"I know. Forgiveness is a mercy. My only part in it was to accept it. That came fully when Art had pneumonia and nearly died. Mac and I held each other all night long. I held Mac and the child held me, while Art was gasping away his life. The doctors, the nurses, had given him up. But suddenly his breathing eased. And that incredible, anguished, glorious mercy filled our hearts."
When Camilla was undressed and ready for bed she turned to Olivia to say good night. "Mama," she said, "I need to know about mercy, too."
"Mac-2 "Not Mac. My mother. Her-whoever the baby"s father is. They were so happy, my parents, and now-"
"Now we must all love each other more than ever." "Yes," Camilla said, "I know.
But I need mercy, first." She slept fitfully, waking with the word "mercy" on her lips. Art. Would she ever feel the same calm comfort from Art? But had not that calm comfort come through fearsome effort? For no reason, she thought of Luisa, wanted to reach for Madeleine L"Engle-170 the phone and call, even if it was two o"clock in the morning. But she could hear Luisa"s slightly abrasive voice, "h.e.l.l, Camilla, you"re growing up at last.
This is what it"s all about."
Mercy. It didn"t mean that everything was okay, could or should be condoned.
But we can"t move out of ourselves and our own self-justifications until we look in the mirror and know, yes, 1, too, could have done this. Or worse. My anger at my mother. At Mama for telling me things I don"t want to know. At Mac, for being in England when I need him here.
The baby kicked her. Grow up, Camilla. If you"re going to be a mother, you"d better grow up.
The rectory was quiet. Olivia saw to it that Camilla ate. Smiled occasionally.
Sometimes they reached out and clasped hands. Waited for the phone to ring.
The first time Camilla heard Olivia"s merry peal was when Dr. Edison came to visit, bringing a recording of Bach"s Musical Offering. "Here"s something to make number patterns with. No, no tea, hot or cold, thank you, Mrs.
Xanthakos.
We drink enough tea in this town to deplete the water level of the planet.
Let"s just talk. I"m terribly sorry I haven"t been in touch before, Camilla, but I"ve been out of town and just heard the news. How well do you know Latin?"
"Modestly," Camilla said.
"I"m an old-fashioned Southerner and I don"t swear in English." She burst into a streak of Latin syllables which Camilla more or less understood and which set them all to laughing so hard that the laughter was more than half tears.
"There," Dr. Edison said. "I feel better. I can"t say I"m sorry, Camilla, because it"s beyond that. The poor little baby. How is your father going to manage all alone?"Camilla and Olivia exchanged glances. Dr. Edison knew only the smallest part of the story, and that was bad enough. "I don"t know," Camilla said. "We"re still so shocked by my A Live Coal in the Sea mother"s death we haven"t got much beyond that. I suppose Father could get a nurse." That had not occurred to her before, but she had to say something.
Dr.
Edison knew only what everybody else in Corinth and Athens knew, the bare, tragic bones of Rose"s death and the baby"s dramatic delivery.
Dr. Edison opened her mouth to speak but was stopped by a loud knocking at the kitchen door. There was a doorbell at the rectory"s front door, but it had not functioned for many years, and the door stuck from the damp and was seldom used.
"I"ll go see what it is." Dr. Edison hurried out through the dining room into the kitchen.
"She"s marvelous." Olivia turned to Camilla with her old smile.
"I didn"t think I wanted to see anybody, but she"s"an exception."
Dr. Edison returned. "It was a troop of young people, bearing a baked ham and obviously heartloads of love."
"The youth group."Camilla opened her arms as though to embrace them. "People have been bringing in funeral baked meats ever since-ever since it happened."
"They"re thoughtful kids," Dr. Edison said. "They handed over their gifts and left. I"ll tend to getting the ham in the ice box as soon as-"
She was stopped by the ringing of the phone. Olivia reached for it. "h.e.l.lo ...
Yes, this is Olivia Xanthakos ... Where? ... What? . . . Yes, of course, as soon as possible." She hung up, as though to forestall further conversation.
"Camilla, that was your father. He"s in the airport in Atlanta. I told him I"d drive over and bring him here."
"No." Dr. Edison was brusque. "I"ll go. Much more sensible." She stood up.
"Father-but why-2 "Perhaps he needs to be near his daughter," Olivia said. "Perhaps he needs to do some grieving with you."
Madeleine L"Engle172 Dr. Edison headed again for the kitchen. "I"ll be back as soon as I can." She picked up the white kid gloves which she carried as a concession to propriety but never wore.
"How will you-" Camilla was too bruised even to demur. "How will you recognize each other?V "I"ll have him paged if necessary."
As she left, Camilla said, "Mama, I don"t understand." "Neither do I," Olivia said. "We"ll just have to wait and see." "What about Papa?"
Olivia shook her head. "Art will phone and tell us what"s going on as soon as he can. Now, love, it will be a while before Dr. Edison can get to Atlanta and back. Go upstairs and rest. With the afternoon sun swinging around, it"s stifling in here. I"ll be up in a few minutes."
Camilla took the record Dr. Edison had brought and put it on the turntable in the bedroom; she often listened to records while she was resting. The pure notes.of the Musical Offering moved calmly across her turbulence.
Downstairs she heard water running. Heard the refrigerator door open andclose.
Heard the tumbling of the dryer. -If the centrifugal force of the dryer is dependent on the fixed stars, so is the life of that baby born of my dead mother and G.o.d knows what father (someone in Paris? someone French?). So is the life of my own infant swimming so gently inside me in the amniotic fluid. So is Mac.
And Prank. And Mama and Papa. So am I. We cannot do anything in isolation. It is all interconnection. Why is my father in the Atlanta airport?
The fugue wound its pattern about her. She closed her eyes. Did not wake until her father came into the room, casting his shadow across the white coverlet on the bed.
She lay flat, her hands as usual over her belly, feeling the affirming movements of the baby, the strongest affirmation in A Live Coal in the Sea173 the chaos of all that was happening. Her father sat upright in a straight chair he had pulled up beside her.
"I can"t do it, Camilla. I can"t raise that child, knowing he"s not mine."
Camilla, wishing Olivia had not tactfully gone downstairs, said nothing.
"I"ve thought and thought. If I were a praying man you might say I"ve prayed.
The doctor suggested adoption. There are plenty of childless parents looking for children. But I can"t do that, either. He is, after all, Rose"s child. He"s all I have left of Rose. But I can"t do it. I"m too old. I"m away too often. I might grow to love the child, but then there would be times when I"d hate him for not being mine. I"ve weighed various factors and I"ve come to only one conclusion."
Camilla waited.
"You and Mac take him. You"ll have one of your own soon, and they"ll be company for each other. Raise him as your own." "But, Father." Camilla shook her head in confusion. "Where"s Papa? Didn"t he come home with you?"
"He"s in Jacksonville. He needed to get back to his cathedral. And I wanted to speak to you alone. This is between us. Name the baby after Art. That man saved my life. I was ready to jump in the Seine."
Camilla made herself breathe slowly, regularly. This suggestion-command-of her father"s was almost as much of a shock as her mother"s death.
"It"s a small way I can thank Art," Rafferty said. "Naming the baby after him."
"But " Months ago she had written her parents that if she and Mac had a boy they would call him Artaxias Rafferty. If they had a girl she would be Frances, after Frank. Camilla had been happier about that before Mac left for England, but that was not reasonable, was not Frank"s fault.
"It would give the child security. And I"ll provide for him. You and Macwon"t ever want-"
Madeleine L Engle174 "Father, we don"t want money."
"If you and Mac don"t take him I"ll have to make some kind of foster-care arrangement until he"s old enough for school at least. Camilla, do this for me.
I"m devastated. We were so happy. Rose was so much mine these past months, carrying my baby. I"m sure she thought it was mine."
"Father, who-"
"G.o.d knows. There was a small fling with a French diplomat, but it didn"t last.
However, I suppose-" Dry, heaving sobs began to rack him. Finally he looked at her. "Camilla, take the baby. Promise.!
"I can"t make any such promise without consulting Mac." "And where the h.e.l.l is Mac?" Rafferty demanded. "Why isn"t he with you when you need him?"
Her voice was steady. "He"s in England. Frank is being married, and Mac is his best man. After all, Frank came all the way from Turkey to be with Mac when we were married."
"Frank doesn"t have a pregnant wife whose mother has just been killed."
"Please, Father."
"Your father-in-law, the bishop, didn"t say much. But a long life with Rose has taught me to read between the lines.!
"Father, it was wonderful of Papa-of Art-to fly to Paris to be with you.
Papa.
Papa. Are you still Papa after what Mama told me? Is anything the same?
Rafferty rubbed his hands across his cheeks, where stubble was beginning to show. "He helped me cry. I did cry, but now I can"t. No tears left. He"s a good man, your bishop, I grant you that. Trustworthy. Camilla, please take the baby.
He"ll have to be in the hospital a while longer until he"s gained enough weight, but then-"
Camilla moved her head in negation back and forth on the pillow. "How can I?
I"m not due till November. I can"t-"
A Live Coal in the Sea175 Olivia came in with a cup of warm milk and nutmeg for Camilla. "Can"t what?V "Father wants Mac and me to take the baby."
"You are not even to think about it," Olivia said. "He"s asking the impossible."
Camilla smiled wanly. "You"ve done a few impossible things in your life, haven"t you?"
"Not like this. Lovey, I"ve got to go over to the store to pick up some more milk. Just rest till I get back. Don"t think. This is too much. Put everything out of your mind except your own baby."
How could she?
While Olivia was gone, the phone rang. Noelle Grange. "Camilla, I just spoke to Andrew and he told me about your mother. Oh, my G.o.d, I"m sorry."
Andrew"s friend was Dr. Edison"s nephew. There was no need to keep Rose"s death secret. But that was enough. The baby"s parentage need not be known. Ever.
For at least a while. Until, perhaps, the father appeared to claim his child. "Thanks for calling, Noelle. Yes, it was a terrible shock."
"I called Mom and Dad. Dad"s really shook up. Camilla, I think he and Mom are going to split. They do nothing but yell at each other. About anything. Your mom. Whatever. I hate going home. Thank G.o.d I don"t have to, much. I did talk to Ferris and he was wonderful, so I hope Mac is being wonderful for you. I mean, this is really lousy for you. Andrew wants me to tell you how terribly sorry he is about your mother. It"s weird. There"s so much bad stuff going on all around us, and Andrew and I are both happier than we"ve been in I don"t know how long.
When Andrew and Liz are through at Grady they"re going to New York to join her father"s practice. He"s a pediatrician, and that"s what they"re going to specialize in.
Madeleine L"Engle176 Her father has a huge practice and he needs them, so it"s a terrific situation."
"Good," Camilla agreed automatically. It was all right for Noelle to talk about herself. To some, extent it stopped Camilla from thinking.
Noelle ended with, "I"m terribly sorry about your mother. It must be awful for you."
She could not tell Noelle, she could not tell anybody, how awful it was.
E IGHT.
R A F F E R T Y R E T U R N E D to Paris. "I"ll find someone to care for the-for Rose"s child until you-"
They left it there. Until. Until Camilla had her baby. Until-what?
Mac and Art came to Corinth together, meeting in Atlanta and driving from there.
Camilla did not know who Mac was, who Art was. She looked at Mac"s eyes, clouded like dark amber, at his curly dark hair, his slight, tense body. It felt taut, resisting, as he kissed her.
She drew back, looked at Art, at the serenity in his face as he leaned toward her to kiss her, then put his arms around her in a loving embrace. She had thought she might recoil. Instead, she relaxed in his rea.s.surance.
It was late, but they had all waited for dinner. Olivia lit the candles.
The heat bore down on them. The ceiling fan stirred the air and made it almost bearable. Art pulled a large handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his face.
"Paris was cool. Even Jacksonville is cooler than this, with the breeze from the river." "England was cold," Mac said. "Frank and Bethann"s wedding was lovely, but we shivered."
Madeleine L Engle178 Camilla felt her own skin p.r.i.c.kle.
Mac continued in a level voice. "I liked Frank"s wife. Too bad Luisa couldn"t come but she was in the middle of her residency and couldn"t get away. So itwas just me and Bethann"s parents and sister and one aged aunt."
"Mac." Camilla interrupted. "There"s more."
"No." Olivia"s voice was shrill. "No. It can"t be done." Art and Mac looked at Olivia, at Camilla.
"My father wants Mac and me to take the baby-my baby brother."
"No," Olivia said again.