"I can scarcely separate the sin from the suffering. My mind is confused, and I am overwhelmed with fear and loneliness. All who are good and all that is good seemed to be slipping from me, and I should soon be left only to my miserable self. O, Mrs. Arnot, no doubt I seem to you like a weak, guilty coward. I seem so to myself. If it were danger or difficulty I had to face I would not fear; but this slow, inevitable, increasing pressure of a horrible fate, this seeing clearly that evil cuts me off from hope and all happiness, and yet to feel that I cannot escape from it--that I am too weak to break my chains--it is more than I can endure. I fear that I should have gone mad if you had not come. Do you think there is any chance for me? I feel as if I had lost my manhood."
Mrs. Arnot took the chair which the sheriff had brought on her entrance, and said quietly, "Perhaps you have, Egbert; many a man has lost what you mean by that term."
"You speak of it with a composure that I can scarcely understand," said Haldane, with a quick glance of inquiry. "It seems to me an irreparable loss."
"It does not seem so great a loss to me," replied Mrs. Arnot gently. "As your physician you must let me speak plainly again. It seems to me that what you term your manhood was composed largely of pride, conceit, ignorance of yourself, and inexperience of the world. You were liable to lose it at any time, just as you did, partly through your own folly and partly through the wrong of others. You know, Egbert, that I have always been interested in young men, and what many of them regard as their manhood is not of much value to themselves or any one else."
"Is it nothing to be so weak, disheartened, and debased that you lie prostrate in the mire of your own evil nature, as it were, and with no power to rise?" he asked bitterly.
"That is sad indeed."
"Well, that"s just my condition--or I fear it is, though your coming has brought a gleam of hope. Mrs. Arnot," he continued pa.s.sionately, "I don"t know how to be different; I don"t feel capable of making any persistent and successful effort. I feel that I have lost all moral force and courage. The odds are too great. I can"t get up again."
"Perhaps you cannot, Egbert," said Mrs. Arnot very gravely; "it would seem that some never do--"
He buried his face in his hands and groaned.
"You have, indeed, a difficult problem to solve, and, looking at it from your point of view, I do not wonder that it seems impossible."
"Cannot you, then, give me any hope?"
"No, Egbert; _I_ cannot. It is not in my power to make you a good man. You know that I would do so if I could."
"Would to G.o.d I had never lived, then," he exclaimed, desperately.
"Can you offer G.o.d no better prayer than that? Will you try to be calm, and listen patiently to me for a few moments? When I said _I_ could not give you hope--_I_ could not make you a good man--I expressed one of my strongest convictions. But I have not said, Egbert, that there is no hope, no chance, for you. On the contrary, there is abundant hope--yes, absolute certainty--of your achieving a n.o.ble character, if you will set about it in the right way. But as one of the first and indispensable conditions of success, I wish you to realize that the task is too great for you alone; too great with my help; too great if the world that seems so hostile should unite to help you; and yet neither I nor all the world could prevent your success if you went to the right and true source of help. Why have you forgotten G.o.d in your emergency?
Why are you looking solely to yourself and to another weak fellow-creature like yourself?"
"You are in no respect like me, Mrs. Arnot, and it seems profanation even to suggest the thought."
"I have the same nature. I struggled vainly and almost hopelessly against my peculiar weaknesses and temptations and sorrows until I heard G.o.d saying, "Come, my child, let us work together. It is my will you should do all you can yourself, and what you cannot do I will do for you." Since that time I have often had to struggle hard, but never vainly. There have been seasons when my burdens grew so heavy that I was ready to faint; but after appealing to my heavenly Father, as a little child might cry for help, the crushing weight would pa.s.s away, and I became able to go on my way relieved and hopeful."
"I cannot understand it," said the young man, looking at her in deep perplexity.
"That does not prevent its being true. The most skilful physician cannot explain why certain beneficial effects follow the use of certain remedies; but when these effects become an established fact of experience it were sensible to employ the remedy as soon as possible.
One might suffer a great deal, and, perhaps, perish, while asking questions and waiting for answers. To my mind the explanation is very simple. G.o.d is our Creator, and calls himself our Father. It would be natural on general principles that he should take a deep interest in us; but he a.s.sures us of the profoundest love, employing our tenderest earthly ties to explain how he feels toward us. What is more natural than for a father to help a child? What is more certain, also, than that a wise father would teach a child to do all within his ability to help himself, and so develop the powers with which he is endowed? Only infants are supposed to be perfectly helpless."
"It would seem that what you say ought to be true, and yet I have always half-feared G.o.d--that is, when I thought about him at all. I have been taught that he was to be served; that he was a jealous G.o.d; that he was angry with the sinful, and that the prayers of the wicked were an abomination. I am sure the Bible says the latter is true, or something like it."
"It is true. If you set your heart on some evil course, or are deliberating some dishonesty or meanness, be careful how you make long or short prayers to G.o.d while wilfully persisting in your sin. When a man is robbing and cheating, though in the most legal manner--when he is gratifying l.u.s.t, hate, or appet.i.te, and _intends_ to _continue_ doing so--the less praying he does the better. An avowed infidel is more acceptable. But the sweetest music that reaches heaven is the honest cry for help to forsake sin; and the more sinful the heart that thus cries out for deliverance the more welcome the appeal. Let me ill.u.s.trate what I mean by your own case. If you should go out from this prison in the same spirit that you did once before, seeking to gain position and favor only for the purpose of gratifying your own pride--only that self might be advantaged, without any generous and disinterested regard for others, without any recognition of the sacred duties you owe to G.o.d, and content with a selfish, narrow, impure soul--if, with such a disposition, you should commence asking for G.o.d"s help as a means to these petty, miserable ends, your prayers would, and with good reason, be an abomination to him. But if you had sunk to far lower depths than those in which you now find yourself, and should cry out for purity, for the sonship of a regenerated character, your voice would not only reach your divine Father"s ear, but his heart, which would yearn toward you with a tender commiseration that I could not feel were you my only son."
The sincerity and earnestness of Mrs. Arnot"s words were attested by her fast-gathering tears.
"This is all new to me. But if G.o.d is so kindly disposed toward us--so ready to help--why does he not reveal himself in this light more clearly? why are we so slow and long in finding him out? Until you came he seemed against me."
"We will not discuss this matter in general. Take your own experience again. Perhaps it has been your fault, not G.o.d"s, that you misunderstood him. He tries to show how he feels toward us in many ways, chiefly by his written Word, by what he leads his people to do for us, and by his great mind acting directly on ours. Has not the Bible been within your reach? Have none of G.o.d"s servants tried to advise and help you? I think you must have seen some such effort on my part when you were an inmate of my home. I am here this evening as G.o.d"s messenger to you. All the hope I have of you is inspired by his disposition and power to help you.
You may continue to stand aloof from him, declining his aid, just as you avoided your mother, and myself all these weeks when we were longing to help you; but if you sink, yours will be the fate of one who refuses to grasp the strong hand that is and ever has been seeking yours."
"Mrs. Arnot," said Haldane thoughtfully, "if all you say is true there is hope for me--there is hope for every one."
Mrs. Arnot was silent for a moment, and then said, with seeming abruptness:
"You have read of the ancient knights and their deeds, have you not?"
"Yes," was the wondering reply, "but the subject seems very remote."
"You are in a position to realize my very ideal of knightly endeavor."
"I, Mrs. Arnot! What can you mean?"
"Whether I am right or wrong I can soon explain what I mean. The ancient knight set his lance in rest against what seemed to him the wrongs and evils of the world. In theory he was to be without fear and without reproach--as pure as the white cross upon his mantle. But in fact the average knight was very human. His white cross was soon soiled by foreign travel, but too often not before his soul was stained with questionable deeds. It was a life of adventure and excitement, and abundantly gratifying to pride and ambition. While it could be idealized into a n.o.ble calling, it too often ended in a lawless, capricious career of self-indulgence. The cross on the mantle symbolized the heavy blows and sorrows inflicted on those who had the misfortune to differ in opinion, faith, or race with the knight, the steel of whose armor seemingly got into his heart, rather than any personal self-denial.
Without any moral change on his own part, or being any way better than they, he could fight the infidel or those whose views differed from his with great zest.
"But the man who will engage successfully in a crusade against the evil of his own heart must have the spirit of a true knight, for he attempts the most difficult and heroic task within the limits of human endeavor.
It is comparatively easy to run a tilt against a fellow-mortal, or an external evil; but to set our lance in rest against a cherished sin, a habit that has become our second nature, and remorselessly ride it down--to grapple with a secret fault in the solitude of our own soul, with no applauding hands to spur us on, and fight and wrestle for weary months--years perhaps--this does require heroism of the highest order, and the man who can do it is my ideal knight.
"You inveigh against the world, Egbert, as if it were a harsh and remorseless foe, bent on crushing you; but you have far more dangerous enemies lurking in your own heart. If you could thoroughly subdue these with G.o.d"s aid, you would at the same time overcome the world, or find yourself so independent of it as scarcely to care whether or no it gave you its favor. When you left this prison before, you sought in the wrong way to win the position you had lost. You were very proud of your former standing; but you had very little occasion to be, for you had inherited it. The deeds of others, not your own, had won it for you. If you had realized it, it gave you a great vantage, but that was all. If you had been content to have remained a conceited, commonplace man, versed only in the fashionable jargon and follies of the hour, and basing your claims on the wealth which you had shown neither the ability nor industry to win, you would never have had my respect.
"Well, to tell the truth, such shadows of men are respected by no one, not even themselves, even though they may commit no deed which society condemns, But if in this prison cell you set your face like a flint against the weaknesses and grave faults of your nature which have brought you here, and which would have made you anything but an admirable man had you retained your old position--if, with G.o.d as your fast ally, you wage unrelenting and successful war against all that is unworthy of a Christian manhood--I will not only respect, I will honor you. You will be one of my ideal knights."
As Mrs. Arnot spoke, Haldane"s eyes kindled, and his drooping manner was exchanged for an aspect that indicated reviving hope and courage.
"I have lost faith in myself," he said slowly; "and as yet I have no faith in G.o.d; but after what you have said I do not fear him as I did. I have faith in you, however, Mrs. Arnot, and I would rather gain your respect than that of all the world. You know me now better than any one else. Do you truly believe that I could succeed in such a struggle?"
"Without faith in G.o.d you cannot. Even the ancient knight, whose success depended so much on the skill and strength of his arm, and the temper of his weapons and armor, was supposed to spend hours in prayer before attempting any great thing. But with G.o.d"s help daily sought and obtained, you cannot fail. You can achieve that which the world cannot take from you--which will be a priceless possession after the world has forgotten you and you it--a n.o.ble character."
Haldane was silent several moments, then, drawing a long breath, he said, slowly and humbly:
"How I am to do this I do not yet understand; but if you will guide me, I will attempt it."
"This book will guide you, Egbert," said Mrs. Arnot, placing her Bible in his hands. "G.o.d himself will guide you if you ask sincerely.
Good-night." And she gave him such a warm and friendly grasp of the hand as to prove that evil had not yet wholly isolated him from the pure and good.
CHAPTER x.x.xI
THE LOW STARTING-POINT
On the afternoon of the following day Mrs. Arnot again visited Haldane, bringing him several letters from his mother which had been sent in her care; and she urged that the son should write at once in a way that would rea.s.sure the mother"s heart.
In his better mood the young man"s thoughts recurred to his mother with a remorseful tenderness, and he eagerly sought out the envelope bearing the latest date, and tore it open. As he read, the pallor and pain expressed in his face became so great that Mrs. Arnot was much troubled, fearing that the letter contained evil tidings.
Without a word he handed it to her, and also two inclosed paragraphs cut from newspapers.
"Do you think your mother would wish me to see it?" asked Mrs. Arnot, hesitatingly.