"It"s nice here," Larissa said, slowly walking across the gravel, following him. "Quiet." He was wearing light jeans, a black shirt and a dark gray sports jacket today. He had such a long-gaited, a.s.sured step, yet he bounced a little as he walked, like an adolescent.
"Yeah, quiet, except every twelve minutes the entire house rumbles as the New Jersey Transit train rolls past, blows its horn. Every twelve minutes. It"s enough to drive you mad." He threw his helmet in the air, caught it like a basketball. "Come up for a sec," he said. "I"m on the top floor. You want a gla.s.s of water?"
"Um, sure."
They walked up the steps. "I do like it here, though," Kai said. "The old lady doesn"t bother me; her rooms are in the front. There was a tenant downstairs but he left; that could"ve been her son, so either he left, ora"a"Kai raised his eyebrows as he turned around to glance at hera""he was taken."
"You should be a writer, Kai," she said. "Your imagination keeps running away with you."
"Don"t it just?" They reached the deck. "Anyway, she lets me play my music, doesn"t complain too much. It could be because she"s deaf. Every time I speak to her, all she says in reply, is *Yes, dearie." I"ll be a week late with my rent, Mrs. Sinesco. *Yes, dearie." I"m going to hold a Satanic Ma.s.s in your backyard, Mrs. Sinesco. *Yes, dearie."
Larissa laughed.
He unlocked his door. "Come in," he said. "Hope it"s clean." Tentatively she stepped in behind him.
"It"s such a beautiful day," he said, taking his wallet from a small table in the front hall. "Hey, you want to go for a ride?" He smiled. "I"ll take you to Glenside. Come on, what do you say? For, like, fifteen minutes. I"ll find you another helmet. I"ve got a spare in my closet."
"For what, a spare head?" she muttered. "You know what I mean? If you lose the one helmet you"ve got, I"m thinking, chances are you"re probably not going to be in any position to rummage around your closet for the spare."
He laughed, striding across the studio to the fridge. "So is that a yes or a no?"
She stood at the open door in a short entryway that led to a large light room on the top floor where he lived. It looked like an attic conversion with vaulted ceilings and the exposed whitewashed truss beams. With her hand still on the doork.n.o.b, she could see three walls of the studio, the fourth hidden from her view. He didn"t have much furniture but his books were neatly stacked on the floor around his one overfilled bookcase. He had a soft-looking couch across from the TV and an efficiency kitchen with a small round table next to the window near the fridge. She imagined him eating his Corn Flakes in the morning looking outside. He had two blue guitars perched near the couch, an acoustic and an electric. He had two ukuleles next to them, and two amps by the wall. She saw a stereo but no computer.
The bed had white sheets and a gray quilt and two pillows plus one large square one for leaning against the wall if he wanted to sit up since there was no headboard. He had one nightstand, on it four books and a lamp, and another ukulele propped up against the bed. His plankwood floors looked swept and clean with one small area rug underneath the coffee table. There were four tall windows, two flanking the bed and two near the kitchen area. The room was filled with sun. The white walls were bare except for two posters near the T V, both of Jim Morrison.
"So? About that ridea" He was in front of her, handing her a gla.s.s of water.
She had to will her hand to release the doork.n.o.b. Taking the drink from him, she pointed to her flouncy summer dress. "I really don"t think a motorcycle ride would be appropriate today," she said.
He looked down at the hem of her dress, at her legs. Having handed her the water, he was still standing close. "Now why do you say that? A dress on a woman is perfect for a ride." Raising his eyes to her, he smiled.
"From a man"s perspective, maybe."
"Well, exactly. Look, you just take the dress"a"slowly he lowered his hand for a handful of ita""and then, hitch it up a little, and thenakind of tuck ita" His hand still down, holding a fistful of thin floral cotton, the knuckles of his fist grazed against her bare thighs. He lifted his dilated gaze from the dress to her eyes, to her mouth. "Tuck itabetween your legs," he said very low. The water gla.s.s in her hand started to shake. He took it from her, set it down. They were still by the open door! Pulling her away, he pushed the door shut behind her, the hem of her spring frock still in his fervid clutches, and wrapped his free arm around her back.
"Oh my G.o.d," she breathed out right before he kissed her.
Oh my G.o.d, she groaned now, in bed, under covers, day done, everybody"s but hers, Jared having awakened long enough to climb upstairs and throw himself into bed.
12:30.
She held the script for Much Ado About Nothing in her empty hands, pretending words could get in.
BEATRICE: I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest.
BENEd.i.c.k: Come: bid me do anything for thee.
12:49.
She tried to read. To concentrate. The house was quiet. Jared was snoring. Larissa even mouthed the words on the page to herself, to focus better.
How did it happen? One minute she was in her car, the next, she was parked in front of the stairs to the porch to his apartment, the next, pressed against the wall of his studio, her palms flat on the wall as if staving off execution. Blind me. Blind me. Turn me around. Get behind me so I don"t see. Press my face against the wall and hold my wrists before you kiss me before you kill me.
1:01.
What was she going to do?
How was she going to go to sleep, to make the night pa.s.s faster?
2:04.
The eyes were bleary. Twenty minutes earlier she had turned off the light, thinking she was sleepy, but lying awake in the dark was worse than sitting up pretending to read, and she jumped up and turned the lights back on. Her hands clenched around the book.
At 3:16 a.m. it occurred to Larissa as she was nearly unconscious and blessedly close to morning, that the whole afternoon, evening, sleepless night, the one thought that hadn"t crossed her mind or clouded her judgement was: what am I going to do?
It was not even an unformed question. This was no epiphany, a standing on the ledge, looking downward, teetering, tottering, hoping something would save her. It was nothing but the gritted counting down of the merciless minutes until she could see him again. She wanted nothing to save her. This was not the stepback moment; it was too late for that. She couldn"t be kissed like that, touched like that, and then apply cold reason to her burning heart. She was enflamed outside and in, and no bucket of icy logic was going to quench the arson inside her, was going to succeed against her in order not to save her, but to destroy her. She wanted only one thing, and every synapse of her body was crying out for only one thing. Not wrong, not right, just desire, the means and the end, the beginning and the end, its own punishment, its own reward, its own reason and justification. Its own everything.
At 6:13 she jumped up and sprinted into the shower.
"It"s too early," groaned Jared.
"No, it"s time. We"re always running late. I want to get on top of things." She brushed her teeth in a flurry, on speed-dial threw on her clothes, brushed her hair, made coffee, got the cereal bowls ready, took Riot out, got the backpacks by the door, got Jared"s briefcase by the door, not a single thing to delay her, and at 7:00 woke the kids.
Jared was out the door by 7:30, thanking her for the coffee. "Oh, you"re welcome, darling, any time," she said, as if behind a counter, flashing him her Starbucks smile, giving him small change. "Have a great day."
He stared at her, puzzled, with his travel mug in his hands. "Yes, you too. Enjoy the play."
"Come, come, we are friends," she said to him across the island, quoting Bened.i.c.k. "Let"s have a danceato lighten our own hearts."
"A simple so long will do," said Jared as he left the kitchen. "But interesting that you omitted the words that end that line, about what else the husband should lighten by the marriage dance."
"Fare thee well!" She called after him. "Let"s have a dance to lighten our hearts and our wives" heels."
"That"s better!" Jared called out as the back door slammed.
Asher was catching the bus, but Emily had to be driven to school for orchestra practice. Larissa packed up Michelangelo extra early, dropped off Emily, dropped off Michelangelo, ten minutes before the bell ("Mom, I"ve never seen the school this early! Well done"), and was back at the house by 8:10.
She debated with a pounding heart what to wear, what to do with her body, what perfume to put on, settling on the same white musk with a spritz of Escada"s Moon Sparkle she had worn yesterday. She almost left the house with no underwear. Not forgetting. Deliberate. Almost. But it was too shameful. What if she got into a car accident? How would she explain to the doctors in ER, and to Jared who rushed to her side, why she had on no underwear to go to the supermarket?
He had told her to come in the morning. What was morning for him? 11:00? 11:30? 10:15?
She remembered, nearly belatedly, even though she sat at night and fake-studied Shakespeare, that she had auditions today. She cursed for ten minutes, squawking around her house, trying to find a way out. If she called and said she couldn"t make it, Ezra would tell Maggie, who would bring it up over the weekend, in casual conversation, mention to Jared that dear old Larissa was too busy at ten in the morning to come in and stage a casting call for a hundred kids. She could say she"d gone shopping; the children needed clothing. Which was true: they needed shorts, sandals. But to say it would beg the question of why they continued to have no shorts, no sandals.
Out of options, Larissa drove to Pingry. She was on stage by 9:20 a.m., consoling herself that Kai was probably asleep and it was no good to wake a sleeping man. Was he a nocturnal? Or was he an early riser? Were stonemasons early risers? The delay was good; what was the point of him knowing that she wanted to rush to him like a wound-up schoolgirl at her first canteen dance.
Of course there was no one at 9:20 in the theater room. The casting call wouldn"t begin properly until ten, when the kids would start their free periods.
She got the books out, the gla.s.ses of water, the little table and chair on the stage, checked the time: 9:26 (!!!) and then, to busy her frantic hands, she decided to begin painting the backdrop to Claudio and Hero"s lovesick struggles.
She changed into the old painter"s grays she found in the production room, opened and stirred the paint, got out the brushes. She was hoping as always to get lost in the colors, the right hemisphere of the brain coming to the rescue, useful like hypnosis. Not today. Today there was no relief in the 12x16 hunk of plywood that gradually became golden brown and red.
At 10:13, she changed back into her floral skirt, flimsy blouse, touched up her lipstick, easier said than done on her tremulous lips, and bounced back into the theater, where Leroy and Sheila were waiting, along with ten students ready to read.
With a stone face Larissa sat in the chair next to Leroy and every time he would ask, well, how is this one or that one? she would say, she"s not bad, he"s not bad, and she would pretend to make notes, which were nothing more than an endless repet.i.tion of the child"s name, Angela, Angela, Angela, Alison, Alison, Alison, What time was it? Oh G.o.d, it was 11:02. Wendy, Ginger, Kate, Josh and Michael. Josh Josh Michael Michael. What about now? 11:15. She had to go. Right now. She sprung up.
"Where are you going?" said Leroy. "We"re not done."
"I know. I"ve got some stuff that can"t wait. Can you finish up, please? You and Sheila."
"Be glad to," said Leroy. "But if you don"t hear them, how are you going to cast them?"
"Callbacks. Make notes, ask them to come back Monday." She remembered Kai"s day off was Monday. "Maybe Tuesday, okay? Tuesday at ten for callbacks. That"ll give us time to run through everyone who wants to audition. We"ve got twenty parts to fill," she said to Leroy, grabbing her purse, "so be watchful. Oh, and Sheila, the last line in Act 5, Scene 1 reads, *How her acquaintance grew with this lewd fellow." In this context, lewd means worthless, not what the kids will suggest to you it means. Don"t let them snicker and change the meaning, okay? You must be firm. Because they"ll run roughshod over you."
"I know."
"No, I know you say you know," said Larissa, "but not five minutes ago, Michael put the wrong emphasis on it, and you didn"t correct him or ask him to read it properly. That"s what I mean. You gotta watch for that stuff."
Sheila turned red, became fl.u.s.tered. "I didn"t realizea"
"I know. Please do. This is Shakespeare, not MTV. You, too, Leroy. Help Sheila. Where is David? He can run lines to help us."
"He"s sick today."
"Ah. Well, perhaps tomorrow. See ya, guys."
She was outside in the sunlight and eleven minutes later already across the railroad tracks, Jag on the gravel, stairs traversed, her clenching fist knocking on his white door. Before her knuckles rapped the wood a second time, the door was opened, and he stood in front of her smiling. He was extra casual, loose jeans without a belt, a blue faded tank top. He was unbelievably thin, in that way young bodies are when all they do is move. Only his lanky arms were flash. His hair was still wet, pulled back. He was so rad, so irresistible, so new.
"Where"ve you been?" he said, pulling her in by the wrist and shutting the door behind her.
"You said morning." She dropped her purse. "You didn"t say a time. I didn"t want to wake you." Wasn"t she so composed!
"Not much chance of that," he said, grinning. "I"ve been waiting for you since 8:30."
"Since that early?"
"I called Lincoln Elementary and found out school started at 8:05. I made us coffee." He pointed to the stove. "Probably all burned by now."
She said nothing, standing awkwardly.
"Should I make a new pot?"
One of the windows by the bed was open a crack and the breeze was disturbing the curtains. How long could she stand like this, in silence, her hands twisted together in front of her, avoiding his eyes. "If you want," she said.
Reaching out, he took her hands into his. "You know what I want? You," he whispered, pulling her to him.
Not composed anymore, her legs weakened when he kissed her.
"You smell great," he whispered. "What is that? It"s f.u.c.king amazinga"
She wanted to tell him, but she forgot. The name of the perfume had flown out of her head.
He was already panting, not composed himself, not still, not calm, breathing hard, fumbling with the b.u.t.tons on her shirt, with the zipper on her skirt. She wanted to tell him not to bother with the zipper, just hitch the skirt up. She kicked off her shoes as they kissed standing up, their arms wrapped around each other; she was trying to absorb him through his jeans, through his blue tank, which he threw off, breathlessly acknowledging her opened blouse, her sheer white bra underneath, her hardening nipples.
"Oh G.o.d," he said, drawing her close, his hands pulling off her blouse, finding the clasps of the bra. "Larissa, what I wanta" He stopped to collect himself. "What I want is to feel your bare nipples against my chest, but I can"t. That"s what I want, but I can"t have it." He left her in her bra, her skirt unzipped but not pulled down. "I"m sorry," he said, pulling her to his bed. "I can"t even open my eyes. I can"t look at you naked, I can"t even imagine you naked, all right?"
"All right," she moaned, watching him unb.u.t.ton his Levi"s. She sat down on the bed in front of him and was about to pull down his jeans and his boxer briefs when he took her hands away from him. "No, no," he said. "I"m not kidding. You can"t touch me." With his body he pushed her down on the bed and climbed on top of her.
"I can"t touch you, you can"t touch me, you can"t undress me." Her arms went on his bare back. "So what can we do?" His excitement was so conspicuous, so apparent, so blatant that Larissa moaned even as she uttered those normal words. To have him rub agonizingly against her in l.u.s.t and shamelessness, to want to be pressed into the bed under him in l.u.s.t and shamelessness, the panting evaporating memories and miseries and marriage, being drunk on untamed youth, not sinking but drowning, gulping for air.
He couldn"t speak.
"Okay," she whispered, gently touching his arms, his back, opening her mouth under his searching frantic mouth. "It"s okay."
"It"s not okay," he said. He barely opened his jeans, finally did jack up her skirt without even being asked; he didn"t take off her underwear, just pulled it over to one side and breathing shallow into her mouth, his eyes closed, he found her in an instant, thrust inside her, and before she could grasp his back and gaspait was over.
"I told you," he murmured, after a few moments of panting silence. He gazed at her up close with a contrite but delighted smile. "I"m so happy you"re here," he said, kissing her. "I was afraid you"d have horrible second thoughts, and then I"d be walking around with blue b.a.l.l.s the rest of my life."
"That doesn"t sound very likely," she said quietly.
"You not showing up? Or my blue b.a.l.l.s?"
She laughed. It was bright in his apartment, even with the shades drawn. There was nowhere to hide. The light kept coming through the cracks.
He was tanned the way people who have lived their lives in the sun are tanneda"their skin changed color, was no longer white. He had little hair on his chest, almost like he was still growing it. She ran her elongated fingers with their polished nails from his chest down to his smooth table-top stomach.
Was there even a five-minute break? Ten? He had enough time to get her a drink of lukewarm water, throw some ice cubes in it. He undressed her, left her naked on his bed. "G.o.d, I knew you were going to be beautiful," he whispered. "I knew it from the moment I saw you."
"Did you?"
"Yes." He smiled, his fingertips running down her thighs. "Underneath that big parka, those loose sweats, hidden under that no-nonsense exterior you carry, like you can"t be bothered with the world, I knew there was sweetness, there was hotness."
Straddling her, he sucked her nipples, kissed her, told her he was sorry he only had the one mouth and couldn"t use it on her all at once, and she said she was also sorry for that because that sounded like something she might like.
And he laughed.
She tried to hide her star-struck wonder. Arching her back into the bed, she opened her legs. "Come here, Kai," she said, opening her arms, too. "Come to me."
He climbed on top of her, supporting himself with his wiry arms. "I don"t know what to do first to please you, to make you happy," he murmured. "I"m ridiculous."
"No," she said. "You"re not. You"re fine. But there is just one thing I need, okay?" She took him into her hands, tried not to moan and failed, tried not to pant and failed, tried not to let him see her excitement at feeling him in her hands, and failed at that too, his face so close, his eyes roaming her face for meaning.