"Why don"t you leave him?"
"I couldn"t go home, Howard. You know what it would be. Worse than Lily. And I"m too old to start out by myself. My habits are formed, and besides, I--" She checked herself.
"I could take a house somewhere for both of you, Lily and yourself," he said eagerly; "that would be a wonderful way out for everybody."
She shook her head.
"We"ll manage all right," she said. "I"ll make Lily comfortable and as happy as I can."
He felt that he had to make his own case clear, or he might have noticed with what care she was choosing her words. His father"s age, his unconscious dependence on Grace, his certainty to retire soon from the arbitrary stand he had taken. Elinor hardly heard him. Months afterwards he was to remember the distant look in her eyes, a sort of half-frightened determination, but he was self-engrossed just then.
"I can"t persuade you?" he finished.
"No. But it is good of you to think of it."
"You know what the actual trouble was last night? It was not her coming here."
"I know, Howard."
"Don"t let her marry him, Nellie! Better than any one, you ought to know what that would mean."
"I knew too, Howard, but I did it."
In the end he went away not greatly comforted, to fight his own battles, to meet committees from the union, and having met them, to find himself facing the fact that, driven by some strange urge he could not understand, the leaders wished a strike. There were times when he wondered what would happen if he should suddenly yield every point, make every concession. They would only make further demands, he felt. They seemed determined to put him out of business. If only he could have dealt with the men directly, instead of with their paid representatives, he felt that he would get somewhere. But always, interposed between himself and his workmen, was this barrier of their own erecting.
It was like representative government. It did not always represent.
It, too, was founded on representation in good faith; but there was not always good faith. The union system was wrong. It was like politics. The few handled the many. The union, with its all-powerful leaders, was only another form of autocracy. It was Prussian. Yet the ideal behind the union was sound enough.
He had no quarrel with the union. He puzzled it out, traveling unaccustomed mental paths. The country was founded on liberty. All men were created free and equal. Free, yes, but equal? Was not equality a long way ahead along a th.o.r.n.y road? Men were not equal in the effort they made, nor did equal efforts bring equal result. If there was cla.s.s antagonism behind all this unrest, would there not always be those who rose by dint of ceaseless effort? Equality of opportunity, yes. Equality of effort and result, no.
To destroy the chance of gain was to put a premium on inertia; to kill ambition; to reduce the high without raising the low.
At noon on the same day w.i.l.l.y Cameron went back to the house on Cardew Way, to find Lily composed and resigned, instead of the militant figure he had expected. He asked her to go home, and she told him then that she had no longer a home to go to.
"I meant to go, w.i.l.l.y," she finished. "I meant to go this morning. But you see how things are."
He had stood for a long time, looking at nothing very hard. "I see," he said finally. "Of course your grandfather will be sorry in a day or two, but he may not swallow his pride very soon."
That rather hurt her.
"What about my pride?" she asked.
"You can afford to be magnanimous with all your life before you." Then he faced her. "Besides, Lily, you"re wrong. Dead wrong. You"ve hurt three people, and all you"ve got out of it has been your own way."
"There is such a thing as liberty."
"I don"t know about that. And a good many crimes have been committed in its name." Even in his unhappiness he was controversial. "We are never really free, so long as we love people, and they love us. Well--" He picked up his old felt hat and absently turned down the brim; it was raining. "I"ll have to get back. I"ve overstayed my lunch hour as it is."
"You haven"t had any luncheon?"
"I wasn"t hungry," he had said, and had gone away, his coat collar turned up against the shower. Lily had had a presentiment that he was taking himself out of her life, that he had given her up as a bad job.
She felt depressed and lonely, and not quite so sure of herself as she had been; rather, although she did not put it that way, as though something fine had pa.s.sed her way, like Pippa singing, and had then gone on.
She settled down as well as she could to her new life, making no plans, however, and always with the stricken feeling that she had gained her own point at the cost of much suffering. She telephoned to her mother daily, broken little conversations with long pauses while Grace steadied her voice. Once her mother hung up the receiver hastily, and Lily guessed that her grandfather had come in. She felt very bitter toward him.
But she found the small oneage interesting, in a quiet way; to make her own bed and mend her stockings--Grace had sent her a trunkful of clothing; and on the elderly maid"s afternoon out, to help Elinor with the supper. She seldom went out, but Louis Akers came daily, and on the sixth day of her stay she promised to marry him.
She had not meant to do it, but it was difficult to refuse him. She had let him think she would do it ultimately, for one thing. And, however clearly she might a.n.a.lyze him in his absences, his strange attraction rea.s.serted itself when he was near. But her acceptance of him was almost stoical.
"But not soon, Louis," she said, holding him off. "And--I ought to tell you--I don"t think we will be happy together."
"Why not?"
"Because--" she found it hard to put into words--"because love with you is a sort of selfish thing, I think."
"I"ll lie down now and let you tramp on me," he said exultantly, and held out his arms. But even as she moved toward him she voiced her inner perplexity.
"I never seem to be able to see myself married to you."
"Then the sooner the better, so you can."
"You won"t like being married, you know."
"That"s all you know about it, Lily. I"m mad about you. I"m mad for you."
There was a new air of maturity about Lily those days, and sometimes a sort of aloofness that both maddened him and increased his desire to possess her. She went into his arms, but when he held her closest she sometimes seemed farthest away.
"I want you now."
"I want to be engaged a long time, Louis. We have so much to learn about each other."
He thought that rather childish. But whatever had been his motive in the beginning, he was desperately in love with her by that time, and because of that he frightened her sometimes. He was less sure of himself, too, even after she had accepted him, and to prove his continued dominance over her he would bully her.
"Come here," he would say, from the hearth rug, or by the window.
"Certainly not."
"Come here."
Sometimes she went, to be smothered in his hot embrace; sometimes she did not.
But her infatuation persisted, although there were times when his inordinate vitality and his caresses gave her a sense of physical weariness, times when sheer contact revolted her. He seemed always to want to touch her. Fastidiously reared, taught a sort of aloofness from childhood, Lily found herself wondering if all men in love were like that, always having to be held off.
CHAPTER XX
Ellen was staying at the Boyd house. She went downstairs the morning after her arrival, and found the bread--bakery bread--toasted and growing cold on the table, while a slice of ham, ready to be cooked, was not yet on the fire, and Mrs. Boyd had run out to buy some milk.