"Ah, I have not been able to!" he said, clutching his head. Again he sat down by Delesof. "I will tell you," he went on to say, almost in a whisper.
"I can"t go: I can"t play there. I have nothing, nothing at all,--no clothes, no home, no violin. It"s a wretched life,--a wretched life!" he repeated the phrase. "Yes, and why have I got into such a state? Why, indeed? It ought not to have been," said he, smiling. "_Akh! Don Juan._"
And he struck his head.
"Now let us have something to eat," said Delesof.
Albert, without replying, sprang up, seized the violin, and began to play the _finale_ of the first act of "Don Juan," accompanying it with a description of the scene in the opera.
Delesof felt the hair stand up on his head, when he played the voice of the dying commander.
"No, I cannot play to-night," said Albert, laying down the instrument. "I have been drinking too much." But immediately after he went to the table, poured out a br.i.m.m.i.n.g gla.s.s of wine, drank it at one gulp, and again sat down on the bed near Delesof.
Delesof looked steadily at Albert. The latter occasionally smiled, and Delesof returned his smile. Neither of them spoke, but the glance and smile brought them close together into a reciprocity of affection. Delesof felt that he was growing constantly fonder and fonder of this man, and he experienced an inexpressible pleasure.
"Were you ever in love?" he asked suddenly. Albert remained sunk in thought for a few seconds, then his face lighted up with a melancholy smile. He bent over toward Delesof, and gazed straight into his eyes.
"Why did you ask me that question?" he whispered. "But I will tell you all about it. I like you," he added, after a few moments of thought, and glancing around. "I will not deceive you, I will tell you all, just as it was, from the beginning." He paused, and his eyes took on a strange wild appearance. "You know that I am weak in judgment," he said suddenly. "Yes, yes," he continued. "Anna Ivanovna has told you about it. She tells everybody that I am crazy. It isn"t true, she says it for a joke; she is a good woman, but I really have not been quite well for some time." Albert paused again, and stood up, gazing with wide-opened eyes at the dark door.
"You asked me if I had ever been in love. Yes, I have been in love," he whispered, raising his brows. "That happened long ago; it was at a time when I still had a place at the theatre. I went to play second violin at the opera, and she came into a parquet box at the left."
Albert stood up, and bent over to Delesof"s ear. "But no," said he, "why should I mention her name? You probably know her, everybody knows her. I said nothing, but simply looked at her: I knew that I was a poor artist, and she an aristocratic lady. I knew that very well. I only looked at her, and had no thoughts."
Albert paused for a moment, as though making sure of his recollections.
"How it happened I know not, but I was invited once to accompany her on my violin.... Now I was only a poor artist!" he repeated, shaking his head and smiling. "But no, I cannot tell you, I cannot!" he exclaimed, again clutching his head. "How happy I was!"
"What? did you go to her house often?" asked Delesof.
"Once, only once.... But it was my own fault; I wasn"t in my right mind. I was a poor artist, and she an aristocratic lady. I ought not to have spoken to her. But I lost my senses, I committed a folly. Petrof told me the truth: "It would have been better only to have seen her at the theatre.""
"What did you do?" asked Delesof.
"Ah! wait, wait, I cannot tell you that."
And, hiding his face in his hands, he said nothing for some time.
"I was late at the orchestra. Petrof and I had been drinking that evening, and I was excited. She was sitting in her box, and talking with some general. I don"t know who that general was. She was sitting at the very edge of the box, with her arm resting on the rim. She wore a white dress, with pearls on her neck. She was talking with him, but she looked at me.
Twice she looked at me. She had arranged her hair in such a becoming way! I stopped playing, and stood near the ba.s.s, and gazed at her. Then, for the first time, something strange took place in me. She smiled on the general, but she looked at me. I felt certain that she was talking about me; and suddenly I seemed to be not in my place in the orchestra, but was standing in her box, and seizing her hand in that place. What was the meaning of that?" asked Albert, after a moment"s silence.
"A powerful imagination," said Delesof.
"No, no, ... I cannot tell," said Albert frowning. "Even then I was poor. I hadn"t any room; and when I went to the theatre, I sometimes used to sleep there."
"What, in the theatre?" asked Delesof.
"Ah! I am not afraid of these stupid things. Ah! just wait a moment. As soon as everybody was gone, I went to that box where she had been sitting, and slept there. That was my only pleasure. How many nights I spent there!
Only once again did I have that experience. At night many things seemed to come to me. But I cannot tell you much about them." Albert contracted his brows, and looked at Delesof. "What did it mean?" he asked.
"It was strange," replied the other.
"No, wait, wait!" he bent over to his ear, and said in a whisper,--
"I kissed her hand, wept there before her, and said many things to her. I heard the fragrance of her sighs, I heard her voice. She said many things to me that one night. Then I took my violin, and began to play softly. And I played beautifully. But it became terrible to me. I am not afraid of such stupid things, and I don"t believe in them, but my head felt terribly," he said, smiling sweetly, and moving his hand over his forehead. "It seemed terrible to me on account of my poor mind; something happened in my head.
Maybe it was nothing; what do you think?"
Neither spoke for several minutes.
_"Und wenn die Wolken sie verhullen, Die Sonne bleibt doch ewig klar._[54]"
hummed Albert, smiling gently. "That is true, isn"t it?" he asked.
_"Ich auch habe gelebt und genossen."_[55]
[Footnote 54:
E"en though the clouds may veil it, The sun shines ever clear.
[Footnote 55:
I also have lived and rejoiced.
"Ah, old man Petrof! how this would have made things clear to you!"
Delesof, in silence and with dismay, looked at his companion"s excited and colorless face.
"Do you know the Juristen waltzes?" suddenly asked Albert in a loud voice, and without waiting for an answer, jumped up, seized the violin, and began to play the waltz. In absolute self-forgetfulness, and evidently imagining that a whole orchestra was playing for him, Albert smiled, began to dance, to shuffle his feet, and to play admirably.
"Hey, we will have a good time!" he exclaimed, as he ended, and waved his violin. "I am going," said he, after sitting down in silence for a little.
"Won"t you come along too?"
"Where?" asked Delesof in surprise.
"Let us go to Anna Ivanovna"s again. It"s gay there,--bustle, people, music."
Delesof for a moment was almost persuaded. However, coming to his senses, he promised Albert that he would go with him the next day.
"I should like to go this minute."
"Indeed, I wouldn"t go."
Albert sighed, and laid down the violin.
"Shall I stay, then?" He looked over at the table, but the wine was gone; and so, wishing him a good-night, he left the room.
Delesof rang. "Look here," said he to Zakhar, "don"t let Mr. Albert go anywhere without asking me about it first."