u.t.tons to keep in their places; all the thousand and one little rudiments of life, to which one had never had to give a thought, looming, suddenly, in the foreground of one"s consciousness. And how very tiresome to do one"s own hair. Well, it couldn"t be helped. She accepted the accompanying humiliation, finding no refuge in Imogen"s spiritual consolations.
"Eddy leaves Harvard this spring and goes into Mr. Haliwell"s office. He will live with us here, then. And we can be very economical about food and clothes; I can help little dressmakers with yours, you know," she said, smiling at her child.
"Everything, mama, everything must be done, rather than leave this house."
"We mustn"t let the girls" clubs suffer, either," Valerie attempted further to lighten the other"s gloomy resolution. "That"s one of the first claims."
"I must balance all claims, with justice. I have many other calls upon me, dear, and it will need earnest thought to know which to eliminate."
"Well, the ones you care about most are the ones we"ll try to fit in."
"My caring is not the standard, mama. The ones that need me most are the ones I shall fit in."
Imogen rose, drawing a long, sighing breath. Under her new and heavy burden, her mother, in these suggestions for the disposal of her life, was glib, a.s.sured. But the necessity for tenderness and forbearance was strongly with her. She went round the table to Valerie, pressed her head to her breast and kissed her forehead, saying, "Forgive me if I have seemed hard, darling."
"No, dear, no; I quite understood all you felt," Valerie said, returning the kiss. But, after Imogen had left her, she sat for a long time, very still, her hand only moving, as she traced squares and circles on her paper.
VIII
Jack thought that he had never seen Imogen looking graver than on that night when he came again. Her face seemed calm only because she so compressed and controlled all sorts of agitating things. Her mother was with her in the lamp-lit library and he guessed already that, in any case, Imogen, before her mother, would rarely show gaiety and playfulness. Gaiety and playfulness would seem to condone the fact that her mother found so little need of help in "bearing" the burden of her regret and of her self-reproach. But, allowing for that fact, Imogen"s gravity was more than negative. It confronted him like a solemn finger laid on firmly patient lips; he felt it dwell upon him like solemn eyes while he shook hands with Mrs. Upton, whom he had not seen since the morning of her arrival.
Mrs. Upton, too, was grave, after a fashion; but her whole demeanor might be decidedly irritating to a consciousness so burdened with a sense of change as Imogen "a evidently was. Even before that finger, those eyes, into which he had symbolized Imogen"s manner, Mrs. Upton"s gravity could break into a smile quite undisturbed, apparently, by any inappropriateness.
She sat near the lamp crocheting; soft, white wool sliding through her fingers and wave after wave of cloudy substance lengthening a tiny baby"s jacket, so very small a jacket that Jack surmised it to be a gift for an expectant mother. He further surmised that Mrs. Upton would be very nice to expectant mothers; that they would like to have her abound.
Mrs. Upton would not curb her smile on account of Imogen"s manner, nor would she recognize it to the extent of tacitly excluding her from the conversation. She seemed, indeed, to pa.s.s him on, in all she said, to Imogen, and Jack, once more, found his situation between them a little difficult, for if Mrs. Upton pa.s.sed him on, Imogen was in no hurry to receive him. He had, once or twice, the sensation of being stranded, and it was always Mrs. Upton who felt his need and who pushed him off into the ease of fresh questions.
He was going back to Boston the next day and asked Imogen if he could take any message to Mary Osborne.
"Thank you, Jack," said Imogen, "but I write to Mary, always, twice a week.
She depends on my letters."
"When is she coming to you again?"
"I am afraid she is not to come at all, now."
"You"re not going away?" the young man asked sharply, for her voice of sad acceptance implied something quite as sorrowful.
"Oh, no!" Imogen answered, "but mama does not feel that I can have my friend here now."
Jack, stranded indeed, looked his discomfort and, glancing at Mrs. Upton, he saw it echoed, though with, a veiled echo. She laid down her work; she looked at her daughter as though to probe the significance of her speech, and, not finding her clue, she sat rather helplessly silent.
"Well," said Jack, with attempted lightness, "I hope that I"m not exiled, too."
"Oh, Jack, how can you!" said Imogen. "It is only that we have discovered that we are very, very poor, and one"s hospitable impulses are shackled.
Mama has been so brave about it, and I don"t want to put any burdens upon her, especially burdens that would be so uncongenial to her as dear, funny Mary. Mama could hardly care for that typical New England thing. Don"t mind Jack, mama; he is such a near friend that I can talk quite frankly before him."
For Mrs. Upton was now gathering up her innocent work, preparatory, it was evident, to departure.
"You are not displeased, dear!" Imogen protested as she rose, not angry, not injured--Jack was trying to make it out--but full of a soft withdrawal.
"Please don"t go. I so want you and Jack to see something of each other."
"I will come back presently," said Mrs. Upton. And so she left them. Jack"s thin face had flushed.
"She means that _she_ won"t talk quite frankly before you, you see," said Imogen. "Don"t mind, dear Jack, she is full of these foolish little conventionalities; she cares so tremendously about the forms of things; I simply pay no attention; that"s the best way. But it"s quite true, Jack; I don"t know that I can afford to have my friends come and stay with me any more. Apparently mama and papa, in their so different ways, have been very extravagant; and I, too, Jack, have been extravagant. I never knew that I mustn"t be. The money was given to me as I asked for it--and there were so many, so many claims,--oh, I can"t say that I"m sorry that it is gone as it went. "But now that we are very poor, I want it to be my pleasures, rather than hers, that are cut off; she depends so upon her pleasures, her comforts. She depends more upon her maid, for instance, than I do even upon my friends. To go without Mary this winter will be hard, of course, but our love is founded on deeper things than seeing and speaking; and mama would feel it tragic, I"m quite sure, to have to do up her own hair."
"Good heaven, my dear Imogen! if you are so poor, surely she can learn to do up her own hair!" Jack burst out, the more vehemently from the fact that Mrs. Upton"s unprotesting, unexplanatory departure had, to his own consciousness, involved him with Imogen in a companionship of crudity and inappropriateness. She would not interfere with their frankness, but she would not be frank with them. She didn"t care a penny for what his impression of her might be. Imogen might fit as many responsibilities upon her shoulders as she liked and, with her long training in a school of reticences and composures, she would remain placid and indifferent. So Jack worked it out, and he resented, for Imogen and for himself, such tact and such evasion. He wished that they had been more crude, more inappropriate.
Thank heaven for crudeness if morality as opposed to manners made one crude. He entrenched himself in that morality now, open-eyed to its seeming priggishness, to say, "And it"s a bigger question than that of her pleasures and yours, Imogen. It"s a question of right and wrong. Mary needs you. Your mother ought not to keep a maid if other people"s needs are to be sacrificed to her luxuries."
Imogen was looking thoughtfully into the fire, her calmness now not the result of mastery; her own serene a.s.surance was with her.
"I"ve thought of all that, Jack; I"ve weighed it, and though I feel it, as you do, a question of right and wrong, I don"t feel that I can force it upon her. It would be like taking its favorite doll from a child. She is trying, I do believe, to atone; she is trying to do her duty by making, as it were, _une acte de presence_; one wants to be very gentle with her; one doesn"t want to make things more difficult than they must already seem.
Poor, dear little mama. But as for me, Jack, it"s more than pleasures that I have to give up. I have to say no to some of those claims that I"ve given my life to. It"s like cutting into my heart to do it."
She turned away her head to hide the quiet tears that rose involuntarily, and by the sight of her n.o.ble distress, by the realization, too, of such magnanimity toward the trivial little mother, Jack"s inner emotion was pushed, suddenly, past all the bolts and barriers. Turning a little pale, he leaned forward and took her hand, stammering as he said: "Dear, dearest Imogen, you know--you know what I want to ask--whenever you will let me speak; you know the right I want to claim--"
It had come, the moment of avowal; but they had glided so quietly upon it that he felt himself unprepared for his own declaration. It wad Imogen"s tranquil acceptance, rather than his own eagerness, that made the situation seem real.
"I know, dear Jack, of course I know," she said. "It has been a deep, a peaceful joy for a long time to feel that I was first with you. Let it rest there, for the present, dear Jack."