He had thought of going first to Halleck, and returning the money, but he was willing to give himself the encouragement of Marcia"s pleasure, of her forgiveness and her praise in an affair that had its difficulties and would require all his manfulness. The maid met him at the door with little Flavia, and told him that Marcia had gone out to the Hallecks", but had left word that she would soon return, and that then they would have supper together. Her absence dashed his warm impulse, but he recovered himself, and took the little one from the maid. He lighted the gas in the parlor, and had a frolic with Flavia in kindling a fire in the grate, and making the room bright and cheerful. He played with the child and made her laugh; he already felt the pleasure of a good conscience, though with a faint nether ache in his heart which was perhaps only his wish to have the disagreeable preliminaries to his better life over as soon as possible. He drew two easy-chairs up at opposite corners of the hearth, and sat down in one, leaving the other for Marcia; he had Flavia standing on his knees, and clinging fast to his fingers, laughing and crowing while he danced her up and down, when he heard the front door open, and Marcia burst into the room.
She ran to him and plucked the child from him, and then went back as far as she could from him in the room, crying, "Give _me_ the child!" and facing him with the look he knew. Her eyes were dilated, and her visage white with the transport that had whirled her far beyond the reach of reason. The frail structure of his good resolutions dropped to ruin at the sight, but he mechanically rose and advanced upon her till she forbade him with a m.u.f.fled shriek of "Don"t _touch_ me! So!" she went on, gasping and catching her breath, "it was _you_! I might have known it! I might have guessed it from the first! _You_! Was _that_ the reason why you didn"t care to have me hurry home this summer? Was that--was that--" She choked, and convulsively pressed her face into the neck of the child, which began to cry.
Bartley closed the doors, and then, with his hands in his pockets, confronted her with a smile of wicked coolness. "Will you be good enough to tell me what you"re talking about?"
"Do you pretend that you don"t know? I met a woman at the bottom of the street just now. Do you know who?"
"No; but it"s very dramatic. Go on!"
"It was Hannah Morrison! She reeled against me; and when I--such a fool as I was!--pitied her, because I was on my way home to you, and was thinking about you and loving you, and was so happy in it, and asked her how she came to that, she _struck_ me, and told me to--to--ask my--husband!"
The transport broke in tears; the denunciation had turned to entreaty in everything but words; but Bartley had hardened his heart now past all entreaty. The idiotic penitent that he had been a few moments ago, the soft, well-meaning dolt, was so far from him now as to be scarce within the reach of his contempt. He was going to have this thing over once for all; he would have no mercy upon himself or upon her; the Devil was in him, and uppermost in him, and the Devil is fierce and proud, and knows how to make many base emotions feel like a just self-respect. "And did you believe a woman like that?" he sneered.
"Do I believe a man like this?" she demanded, with a dying flash of her fury. "You--you don"t dare to deny it."
"Oh, no, I don"t deny it. For one reason, it would be of no use. For all practical purposes, I admit it. What then?"
"What then?" she asked, bewildered. "Bartley; You don"t mean it!"
"Yes, I do. I mean it. I _don"t_ deny it. What then? What are you going to do about it?" She gazed at him in incredulous horror. "Come! I mean what I say. What will you do?"
"Oh, merciful G.o.d! what shall I do?" she prayed aloud.
"That"s just what I"m curious to know. When you leaped in here, just now, you must have meant to do something, if I couldn"t convince you that the woman was lying. Well, you see that I don"t try. I give you leave to believe whatever she said. What then?"
"Bartley!" she besought him in her despair. "Do you drive me from you?"
"Oh, no, certainly not. That isn"t my way. You have driven me from you, and I might claim the right to retaliate, but I don"t. I"ve no expectation that you"ll go away, and I want to see what else you"ll do. You would have me, before we were married; you were tolerably shameless in getting me; when your jealous temper made you throw me away, you couldn"t live till you got me back again; you ran after me. Well, I suppose you"ve learnt wisdom, now. At least you won"t try _that_ game again. But what _will_ you do?" He looked at her smiling, while he dealt her these stabs one by one.
She set down the child, and went out to the entry where its hat and cloak hung. She had not taken off her own things, and now she began to put on the little one"s garments with shaking hands, kneeling before it. "I will never live with you again, Bartley," she said.
"Very well. I doubt it, as far as you"re concerned; but if you go away now, you certainly _won"t_ live with me again, for I shall not let you come back. Understand that."
Each had most need of the other"s mercy, but neither would have mercy.
"It isn"t for what you won"t deny. I don"t believe that. It"s for what you"ve said now." She could not make the b.u.t.tons and the b.u.t.ton-holes of the child"s sack meet with her quivering fingers; he actually stooped down and b.u.t.toned the little garment for her, as if they had been going to take the child out for a walk between them. She caught it up in her arms, and, sobbing "Good by, Bartley!" ran out of the room.
"Recollect that if you go, you don"t come back," he said. The outer door crashing to behind her was his answer.
He sat down to think, before the fire he had built for her. It was blazing brightly now, and the whole room had a hideous cosiness. He could not think, he must act. He went up to their room, where the gas was burning low, as if she had lighted it and then frugally turned it down as her wont was. He did not know what his purpose was, but it developed itself. He began to pack his things in a travelling-bag which he took out of the closet, and which he had bought for her when she set out for Equity in the summer; it had the perfume of her dresses yet.
When this was finished, he went down stairs again and being now strangely hungry he made a meal of such things as he found set out on the tea-table.
Then he went over the papers in his secretary; he burnt some of them, and put others into his bag.
After all this was done he sat down by the fire again, and gave Marcia a quarter of an hour longer in which to return. He did not know whether he was afraid that she would or would not come. But when the time ended, he took up his bag and went out of the house. It began to rain, and he went back for an umbrella: he gave her that one chance more, and he ran up into their room. But she had not come back. He went out again, and hurried away through the rain to the Albany Depot, where he bought a ticket for Chicago.
There was as yet nothing definite in his purpose, beyond the fact that he was to be rid of her: whether for a long or short time, or forever, he did not yet know; whether he meant ever to communicate with her, or seek or suffer a reconciliation, the locomotive that leaped westward into the dark with him knew as well as he.
Yet all the mute, obscure forces of habit, which are doubtless the strongest forces in human nature, were dragging him back to her. Because their lives had been united so long, it seemed impossible to sever them, though their union had been so full of misery and discord; the custom of marriage was so subtile and so pervasive, that his heart demanded her sympathy for what he was suffering in abandoning her. The solitude into which he had plunged stretched before him so vast, so sterile and hopeless, that he had not the courage to realize it; he insensibly began to give it limits: he would return after so many months, weeks, days.
He pa.s.sed twenty-four hours on the train, and left it at Cleveland for the half-hour it stopped for supper. But he could not eat; he had to own to himself that he was beaten, and that he must return, or throw himself into the lake. He ran hastily to the baggage-car, and effected the removal of his bag; then he went to the ticket-office, and waited at the end of a long queue for his turn at the window. His turn came at last, and he confronted the nervous and impatient ticket-agent, without speaking.
"Well, sir, what do you want?" demanded the agent. Then, with rising temper, "What is it? Are you deaf? Are you dumb? You can"t expect to stand there all night!"
The policeman outside the rail laid his hand on Bartley"s shoulder: "Move on, my friend."
He obeyed, and reeled away in a fashion that confirmed the policeman"s suspicions. He searched his pockets again and again; but his porte-monnaie was in none of them. It had been stolen, and Halleck"s money with the rest.
Now he could not return; nothing remained for him but the ruin he had chosen.
x.x.xII.
Halleck prolonged his summer vacation beyond the end of October. He had been in town from time to time and then had set off again on some new absence; he was so restless and so far from well during the last of these flying visits, that the old people were glad when he wrote them that he should stay as long as the fine weather continued. He spoke of an interesting man whom he had met at the mountain resort where he was staying; a Spanish-American, attached to one of the Legations at Washington, who had a scheme for Americanizing popular education in his own country. "He has made a regular set at me," Halleck wrote, "and if I had not fooled away so much time already on law and on leather, I should like to fool away a little more on such a cause as this." He did not mention the matter again in his letters; but the first night after his return, when they all sat together in the comfort of having him at home again, he asked his father, "What should you think of my going to South America?"
The old man started up from the pleasant after-supper drowse into which he was suffering himself to fall, content with Halleck"s presence, and willing to leave the talk to the women folk. "I don"t know what you mean, Ben?"
"I suppose it"s my having the matter so much in mind that makes me feel as if we had talked it over. I mentioned it in one of my letters."
"Yes," returned his father; "but I presumed you were joking."
Halleck frowned impatiently; he would not meet the gaze of his mother and sisters, but he addressed himself again to his father. "I don"t know that I was in earnest." His mother dropped her eyes to her mending, with a faint sigh of relief. "But I can"t say," he added, "that I was joking, exactly.
The man himself was very serious about it." He stopped, apparently to govern an irritable impulse, and then he went on to set the project of his Spanish-American acquaintance before them, explaining it in detail.
At the end, "That"s good," said his father, "but why need _you_ have gone, Ben?"
The question seemed to vex Halleck; he did not answer at once. His mother could not bear to see him crossed, and she came to his help against herself and his father, since it was only supposing the case. "I presume," she said, "that we could have looked at it as a missionary work."
"It isn"t a missionary work, mother," answered Halleck, severely, "in any sense that you mean. I should go down there to teach, and I should be paid for it. And I want to say at once that they have no yellow-fever nor earthquakes, and that they have not had a revolution for six years. The country"s perfectly safe every way, and so wholesome that it will be a good thing for me. But I shouldn"t expect to convert anybody."
"Of course not, Ben," said his mother, soothingly.
"I hope you wouldn"t object to it if it _were_ a missionary work," said one of the elder sisters.
"No, Anna," returned Ben.
"I merely wanted to know," said Anna.
"Then I hope you"re satisfied, Anna," Olive cut in. "Ben won"t refuse to convert the Uruguayans if they apply in a proper spirit."
"I think Anna had a right to ask," said Miss Louisa, the eldest.
"Oh, undoubtedly, Miss Halleck," said Olive. "I like to see Ben reproved for misbehavior to his mother, myself."
Her father laughed at Olive"s prompt defence. "Well, it"s a cause that we"ve all got to respect; but I don"t see why _you_ should go, Ben, as I said before. It would do very well for some young fellow who had no settled prospects, but you"ve got your duties here. I presume you looked at it in that light. As you said in your letter, you"ve fooled away so much time on leather and law--"
"I shall never amount to anything in the law!" Ben broke out. His mother looked at him in anxiety; his father kept a steady smile on his face; Olive sat alert for any chance that offered to put down her elder sisters, who drew in their breath, and grew silently a little primmer. "I"m not well--"