"And what do you imagine? That I have been disappointed in love? That I have been rejected? That the girl who had accepted me has broken her engagement? Something of that sort?" demanded Halleck, scornfully.
Atherton did not answer.
"Oh, how far you are from the truth! How blest and proud and happy I should be if it were the truth!" He looked into his friend"s eyes, and added bitterly: "You"re not curious, Atherton; you don"t ask me what my trouble really is! Do you wish me to tell you what it is without asking?"
Atherton kept turning a pencil end for end between his fingers, while a compa.s.sionate smile slightly curved his lips. "No," he said, finally, "I think you had better not tell me your trouble. I can believe very well without knowing it that it"s serious--"
"Oh, tragic!" said Halleck, self-contemptuously.
"But I doubt if it would help you to tell it. I"ve too much respect for your good sense to suppose that it"s an unreality; and I suspect that confession would only weaken you. If you told me, you would feel that you had made me a partner in your responsibility, and you would be tempted to leave the struggle to me. If you"re battling with some temptation, some self-betrayal, you must make the fight alone: you would only turn to an ally to be flattered into disbelief of your danger or your culpability."
Halleck a.s.sented with a slight nod to each point that the lawyer made.
"You"re right," he said, "but a man of your subtlety can"t pretend that he doesn"t know what the trouble is in such a simple case as mine."
"I don"t know anything certainly," returned Atherton, "and as far as I can I refuse to imagine anything. If your trouble concerns some one besides yourself,--and no great trouble can concern one man alone,--you"ve no right to tell it."
"Another Daniel come to judgment!"
"You must trust to your principles, your self-respect, to keep you right--"
Halleck burst into a harsh laugh, and rose from his chair: "Ah, there you abdicate the judicial function! Principles, self-respect! Against _that_? Don"t you suppose I was approached _through_ my principles and self-respect? Why, the Devil always takes a man on the very highest plane.
He knows all about our principles and self-respect, and what they"re made of. How the n.o.blest and purest attributes of our nature, with which we trap each other so easily, must amuse him! Pity, rect.i.tude, moral indignation, a blameless life,--he knows that they"re all instruments for him. No, sir! No more principles and self-respect for me,--I"ve had enough of them; there"s nothing for me but to run, and that"s what I"m going to do. But you"re quite right about the other thing, Atherton, and I give you a beggar"s thanks for telling me that my trouble isn"t mine alone, and I"ve no right to confide it to you. It is mine in the sense that no other soul is defiled with the knowledge of it, and I"m glad you saved me from the ghastly profanation, the sacrilege, of telling it. I was sneaking round for your sympathy; I did want somehow to shift the responsibility on to you; to get you--G.o.d help me!--to flatter me out of my wholesome fear and contempt of myself. Well! That"s past, now, and--Good night!" He abruptly turned away from Atherton and swung himself on his cane toward the door.
Atherton took up his hat and coat. "I"ll walk home with you," he said.
"All right," returned Halleck, listlessly.
"How soon shall you go?" asked the lawyer, when they were in the street.
"Oh, there"s a ship sailing from New York next week," said Halleck, in the same tone of weary indifference. "I shall go in that."
They talked desultorily of other things.
When they came to the foot of Clover Street, Halleck plucked his hand out of Atherton"s arm. "I"m going up through here!" he said, with sullen obstinacy.
"Better not," returned his friend, quietly.
"Will it hurt her if I stop to look at the outside of the house where she lives?"
"It will hurt you," said Atherton.
"I don"t wish to spare myself!" retorted Halleck. He shook off the touch that Atherton had laid upon his shoulder, and started up the hill; the other overtook him, and, like a man who has attempted to rule a drunkard by thwarting his freak, and then hopes to accomplish his end by humoring it, he pa.s.sed his arm through Halleck"s again, and went with him. But when they came to the house, Halleck did not stop; he did not even look at it; but Atherton felt the deep shudder that pa.s.sed through him.
In the week that followed, they met daily, and Halleck"s broken pride no longer stayed him from the shame of open self-pity and wavering purpose.
Atherton found it easier to persuade the clinging reluctance of the father and mother, than to keep Halleck"s resolution for him: Halleck could no longer keep it for himself. "Not much like the behavior of people we read of in similar circ.u.mstances," he said once. "_They_ never falter when they see the path of duty: they push forward without looking to either hand; or else," he added, with a hollow laugh at his own satire, "they turn their backs on it,--like men! Well!"
He grew gaunt and visibly feeble. In this struggle the two men changed places. The plan for Halleck"s flight was no longer his own, but Atherton"s; and when he did not rebel against it, he only pa.s.sively acquiesced. The decent pretence of ignorance on Atherton"s part necessarily disappeared: in all but words the trouble stood openly confessed between them, and it came to Atherton"s saying, in one of Halleck"s lapses of purpose, from which it had required all the other"s strength to lift him: "Don"t come to me any more, Halleck, with the hope that I shall somehow justify your evil against your good. I pitied you at first; but I blame you now."
"You"re atrocious," said Halleck, with a puzzled, baffled look. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that you secretly think you have somehow come by your evil virtuously; and you want me to persuade you that it is different from other evils of exactly the same kind,--that it is beautiful and sweet and pitiable, and not ugly as h.e.l.l and bitter as death, to be torn out of you mercilessly and flung from you with abhorrence. Well, I tell you that you are suffering guiltily, for no man suffers innocently from such a cause.
You must _go_, and you can"t go too soon. Don"t suppose that I find anything n.o.ble in your position. I should do you a great wrong if I didn"t do all I could to help you realize that you"re in disgrace, and that you"re only making a choice of shames in running away. Suppose the truth was known,--suppose that those who hold you dear could be persuaded of it,--could you hold up your head?"
"Do I hold up my head as it is?" asked Halleck. "Did you ever see a more abject dog than I am at this moment? Your wounds are faithful, Atherton; but perhaps you might have spared me this last stab. If you want to know, I can a.s.sure you that I don"t feel any melodramatic vainglory. I know that I"m running away because I"m beaten, but no other man can know the battle I"ve fought. Don"t you suppose I know how hideous this thing is? No one else can know it in all its ugliness!" He covered his face with his hands.
"You are right," he said, when he could find his voice. "I suffer guiltily.
I must have known it when I seemed to be suffering for pity"s sake; I knew it before, and when you said that love without marriage was a worse h.e.l.l than any marriage without love, you left me without refuge: I had been trying not to face the truth, but I had to face it then. I came away in h.e.l.l, and I have lived in h.e.l.l ever since. I had tried to think it was a crazy fancy, and put it on my failing health; I used to make believe that some morning I should wake and find the illusion gone. I abhorred it from the beginning as I do now; it has been torment to me; and yet somewhere in my lost soul--the blackest depth, I dare say!--this shame has been so sweet,--it is so sweet,--the one sweetness of life--Ah!" He dashed the weak tears from his eyes, and rose and b.u.t.toned his coat about him. "Well, I shall go. And I hope I shall never come back. Though you needn"t mention this to my father as an argument for my going when you talk me over with him," he added, with a glimmer of his wonted irony. He waited a moment, and then turned upon his friend, in sad upbraiding: "When I came to you a year and a half ago, after I had taken that ruffian home drunk to her--Why didn"t you warn me then, Atherton? Did you see any danger?"
Atherton hesitated: "I knew that, with your habit of suffering for other people, it would make you miserable; but I couldn"t have dreamed this would come of it. But you"ve never been out of your own keeping for a moment. You are responsible, and you are to blame if you are suffering now, and can find no safety for yourself but in running away."
"That"s true," said Halleck, very humbly, "and I won"t trouble you any more. I can"t go on sinning against her belief in me here, and live. I shall go on sinning against it there, as long as I live; but it seems to me the harm will be a little less. Yes, I will go."
But the night before he went, he came to Atherton"s lodging to tell him that he should not go; Atherton was not at home, and Halleck was spared this last dishonor. He returned to his father"s house through the rain that was beginning to fall lightly, and as he let himself in with his key Olive"s voice said, "It"s Ben!" and at the same time she laid her hand upon his arm with a nervous, warning clutch. "Hush! Come in here!" She drew him from the dimly lighted hall into the little reception-room near the door.
The gas was burning brighter there, and in the light he saw Marcia white and still, where she sat holding her baby in her arms. They exchanged no greeting: it was apparent that her being there transcended all usage, and that they need observe none.
"Ben will go home with you," said Olive, soothingly. "Is it raining?" she asked, looking at her brother"s coat. "I will get my water-proof."
She left them a moment. "I have been--been walking--walking about," Marcia panted. "It has got so dark--I"m--afraid to go home. I hate to--take you from them--the last--night."
Halleck answered nothing; he sat staring at her till Olive came back with the water-proof and an umbrella. Then, while his sister was putting the waterproof over Marcia"s shoulders, he said, "Let me take the little one,"
and gathered it, with or without her consent, from her arms into his. The baby was sleeping; it nestled warmly against him with a luxurious quiver under the shawl that Olive threw round it. "You can carry the umbrella," he said to Marcia.
They walked fast, when they got out into the rainy dark, and it was hard to shelter Halleck as he limped rapidly on. Marcia ran forward once, to see if her baby were safely kept from the wet, and found that Halleck had its little face pressed close between his neck and cheek. "Don"t be afraid," he said. "I"m looking out for it."
His voice sounded broken and strange, and neither of them spoke again till they came in sight of Marcia"s door. Then she tried to stop him. She put her hand on his shoulder. "Oh, I"m afraid--afraid to go in," she pleaded.
He halted, and they stood confronted in the light of a street lamp; her face was twisted with weeping. "Why are you afraid?" he demanded, harshly.
"We had a quarrel, and I--I ran away--I said that I would never come back.
I left him--"
"You must go back to him," said Halleck. "He"s your husband!" He pushed on again, saying over and over, as if the words were some spell in which he found safety, "You must go back, you must go back, you must go back!"
He dragged her with him now, for she hung helpless on his arm, which she had seized, and moaned to herself. At the threshold, "I can"t go in!" she broke out. "I"m afraid to go in! What will he say? What will he do? Oh, come in with me! You are good,--and then I shall not be afraid!"
"You must go in alone! No man can be your refuge from your husband! Here!"
He released himself, and, kissing the warm little face of the sleeping child, he pressed it into her arms. His fingers touched hers under the shawl; he tore his hand away with a shiver.
She stood a moment looking at the closed door; then she flung it open, and, pausing as if to gather her strength, vanished into the brightness within.
He turned, and ran crookedly down the street, wavering from side to side in his lameness, and flinging up his arms to save himself from falling as he ran, with a gesture that was like a wild and hopeless appeal.
x.x.xIV.
Marcia pushed into the room where she had left Bartley. She had no escape from her fate; she must meet it, whatever it was. The room was empty, and she began doggedly to search the house for him, up stairs and down, carrying the child with her. She would not have been afraid now to call him; but she had no voice, and she could not ask the servant anything when she looked into the kitchen. She saw the traces of the meal he had made in the dining-room, and when she went a second time to their chamber to lay the little girl down in her crib, she saw the drawers pulled open, and the things as he had tossed them about in packing his bag. She looked at the clock on the mantel--an extravagance of Bartley"s, for which she had scolded him--and it was only half past eight; she had thought it must be midnight.