"If you love another better than G.o.d, you have no right to come here."
Did she love another better than G.o.d? No, no, impossible. A man had influenced her life, and because of his influence she had given herself up, soul and body, to G.o.d"s service. How could she love the man best?
He had only pointed to the higher way.
Then she heard his step outside; his latch-key in the door, and she felt herself tremble. He went straight upstairs, never glancing in the direction of the kitchen; as he went he coughed, and his cough sounded hollow. His figure, never remarkably upright, was much bent.
Esther waited a few minutes; then, her heart going pit-a-pat, she crept very softly upstairs, pa.s.sed her own room and Cherry"s, and knocked at Wyndham"s door.
He came and opened it.
"Can I speak with you, brother?"
"Certainly. Come in, Esther?"
The attic had been converted into a wonderfully snug apartment. The bed and washing apparatus were curtained off, and the part of the room which surrounded the hearth revealed a bright fire, a little table on which a tempting cold supper was spread, and a deep easy chair.
"Sit down, brother," said Esther, "and eat. Let me help you. I can talk while you eat your supper. Are you very tired to-night? Yes, I am afraid you are dreadfully tired."
"I am always tired, Esther. That is in the condition of things."
He sank back into his chair as if he were too weary to keep out of it.
Then, with a flash of the old Gerald Wyndham in his eyes and manner, he sprang up.
"I was forgetting myself. Will you sit here!"
"What do you take me for, Mr.--Brother Jerome, I mean. I have come up here to see you eat, to see you rest, and to--to--talk to you."
"Esther, I have no words to thank you. You are, yes, you are the n.o.blest woman I know."
She flushed all over; her eyes shone.
"And isn"t that thanks for ever and ever?" she said in a voice in which pa.s.sion trembled.
Wyndham did not notice. He had taken off his hat, and Cherry"s good supper stood by his side. He ate a little, then put down his knife and fork.
"Ain"t you hungry, sir?"
"No. At first, when I came here, I was so starved that I never could eat enough. Now I am the other way, not hungry at all."
"And, sir, you have got a cough."
"Yes, I had a very bad wetting last week, and a cough is the result.
Strange. I had no cough when I slept out of doors."
"Mr. Wynd--Brother Jerome, I mean, you wouldn"t go back to that old life? Say you wouldn"t go back."
The almost anguish in her voice penetrated for the first time to Wyndham"s ear. He gave her a startled glance, then said with warmth:--
"Esther, you and your father have been good Samaritans to me; as long as it is safe I will stay with you."
"It shall and must be safe. Who would look for you here, of all places, when they think you are buried under the waves of the sea?"
"That is true. I expect it is perfectly safe for me to stay."
He lay back in his chair, and gazed into the fire; he had almost forgotten Esther"s presence.
"And you like it--you feel happier since you came?" she asked, presently, in a timid voice.
"What did you say?"
"Mr. Wyndham," the forbidden name came out with a burst, "do tell poor Esther Helps that you are happier since she found you."
She had fallen on her knees, the tears were streaming from her eyes; she held out her hands to him.
"Oh," she said, "I would give my life for yours."
In a moment Wyndham"s dreamy att.i.tude left him; he sprang to his feet, all alive and keen and watchful. He was the old Wyndham; his eyes were full of pity, which made his whole face radiant.
"Hush," he said. "Get up. Don"t say any more. Not another word--not a syllable. You forget yourself. Esther. I saved you once--I must save you again. Sit there, yes, there; I am quite strong. I must tell you the truth. Esther, I said just now that you were the n.o.blest woman I know. You must go on being n.o.ble. I will stay here on that condition."
"Oh, sir, will you?" Poor Esther would have liked to shrink through the very boards. "Will you forgive me, sir?"
"Hush; don"t talk about forgiveness. There is nothing to forgive.
Esther, I will show you how much I trust you. I will talk to you about my wife. I will tell you a little of my story; I mean the part I can tell without implicating others."
CHAPTER XLII.
Esther was now seated in the easy-chair; Wyndham stood by the mantel-piece. He had got a shock, and that shock had given him strength, and a good deal of his old manner.
"Esther," he said, "I cannot tell you all the story, but some of it I should like you to hear. You are a friend to me, Esther, and the part that relates to myself I will confide to you."
"Sir, I know the other part; you have been the victim of a wicked man."
"Hush; I don"t wish to speak about anyone but myself. I don"t blame anyone but myself. I loved a woman, Esther Helps, so much better than myself that for her sake I resolved to die to the world. I need not give you the reason of this. It seemed to me necessary for her happiness that I should do this; and I did not think it too much to do.
I married my wife knowing that the great love I had for her was not returned. This seemed all for the best, as when I died, as die to all appearance I should, her heart would not be broken. She could continue to live happy and honored. Do you follow me?"
"Yes, sir, yes. Are you tired? Will you sit, Mr. Wyndham?"
"I was never less tired. When I speak of my wife I feel as if a fresh vigor were coming into me. We were married, and I soon found that I had overtaxed my own resolve. In one particular I could not complete the sacrifice I had undertaken. I tried to make her love me, and for a time--a short time--I thought I had succeeded."
The speaker paused, and the eagerness of his tone changed.
"I failed. The heart that I most craved for was not to be mine. I tested it, but it did not respond. This was best, no doubt, but the fact preyed on me dreadfully. I went on board the _Esperance_, and, then, G.o.d forgive me, the thought took possession of me, the idea overmastered me, that I would make my fict.i.tious death real. Everything had been carefully arranged with regard to my apparent death. That part implicates others, so I will not touch upon it. I resolved to make certainty doubly certain by dying in earnest. Thus my wife"s future would be a.s.sured. My death would be real, the thing that might come upon her would be averted for ever. I was in a condition when I could not balance right and wrong; but my intellect was sufficiently keen and sensible to make me prepare for the deed I contemplated. I took steps which would prevent anyone on board thinking that I had fallen overboard by design. My death would be attributed to the merest accident. Thus all was made absolutely safe. What is the matter, Esther?"
"Oh, Mr. Wyndham! Oh, you frighten me. Did you--did you think of your soul, sir?"