But Jean--Jean does not understand at all. He thinks that I am not satisfied with the service of our incomparable mess; that I prefer the flesh-pots of the "Poste" and the manners of its waiters. He has no other thought but this, and it is abominable; it is the worst of all.
The explanation thickens. I struggle gloriously with the French language; one moment it has me by the throat and I am strangled; the next I writhe forth triumphant. Strange gestures are given to me; I plunge into the darkest pits of memory for the words that have escaped me; I find them (or others just as good); it is really quite easy to say that I am coming back again in a week.
Interview with Madame F. and M. G., the President.
Interview with the Commandant. Final a.s.sault on the defences of the New Chivalry (the Commandant"s mind is an impregnable fortress).
And, by way of afterthought, I inquire whether, in the event of a sudden scoot before the Germans, a reporter quartered at the Hotel de la Poste will be cut off from the base of communications and left to his or her ingenuity in flight?
The Commandant, vague and imperturbable, replies that in all probability it will be so.
And I (if possible more imperturbable than he) observe that the War Correspondents will make quite a nice flying-party.
In a little open carriage--the taxis have long ago all gone to the War--in an absurd little open carriage, exactly like a Cheltenham "rat,"
I depart like a lady of Cheltenham, for the Hotel de la Poste. The appearance and the odour of this little carriage give you an odd sense of security and peace. The Germans may be advancing on Ghent at this moment, but for all the taste of war there is in it, you might be that lady, going from one hotel to the other, down the Cheltenham Promenade.
The further you go from the Military Hospital and the Railway Station the more it is so. The War does not seem yet to have shaken the essential peace of the _bourgeois_ city. The Hotel de la Poste is in the old quarter of the town, where the Cathedrals are. Instead of the long, black railway lines and the red-brick facade of the Station and Post Office; instead of the wooded fields beyond and the white street that leads to the battle-places south and east; instead of the great Square with its mustering troops and swarms of refugees, you have the quiet Place d"Armes, shut in by trees, and all round it are the hotels and cafes where the officers and the War Correspondents come and go. Through all that coming and going you get the sense of the old foreign town that was dreaming yesterday. People are sitting outside the restaurants all round the Place, drinking coffee and liqueurs as if nothing had happened, as if Antwerp were far-off in another country, and as if it were still yesterday. Mosquitoes come up from the drowsy ca.n.a.l water and swarm into the hotels and bite you. I found any number of mosquitoes clinging drowsily to my bedroom walls.
But there are very few women among those crowds outside the restaurants.
There are not many women except refugees in the streets, and fewer still in the shops.
I have blundered across a little cafe with an affectionately smiling and rea.s.suringly fat proprietress, where they give you _brioches_ and China tea, which, as it were in sheer affection, they call English. It is not as happy a find as you might think. It is not, in the circ.u.mstances, happy at all. In fact, if you have never known what melancholy is and would like to know it, I can recommend two courses. Go down the Grand Ca.n.a.l in Venice in the grey spring of the year, in a gondola, all by yourself. Or get mixed up with a field ambulance which is not only doing n.o.ble work but running thrilling risks, in neither of which you have a share, or the ghost of a chance of a share; cut yourself off from your comrades, if it is only for a week, and go into a Belgian cafe in war-time and try to eat _brioches_ and drink English tea all by yourself.
This is the more successful course. You may see hope beyond the gondola and the Grand Ca.n.a.l. But you will see no hope beyond the _brioche_ and the English tea.
I walk about again till it is time to go back to the Hotel. So far, my emanc.i.p.ation has not been agreeable.
[_Evening. Hotel de la Poste._]
I dined in the crowded restaurant, avoiding the War Correspondents, choosing a table where I hoped I might be un.o.bserved. Somewhere through a gla.s.s screen I caught a sight of Mr. L."s head. I was careful to avoid the gla.s.s screen and Mr. L."s head. He shall not say, if I can possibly help it, that I am an infernal nuisance. For I know I haven"t any business to be here, and if Belgium had a Kitchener I shouldn"t be here.
However you look at me, I am here on false pretences. In the eyes of Mr.
L. I would have no more right to be a War Correspondent (if I were one) than I have to be on a field ambulance. It is with the game of war as it was with the game of football I used to play with my big brothers in the garden. The women may play it if they"re fit enough, up to a certain point, very much as I played football in the garden. The big brothers let their little sister kick off; they let her run away with the ball; they stood back and let her make goal after goal; but when it came to the scrimmage they took hold of her and gently but firmly moved her to one side. If she persisted she became an infernal nuisance. And if those big brothers over there only knew what I was after they would make arrangements for my immediate removal from the seat of war.
The Commandant has turned up with Ursula Dearmer. He is drawn to these War Correspondents who appear to know more than he does. On the other hand, an ambulance that can get into the firing-line has an irresistible attraction for a War Correspondent. It may at any moment const.i.tute his only means of getting there himself.
One of our cars has been sent out to Antwerp with dispatches and surgical appliances.
The sight of the Commandant reminds me that I have got all the funds of the Ambulance upstairs in my suit-case in that leather purse-belt--and if the Ambulance does fly from Ghent without me, and without that belt, it will find itself in considerable embarra.s.sment before it has retreated very far.
It is quite certain that I shall have to take my chance. I have asked the Commandant again (either this evening or earlier) so that there may be no possible doubt about it: "If we do have to scoot from Ghent in a hurry I shall have nothing but my wits to trust to?"
And he says, "True for you."
And he looks as if he meant it.[3]
These remarkable words have a remarkable effect on the new War Correspondent. It is as if the coolness and the courage and the strength of a hundred War Correspondents and of fifty Red Cross Ambulances had been suddenly discharged into my soul. This absurd accession of power and valour[4] is accompanied by a sudden immense lucidity. It is as if my soul had never really belonged to me until now, as if it had been either drugged or drunk and had never known what it was to be sober until now. The sensation is distinctly agreeable. And on the top of it all there is a peace which I distinctly recognize as the peace of G.o.d.
So, while the Commandant talks to the War Correspondents as if nothing had happened, I go upstairs and unlock my suit-case and take from it the leather purse-belt with the Ambulance funds in it, and I bring it to the Commandant and lay it before him and compel him to put it on. As I do this I feel considerable compunction, as if I were launching a three-year-old child in a c.o.c.kle-sh.e.l.l on the perilous ocean of finance.
I remind him that fifteen pounds of the money in the belt is his (he would be as likely as not to forget it). As for the accounts, they are so clear that a three-year-old child could understand them. I notice with a diabolical satisfaction which persists through the all-pervading peace by no means as incongruously as you might imagine--I notice particularly that the Commandant doesn"t like this part of it a bit.
There is not anybody in the Corps who wants to be responsible for its funds or enjoys wearing that belt. But it is obvious that if the Ambulance can bear to be separated from its Treasurer-Secretary-Reporter, in the flight from Ghent, it cannot possibly bear to be separated from its funds.
I am alone with the Commandant while this happens, standing by one of the writing-tables in the lounge. Ursula Dearmer (she grows more mature every day) and the War Correspondents and a few Generals have melted somewhere into the background. The long, lithe pigskin belt lies between us on the table--between my friend and me--like a pale snake. It exerts some malign and poisonous influence. It makes me say things, things that I should not have thought it possible to say. And it is all about the sh.e.l.ls at Alost.
He is astonished.
And I do not care.
I am sustained, exalted by that sense of righteousness you feel when you are insanely pounding somebody who thinks that in perfect sanity and integrity he has pounded you.
[_Sat.u.r.day, 3rd._]
Mr. L. asked me to breakfast. He has told me more about the Corps in five minutes than the Corps has been able to tell me in as many days. He has seen it at Alost and Termonde. You gather that he has seen other heroic enterprises also and that he would perjure himself if he swore that they were indispensable. Every Correspondent is besieged by the leaders of heroic enterprises, and I imagine that Mr. L. has been "had"
before now by amateurs of the Red Cross, and his heart must have sunk when he heard of an English Field Ambulance in Ghent. And he owns to positive terror when he saw it, with its girls in breeches, its Commandant in Norfolk jacket, grey knickerbockers, heather-mixture stockings and deer-stalker; its Chaplain in khaki, and its Surgeon a mark for bullets in his Belgian officer"s cap. I suggest that this absence of uniform only proves our pa.s.sionate eagerness to be off and get to work. But it is right. Our ambulance is the real thing, and Mr.
L. is going to be an angel and help it all he can. He will write about it in the _Ill.u.s.trated London News_ and the _Westminster_. When he hears that I came out here to write about the War and make a little money for the Field Ambulance, and that I haven"t seen anything of the War and that my invasion of his hotel is simply a last despairing effort to at least hear something, he is more angelic than ever. He causes a whole cinema of war-scenes to pa.s.s before my eyes. When I ask if there is anything left for me to "do," he evokes a long procession of articles--pure, virgin copy on which no journalist has ever laid his hands--and a.s.sures me that it is mine, that the things that have been done are nothing to the things that are left to do. I tell him that I have no business on his pitch, and that I am horribly afraid of getting in the regular Correspondents" way and spoiling their game; as I am likely to play it, there isn"t any pitch. Of course, I suppose, there is the "scoop," but that"s another matter. It is the War Correspondent"s crown of cunning and of valour, and n.o.body can take from him that crown. But in the psychology of the thing, every Correspondent is his own pitch. He has told me very nearly all the things I want to know, among them what the Belgian General said to the Commandant when he saw Ursula Dearmer at Alost:
"What the devil is the lady doing there?"
I gather that Mr. L. shares the General"s wonder and my own anxiety. I am not far wrong in regarding Alost and Termonde as no fit place for Ursula Dearmer or any other woman.
Answered the Commandant"s letters for him. Wrote to Ezra Pound. Wrote out the report for the last three days" ambulance work and sent it to the British Red Cross; also a letter to Mr. Rogers about a light scouting-car. The British Red Cross has written that it cannot spare any more motor ambulances, but it may possibly send out a small car. (The Commandant has cabled to Mr. Gould, of Gould Bros., Exeter, accepting his offer of his own car and services.)
Went down to the "Flandria" for news of the Ambulance. The car that was sent out yesterday evening got through all right to Antwerp and returned safely. It has brought very bad news. Two of the outer forts are said to have fallen. The position is critical, and grave anxiety is felt for the safety of the English in Antwerp. Mrs. St. Clair Stobart has asked us for one of our ambulances. But even if we could spare it we cannot give it up without an order from the military authority at Ghent. We hear that Dr. ----, one of Mrs. Stobart"s women, is to leave Antwerp and work at our hospital. She is engaged to be married to Dr. ----, and the poor boy is somewhat concerned for her safety. I"m very glad I have left the "Flandria," for she can have my room.
I wish they would make Miss ---- come away too.
Yes: Miss ----, that clever novelist, who pa.s.ses for a woman of the world because she uses mundane appearances to hide herself from the world"s importunity--Miss ---- is here. The War caught her. Some people were surprised. I wasn"t.[5]
Walked through the town again--old quarter. Walked and walked and walked, thinking about Antwerp all the time. Through streets of grey-white and lavender-tinted houses, with very fragile balconies. Saw the two Cathedrals[6] and the Town Hall--refugees swarming round it--and the Rab--I can"t remember its name: see Baedeker--with its turrets and its moat. Any amount of time to see cathedrals in and no Mrs. Torrence to protest. I wonder how much of all this will be left by next month, or even by next week? Two of the Antwerp forts have fallen. They say the occupation of Ghent will be peaceful; while of Antwerp I suppose they would say, "_C"est triste, n"est-ce pas?_" They say the Germans will just march into Ghent and march out again, commandeering a few things here and there. But n.o.body knows, and by the stolid faces of these civilians you might imagine that n.o.body cares. Certainly none of them think that the fate of Antwerp can be the fate of Ghent.
And the faces of the soldiers, of the men who know? They are the faces of important people, cheerful people, pleasantly preoccupied with the business in hand. Only here and there a grave face, a fixed, drawn face, a face twisted with the irritation of the strain.
Why, the very refugees have the look of a rather tired tourist-party, wandering about, seeing Ghent, seeing the Cathedral.
Only they aren"t looking at the Cathedral. They are looking straight ahead, across the _Place_, up the street; they do not see or hear the trams swinging down on them, or the tearing, snorting motors; they stroll abstractedly into the line of the motors and stand there; they start and scatter, wild-eyed, with a sudden recrudescence of the terror that has driven them here from their villages in the fields.
It seems incredible that I should be free to walk about like this. It is as if I had cut the rope that tied me to a soaring air-balloon and found myself, with firm feet, safe on the solid earth. Any bit of earth, even surrounded by Germans, seems safe compared with the asphyxiation of that ascent. And when the air-balloon wasn"t going up it was as if I had lain stifling under a soft feather-bed for more than a year. Now I"ve waked up suddenly and flung the feather-bed off with a vigorous kick.
[_[7]Sunday, 4th._]
(I have no clear recollection of Sunday morning, because in the afternoon we went to Antwerp; and Antwerp has blotted out everything that went near before it.)
The Ambulance has been ordered to take two Belgian professors (or else they are doctors) into Antwerp. There isn"t any question this time of carrying wounded. It seems incredible, but I am going too. I shall see the siege of Antwerp and hear the guns that were brought up from Namur.
Somewhere, on the north-west horizon, a vision, heavenly, but impalpable, aerial, indistinct, of the Greatest Possible Danger.