He did think the matter over long and carefully, and concluded that even for his mother and sisters" sake it would be best that they should live apart. If he could thoroughly retrieve his character where he had lost it, they would be reconciled to him; if he could not, he would be less of a burden and a mortification absent than present.
When he considered his own feelings, the thought of skulking and hiding through life made his cheek tingle with shame and disgust. Conscience sided with his inclination to go back to his old, hard fight at Hillaton; and it also appeared to him that he could there better maintain a Christian life, in spite of all the odds against him, than by taking the enervating course marked out by his mother. He also remembered, with a faint thrill of hope, that whatever recognition he could get at Hillaton as a changed, a better man, it would be based on the rock of truth.
He therefore concluded to go back as he had intended, and with the decision came his former, happy, mystical feeling, welling up in his heart like the sweet refreshing waters of a spring, the consciousness of which filled his heart with courage and confidence as to the future.
"Surely," he exclaimed, "I am a changed, a converted man. These strange, sweet emotions, this unspeakable gladness of heart in the midst of so much that is painful and distracting, prove that I am. I have not taken this journey in vain."
Haldane met only his sisters at dinner, for the scene of the morning had prostrated his mother with a nervous headache. In spite of his efforts, it was a constrained and dismal affair, and all were glad when it was over.
In the evening they all met in Mrs. Haldane"s room, and the young man told them his decision so firmly and quietly that, while they were both surprised and angry, they saw it was useless to remonstrate. He next drew such a dreary picture of the future as they had designed it, that they were half inclined to think he was right, and that his presence would be a greater source of pain than of comfort to them. He also convinced them that it would be less embarra.s.sing for them to go to Europe alone than with his escort, and that the plan of going abroad need not be given up.
But Mrs. Haldane was strenuous on the point that he should leave Hillaton, accept of her old offer, and live a quiet, respectable life in some retired place where he was not known.
"I will not have it said," she persisted, "that my son is working as a common factory hand, nor will I have our name a.s.sociated with that wretched old creature whose profanity and general outlandishness are the town-talk and the constant theme of newspaper squibs. You at least owe it to us to let this scandal die out as speedily as possible. If you will comply with these most reasonable requirements, I will see that you have an abundant support. If you will not, I have no evidence of a change in your character; nor can I see any better way than to leave you to suffer the consequences of your folly until you do come to your senses."
"Mother, do you think a young fellow of my years and energy could go to an out-of-the-way place, and just mope, eat, and sleep for the sake of being supported? I would rather starve first. I fear we shall never understand each other; and I have reached that point in life when I must follow my own conscience. I shall leave to-morrow morning before any of you are up; and in my old working clothes. Good-by;" and before they could realize it he had kissed them and left the room.
They weakly sighed as over the inevitable; but one of his sisters said, "He will be glad enough to come to your terms before winter."
CHAPTER XL
HUMAN NATURE
At an early hour Haldane, true to his purpose, departed from the home of his childhood in the guise of a laborer, as he had come. His mother heard his step on the stairs, for she had pa.s.sed a sleepless night, agitated by painful emotions. She wished to call him back; she grieved over his course as a "dark and mysterious providence," as a misfortune which, like death, could not be escaped; but with the persistence of a little mind, capable of taking but a single and narrow view, she was absolutely sure she was right in her course, and that nothing but harsh and bitter experience would bring her wayward son to his senses.
Nor did it seem that the harsh experience would be wanting, for the morning was well advanced when he reached his place of work, and he received a severe reprimand from the foreman for being so late. His explanation, that he had received permission to be absent, was incredulously received. It also seemed that gibes, taunts, and sneers were flung at him with increasing venom by his ill-natured a.s.sociates, who were vexed that they had not been able to drive him away by their persecutions.
But the object of their spite was dwelling in a world of which they knew nothing, and in which they had no part, and, almost oblivious of their existence, he performed his mechanical duty in almost undisturbed serenity.
Mr. Growther welcomed him back most heartily and with an air of eager expectation, and when Haldane briefly but graphically narrated his experience, he hobbled up and down the room in a state of great excitement.
"You"ve got it! you"ve got it! and the genuine article, too, as sure as my name is Jeremiah Growther!" he exclaimed; "I"d give the whole airth, and anything else to boot, that was asked, if I could only git religion.
But it"s no use for me to think about it; I"m done, and cooled off, and would break inter ten thousand pieces if I tried to change myself. I couldn"t feel what you feel any more than I could run and jump as you kin. My moral j"ints is as stiff as hedge-stakes. If I tried to git up a little of your feelin", it would be like tryin" to hurry along the spring by buildin" a fire on the frozen ground. It would only make one little spot soft and sloppy; the fire would soon go out: then it would freeze right up agin. Now, with you it"s spring all over; you feel tender and meller-like, and everything good is ready to sprout. Well, well! if I do have to go to old Nick at last, I"m powerful glad he"s had this set-back in your case."
Long and earnestly did Haldane try to reason his quaint friend out of his despairing views of himself. At last the old man said testily:
"Now, look here; you"re too new-fledged a saint to instruct a seasoned and experienced old sinner like me. You don"t know much about the Lord"s ways yet, and I know all about the devil"s ways. Because you"ve got out of his clutches (and I"m mighty glad you have) you needn"t make light of him, and take liberties with him as if he was n.o.body, "specially when Scripter calls him "a roarin" lion." If I was as young as you be, I"d make a dead set to git away from him; but after tryin" more times than you"ve lived years, I know it ain"t no use. I tell you I can"t feel as you feel, any more than you can squeeze water out of them old andirons.
A-a-h!"
Haldane was silent, feeling that the old man"s spiritual condition was too knotty a problem for him to solve.
After a few moments Mr. Growther added, in a voice that he meant to be very solemn and impressive:
"But I want you to enjoy your religious feelin"s all the same. I will listen to all the Scripter readin" and prayin" you"re willin" to do, without makin" any disturbance. Indeed, I think I will enjoy my wittles more, now that an honest grace can be said over "em. An" when you read the Bible, you needn"t read the cussin" parts, if yer don"t want to.
I"ll read "em to myself hereafter. I"ll give you all the leeway that an old curmudgeon like myself kin; and I expect to take a sight o" comfort in seein" you goin" on your way rejoicin"."
And he did seem to take as much interest in the young man"s progress and new spiritual experiences as if he alone were the one interested. His efforts to control his irritability and profanity were both odd and pathetic, and Haldane would sometimes hear him swearing softly to himself, with strange contortions of his wrinkled face, when in former times he would have vented his spite in the harshest tones.
Haldane wrote fully to Mrs. Arnot of his visit to his native city and its happy results, and enlarged upon his changed feelings as the proof that he was a changed man.
Her reply was prompt and was filled with the warmest congratulations and expressions of the sincerest sympathy. It also contained these words:
"I fear that you are dwelling too largely upon your feelings and experiences, and are giving to them a value they do not possess. Not that I would undervalue them--they are gracious tokens of G.o.d"s favor; but they are not the grounds of your salvation and acceptance with G.o.d."
Haldane did not believe that they were--he had been too well taught for that--but he regarded them as the evidences that he was accepted, that he was a Christian; and he expected them to continue, and to bear him forward, and through and over the peculiar trials of his lot, as on a strong and shining tide.
Mrs. Arnot also stated that she was just on the eve of leaving home for a time, and that on her return she would see him and explain more fully her meaning.
In conclusion, she wrote: "I think you did what was right and best in returning to Hillaton. At any rate, you have reached that age when you must obey your own conscience, and can no longer place the responsibility of your action upon others. But, remember, that you owe to your mother the most delicate forbearance and consideration. You should write to her regularly, and seek to prove that you are guided by principle rather than impulse. Your mother has much reason to feel as she does, and nothing can excuse you from the sacred duties you owe to her."
Haldane did write as Mrs. Arnot suggested. In a few days he received the following letter from his mother:
"We shall sail for Europe as soon as we can get ready for the journey.
Our lawyer is making all the necessary arrangements for us. I will leave funds with him, and whenever you are ready in good faith to accept my offer, leave Hillaton, and live so that this scandal can die out, you can obtain from him the means of living decently and quietly. As it is, I live in daily terror lest you again do something which will bring our name into the Hillaton papers; and, of course, everything is copied by the press of this city. Will the time ever come when you will consider your mother"s and sisters" feelings?"
For a time all went as well as could be expected in the trying circ.u.mstances of Haldane"s life. His prayers for strength and patience were at first earnest, and their answers seemed a.s.sured--so a.s.sured, indeed, that in times of haste and weariness prayer eventually came to be hurried or neglected. Before he was aware of it, feeling began to ebb away. He at last became troubled, and then alarmed, and made great effort to regain his old, happy emotions and experiences; but, like an outgoing tide, they ebbed steadily away.
His face indicated his disquiet and anxiety, for he felt like one who was clinging to a rope that was slowly parting, strand by strand.
Keen-eyed Mr. Growther watched him closely, and was satisfied that something was amiss. He was much concerned, and took not a little of the blame upon himself.
"How can a man be a Christian, or anything else that"s decent, when he keeps such cussed company as I be?" he muttered. "I s"pose I kinder pisen and wither up his good feelin"s like a sulphuric acid fact"ry."
One evening he exclaimed to Haldane, "I say, young man, you had better pull out o" here."
"What do you mean?"
"I"ll give you a receipt in full and a good character, and then you look for a healthier boardin"-place."
"Ah, I see! You wish to be rid of me?"
"No, you don"t see, nuther. I wish you to be rid of me."
"Of course, if you wish me to go, I"ll go at once," said Haldane, in a despondent tone.
"And go off at half-c.o.c.k into the bargain? I ain"t one of the kind, you know, that talks around Robin Hood"s barn. I go straight in at the front door and out at the back. It"s my rough way of coming to the p"int at once. I kin see that you"re runnin" behind in speret"al matters, and I believe that my cussedness is part to blame. You don"t feel good as you used to. It would never do to git down at the heel in these matters, "cause the poorest timber in the market is yer old backsliders. I"d rather be what I am than be a backslider. The right way is to take these things in time, before you git agoin" down hill too fast. It isn"t that I want to git rid of you at all. I"ve kinder got used to you, and like to have you "round "mazingly; but I don"t s"pose it"s possible for you to feel right and live with me, and so you had better cut stick in time, for you must keep a-feelin" good and pi"us-like, my boy, or it"s all up with you."
"Then you don"t want me to go for the sake of your own comfort?"
"Not a bit of it. I only want you to git inter a place that isn"t so morally pisened as this, where I do so much cussin"; for I will and must cuss as long as there"s an atom left of me as big as a head of a pin.
A-a-h!"
"Then I prefer to take my chances with you to going anywhere else."