"You left the files in the woods Mr. Smith. Not me. Don"t start blaming me."
"Nothing to do with the files. I like to be easy. Informal."
"If you don"t want me around anymore, Mr. Smith say so. Don"t think I like all this tension too."
"I"m talking about that gun there."
"What about it."
"That"s what I want to know. Miss Martin."
"Well what do you want to know. Mr. Smith."
"Don"t be abrupt Miss Martin."
"Look I"m not going to shoot you with the rifle if that"s what you"re scared of."
"I"m not scared."
"Well what are you asking then."
"Why you have it."
"Don"t you know. I"m on a rifle team. I told you. Guess you didn"t hear me with all the beer cans banging back there."
Long hard moments. Miss Martin who was putting on fat belligerently, staring into Smith"s reasonably honest globes. What harm a few beers. In the office. When one is commander in chief. Big cheese in this two personal outfit. Once ruled a regiment, Miss Martin. Howitzers sh.e.l.ling those positions I figured out in my little wooden shack well behind the lines. A flash focus of the enemy in a field gla.s.s. And whamo. But in peace time I take a beer or two while I stare down the clause of a contract and the rebellious beam from my secretary"s eye. Morning is no moment for a showdown. Wait till the day wears on. Dim the sparkle in her cheeks. Now apple red. Make a lot of money, gladly lose a lot of friends. Once poor and popular. Now rich and reptile.
"Any letters."
"One registered I signed for. Two threats. And one bill."
"What"s the bill."
"Mr. Brandy, funeral director, embalmer-"
"What is it."
"Don"t shout. I"m just telling you. What it says here, for the afternoon and evening hire and misuse and additional damages of one hea.r.s.e."
"O.K. enough, what"s the registered one."
Miss Martin with her little efficient opener. Pulling out the paper. From here I can see a black letter head. Miss Martin silently reading.
"What is it, Miss Martin."
"I think you better read this yourself Mr. Smith. Mailman said they"ve been trying to deliver this for days in Golf Street."
Smith with a thumping heart. Holding the stiff unrelenting paper in such small delicate hands.
Sun Shine & Son Bicuspid House Paradise Square Of This Instrumental.
Mr. George Smith 3 3 Golf Street And new of Room 604 Dynamo House Dear Sir, On a Wednesday of the ipth ultimo, at 3.34 P.M. (approx.) o"clock at Battery Station of the Rapid Transit system of this city you made an unprovoked and savage attack upon our client, Mr. Harry Halitoid which resulted in a knockment into the tracks of the said system where there was a sustainment of considerable head and body injury.
Therefore and in view of the heretofore we furthermore establish that our client who is positioned as a master Boiler Watcher at a prominent hospital where many wealthy people have been treated has been unable to preside at work for two weeks, during which the hospital steam has been making unfamiliar pounding noises in the pipes upsetting the inmates and our client himself has been under the care of doctors and night nurses, one of whom is a specialist in soft foods. The upper incisors as well as one canine and one bicuspid are missing from our client"s jaw, obliging him to eat slops. Although two teeth were recovered which were knocked from said mandible our client has suffered much mental cruelty and disspirit when he has attempted to smile while having to tour important personages around the boilers.
By way of damages we are asking a sum to offset the physical and mental distress endured by our client as well as making good the suit of clothes which suffered spoilment in the tracks, plus a further stipulated monthly payment as our client is now forced to go through the rest of his life with an unfriendly outlook.
Failing to reach a satisfactory agreement with you regarding rest.i.tution and arrangements we advise you that we have been instructed by our client, who has desisted to press charges, to take immediate steps.
Yours truly (very) Sun Shine & Son.
Smith leaning against the doorjamb. Brood over all die many folk who have skidded on the snake oil. Strange how when pa.s.sing by the sign across the hall of The Inst.i.tution Of Higher Graduation, one wanted to crash through the door and land inside begging on one"s knees for a scroll.
Smith disappearing into the back room. Returning four minutes later with a paper. Putting it before Miss Martin.
Ward 17 Blockhouse II Island of the Criminal Lunatic Day-light Saving Time Sun Shine & Son Bicuspid House Paradise Square.
Dear Sirs, I am indifferent to the ultimo. But while here at the inst.i.tution I have made many good friends, some of whom are often discharged as cured. Upon requiring further communication from me, one of these absolutely cured formerly violent lunatic criminals will deliver my further reprisals by hand.
Yours sincerely, I. Belt (Warder) Dictated by George Smith and signed in his absence.
P.S. While dictating, a roving committee of armed warders on a show of hands have elected to discharge me as cured, further reoccurring lapses to be dealt with at an out clinic.P.P.S. Respectfully hoping you are not a cavity in the tooth where you live.
Miss Martin standing. Trembling with Smith"s letter in her hand. Her mouth opening, then closing.
"What"s the matter, Miss Martin."
One hand reaching across her brow, Miss Martin slowly back stepped to the shiny horse hair sofa. Sitting bent forward on the edge, hand now dropping across her eyes. Smith in waistcoat, sleeves rolled up. Lifting the left foot on top of the right. Ruin a good shine. Feel stark naked with my battle ribbons and medals pinned to my skin.
Everything is the matter/1 "Is it the letter."
Miss Martin shaking her head. Hair swinging out from her ears. Which I felt and kissed and whispered round. These last weeks such a strain. As she comes late to work. In the back room I lurk desperately to find something for her to do. She"s changed since the night of Pomfret Manor. Looking so matronly sitting there on the horsehair.
"Can I get you a pill, Miss Martin, Goodness."
Smith rushing forward as Miss Martin gently keeled over on her side and lay breathing heavily, slightly snorting through the nose. Some terrible instinct comes and you want to jump right on top of her. That in her sorrow and sadness one might take her from behind. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s have got so big. Milk ice cold from a cow. Go through the rest of my life now by mute card or beep. Miss Tomson, who could walk across the town in two tall strides. Tonight I"ll go haunting terminals, and lobbies for you. One swat on one jaw on a station platform. And a hook goes fishing in my a.s.sets.
Miss Martin"s eyes closed. Her breathing heavy. Smith lifting her legs and tucking them in on the sofa. Turning back to his room and standing in front of a round mirror. Lathered on a cloud of shaving cream. Unfold this long razor, and lay it against the flesh. Trip down all these mighty little hairs. High up out of the air shaft planes fly over, buzzing and rattling the window panes.
A dog"s bark out in the corridor of Dynamo House. Smith stiffening in the back room of 604. Wiping face with the pink towel, pulling down pink shirt and b.u.t.toning cuffs. Throwing arms into jacket and straightening tie. Past Miss Martin still snoring on the couch. Peeking out the door and down the hall. Edging slowly back in again. Out there a man and a brown crippled dog. Who lays down every few feet to rest, panting. And the man leaning over to pat its head kindly while he looked at the numbers of the doors. The aristocratic back, carriage, hair and dishevelled clothes. Bonniface. Sporting brown attire. Just slip by now and down the opposite stairs. Leave Miss Martin to his mercy. You wretch, Smith. Remember. Clementine, burier of Miss Tomson"s dog. In the pet cemetery not far from The Goose Goes Inn. Bonniface reserves n.o.bility while the rest of us have none.
Smith escaping down the side stairs. Across the lobby of Dynamo House and out the wagging doors into a sunny friendly street. Treasury clock bell tolls noon. Raise a hand to shout for a taxi. And another hand comes down to rest gently on a shoulder. And turn to face a warm sad smile.
"Smith. Ah Smith. What about some beer and onions. You think I vault the statues of public peace, safety and justice and land in that little area they call amnesty. You think that. This is my faithful friend here. He is a dog. He is old and tired now, walks only few steps at a time. Then he must lie down and rest till the energy comes back. But I am his friend too, I wait, we both go forward together. Make each other"s life worth while. He nice dog. He called Mr. Mystery. Nice name. Ah George you go so grey. You worry too much."
"How do you do, Bonniface."
"Come George. Flag this taxi here. Come. Pick up Mr. Mystery. Mr. Mystery, do not growl at George, he had to be mean to make money. But meanness, niceness, it"s all the same. Often nice to be mean and mean to be nice. My G.o.d George I"m going absolutely demented in this town. I do not know what you do but many rumours fly about you. Mr. Jiffy said you were cunning, astute. You escaped with the most beautiful woman. Abandoned your comely secretary. Left me in the ice house."
"Sorry Bonniface, I can"t come. I have an urgent matter to attend."
"Ah George. Listen to me. Her Majesty is in town. You greet that news with silence. Come now get in this taxi with Mr. Mystery and me."
"No."
Taxi driver slowly turning round. Honking horns behind in the street.
"Hey look gentlemen. Already I"m taking a crippled dog in my cab, maybe fleas,how do I know."
"Come George. Don"t have a mental struggle. Come. I"ll tell you where you can find Her Majesty. I know how badly you would like to know. Don"t fight it. And become a sad victim of will power. Melt it down, reharden it later, even harder. Let laxity triumph."
Smith entering the cab. To speed down Owl Street by the fish market, by the vegetable Pushcart Market under the bridge, to the left, along by a narrow dusty park of benches draped with sprawling men. And further up a cobblestone avenue.
"Smith do you shake hands with yourself in the morning because of loneliness. You desert wife and children. Climb in this cab at the mention of Her Majesty. Never-mind reasons. Mr. Jiffy has a.s.sisted me. Gave me a letter of introduction to a man who owns airplanes. Many many airplanes. He say, Mr. Clementine, you have beautiful manners, let me hire you to run my airport. Ah, George, surprise. Think I touch you for money. Or fill your life with fear. Not me. I just want to talk. Put you on the right track. Give you back your faith in people. They are not out to get you George, you imagine it."
Cab turning into a tenement street Of broken houses and steps. Garbage pouring out of cans. Taxi stopping in front of a little green facade of plate gla.s.s window and lace curtain. Bonniface slowly clinking change in the driver"s hand. Said he was not tipping as it was a holy week in his religion. Two figures entering this establishment. The tallest of them with his arms full of dog.
At a washed maple table. Inside this cool and calm interior. Poinsettiae on a shelf. Calendar with a sunset and nude girl ankle deep in surf. Bonniface smilingly toting beer, bread and onion slices over to the sad dark suited Smith. And bending with a special serving to slip between the yellowing jaws of Mr. Mystery.
"O.K. George, tell me the truth. What are you up to in Dynamo House. In the Cabin in the woods. In the Merry Mansions. In the Renown Cemetery."
"Where is Her Majesty."
"Smith, you pant for Her Majesty, old enough to be your mother. Have a flower for your b.u.t.tonhole. And for you under there Mr. Mystery, another slice of onion. Get yourself a dog, George, ere long. Be a true friend to animals. See how he wags. Eyes sad but full of friendship. Someone pushed him out to die, you realise that George."
"Where"s Her Majesty."
"Ah now. Patience. Look over there. Those old men play chess. Remember a certain five o"clock on a chilly late autumn day. Across the seas. Turf smoke. Leaves gone from the trees in the square. I came like a moth to a light in the gloomy afternoon, George. Your white coated servant let me in. You gave me a green bowl of tea. I said thank you. How was I to know then that you would deliberately pursue a life of secrecy and possibly shame. All gaiety defunk. Maybe you like men, George. And surround yourself with wife, kiddies, secretaries and girl friends as a blind. You can tell me. I"m frequently having my privates interfered with in this town. Stay off the transit. Stay out of the bed linen market, the outdoor jewelry market."
Smith standing. Bonniface reaching over with a hand pressing it down on his shoulder. Smith collapsing back on the chair.
"George, don"t go. Have some recreation. Then promise to bring you straight to Her Majesty. Look at Mr. Mystery down there. Used to like lady dogs in his prime. Bow wow he went. h.e.l.lo lady doggie. Sniff sniff. Naughty Mystery. Nice lady dog. Lift leg on corner stones and parked motor wheels. I am in command George, walk out on the ap.r.o.n of the airport, hand extended to a celebrity and say, please, this way, with the compliments of Motor Bird Inc. Refreshment is set up. At the flick of a cuff link I am of service."
Smith looking down upon his cool beer. Foam gently climbing the edge of the gla.s.s. A thick slab of onion. Deeply worn smooth grain of the table. The light eyes of Bonniface. Whose earthly wish he once said was to be taken back into history and there be a.s.signed four porters to fetch him to various breweries on a throne.
"George listen to me. Never let your capability get confounded. I know you"ve found the mammoth nipple. Have it hidden somewhere in this town. Look out the window and watch the cars. When they stop flowing that"s the time to worry. You rich. Me banjaxed. Wait, don"t go."
"Bonniface, I"m going. You and Mr. Mystery stay. But I must go. Urgently."
Bonniface rising, bowing. Mr. Mystery flapping his tail on the floor.
"George I will tell you the whereabouts of Her Majesty when you come back."
Smith entering a delicatessen across the street. After much heated and hilarious argument he bought a paper bag from the proprietor who said they were for customers to carry a purchase. Smith reaching a fast settlement, buying the air rights within the said container. Stepping outside, late lunch stampede on the pavements. Smith into a cab. At a traffic light, driver shouting epithets out the window at another taxi. Why don"t you smoke a bomb. Why don"t you dig a grave and drop dead. Lights go green. To sadness and deals. And every man"s hope.
To get In her Without A wedding.
17.
IN front of a tall marble building. Gigantic bronze doors. Smith entering this emporium of finance with his paper bag. Late noonday sun beaming from high barred windows and warming Smith"s dark shoulders as he wrote on a little piece of paper. Standing in a line of fidgeting depositors. A breast distinctly shoving him in the back. The mammoth nipple Bonnif ace mentioned. front of a tall marble building. Gigantic bronze doors. Smith entering this emporium of finance with his paper bag. Late noonday sun beaming from high barred windows and warming Smith"s dark shoulders as he wrote on a little piece of paper. Standing in a line of fidgeting depositors. A breast distinctly shoving him in the back. The mammoth nipple Bonnif ace mentioned.
Smith"s turn. Pushing across his little piece of paper. To a Mister Cheer it said on a little sign, whose face blossomed and nearly flew with friendship. Wide bow tie for a propeller. Who thought for one amazed second it was a stickup.
"One moment, Sir."
"I can"t spare it."
"O.".
"In rather a hurry."
"Well you see, I"ll have to clarify the situation Mr. Smith. I mean is it for the payoff."
"I beg your pardon. Do I have to sue you and this bank for aspersion."
"But a cheque this size for cash, well I"m supposed to clarify."
"How dare you."
"I could lose my job. This is an awful lot of money."
"You suggesting that I am attempting to commit fraud."
"No sir."
"Then instantly fulfil the sum of that cheque, in brand new notes."
"Mr. Smith I know you must be nervous over being sued. I mean supposing there was some miscalculation in your account, sir."
"Are you suggesting errors, that the balance forward is a wrong number. And what do you mean by sued and payoff/* "You"re putting words into my mouth. Only want to verify the clarification of balance for your convenience."
"My convenience is that you answer this cheque in cash instantly or I shall take steps to deal with your first aspersions. Cast irresponsibly on my character."
"I"ll do just as you say. I"m new at this branch. I mean anyone can lose control and attack."
Mr. Cheer like employees everywhere is uttering irrelevancies. Perspiration on his brow now dripping on the banknotes. Fingers peeling up their edges, knuckles banging the marble, making one little neat pile next to another.
"You want to count this yourself, Mr. Smith."
"I measure by eye. Put one more on that pile you"ll be right."
"Better count this again."