"What does that have to do with our business?" said Larissa. "We"re not going to Pooncarie, are we?" Challenging him to speak up.
"Guess not," he said to the road. "Though I would"ve liked for you to see it."
"Would you."
And then nothing for another hundred miles.
"You would"ve liked the horses," he said. "You"ve been on a horse, right?"
"Yes, Kai, we went together in Maui. Up to the volcanos, remember? Horses scare me, though. They"re unpredictable."
"Yeah, they"re large powerful animals. But they"re incredibly resilient. They do well in the desert."
"Like camels. But Jindabyne is not the desert, Kai," she said.
Another hundred miles.
"Was Nalini okay when you left? She wasn"t upset?"
"Upset? Nah," said Larissa. "She was fine."
"Really? You wrote she brushed your hair, braided it. She tried to get you to pray. You two sounded cute together."
"She"s a sweet kid," said Larissa. "But it"s not me she wants." Her arms crunched around her stomach, to keep the falling from the pit of herself.
"Funny," Kai said. "From your letters, she sounded like she might"ve given you a harder time about leaving."
"No, she was quite nonchalant about the whole thing." Larissa couldn"t tell even him the truth. Well, why not? Was he telling her the truth?
Another hundred miles.
They got to Jindabyne after lunch. Kai suggested crashing at Bart and Bianca"s which Larissa thought was a dumb suggestion, but what she craftily said was, "We haven"t seen each other for three months. Privacy might be good, don"t you think?"
He agreed, but not before saying, "I haven"t seen Bart and Bianca either."
"You"re not having s.e.x with Bart and Bianca," returned Larissa irritably.
"Okay," Kai said. "But after twenty minutes, then what?"
When she stared him down, he said, rolling his eyes, "Just kidding. Sheesh."
They rented a room at the Crackenback Inn, the place they first stayed at when they came to Jindabyne, by the alpine lake in the glaze of a valley, surrounded by the Australian Alps. For a few extra dollars they got a white chalet on the water, with a balcony and a fireplace. Larissa was trying to recreate the sense of awe they both had back then, to be here, to have each other, to be alone. But awe is a funny thing. Awe: reverential respect mixed with fear and wonder. Only one of those words could still be applied to Larissa"s current state of beinga"one more accurately described as dread.
In the morning she said to Kai, let"s take a ride, talk to Darien, our old buddy at Snowy River Real Estate. He"ll find us something to rent. She got all dressed up and smiley, but after an hour Kai was still in bed. "You go," he said. "I"m not feeling well. I think I"m coming down with something. Been working too hard. You go, and then if you see something you like, come get me and I"ll go take a look."
"Are you serious? You want me to go by myself?" He seemed serious, because he was still in bed, face in the pillow.
"I do." His voice was m.u.f.fled. "Or let"s wait till tomorrow. I"m sure I"ll feel better then."
Had she not read his letter to Muriel, Larissa wouldn"t have known what to make of him. But she had. And still she didn"t know what to make of him. She had zero interest in bringing the letter up. She called Darien and went out without Kai, filled with that "dread" part of awe, hoping that if she found them a lovely place, it would make everything better.
She found four lovely places, one better than the next. Two had spectacular access to the lake, and the one on the Banjo Patterson Crescent was brand spanking new, with wood floors and a fireplace, a terrace and bay windows. It was unfurnished and the price was right. She couldn"t believe it hadn"t been rented.
"Just came on the market yesterday," Darien said. "It won"t be around past the weekend, I guarantee it."
She dragged Kai to Banjo House that afternoon. Kai, still mopey and not feeling well, didn"t like it. "It"s too bright, too much sun, everything we have will fade."
"What will fade?" said Larissa. "We have nothing."
Slowly blinking into the distance, Kai shook his head. "It"s too new. It feels like a hospital, all white and prim. Don"t like it. Got anything else?"
"Not at the moment," said Darien, eyeing Kai with spectacular disdain.
Larissa asked Darien for a few minutes alone.
"No matter how many minutes alone we have," Kai said to her, "I"m not going to like it any better."
"Kai, look at this place! It"s cleaner, larger, nicer than the Rainbow Drive bungalow, which you said was the best place you ever lived!"
"Clearly I was mistaken."
"Is this an excuse?" she demanded to know. "Is there some other reason you don"t like them?"
"Why are you always looking for an ulterior motive? I just don"t like them. Why can"t we leave it at that?" He looked pale and tired. His mouth was tight. The shorn head made him look gaunt, haunted.
"We have to find a place to live soon. We can"t stay at the waterfront chalet forever."
He wasn"t convinced. As in, why can"t we? Or worse. I know we can"t, his stiff and apathetic body language seemed to be saying, but I don"t have another solution.
She told Darien they were going to think about it, but the next afternoon when she called, the realtor told her the place had already been rented. Larissa was intensely disappointed.
"It wasn"t meant for us," Kai said, strumming his ukulele, sitting on the balcony. "If it was meant for us, we would have it."
"We don"t have it because you said no to it!"
He kept looking out onto the water and the mountains. He said nothing. Strum, strum, something lonely in a minor key, with lows and lows and hollows in the notes.
She tried to humor him. Would you like to go for a bicycle ride in the mountains? Would you like to so swimming? The pool is heated. Would you like to go bowling?
"Larissa, which part of I"m not feeling up to it don"t you understand?"
"The part where I don"t understand what"s on your mind," she said to him after another two days of sitting and staring at the lake had pa.s.sed. What"s the matter with you, she wanted to ask. Why are you acting like this? Man up, Kai.
He repeated that he was coming down with a bug, though he had no fever and no outward symptoms of debilitation. How Larissa wished she hadn"t snooped on the letter to Muriel. She didn"t want Kai to say he didn"t want to stay here. After Paranaque, Jindabyne had suddenly acquired a mystical appeal. The lake was beautiful. The weather was beautiful. The snow-capped mountains surrounding Crackenback and Jindabyne were beautiful. The trees, the hills, the friendly people, everything was beautiful. Hoping for a crack in the bad mood, she kept asking Kai every night if he wanted to go to dinner with Bart and Bianca, and he kept saying no. Do you want to go for a drink with Patrick? No. You don"t want to go to Balcony Bar and hang out?
No.
And worse than that: the refusals kept coming even when she asked him to go shopping with her for their business.
"Kai," she said, "we need two new tents; the old ones ripped. We need eight fishing lines. We need two more blankets, four flasks, a new cooler, disposable cameras, a cell phone."
"We have a cell phone." He waved it at her. "I reactivated our service in Pooncarie, knowing we"d be needing it." Because no one went upstream without having even a weak signal in case of dire emergency.
"You reactivated our service in Pooncarie?" Larissa asked quietly, her brows knitting together.
"What"s the big deal?"
"And didn"t write to let me know so I could call you?"
"I just had it done! I didn"t do it two months ago but last week because I knew we"d be needing it in Jindabyne. Geez, Larissa. What is this?"
"Okay, scratch cell phone," she said after a few moments of digesting his words. "But our first-aid kit is down. It needs restocking. And the season starts in a week."
"I know." He sighed.
"Do you want me to go get these items myself?"
"No. Yes. I don"t know."
"We have to do something," she beseeched him. "We already have the first tour set up." They got the reservations and the deposits through the Thredbo Valley Tourism and Visitors a.s.sociation website. They had always used the site to advertise their guided bushwalk and got quite a lot of international business that way. "What do you want to do, cancel it? We"d have to return all the deposits."
"No, we shouldn"t cancel it." He just sat strumming the strings, seven minor sevens in a row, like a broken blues scale.
She perched close to him on the balcony, leaning against the little tea table for support. "Is everything okay, Kai?"
"Of course. It"s fine."
"Well, we need the tents. Otherwise four of our clients are going to be sleeping on the rocks by the Murray with salmon under their heads."
"You"re right," he said finally, not looking at her, staring out onto the lake. "We"ll go get the stuff we need. Do you want to shower first?"
Larissa went first. At least something was happening.
When she came out, still wet, Kai was frantically pacing around the living room. It wasn"t the same Kai who had just twenty minutes earlier been sitting on the balcony like a slumping lump, like inert matter. "Plans have changed slightly," he said, twitching. "I just got a call from Billy-O."
"Oh." She was towel-drying her hair. "I didn"t hear the phone ring."
He stopped moving to glare at her. "You were in the shower," he said. "It"s a little trill. How could you have heard?"
"That"s true." She didn"t want a fight. "What did he want?"
"Actually, he needs a huge favor from me." Kai resumed his caged walk across the hotel room. "He"s out on a brumbie runa"you know he"s a rover, he goes out into the bush for the feral horses, brings them back, sells them, or keeps them, but he"s starting his new trail ride business in a week and he just realized he hasn"t planned his course, and unfortunately he has to submit the guided tour route to the Broken Hill Tourism Board and Review so they can approve it and post it on their website, but he"s away and can"t do it. He begged me to come and mark the trails for him. Because otherwise the deadline will pa.s.s and he won"t be able to do the trail rides till next year and he"s counting on the income as a major part of his new business model." Kai was panting.
"I thought it was the only part of his new business model," said Larissa.
"I told him about what we did here," Kai continued without breaking stride, "and he is really keen on trying it but with horses."
"I know all about his interest in the trail tour." Larissa stopped towel-drying her hair. "When does he want you to do this?"
"Like right now."
"As ina"
"Look, this is what we"ll do. I"ll go, mark the trail tomorrow, and I"ll come straight back on Thursday. You and I will go shopping on Friday, in plenty of time before the start of the season." He smiled at her, a beaming smile, the first one of the week. "Sounds like a plan?"
"A lame one," she said. "But I don"t understand this agitation of yours. Explain to me why you"ve been dragging your feet the last few days? You didn"t know Billy-O was going to call you for an emergency equine favor."
"I haven"t been dragging my feet. Honest." But Kai didn"t say anything else.
"Plus, Kai," she added, "what do you mean, you go? You go what, alone into the desert to mark a trail ride for Billy-O? You know the first rule of ranginga"you never go out alone. I don"t even know what you"re talking about." She patted herself dry, threw off the towel and stood naked in front of him. "I"ll come with you, of course. We"ll mark the ride together. You can show me your great amazing Pooncarie." She smiled.
He stared at her like she had gone mad. Perhaps the world had gone mad.
"You want to come with me?" He sounded high-pitched. He was sweating. "But why? I"ll only be gone a day."
"Why would I stay here by myself?" said Larissa. "At Crackenback no less, with no car, even farther from anywhere than Rainbow Drive had been."
"Why would you want to leave?" asked Kai. "Look how beautiful it is here. The stilts of our chalet are in the lake. It"s incredible. And I"ll only be gone a couple of days."
"I don"t know what you"re saying." Her face was one big confused frown. "You need someone with you. You know you can"t go out alone. You know this. And I don"t want to stay here alone. It"s a win-win for both of us." She smiled questioningly. "What"s the problem?"
"There"s no problem."
"Okay, then. Don"t you want to show me Pooncarie?"
"I doabut Billy-O has no room for two extra people."
"Perfect," said Larissa. "Because he"s not going to be there."
"It"s really a pigsty," Kai said. "It"s going to make you feel bad."
"You know what"s making me feel bad?" Larissa said suddenly. "You acting like you don"t want me to come. There"s not a single reason why I shouldn"t come. For your safety I"m actually necessary. So tell me what this is really about." Was Larissa wrong? Was this not about the graceful sentiments expressed to Muriel?
"Why wouldn"t I want you to come?" Kai asked hurriedly, wiping his forehead. "Of course I do. You"re being silly. I just thought it"d be quicker if I went by myself. It"s a long trip, thirteen hours."
"That"s okay. I don"t mind a little drive. Now, would you like to order in or drive to the Thredbo winery for lunch?"
"Lunch?" Kai shook his head. A look of heavy-jawed resignation fell over his face. "No, if we"re going to go, we might as well go right now." He bent to grab his ukulele off the table. "If we hurry, we can get there after nightfall. Because to go out on the horses, we"ll need to leave tomorrow morning at six or seven the latest, because by the afternoon it gets too hot in Mungo."
"So let"s hurry," said Larissa. "We don"t want it to get too hot."
In the Land Cruiser, with their stuff piled inside, Kai remained animated, nervously energized. Pooncarie had obviously got inside him, Larissa realized, and he didn"t know how to tell her this. So he told her piecemeal about the things that he kept hidden.
Was there fly fishing? Was there canoeing? Larissa asked, wanting to engage him, to keep him talking about happy things.
"Not in the summer months," Kai told her, "because the rivers and streams are dry. But wait till you see the colors of the sediment, the deep red core of the dunes. Oh yes, Larissa, there are dunes in the desert." He shook his head in wonder. "They"re called the Great Wall of China. Once there"d been a lake there, and though it evaporated, the dune residuals remain on the lake beds. The Aborigines used to fish there, ten, twenty thousand years ago, but it"s saltbush now, eroded by wind and water, all layers of desert of sand and clay." He breathed unevenly, remembering. "If we"re lucky, maybe we"ll see a giant wombat."
"See, I keep thinking if we"re not lucky, we"ll see one."