"Mom."
Camilla was upstairs, in bed, reading, when the phone rang. She let the book drop, open, on the blanket beside her, realizing that she was half asleep and had no idea what she"d read for the last few pages.
It was Thessaly. Voice tight. "These, what"s up?"
"Oh, Mom, Taxi"s made enemies on his show, and that isn"t A Live Coal in the Sea289 like him. No matter how uncontrolled he sometimes gets at home, he"s always professional in his work."
"What"s happened?"
"Nothing, yet. But I had a call from one of the writers, who asked me if I knew why Taxi"s being dropped from the show."
"Oh, Thessaly, surely not." She picked up the book with her free hand, put it back down.
"The woman"s a gossipy b.i.t.c.h and I don"t know how seriously to take her, but Taxi"s been very up and down lately, and the downs have been very down."
"Taxi"s downs always are. He"s a good actor, Thessaly, and, as you said, he"s always been completely professional." "I know there"s usually nasty gossip around the studio, but somehow Taxi"s stayed clear."
"Let"s hope it"s no more than gossip."
"Oh, Mom, I didn"t want to upset you, but I needed to have you tell me it isn"t true."
Camilla leaned against the pillows. "It probably isn"t true, though I can"t promise you. The best thing I can say is that it"s never good to pay attention to gossip. It"s usually malicious and distorted even if it"s partly true.
When is Taxi"s contract up for renewal?"
"Next month."
"I try to catch his show at least a couple of times a week," Camilla said.
"He seems to me to have been particularly good lately, and done well with some difficult lines."
"Yes," Thessaly agreed. "I thought so, too. But it would explain some things, wouldn"t it? His upsetting Raffi with that horrid record-"
When Taxi and Frankie were fourteen, Frank Rowan came for one of his periodic home leaves. His wife and children stayed with her parents, who had returned to the States, and Madeleine L"Engle290 Frank came to the seminary for a visit with Mac and Camilla. One day Camilla, checking the children"s rooms to see what degree of untidiness they had reached, heard Taxi"s voice from the kitchen, where Mac was having a cup of coffee.
"When is Uncle Frank going away?" "He"s here for another week."
"Will he take Mommy with him?" Taxi"s voice was anxious. "Why would he do that, Taxi?"
"Well, I don"t know, Daddy, I just get worried. He and Mommy spend a lot of time together while you"re teaching." "Uncle Frank"s our guest. It"s perfectly.
natural."
"Well, Dad, I was just afraid maybe it was more than that." "Taxi, what on earth are you talking about?V "One of the kids in my cla.s.s asked me who was the big handsome guy Mom was with.
He saw them walking down the street together. He thought they were holding hands. So I was just afraid."
Camilla came into the Taxi?"
"Oh, nothing, Mommy."
"It doesn"t sound like nothing." She looked at the boy, who was leaning against the fridge, slender in his school uniform, grey trousers, white shirt, navy blazer. He shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.
Mac said, "I think you"d better forget about all this, Taxi. Mom and Uncle Frank and I have always been especially good friends, and we"re very grateful for all that Uncle Frank has done for us."
Camilla kept her voice steady. "Taxi, I was looking for you to tell you your room is a total mess. Please go and tidy it. Okay?" She left the kitchen and went into her study and stood leaning against her desk as though to support her weight, which had become intolerable. Mac followed, coffee cup in hand. Shut the door._ Camilla asked, "What was that all about?V "Taxi was asking some very ugly questions."
kitchen. "What are you saying, A Live Coal in the Sea 291"Why? Why is he so destructive?"
Mac"s voice was tight. "I think he was genuinely troubled, Camilla. Is there anything to it?V "Mac! My G.o.d, Mac, no! How could you?" "Taxi can be very plausible."
"Frank"s a good friend. Your best friend." "But once you and he-"
"When we were teenagers. Frank is happily married. happily married. Mac, you can"t let Taxi do this to us." Then his arms were around her.
I am She phoned Olivia, who said, "I don"t know why he"s striking out at you and Mac.
But, cla.s.sically, you"re the ones he has to punish. In his poor, battered psyche, you are to blame for letting him go to Grange and Harriet."
"Oh, Mama, the thing is, Taxi might have terpreted-"
"What?"
"I was in the kitchen this morning, making Frank a cup of tea, and we were talking, sharing, the good things and the bad in our lives. And when I put the tea in front of Frank, I bent down and kissed the top of his head, and he reached up and took my hand and pressed it against his cheek. It was affection, Mama, nothing else. Our history goes a long way back. But if Taxi had seen-"
"Yes, he could easily have misunderstood., But you"ll never know, my love.
Can you let it go? Can Mac?"
"I think so. Mac knows I love him, utterly."
"And he"s learned staying power; that"s something I wasn"t sure was ever going to happen."
seen and misin After Art"s death Camilla called Olivia daily, usually in the morning, before she roused the children. Not children anymore. Teenagers. She had talked with Olivia about the great Madeleine L Engle29,2 unfilled hole of love in Rose. Had Taxi simply inherited that from his mother, a dose doubled by Grange and Harriet, so that his need for love was insatiable?
Would he have remained a happy, secure child if Rose had never written that letter to Grange? If Grange had heeded Rose"s request? If Grange and Harriet had not had clever lawyers? If they had not been killed?
"Where have we failed?"Camilla asked Olivia.
"My darling, you have not failed. You have loved, with strength, not sentimentality. Just as there are some wounds the greatest physicians cannot heal, so there are wounds of the soul that no human being can heal."
"Oh, Mama," Camilla said. "How would I manage without you?"
Olivia gave a small laugh. "One day you will have to. That is the nature of things."
And one day when Camilla called Olivia in the morning there was no answer.
Fighting down panic, she called a neighbor, who also checked daily on the old woman.
Olivia had died quietly in her sleep.
Camilla"s grief was contained only by her need to help Taxi and Frankie with theirs. Frankie, who seldom cried, wept silently through the funeral. Taxi held Camilla"s arm so tight that it was bruised. Mac, his voice low but steady, was the officiant, looking and sounding heartrendingly like his father as he spoke the ancient, affirmative words of the funeral service.Afterwards there was a reception in the large meeting room in Diocesan House, above which were the offices of bishops and canons, and below which were archives. Camilla and Mac tried to smile, to be courteous. Frankie held her father"s hand, still unable to control her tears.
"Where"s Taxi?"she asked.
A Live Coal in the Sea,193 Camilla looked around. There was no sign of Taxi. Where had he gone, and why?
She tried to control her anxiety. They stayed longer than they had expected to, until finally Taxi came into the hall.
"Where were you?" Frankie demanded. "I needed to be alone. Let"s go."
One of the canons drove them to the airport, and they flew back to New York.
The next day when Camilla got home from her cla.s.s at NYU she went into her study to leave her books and papers, and noticed a manila folder on her desk. In it was a doc.u.ment from the diocesan office in Jacksonville, an order of inhibition.
In the doc.u.ment Artaxias Xanthakos was relieved of his priestly functions for six months because of an accusation of sodomy which had been neither proved nor disproved. Because of his fine record in his diocese and his Cathedral, the inhibition would last for only six months.
Camilla felt a wave of nausea sweep through her, and put a hand to her mouth as though holding in her rage. She kneabout the doc.u.ment. Olivia had called her.
"It"s outrageou.."s vicious, lying gossip. There"s no truth in it. The Pr ding Bishop has a.s.sured Art that he has absolute confide-e in him. It comes from the diocese where the-" There -a a choking pause.
"The organist?" Camilla asked.
"Yes. His hatred of Art is a sickness, but I feel no mercy toward him, only rage. I am far angrier than Art is."
"Oh, Mama, Mama, I"m so sorry."
"I still fail to understand this kind of sickness that wants to destroy."
"It won"t."
"No: It won"t destroy Art, because it is not true, but truth has not always kept lies from destroying. The church is a small Madeleine L"Engle-294 world, but tentacles reach out-and in. I was afraid you and Mac might hear something."
They had not. A few days later Olivia called to say that the accusation had been withdrawn, and Art reinstated. Few people knew that anything had happened.
Why was the doc.u.ment still in existence for someone to find and She looked at the damaging, d.a.m.ning folder. Who had put it on her desk?
Taxi. She shuddered. Why had she immediately thought of Taxi?
Where had he disappeared after Olivia"s funeral? Into the diocesan offices above the reception hall, or below it, to the archives?
There was a small fireplace in Camilla"s study which she used occasionally.
She put the folder in it with some crushed newspaper and burned it.
Then she went to Taxi"s room.
Frankie"s accusation was just: Camilla hated confrontation. But she could not refuse to confront Taxi about this. "Yes, I took it." He looked up from his desk, where he was doing homework. "I didn"t want it there. I wanted to get rid of it."
"I have burned it," Camilla said. "It is a vicious lie. The accusation was withdrawn."
"Of course it"s a lie," Taxi said. "That"s why I took it. For Mama"s and Papa"s sake. To get rid of it."
"But, Taxi, you had no right to be wherever you were when you found this."
"I was looking for the bathroom," Taxi said, "and I opened this door and there were a lot of file cabinets and I pulled one drawer to see if it would open.
I.
don"t know why, I just pulled, but it was locked. Most of them were, but this one drawer pulled out. I think it had a weak lock. Mom, I"m glad I found this.
I.
don"t want anybody else to see it." Suddenly there were tears in his eyes.
"Why would anybody accuse my Papa this way?"
A Live Coal in the Sea295 Camilla sat on the side of his bed. "Papa was very much loved. Where there is great love, there is often jealousy and hate."
"Did Mama know about this?" his voice quavered.
"Yes. Mama and Papa did not keep things from each other. They bore their hurts together."
"This hurt them?V "Of course it hurt, Taxi, it hurt terribly."
"I don"t want them to be dead!" Taxi shouted.
"Neither do I, Taxi, neither do L" She put her arm about him. "But, Taxi, you must not go snooping into private places. This doc.u.ment was not meant to be seen. I had no right to burn it."
"Yes, you did!" Taxi burst into sobs. "It was the right thing to do. It was, it was! They can"t say that about Papa! Not Papa!"
"You"re right," Mac said, "you shouldn"t have burned it. On the other hand, since Taxi lifted it, burning was probably the best thing to do. You couldn"t very well return it to the diocese."
"Mac, Taxi was totally shaken. He was in tears. It must have seemed to him just another betrayal."
"By whom?" Mac"s voice was sharp. "Papa?V "No, no, not Papa! By whoever made the accusation, whoever filed that doc.u.ment."
Mac said, slowly, "Darling, that doc.u.ment didn"t just pop into Taxi"s hand.
He had to have been prying. What was he after?"
She shook her head. "I don"t know. With Taxi I"m never sure."
In a strange and dark way Taxi solved the problem for them. Camilla, late one afternoon, took some folded laundry Madeleine L"Engle,196 into Taxi"s room, where she a.s.sumed he was doing homework. He was not there.
She walked along to Frankie"s room, and there they were on Frankie"s bed, Taxi on top of Frankie.
It wasn"t as bad as it had seemed. Nothing had happened. Nothing had, according to Frankie, preceded it. Taxi had laughed. "Come on, Mom, don"t make such a big thing of it."