Every parent, and every employer, needs daily to cultivate the spirit expressed in the Divine prayer, "forgive us our trespa.s.ses, as we forgive those who trespa.s.s against us." The same allowances and forbearance, which we supplicate from our Heavenly Father, and desire from our fellow-men, in reference to our own deficiencies, we should constantly aim to extend to all, who cross our feelings and interfere with our plans.
The last, and most important, mode of securing a placid and cheerful temper and tones, is, by a right view of the doctrine of a superintending Providence. All persons are too much in the habit of regarding the more important events of life, as exclusively under the control of Perfect Wisdom. But the fall of a sparrow, or the loss of a hair, they do not feel to be equally the result of His directing agency.
In consequence of this, Christian persons, who aim at perfect and cheerful submission to heavy afflictions, and who succeed, to the edification of all about them, are sometimes sadly deficient under petty crosses. If a beloved child be laid in the grave, even if its death resulted from the carelessness of a domestic, or of a physician, the eye is turned from the subordinate agent, to the Supreme Guardian of all, and to Him they bow, without murmur or complaint. But if a pudding be burnt, or a room badly swept, or an errand forgotten, then vexation and complaint are allowed, just as if these events were not appointed by Perfect Wisdom, as much as the sorer chastis.e.m.e.nt.
A woman, therefore, needs to cultivate the _habitual_ feeling, that all the events of her nursery and kitchen, are brought about by the permission of our Heavenly Father, and that fretfulness or complaint, in regard to these, is, in fact, complaining and disputing at the appointments of G.o.d, and is really as sinful, as unsubmissive murmurs amid the sorer chastis.e.m.e.nts of His hand. And a woman, who cultivates this habit of referring all the minor trials of life to the wise and benevolent agency of a Heavenly Parent, and daily seeks His sympathy and aid, to enable her to meet them with a quiet and cheerful spirit, will soon find it the perennial spring of abiding peace and content.
CHAPTER XIV.
ON HABITS OF SYSTEM AND ORDER.
The discussion of the question of the equality of the s.e.xes, in intellectual capacity, seems frivolous and useless, both because it can never be decided, and because there would be no possible advantage in the decision. But one topic, which is often drawn into this discussion, is of far more consequence; and that is, the relative importance and difficulty of the duties a woman is called to perform.
It is generally a.s.sumed, and almost as generally conceded, that woman"s business and cares are contracted and trivial; and that the proper discharge of her duties, demands far less expansion of mind and vigor of intellect, than the pursuits of the other s.e.x. This idea has prevailed, because women, as a ma.s.s, have never been educated with reference to their most important duties; while that portion of their employments, which is of least value, has been regarded as the chief, if not the sole, concern of a woman. The covering of the body, the conveniences of residences, and the gratification of the appet.i.te, have been too much regarded as the sole objects, on which her intellectual powers are to be exercised.
But, as society gradually shakes off the remnants of barbarism, and the intellectual and moral interests of man rise, in estimation, above the merely sensual, a truer estimate is formed of woman"s duties, and of the measure of intellect requisite for the proper discharge of them. Let any man, of sense and discernment, become the member of a large household, in which, a well-educated and pious woman is endeavoring systematically to discharge her multiform duties; let him fully comprehend all her cares, difficulties, and perplexities; and it is probable he would coincide in the opinion, that no statesman, at the head of a nation"s affairs, had more frequent calls for wisdom, firmness, tact, discrimination, prudence, and versatility of talent, than such a woman.
She has a husband, to whose peculiar tastes and habits she must accommodate herself; she has children, whose health she must guard, whose physical const.i.tutions she must study and develope, whose temper and habits she must regulate, whose principles she must form, whose pursuits she must direct. She has constantly changing domestics, with all varieties of temper and habits, whom she must govern, instruct, and direct; she is required to regulate the finances of the domestic state, and constantly to adapt expenditures to the means and to the relative claims of each department. She has the direction of the kitchen, where ignorance, forgetfulness, and awkwardness, are to be so regulated, that the various operations shall each start at the right time, and all be in completeness at the same given hour. She has the claims of society to meet, calls to receive and return, and the duties of hospitality to sustain. She has the poor to relieve; benevolent societies to aid; the schools of her children to inquire and decide about; the care of the sick; the nursing of infancy; and the endless miscellany of odd items, constantly recurring in a large family.
Surely, it is a pernicious and mistaken idea, that the duties, which tax a woman"s mind, are petty, trivial, or unworthy of the highest grade of intellect and moral worth. Instead of allowing this feeling, every woman should imbibe, from early youth, the impression, that she is training for the discharge of the most important, the most difficult, and the most sacred and interesting duties that can possibly employ the highest intellect. She ought to feel, that her station and responsibilities, in the great drama of life, are second to none, either as viewed by her Maker, or in the estimation of all minds whose judgement is most worthy of respect.
She, who is the mother and housekeeper in a large family, is the sovereign of an empire, demanding more varied cares, and involving more difficult duties, than are really exacted of her, who, while she wears the crown, and professedly regulates the interests of the greatest nation on earth, finds abundant leisure for theatres, b.a.l.l.s, horseraces, and every gay pursuit.
There is no one thing, more necessary to a housekeeper, in performing her varied duties, than _a habit of system and order_; and yet, the peculiarly desultory nature of women"s pursuits, and the embarra.s.sments resulting from the state of domestic service in this Country, render it very difficult to form such a habit. But it is sometimes the case, that women, who could and would carry forward a systematic plan of domestic economy, do not attempt it, simply from a want of knowledge of the various modes of introducing it. It is with reference to such, that various modes of securing system and order, which the writer has seen adopted, will be pointed out.
A wise economy is nowhere more conspicuous, than in the right _apportionment of time_ to different pursuits. There are duties of a religious, intellectual, social, and domestic, nature, each having different relative claims on attention. Unless a person has some general plan of apportioning these claims, some will intrench on others, and some, it is probable, will be entirely excluded. Thus, some find religious, social, and domestic, duties, so numerous, that no time is given to intellectual improvement. Others, find either social, or benevolent, or religious, interests, excluded by the extent and variety of other engagements.
It is wise, therefore, for all persons to devise a general plan, which they will at least keep in view, and aim to accomplish, and by which, a proper proportion of time shall be secured, for all the duties of life.
In forming such a plan, every woman must accommodate herself to the peculiarities of her situation. If she has a large family, and a small income, she must devote far more time to the simple duty of providing food and raiment, than would be right were she in affluence, and with a small family. It is impossible, therefore, to draw out any general plan, which all can adopt. But there are some _general principles_, which ought to be the guiding rules, when a woman arranges her domestic employments. These principles are to be based on Christianity, which teaches us to "seek first the kingdom of G.o.d," and to deem food, raiment, and the conveniences of life, as of secondary account. Every woman, then, ought to start with the a.s.sumption, that religion is of more consequence than any worldly concern, and that, whatever else may be sacrificed, this, shall be the leading object, in all her arrangements, in respect to time, money, and attention. It is also one of the plainest requisitions of Christianity, that we devote some of our time and efforts, to the comfort and improvement of others. There is no duty, so constantly enforced, both in the Old and New Testament, as the duty of charity, in dispensing to those, who are dest.i.tute of the blessings we enjoy. In selecting objects of charity, the same rule applies to others, as to ourselves; their moral and religious interests are of the highest moment, and for them, as well as for ourselves, we are to "seek first the kingdom of G.o.d."
Another general principle, is, that our intellectual and social interests are to be preferred, to the mere gratification of taste or appet.i.te. A portion of time, therefore, must be devoted to the cultivation of the intellect and the social affections.
Another, is, that the mere gratification of appet.i.te, is to be placed _last_ in our estimate; so that, when a question arises, as to which shall be sacrificed, some intellectual, moral, or social, advantage, or some gratification of sense, we should invariably sacrifice the last.
Another, is, that, as health is indispensable to the discharge of every duty, nothing, which sacrifices that blessing, is to be allowed, in order to gain any other advantage or enjoyment. There are emergencies, when it is right to risk health and life, to save ourselves and others from greater evils; but these are exceptions, which do not militate against the general rule. Many persons imagine, that, if they violate the laws of health, in performing religious or domestic duties, they are guiltless before G.o.d. But such greatly mistake. We as directly violate the law, "thou shalt not kill," when we do what tends to risk or shorten our own life, as if we should intentionally run a dagger into a neighbor. True, we may escape any fatal or permanently injurious effects, and so may a dagger or bullet miss the mark, or do only transient injury. But this, in either case, makes the sin none the less.
The life and happiness of all His creatures are dear to our Creator; and He is as much displeased, when we injure our own interests, as when we injure those of others. The idea, therefore, that we are excusable, if we harm no one but ourselves, is false and pernicious. These, then, are the general principles, to guide a woman in systematizing her duties and pursuits.
The Creator of all things, is a Being of perfect system and order; and, to aid us in our duty, in this respect, He has divided our time, by a regularly returning day of rest from worldly business. In following this example, the intervening six days may be subdivided to secure similar benefits. In doing this, a certain portion of time must be given to procure the means of livelihood, and for preparing food, raiment, and dwellings. To these objects, some must devote more, and others less, attention. The remainder of time not necessarily thus employed, might be divided somewhat in this manner: The leisure of two afternoons and evenings, could be devoted to religious and benevolent objects, such as religious meetings, charitable a.s.sociations, school visiting, and attention to the sick and poor. The leisure of two other days, might be devoted to intellectual improvement, and the pursuits of taste. The leisure of another day, might be devoted to social enjoyments, in making or receiving visits; and that of another, to miscellaneous domestic pursuits, not included in the other particulars.
It is probable, that few persons could carry out such an arrangement, very strictly; but every one can make a systematic apportionment of time, and at least _aim_ at accomplishing it; and they can also compare the time which they actually devote to these different objects, with such a general outline, for the purpose of modifying any mistaken proportions.
Without attempting any such systematic employment of time, and carrying it out, so far as they can control circ.u.mstances, most women are rather driven along, by the daily occurrences of life, so that, instead of being the intelligent regulators of their own time, they are the mere sport of circ.u.mstances. There is nothing, which so distinctly marks the difference between weak and strong minds, as the fact, whether they control circ.u.mstances, or circ.u.mstances control them.
It is very much to be feared, that the apportionment of time, actually made by most women, exactly inverts the order, required by reason and Christianity. Thus, the furnishing a needless variety of food, the conveniences of dwellings, and the adornments of dress, often take a larger portion of time, than is given to any other object. Next after this, comes intellectual improvement; and, last of all, benevolence and religion.
It may be urged, that it is indispensable for most persons to give more time to earn a livelihood, and to prepare food, raiment, and dwellings, than to any other object. But it may be asked, how much of the time, devoted to these objects, is employed in preparing varieties of food, not necessary, but rather injurious, and how much is spent for those parts of dress and furniture not indispensable, and merely ornamental?
Let a woman subtract from her domestic employments, all the time, given to pursuits which are of no use, except as they gratify a taste for ornament, or minister increased varieties, to tempt the appet.i.te, and she will find, that much, which she calls "domestic duties," and which prevent her attention to intellectual, benevolent, and religious, objects, should be called by a very different name. No woman has a right to give up attention to the higher interests of herself and others, for the ornaments of taste, or the gratification of the palate. To a certain extent, these lower objects are lawful and desirable; but, when they intrude on n.o.bler interests, they become selfish and degrading. Every woman, then, when employing her hands, in ornamenting her person, her children, or her house, ought to calculate, whether she has devoted _as much_ time, to the intellectual and moral wants of herself and others.
If she has not, she may know that she is doing wrong, and that her system, for apportioning her time and pursuits, should be altered.
Some persons, endeavor to systematize their pursuits, by apportioning them to particular hours of each day. For example, a certain period before breakfast, is given to devotional duties; after breakfast, certain hours are devoted to exercise and domestic employments; other hours, to sewing, or reading, or visiting; and others, to benevolent duties. But, in most cases, it is more difficult to systematize the hours of each day, than it is to secure some regular division of the week.
In regard to the minutiae of domestic arrangements, the writer has known the following methods to be adopted. _Monday_, with some of the best housekeepers, is devoted to preparing for the labors of the week. Any extra cooking, the purchasing of articles to be used during the week, the a.s.sorting of clothes for the wash, and mending such as would be injured without;--these, and similar items, belong to this day.
_Tuesday_ is devoted to washing, and _Wednesday_ to ironing. On _Thursday_, the ironing is finished off, the clothes are folded and put away, and all articles, which need mending, are put in the mending basket, and attended to. _Friday_ is devoted to sweeping and housecleaning. On _Sat.u.r.day_, and especially the last Sat.u.r.day of every month, every department is put in order; the castors and table furniture are regulated, the pantry and cellar inspected, the trunks, drawers, and closets arranged, and every thing about the house, put in order for _Sunday_. All the cooking, needed for Sunday, is also prepared. By this regular recurrence of a particular time, for inspecting every thing, nothing is forgotten till ruined by neglect.
Another mode of systematizing, relates to providing proper supplies of conveniences, and proper places in which to keep them. Thus, some ladies keep a large closet, in which are placed the tubs, pails, dippers, soap-dishes, starch, bluing, clothes-line, clothes-pins, and every other article used in washing; and in the same, or another, place, are kept every convenience for ironing. In the sewing department, a trunk, with suitable part.i.tions, is provided, in which are placed, each in its proper place, white thread of all sizes, colored thread, yarns for mending, colored and black sewing-silks and twist, tapes and bobbins of all sizes, white and colored welting-cords, silk braids and cords, needles of all sizes, papers of pins, remnants of linen and colored cambric, a supply of all kinds of b.u.t.tons used in the family, black and white hooks and eyes, a yard measure, and all the patterns used in cutting and fitting. These are done up in separate parcels, and labelled. In another trunk, are kept all pieces used in mending, arranged in order, so that any article can be found, without loss of time. A trunk, like the first mentioned, will save many steps, and often much time and perplexity; while by purchasing articles thus by the quant.i.ty, they come much cheaper, than if bought in little portions as they are wanted. Such a trunk should be kept locked, and a smaller supply, for current use, retained in a workbasket.
A full supply of all conveniences in the kitchen and cellar, and a place appointed for each article, very much facilitates domestic labor. For want of this, much vexation and loss of time is occasioned, while seeking vessels in use, or in cleansing those employed by different persons, for various purposes. It would be far better, for a lady to give up some expensive article, in the parlor, and apply the money, thus saved, for kitchen conveniences, than to have a stinted supply, where the most labor is to be performed. If our Countrywomen would devote more to comfort and convenience, and less to show, it would be a great improvement. Expensive mirrors and pier-tables in the parlor, and an unpainted, gloomy, ill-furnished kitchen, not unfrequently are found under the same roof.
Another important item, in systematic economy, is, the apportioning of _regular_ employment to the various members of a family. If a housekeeper can secure the cooperation of _all_ her family, she will find, that "many hands make light work." There is no greater mistake, than in bringing up children to feel that they must be taken care of, and waited on, by others, without any corresponding obligations on their part. The extent, to which young children can be made useful, in a family, would seem surprising, to those who have never seen a _systematic_ and _regular_ plan for securing their services. The writer has been in a family, where a little girl, of eight or nine years of age, washed and dressed herself and young brother, and made their small beds, before breakfast, set and cleared all the tables, at meals, with a little help from a grown person in moving tables and spreading cloths, while all the dusting of parlors and chambers was also neatly performed by her. A brother, of ten years old, brought in and piled all the wood, used in the kitchen and parlor, brushed the boots and shoes, neatly, went on errands, and took all the care of the poultry. They were children, whose parents could afford to hire servants to do this, but who chose to have their children grow up healthy and industrious, while proper instruction, system, and encouragement, made these services rather a pleasure, than otherwise, to the children.
Some parents pay their children for such services; but this is hazardous, as tending to make them feel that they are not bound to be helpful without pay, and also as tending to produce a h.o.a.rding, money-making spirit. But, where children have no h.o.a.rding propensities, and need to acquire a sense of the value of property, it may be well to let them earn money, for some extra services, rather as a favor. When this is done, they should be taught to spend it for others, as well as for themselves; and in this way, a generous and liberal spirit will be cultivated.
There are some mothers, who take pains to teach their boys most of the domestic arts, which their sisters learn. The writer has seen boys, mending their own garments, and aiding their mother or sisters in the kitchen, with great skill and adroitness; and at an early age, they usually very much relish joining in such occupations. The sons of such mothers, in their college life, or in roaming about the world, or in nursing a sick wife or infant, find occasion to bless the forethought and kindness, which prepared them for such emergencies. Few things are in worse taste, than for a man needlessly to busy himself in women"s work; and yet a man never appears in a more interesting att.i.tude, than when, by skill in such matters, he can save a mother or wife from care and suffering. The more a boy is taught to use his hands, in every variety of domestic employment, the more his faculties, both of mind and body, are developed; for mechanical pursuits exercise the intellect, as well as the hands. The early training of New-England boys, in which they turn their hand to almost every thing, is one great reason of the quick perceptions, versatility of mind, and mechanical skill, for which that portion of our Countrymen is distinguished.
The writer has known one mode of systematizing the aid of the older children in a family, which, in some cases of very large families, it may be well to imitate. In the case referred to, when the oldest daughter was eight or nine years old, an infant sister was given to her, as her special charge. She tended it, made and mended its clothes, taught it to read, and was its nurse and guardian, through all its childhood. Another infant was given to the next daughter, and thus the children were all paired in this interesting relation. In addition to the relief thus afforded to the mother, the elder children were in this way qualified for their future domestic relations, and both older and younger bound to each other by peculiar ties of tenderness and grat.i.tude.
In offering these examples, of various modes of systematizing, one suggestion may be worthy of attention. It is not unfrequently the case, that ladies, who find themselves c.u.mbered with oppressive cares, after reading remarks on the benefits of system, immediately commence the task of arranging their pursuits, with great vigor and hope. They divide the day into regular periods, and give each hour its duty; they systematize their work, and endeavor to bring every thing into a regular routine.
But, in a short time, they find themselves baffled, discouraged, and disheartened, and finally relapse into their former desultory ways, in a sort of resigned despair. The difficulty, in such cases, is, that they attempt too much at a time. There is nothing, which so much depends upon _habit_, as a systematic mode of performing duty; and, where no such habit has been formed, it is impossible for a novice to start, at once, into a universal mode of systematizing, which none but an adept could carry through. The only way for such persons, is, to begin with a little at a time. Let them select some three or four things, and resolutely attempt to conquer at these points. In time, a habit will be formed, of doing a few things at regular periods, and in a systematic way. Then it will be easy to add a few more; and thus, by a gradual process, the object can be secured, which it would be vain to attempt, by a more summary course. Early rising is almost an indispensable condition to success, in such an effort; but, where a woman lacks either the health or the energy to secure a period for devotional duties before breakfast, let her select that hour of the day, in which she will be least liable to interruption, and let her then seek strength and wisdom from the only true Source. At this time, let her take a pen, and make a list of all the things which she considers as duties. Then, let a calculation be made, whether there be time enough, in the day or the week, for all these duties. If there be not, let the least important be stricken from the list, as not being duties, and which must be omitted. In doing this, let a woman remember, that, though "what we shall eat, and what we shall drink, and wherewithal we shall be clothed," are matters requiring due attention, they are very apt to obtain a wrong relative importance, while social, intellectual, and moral, interests, receive too little regard.
In this Country, eating, dressing, and household furniture and ornaments, take far too large a place in the estimate of relative importance; and it is probable, that most women could modify their views and practice, so as to come nearer to the Saviour"s requirements. No woman has a right to put a st.i.tch of ornament on any article of dress or furniture, or to provide one superfluity in food, until she is sure she can secure time for all her social, intellectual, benevolent, and religious, duties. If a woman will take the trouble to make such a calculation as this, she will usually find that she has time enough, to perform all her duties easily and well.
It is impossible, for a conscientious woman to secure that peaceful mind, and cheerful enjoyment of life, which all should seek, who is constantly finding her duties jarring with each other, and much remaining undone, which she feels that she ought to do. In consequence of this, there will be a secret uneasiness, which will throw a shade over the whole current of life, never to be removed, till she so efficiently defines and regulates her duties, that she can fulfil them all.
And here the writer would urge upon young ladies, the importance of forming habits of system, while unembarra.s.sed with those multiplied cares, which will make the task so much more difficult and hopeless.
Every young lady can systematize her pursuits, to a certain extent. She can have a particular day for mending her wardrobe, and for arranging her trunks, closets, and drawers. She can keep her workbasket, her desk at school, and all her other conveniences, in their proper places, and in regular order. She can have regular periods for reading, walking, visiting, study, and domestic pursuits. And, by following this method, in youth, she will form a taste for regularity, and a habit of system, which will prove a blessing to her, through life.
CHAPTER XV.
ON GIVING IN CHARITY.
It is probable, that there is no point of duty, where conscientious persons differ more in opinion, or where they find it more difficult to form discriminating and decided views, than on the matter of charity.
That we are bound to give _some_ of our time, money, and efforts, to relieve the dest.i.tute, all allow. But, as to how much we are to give, and on whom our charities shall be bestowed, many a reflecting mind has been at a loss. Yet it seems very desirable, that, in reference to a duty so constantly and so strenuously urged by the Supreme Ruler, we should be able so to fix metes and bounds, as to keep a conscience void of offence, and to free the mind from disquieting fears of deficiency.
The writer has found no other topic of investigation so beset with difficulty, and so absolutely without the range of definite rules, which can apply to all, in all circ.u.mstances. But on this, as on a previous topic, there seem to be _general principles_, by the aid of which, any candid mind, sincerely desirous of obeying the commands of Christ, however much self-denial may be involved, can arrive at definite conclusions, as to its own individual obligations, so that, when these are fulfilled, the mind may be at peace.
But, for a mind that is worldly, living mainly to seek its own pleasures, instead of living to please G.o.d, no principles can be so fixed, as not to leave a ready escape from all obligation. Such minds, either by indolence (and consequent ignorance) or by sophistry, will convince themselves, that a life of engrossing self-indulgence, with perhaps the gift of a few dollars, and a few hours of time, may suffice, to fulfil the requisitions of the Eternal Judge.
For such minds, no reasonings will avail, till the heart is so changed, that, to learn the will and follow the example of Jesus Christ, become the leading objects of interest and effort. It is to aid those, who profess to possess this temper of mind, that the following suggestions are offered.
The first consideration, which gives definiteness to this subject, is, a correct view of the object for which we are placed in this world. A great many even of professed Christians, seem to be acting on the supposition, that the object of life is to secure as much as possible of all the various enjoyments placed within reach. Not so, teaches reason or revelation. From these, we learn, that, though the happiness of His creatures, is the end for which G.o.d created and sustains them, yet, that this happiness depends, not on the various modes of gratification put within our reach, but mainly on _character_. A man may possess all the resources for enjoyment which this world can afford, and yet feel that "all is vanity and vexation of spirit," and that he is supremely wretched. Another, may be in want of all things, and yet possess that living spring of benevolence, faith, and hope, which will make an Eden of the darkest prison.