FEBRUARY 22, 2003
I want to be more independent. But how? I don"t think I could survive by myself outside of these walls. I wouldn"t know how to take care of myself or the kids. The world is so messed up. Why do people ruin their lives? The answers seem so simple to me sometimes and sometimes I see how complicated the answers are, too. Why do I have to miss her [my mom] so much? She hasn"t been a part of my life in so long. I don"t even remember what she looks like. Would I even recognize her if I saw her? Do people have connections like that? Would my soul recognize hers? I don"t know. I hope I get the chance to find out one day. Sometimes I dream about her. They are fuzzy, hazy dreams; I don"t even remember them that well when I wake up, I just know she was in them. My last memory is of her forgetting to kiss me good-bye that morning. I was mad because I asked her the night before to kiss me good-bye before she went to work. She forgets. When I was walking around the track that Nancy has set up in the backyard to exercise with, I thought about her so much I started to cry.
MARCH 11, 2003
Instead of the clinic that I mentioned setting up before, I think it would be more like housing instead. Maybe on a ranch with horses and all sorts of other animals. We could find jobs for everyone that needed one around the ranch and then they wouldn"t be homeless anymore. I don"t know that much about running a ranch like that, but I intend to learn. Maybe one day it would be a big community of people. I really want a ranch one day with horses. I want to take in all the injured and unwanted animals. They would all have a place on the ranch. And in return those animals would give the people on the ranch a sense of worth.
APRIL 4, 2003
Dreams. Are dreams real or are they made up from memories and things that happen during the day? I don"t really know. I hope they are just dreams. Things that will never really happen like that. I never really have nightmares, only once in a while. A few years ago I had a dream about my grandpa, Poppy. I dreamed he was in his truck [he was a truck driver] and he had a heart attack and tried to cross the road and got ran over. That"s why I hope dreams are just dreams and not real. Sometimes I want to stay in my dreams when she [my mom] is in them. Just hold on to them for a little bit longer to be with her again if only it"s for a few minutes, but I always wake up. Some of my dreams are weird, like in one I"m trying to open my eyes but I can"t, but that"s when I know I"m dreaming.
MAY 3, 2003
I felt lonely all day today. I don"t understand why I feel like this sometimes. I mean it"s not like I"m alone. I have my family and they are great. I don"t really know why I feel like this. I just want a chance to do things myself. Lead a life that I choose not this life that I have no say in what happens. No real control. What do I want? Maybe to feel a little more grown up. I feel sometimes like I"m still the same age as when IT happened. I hate this feeling. I want to grow up. But how do I do that here? Who would I be if I weren"t here? Sometimes I think I would be a totally different person because being here has changed me. I might have always followed in someone else"s footsteps. Always trying to get people to like me. Always wanting n.o.body to be mad at me. Oh who am I kidding, I"m still that same person. Well maybe not as much as before. I have changed. I know now I would not follow the leader of the pack blindly, I would not do drugs or break the law. I wish I had better instincts, though.
JUNE 6, 2003
Reading is an escape for me. I ask myself, what am I escaping from? I don"t know, I just ... maybe I am escaping myself. I"m not happy or comfortable with myself. When I"m reading I can lose myself, maybe even become like the beautiful women I read about. Strong, independent women that do things by themselves. I should be taking control of my body and getting strong and healthy; I put on so much weight from the babies, my body has changed so much. I just can"t seem to get motivated. I just can"t say no to food! She [Nancy] is always bringing in so much candy and, yes, I love it, but it does not help my weight. I just can"t say no to her [Nancy]. Maybe one day when I"m finally ready to take control of myself I will.
AUGUST 11, 2003
My cat Blackjack died on this day; I wrote this in memorial to him.
Why do we allow ourselves to love when we know for a fact that, that soul will eventually leave us??? I will miss him. There are no words that offer comfort, but to not write anything at all feels wrong. Hearts become attached as easily as they become broken and our minds are left sifting through the pieces, which I fear take a lifetime to put back together to achieve any form of acceptance. I will always love him.
AUGUST 21, 2003
Life moves so fast. It has been a while since I last wrote and I feel different and the same. Sometimes all I can think about is the way I look. I feel ugly because I"m fat and my face is so awful, full of pimples. I try so hard to ... to what? Why do I care what I look like? My family loves me just the way I am, they are the only ones who see me, so what do I care? But I want to be pretty, not gorgeous, just pretty. I want a healthy body and flawless skin. Am I vain? It makes me depressed the way I look now. I hate mirrors, but I also want a mirror to see myself. To see if all the exercising I am doing with Nancy is paying off. Why is it important to me? I tell myself that I am going to have to face the way I look because why dwell on it when I"m doing all I can to better myself, what more can I ask of myself. I hate feeling down. I want to be happy.
SEPTEMBER 2, 2003
I don"t understand why I"m not happy. I am happy ... I mean I should be happy. I have a lot more than other people do. I just feel angry that I will never see my friend again [Jessie] or my real family. I guess in a way I never really knew them; I really didn"t even know her [my mom], maybe that"s what"s eating at me ... I"m afraid I"ll never really get the chance to know her [my mom]. What if something happens to her [my mom]. Life is so uncontrollable. It just continues and we just ride the wave it creates. Sometimes I want to lead my own life. But why? It would be in my best interest to stay and go with this flow. I read stories of adventure and true love and, yes, I want it, everyone wants that-look at all the books written about those subjects! I want to find it, but I don"t think it really truly exists or ever happens. It"s just dreams people have and wish for to make life more worthwhile in this dangerous would we live in. Something to keep their hearts from shattering. I don"t think it really happens, though, I have never seen it. I don"t think I will find it either. I will live my days alone because I will not settle for anything less than true feelings.
OCTOBER 12, 2003
I guess I have turned a switch off inside of me. In the beginning I did it to survive. Now it"s just habit, I suppose, but nonetheless it is now a part of who I am. I feel it switch when I watch TV or I"m out somewhere. When I"m out in public I want nothing more than to be invisible. To blend in and not get noticed. That"s when I feel the switch turn on and me sink into the background. I don"t look at people or really see them either. I feel like if I notice them, they will notice me. I want to have a normal life and be like normal people, but I can"t, the switch always turns on. I"m also afraid if I see people, I"m afraid of what I would see. It"s not that I don"t care, I care! I care more than I want to. I just can"t stand crying over any of it anymore maybe because I"ve done enough crying for two lifetimes. I can"t say, though, that people don"t affect me; I would be lying to myself. I want to change the world, make it a better place to live. A place where I want the kids to live in.
NOVEMBER 8, 2003
[Journal entry about a kitten that I named Precious that I found outside, but she was very sick and ended up dying.]
Oh G.o.d, I feel awful. I hurt so badly. Why do I feel this way? I only knew her for a short time. I think this is the first time someone I loved has died. I know I"ve lost many people in my life that I have loved even more, but this is the first one that has died in my arms. I know people would think I"m crazy for crying over her because she was just an animal. Sometimes I feel more connected with them than I could ever feel for a human being. Is that weird? I will never forget her [Precious]. How could she have gotten lodged in my heart so quickly?
NOVEMBER 9, 2003
I feel scared right now. I"m thinking what if I never get to see her again. What if she dies! I would never really get to know her and there is nothing I can do about it. I"m helpless. I feel better after I write down what I"m feeling. I don"t really have anyone to share them with. I don"t think they [Phillip or Nancy] would even really want to hear what I"m thinking. I don"t want to make them sad with what I"m feeling anyways. They don"t ask me a lot, so it"s not hard to keep all my junk inside. I"ve heard the expression "time heals all wounds." One day I hope to understand what that truly feels like.
DECEMBER 18, 2003
On a promo for the news tonight the press is speculating that the man that killed Polly Kla.s.s also took and killed me. It is so hard to express the feelings I"m feeling. They showed a brief picture of me and then the killer. That was so painful to watch. Phillip thinks it would be a bad idea for me to watch the news tonight; I think he"s right, I"m not going to watch it. I wonder if they will show a picture of her [my mom]. I hope they don"t bring it all up for her again. Why can"t they just leave it in the past? I hope they don"t hurt her. What must she be thinking? Does she think I"m dead? I miss her more than I can understand. Sometimes I"m afraid I won"t recognize her. Sometimes I wonder if I was ever given the choice, would I stay here or leave? There is no easy answer. There is a piece of me missing. Part of me will always be there with her [my mom], there is a part of me that always hurts and feels the pain of losing my family and that part wants to become whole but that cannot happen until I am united with those I lost. I wish I was stronger.
Affirmations:
1. Only I can make it happen.
2. I control what I eat.
3. Every day I become the person I want to be.
4. I have the strength to do everything I set my mind to.
DECEMBER 30, 2003
There are times I forget who I am. Tonight I have so many memories running through my head, good and bad. Time and separation dulls some of the memories, but the essence is always there with me every day. One day when I see her again maybe the pain will go away. I know I"m not the first person to lose someone they love and I most certainly won"t be the last. I"m probably considered lucky, if you can call it that, because I know I will see her again one day; not everyone can say that.
I know this may sound silly but not easy. Imagine somebody"s life going on after you leave; you only focus on your life and its events. So now I wonder what kind of life has she had? I"m thankful and I hope she is, too, that she has my sister with her. As I"m writing this she is twelve. Wow, I can"t ever begin to guess what she"s like. I wonder what they do together? I hope they are happy as I am most times. I wonder if she asks about me and what she tells her. I have no clue what I would say under these circ.u.mstances. I guess I"m the lucky one in my knowledge that I will see them again one day. It brings me a lot of comfort just to say or write those words.
DECEMBER 31, 2003