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“Well according to his secretary, no. Didn"t he tell you?”
I read Dad"s message earlier again. I asked him what"s up in Madrid, if Allen will be having some business meetings there or something, but I didn"t like the reply that I received. So after I read it, I decided not to text him back. Hopelessness consumed me that I didn"t even get to thank Dad for his update.
I don"t know what to feel - if I should be happy, at least, knowing that he"s okay or if I should be mad that he didn"t tell me.
I would definitely understand if he has to take care of some business matter that"s why he needed to go there, but he should have at least told me so I wouldn"t look like a fool, waiting for nothing. All that he needs to do is tell me. I"ll do my best to understand. If it"s something urgent, then fine. It"s okay. But why did he have to hide it from me, why didn"t he tell me? It shouldn"t even be difficult to tell me he"s going to Madrid. He must have forgotten that he has a wife, waiting for him, worrying about him.
I couldn"t help but have doubts, that maybe, he"s with another woman that"s why he hasn"t come back home yet. It"s also Leila"s fault, she added so many thoughts in my mind that I can"t help but overthink. Now it got even more difficult for me. I do not know how to feel and what I"m gonna do if everything that my cousin told me was real. But I trust Allen, I trust him enough that even if there"s a great possibility that he"ll have some affair with another woman, I believe that he won"t ever do that, not now that we"re already okay. He wouldn"t even put effort on surprising me on my birthday and all that if he just plans to ruin our marriage right after.
It"s really draining to think about so many possibilities. It makes me feel paranoid thinking about what he"s doing in Madrid. Why is he there? Who is he with? Ugh, it makes me feel crazy! I already fell asleep to my sobs earlier. But Leila"s right, nothing good will happen if I will just cry. I will only get exhausted.
“Good evening, ma"am. Here"s your order.” I bluntly smiled at the waiter as he placed my orders, Caesar salad and apple juice, on the round table.
“Enjoy your meal.” He said before he left.
I know it will be a long sermon I"ll get once Allen finds out that I left the house. But I can explain myself. The four corners of the house is draining the life out of me. I"m already bored and I can feel that if I don"t get out, insanity will have me. There"s no one I can talk to and there"s nothing my eyes can see. I"ll die there soon enough, crying.
That is why even if I don"t want to, I chose to have a dinner out. I"m here in one of the best restaurants in Ayala. This is where Mom and I usually eat when I was still single, although it still feels sad because I am still eating alone right now. Leila is also not available as she has something urgent to take care of, which I don"t know what.
It won"t take me long, though. After I finish my food, I will just take a short walk around, and then I"ll go back home. If Allen scolds me for this, I"ll tell him the same! He also has a fault, a more serious one even. He forgot that I"m waiting for him here, that until now he doesn"t call or even leave a simple message. It"s really frustrating.
I was about to take another fork full of salad when I heard a familiar voice.
I softly glanced at the three guys who have just taken the four-seater table beside mine. And I almost cussed when I recognized one of them.
I felt chills even if I was wearing a well-tailored cardigan. I wasn"t being followed, right? There are so many good restaurants here in Makati, why pick this one? G.o.d, I can remember the face of my husband. I"m dead! He"ll hurt me for sure. He told me many times not to meet with Zian. But I didn"t meet with him anyway, this is just an accident and I can explain that to him if he finds out.
I slowly placed the fork down my plate so that it wouldn"t make any noise. I don"t want to get his attention. He can"t see me here because for sure, he"ll insist to have a talk.
I slightly looked down, sideways, so that my hair could cover the side of my face. It"s a good thing that I didn"t tie my hair up. Avoiding to make any sound, I slowly grabbed my purse. I pulled out some bills placed them down on the table, and then stood up to leave the restaurant immediately.
“V-vannie?”
SH*T! My heart throbbed fast. Please tell me this is not happening! I closed my eyes hard. I didn"t perceive that the people he"s with recognized me. It"s just now that I noticed that Zian is with his friends whom I know, too.
I didn"t look at them even if Zian got certain already that it"s me whom he saw. I hurriedly left the restaurant even after hearing his friend calling me.
I am literally shaking while walking past Ayala Triangle - if what I"m doing can still be considered walking. It"s kind of unfortunate that the area where my car is parked is too far. Now my feet are aching because it"s difficult to walk very fast in high heels.
I"m also in panic! I can feel that I"m sweating cold. I used my hanky to wipe the side of my face, and then my neck. It"s kind of cold outside as it rained earlier, but I don"t know why I"m still sweating so hard.
“VANESSA!”
I cussed to myself then looked behind me.
There are quite a number of people, but I still saw Zian who"s running towards me. Sh*t! I walked even faster. I don"t care if I b.u.mp with people or if several eyes are on me because I look like a fool walking so fast and who seem to be in much of a hurry. I feel annoyed. This wouldn"t have happened if only Allen got back home on the day he promised.
Finally, I reached the parking lot. I"m not sure if it"s the weariness or the jitters, or if it"s both, but my hands and knees are shaking so bad. I"m also catching my breath. Ugh. Then, I immediately looked for the car keys inside my purse, but d.a.m.n, they"re not here! No way! Don"t tell me I left them in the restaurant? I gracelessly looked for them on both pockets of my cardigan, and luckily, I found them there.
I was about to unlock my car door when someone got hold of my arm. I almost jumped in complete surprise.
“Why are you running away from me?” He irritably asked looking straight into my eyes.
“L-let me go, Zian! Don"t talk to me.” I answered in hesitation while trying to get off from his grip, but he really wouldn"t let go of me. I felt scared even more. Allen, I"m so sorry!
“Why are you acting that way? Vanessa, please. I just want to talk to you. I won"t kidnap you for Christ"s sake!”
“N-no. I can"t. Allen is waiting for me.” I lied thinking that he would let me go, but no. Instead, his eyes searched around, still holding my arm, and seemed to be looking for something.
“Why, where is he? You"re alone?”
I intentionally looked in a different direction. I don"t want to look at him in the eyes, so I just closed them hard. What am I supposed to say?! I don"t want him to know that Allen is in Madrid and not anywhere near.
“Oh, yeah, I remember. He"s in Spain, right?”
My eyes bulged in surprise. Then, I looked at him. “W-what? No, he"s actually here. That"s why I have to go now. He"s waiting.” I haltingly answered. I"m hoping that he wouldn"t find out I"m lying. Now my head"s aching. How did he know that my husband"s not here?
I heard him tsk-ed. “Come on, Van. His friends are still my friends. I know that he"s there for business.”
I couldn"t do anything but shake my head. I can"t believe that he knows those things. What else does he know? He might know what my husband has been doing in Madrid.
“I called you several times. What happened to your number?”
“I changed it. Allen read your messages and he got mad at me. Didn"t you know that? I told you to quit calling and texting me.”
“I just want to talk to you. Please, let"s talk.” He begged. I looked at his face. He seemed calm, but I can see that he"s serious.
“No, Zian. I really can"t!”
I thought that he"d already stop, but I was startled when he latched on the car keys on my hand. He unlocked my car"s door. I was in panic the moment he pushed me onto the back seat! What is he doing?! Then, he immediately followed inside. I attempted to go out the other door, but he held my hand and turned me to face him. G.o.d! I couldn"t help but curse inside my head. What if Allen finds out!
“Just give me five minutes. Just five minutes, Van!” He insisted while holding me on the shoulders.
“I said no! I told you we can"t talk! Get out of my car!”
“This will be the last. Please. After this… I promise, you won"t see me ever again.”
“I don"t care, Zian. Allen will get mad at me if he finds out that we talked. Can"t you understand? I don"t want you!”
I couldn"t see his reaction because it was dark inside my car as the windows were tinted. But I noticed that he almost gave up when he loosened his grip on my shoulders.
“I know. You don"t want me anymore…” He said wistfully. He completely let go of me and leaned on the car seat.
“Yes. So don"t even bother us anymore, please.”
“Know what, you"re selfish Vanessa.” He said fiercely which made me feel stunned. I looked at him straight because I couldn"t believe he called me "selfish".
Me?
Selfish?
I"ve given him everything I can, that there"s almost nothing left for me. Was that still being selfish?
“You want everything to be in your favor…” He continued.
I rolled my eyes. I do not know how to react to his claims. I can"t understand him.
“During those times that Allen was distant, you accepted me and you almost left him. Because you said you feel alone. And now that he wants you back, you"re leaving me.”
Then I sensed his eyes on me. “Think of it, Van… You both left us hanging. But we both are yours. It was never a loss for you.”
I couldn"t help it, tears fell from my eyes. Why does it feel so heavy? It felt like he buried me in the ground for what he has just said. I looked up and bit my lower lip trying to stop my tears from falling, but I failed.
Things have been uneasy the past few days as Allen hasn"t returned from Spain yet, and here he is, adding to the complexity that life has been treating me. I couldn"t take a break, could I? He makes me feel that it"s all my fault, that I"m the reason why they are in pain. Sht! I"m trying to hold my sobs back. This is too much! Can"t they do it one at a time? Did they intentionally make me feel upset both at the same time?
“W-why Zian? Why are you telling me all these?” I asked, distressed, while wiping away the tears on my cheeks.
He held my hands, but I immediately pulled them back at that instance.
“Because I want you to know what I feel, Van. I am broken. That"s why you can"t blame me if I"m trying to get you back from him, because I had you once.”
“So please, don"t get mad at me. It kills me. Because never have I been mad at you even if it feels like you just used me.” He continued.
I looked at him, even if I can"t clearly see him because my vision got blurry to the consistency of my tears. “I"m not mad at you. I"m mad at what you"re doing. Please just let us be. We"re okay now.”
He looked down. “You can"t blame me.” He briefly said, and then he breathed very deeply, as if words couldn"t come out from his mouth. “But yeah, I"m giving up…
I realized that I really can"t have you all for myself. Especially it"s Allen who owns you."
He moved closer and was about to hold my hands again, but I avoided it. Then, he leaned back to the car seat, disappointed.
“I"m going back to New York…” He announced, causing my tears to stop from falling. “I will stay there for good.” He added.
I frowned. “Are you saying goodbye? You don"t have to do t–”
“No.” He said, laughing bluntly.
And then with the lights from the car that parked beside us, I have already glared at the bittersweet smile curved by the lips of Zian.
“No, I"m not saying goodbye.” He wistfully said. “I just want to let you know, so that things shall be settled. I don"t want to leave something here. If you understand what I mean.”
I understand what he meant, but I decided to keep quiet and not to respond. It was an awkward silence inside the car. He also didn"t say a word anymore. I"m not sure what"s on his mind, but there"s one thing that I"m sure of – he needs to leave the car soon because I"m committing an intensive mistake to my husband now. Somebody might see us, too, and my husband might know.
I was about to say a word when he spoke first.
“Take care of yourself, Vannie.” He bid goodbye without glancing at me. And then he handed me back the car keys and left the car.
I don"t know if I could get back home safely, because my mind"s out of focus. I feel lost for what Zian said against me. His claims. .h.i.t me hard. I want to get mad at him, but I know that I also hurt him. I left him when things got hard.
I didn"t even pay him a visit when Allen sent him to prison. I also didn"t advise him that I couldn"t stay with him as my husband tightened his lookout on me. One more thing, I also didn"t want to leave Allen back then. It"s really my mistake that I have given him false hope.
Because of this strong desire to earn Allen"s trust back, I already forgot that I hurt another person. We didn"t end our relations.h.i.+p in good terms. I didn"t let him know that I"m choosing my husband over our forbidden relations.h.i.+p. I believed that we"re gonna be okay, and to talk and end things properly right now is just a wrong timing.
I didn"t let him notice, but I admire him for moving on our past bravely and that I think he"s already set for a new life. I know that he has not picked the pieces of himself fully yet, but sooner or later he will.
I"m not sure, too, if I will tell Allen that Zian and I already talked. It just feels like I want him to know that we said goodbyes and Zian already promised not to bother us anymore. But I also feel scared that he might misunderstand, that this might cause us to fight. Maybe, I should keep it to myself first. But I will definitely tell him once he moves on already and if he can open his mind to understand things better, without losing his temper. I want to be honest with him. I don"t want to be hiding something for him, it feels disturbing.
I parked my car inside the garage, beside Allen"s. I didn"t get off immediately. I first glanced at the full-gla.s.s window of our house. The curtains are still down. I took a deep breath and leaned on the back of the car seat. He"s still not here. What is he really doing in Madrid? This is serious, he"s been gone for so long. So much is happening with me now and he still hasn"t come back.
I looked for my cellphone inside my purse to see if he already called, but no, there"s still nothing from him. Disappointing.
Allen, come home, please!
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