From four o"clock till six they stimulate the flagging energies of boys who are comfortably tired and inclined to be drowsy. In their spare time they lavish individual pains upon backward boys, or castigate sinful boys, or fraternise with friendly boys, or comfort unhappy boys. At the very end of the day they pray with and for all the boys together.
A man who has never been a schoolmaster might be excused for supposing that when this overdriven band desisted from their labours and sat down to their evening meal, they would turn with a sigh of relief to some extraneous and irrelevant topic--politics; literature; sport; scandal, even. But no--they never talk of anything but boys--boys" work, boys"
games, boys" pranks, boys" crimes, boys" prospects. They bore one another intensely, these excellent men; for just as no young mother ever desires to hear of or talk about the achievements of any other baby than her own, so no keen cricketing coach will listen with anything but impatience to glowing accounts of his next-door neighbour"s proteges.
But they never desist. The shop varies, but boy is the only theme.
This weakness is not confined to schoolmasters, of course. All bodies of men of the same calling herded together for protracted periods of time are inclined to the habit, but most of them take elaborate precautions to eradicate it. In military and naval circles, for instance, certain subjects are tabu. Even undergraduates mulct one another in pots of beer if the line be crossed. But schoolmasters are incorrigible. They talk boy and nothing else. The explanation is simple. Boys are the most interesting things in the world.
Studley Senior Common Room was no exception. At the top of the table the Head and his senior colleagues discussed high-school politics--scholarships, roseola, and the latest eccentricity of the Governing Body. About the middle of the table, where housemasters and form-masters were intermingled, a housemaster would explain to a form-master, with studious moderation and paternal solemnity, that owing to the incompetence, prejudice, and spite of the form-master a certain G.o.dly and virtuous youth named Jinks _tertius_ was making no progress in his studies, and was, moreover, acutely depressed by the injustice with which he was being borne down. In reply to this the form-master would point out in the most courteous and conciliatory tones, that the said Jinks was an idle young scoundrel, and that until the housemaster abandoned his present short-sighted and officious policy of habitually intervening between Jinks and his deserts,--to wit, the rod,--no further progress could possibly be expected. Why couldn"t housemasters back form-masters up a bit? And so on. Lower down the table, three single-minded partisans were hotly disputing as to whether, upon a given date last summer, in a given junior inter-form cricket match, one Maggs (of the Lower Remove) did or did not feloniously give one Baggs (of the Upper Fourth) out leg-before-wicket at the instigation of a muscular bowler named Craggs. The only two persons at the table who were not talking boy were Mr. Chigley and Mr. Cleeve. Mr. Chigley, between mouthfuls, complained bitterly and unceasingly of the food; while Mr.
Cleeve remorselessly conducted an inattentive audience, hole by hole, step by step, stroke by stroke, through the intricacies of a battle fought by himself against apparently incredible odds that afternoon--and of a victory s.n.a.t.c.hed away on the last green, seemingly by the sudden and officious intervention of Providence, after what must have been one of the worst and most uninteresting exhibitions of golf ever seen.
Dinner ended, the company dispersed abruptly, summoned back from refreshment to the neverending labours of the schoolmaster, by House-prayers, scholarship coaching, or the necessity of administering justice. Mr. Brett and two other housemasters were invited by the Head to a rubber of bridge.
"By the way," observed the great man as they cut for partners, "you fellows must really see that your boys wear greatcoats on their way up to and down from football. Last Sat.u.r.day I noticed four or five young idiots, in a most overheated condition, standing about on Big Side watching the Fifteen without so much as a sweater among them. It nearly gave me pneumonia to look at them. You and I, I think, Brett. We have choice of seats."
"I think I will sit away from the fire," said Mr. Brett. "My deal, I think. Will you cut to me, Haydock? Personally, I never permit any boy in my House to go up to the playing-fields without his greatcoat.
Hearts!"
"My feeling in the matter," said Mr. Allnutt, on Brett"s left, "has been, and always will be, that we coddle boys a great deal too much. In my young days at--"
"Hearts!" repeated Mr. Brett loudly.
"In my young days at Chiddleham," pursued Mr. Allnutt, quite unruffled, "sweaters had not been invented, and"--he threw out his chest proudly--"we were none of us a penny the worse. Shall I play to a heart, partner?"
"If you please," said Mr. Haydock patiently.
Mr. Brett played the hand and won the odd trick.
"The nuisance about occasional apparel, such as a greatcoat," said Mr.
Haydock, gathering up the cards, "is that a boy wears his some wet morning up to school, and at the end of the hour, finding that the sun is shining and being a forgetful animal, comes down without it. Net result--a greatcoat kicking about in a pa.s.sage till it is lost or appropriated. Your deal, partner."
"It is merely a matter of taking a little trouble," said Mr. Brett precisely. "Once boys have been taught to grasp the fact that rules are made to be obeyed and not ignored, the thing is simple. My House--"
"Partner, I leave it to you," said Mr. Allnutt, _fortissimo_.
"No trumps!" said Mr. Haydock.
"As a matter of fact, Brett," observed the Head, as the dummy was laid down,--he was a genial despot, and Mr. Brett"s pedantic fussiness was a perpetual thorn in his flesh,--"the boys I saw on Sat.u.r.day were yours."
Mr. Allnutt laughed loudly, and Mr. Brett, greatly put out, omitted to return the Head"s lead, with the result that his opponents made four odd tricks.
"Game!" announced Mr. Allnutt, quite superfluously. "Thank you, partner.
Pretty work!"
"It was a pity you did not return my diamond, Brett," remarked the Head mildly. He was counted one of the great Headmasters of his time, but he was as human as the rest of us where lost tricks were concerned. "I had the game in my hand."
Mr. Brett stiffly expressed regret, and continued:
"Would you mind giving me the names of the boys you saw? I simply can"t understand it. I think there must be some mistake. No boy in my House--"
"As a matter of fact," said Haydock,--he was the acknowledged peacemaker and mediator of the Staff,--"it is very difficult to get boys to wear their greatcoats. I can"t help sympathising with them. They usually don"t require them at all, for they run straight up to their game and straight down again. But when, as sometimes happens, they find an exciting match going on on Big Side, they can"t resist the temptation of waiting for a minute or two--"
Mr. Allnutt interrupted. Listening to other people was not a foible of his.
"Nonsense!" he said with great gusto, as the Head began to deal the next hand. "You can"t tether healthy boys with red tape. Always disregard red tape--that"s my motto!" (By red tape Mr. Allnutt meant instructions from headquarters which did not happen to meet with his approval.) "Now, _my_ boys--"
"Spades!" said the Head, gloomily.
"Shall I play to a spade, partner?" asked Mr. Haydock.
"Certainly, so far as I am concerned," said Mr. Allnutt. "Glad to be out of it!"
Mr. Brett, whose hand contained four aces, flung his cards upon the table and glared at his superior.
"Very sorry, Brett," said the Head, "but it had to be done. I had nothing above a nine in my hand. I was afraid they would double anything you declared. My cut, I think, Haydock."
For the next ten minutes, fortunately, Mr. Brett was too much chagrined to speak, and the topic of the overcoats was allowed to drop.
The game continued for another few rounds, with the luck fairly evenly divided and the scoring low. Presently the Head, who usually contrived to achieve a good deal of quiet legislation during these social evenings, remarked:--
"We shall have to create three new School monitors at the end of the term. Have you any candidates, Allnutt?"
"You can select any boy in my House you like," replied Allnutt. He was habitually truculent to those set in authority over him,--he regarded them as a humanised form of red tape,--but the shrewd Head, who knew that Allnutt was a good man at bottom, suffered him with humourous resignation. "They are all equally incompetent. Luckily I am in the habit of looking after my House myself, and not leaving it to half-baked policemen."
"Thank you," said the Head. "That leaves me with a comfortably free hand. Have you any one to recommend, Brett?"
"Yes," said Brett. "I have. I have considered the matter most carefully. I have at least four boys who would make admirable monitors--"
"Game all!" said Mr. Allnutt impatiently. "Your deal, Brett."
--"And I have decided," continued Mr. Brett, bending his brows judicially, "to recommend Ericson and Smythe."
"Nincomp.o.o.ps, both of them," observed Mr. Allnutt at once.
"I fancy Brett was addressing the Headmaster," said Haydock drily.
"Oh, this is quite an informal discussion," said Mr. Allnutt cheerfully.
"The best boys in your House, Brett, are Meldrum and Lemaire. Why don"t you recommend them?"
With a great effort Mr. Brett kept his temper.
"They do not happen to be House prefects," he replied stiffly, "and are therefore ineligible for monitorships."
Much to Mr. Brett"s discomfiture, all three of his companions turned and gazed at him in undisguised astonishment.
"Why, man," burst out Mr. Allnutt, "Lemaire is the most brilliant boy in the School!"
"His bodily infirmity"--began Mr. Brett majestically.
"I see, I see," said Allnutt. "Bodily infirmity is a bar to promotion in your House; but not mental infirmity--eh? I suppose you have noticed that Ericson is a congenital idiot?"