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“You know Vannie, I can really cancel my appointment later. I"ll stay with you here.”
“I can manage, Leila.” I barely answered.
She"s insisting on staying with me here in our house since this morning, but I kept on telling her one thing - I can handle myself. I"m not fine right now, but I will be… Soon I will be.
One more thing, I don"t wanna use up more of her time. She has looked after me since I was confined in the hospital, until now that I have been discharged. That"s more than enough. She also has her personal matters to attend to. Besides, it"s not her whom I need right now, I need Allen! I need my husband back!
Leila locked the car doors, then we headed inside the house. She went straight to the sofa to put the things down and take a rest, while I hurriedly climbed upstairs to our bedroom. I paid no heed to the weariness brought about by the traffic. I even heard Leila calling me, maybe to remind me to take a rest first, but I couldn"t turn around anymore to look at her. I"m agitated; I can"t just relax, knowing the fact that my husband left me and decided to give me away.
I"ve been standing for quite a while outside our room. I"m like a fool staring at my reflection on the doork.n.o.b. My right knee is also shaking like a leaf. I"m trying to stop it, but it just won"t. I"m scared. I"m a bundle of nerves.
I"m itching to get inside the bedroom, but it"s scaring my wits out. I"m afraid of what my eyes could possibly perceive. I know that Allen"s not in the house. I"m certain because the draperies are all drawn close. But if he pa.s.sed by our house earlier? That I"m not sure. I am close to getting paranoid. What if his things aren"t there anymore? What if he already packed up and left the house?
s.h.i.+t, I can"t afford to lose Allen! I swear to G.o.d, I can"t live without him! I can"t lose him just like this! I endured pain for so long! I"ve been waiting for him to trust and love me, then it will just end up like this? After everything, I"d still be left alone? d.a.m.n, that hurts! I"m down in the dumps!
After I realized that I"ve been standing here for fifteen minutes already, I forced myself to open the bedroom door. My eyes wandered around the room. Nothing seems to be different; it"s still the same gloomy bedroom, except for the shattered pieces of gla.s.s on the floor. It turns out that these haven"t been cleaned up yet. He"s always been like that – if he won"t lay a siege on me, he"d blow up on the stuff inside our house instead.
I swept the fragments of gla.s.ses scattered on the floor before I headed onto the shower room. I needed to check a few things. First, I opened the small cabinet mounted on the tiled wall, and it felt like I"m off the hook after seeing my husband"s shaving cream and his favorite shower gel.
I headed onto his closet next. And just like earlier, I stared at it blankly at first as I"m having second thoughts on whether or not to open it. I"m so much nervous that I could even hear my own heartbeats. I should be ready to what I could possibly see. If this closet is empty, kill me.
My hands and knees s.h.i.+vered as I pulled the closet door open. I breathed in relief and a smile drew on my lips – my husband"s clothes are still here. My fingers crawled on his tux and long-sleeved polo"s hanging inside the closet, making sure that what I see is real and it"s not just an illusion. Yes, his things are still here, but why can"t I find contentment? My mind still can"t stop overthinking.
Leila came in; she went near me and stroked my back. Maybe she thought I"m crying again. I just turned a deaf ear. I can only barely talk to anyone, except for my husband. Then I sat beside the bed. I know that my cousin is taking pity on me and I hate this kind of feeling, all the more that I feel sorry for myself.
“Vannie…” She called in a very low voice, just enough to get my attention. “I won"t tell you anything else, just hear this one out. Allen… Just give that man some time… To think, maybe… I don"t know. But I"m sure, he will come home.”
I shook my head and brushed my face off with both of my hands.
“Time? Really, Leila? But I needed time, too, when my mind and body were both beaten up because of him. Did I leave? Did I give him away? Never did I leave his side. I proved him that I can endure anything to save this relations.h.i.+p. What about him?”
He left, just like that.
She sighed deeply before she answered, “He"s not giving you away, Van. Maybe he"s just really hurt, so he"s not thinking clearly. You know men. Sometimes, they make decisions without thinking it through, or maybe out of extreme anger. Okay?”
“What if… it"s not like that? What if… he really wants to leave me? Lei… It"s just that… I can"t live without him. You know how much I wanted Allen.”
She closed her eyes, as if she didn"t know how to respond to my question.
“Uh, no. I don"t think it"s like that.” She straightforwardly answered. I was right. She didn"t know what to say. Well, she"s not used to having such kind of dilemma. She has her own way of handling problems.
Then again, I felt her stroking my back, and the feeling of self-pity engulfed me again. G.o.d, I really wanted to cry my heart out, to let all this sorrow out. But then my tears won"t fall down. Since Allen left, I seemed to have lost myself, just staring blankly on thin air. I can"t cry - the fear of losing him grew my sensation.
Even if I try to think about something else, it stills boils down to asking myself – what if Allen doesn"t come back? What if he"s really giving me away to Zian? This is really heart-breaking! I want to get mad at him, but I can"t. I know that this hurts him as much it hurts me.
“You know what, Vannie." I stopped when Leila spoke. “I just noticed… If Allen really plans on leaving you, he should"ve done that before. What he said earlier… Maybe… Forget about that. It"s just a repercussion of his fight with Zian.”
I sighed, “How can I forget? I was hurt. And up until now I"m hurt.” I admit it – this is more painful than his beating.
I turned around and I looked straight to her face. “Why is she like that, Leila? Doesn"t he love me anymore? Why is it so easy for him to leave me? To give me away? It seems nothing for him if he loses me, like he doesn"t care and he wouldn"t even bother. As for me, I can"t live without him. I can"t give him away because I can"t stand to see him with another woman.”
G.o.d, I hate myself for feeling this way! This is so unfair! It seems like I"ll be the only one that"s hurt if we break up. I don"t like that feeling. I don"t want to cry out for nothing, while he"d be busy looking for another woman. I stroked on my temple. I"m only thinking about it and it makes me lose my sanity already. I can"t accept the fact of losing what"s already mine.
“Your husband is a mysterious man, Van. I have no idea what"s going on his mind, so I"m not sure if that"s what he thinks about. Though I can sense that it"s been really hard for him. You know that? Of course he cares. At least I think he cares. Because if not, he won"t fight with your ex, right? He won"t call me in the middle of the night to look after you in the hospital, as if it"s a matter of life and death when it"s only over fatigue. Your husband"s sort of overreacting. So I think, yes, he cares. Don"t think about him that way.”
“I don"t know, Lei. That"s not how I feel. Never did I feel that… he cared.”
Well once, when he took care of me when I was sick. But that doesn"t count, because that went to waste because of Zian.
She brushed my hair with her hand. I can sense that she"s bored of my drama as she kept on sighing. “You know what, Van. I think you need a rest. Too many thoughts are running in your mind. It"s I who"s getting tired for you. Give yourself a break. Your husband will be back, okay? Even if the truth is, I don"t want him to. I want him to stop hurting you. But I know that you want him, so okay. I support you.”
I looked at her beside me, and then she smiled a bitter one. How could she talk calmly and casually when it"s so hard for me to let all my sorrow out?
Take a break? That hit me. I guess that"s what I really need after all. I"m so tired.
Without any hesitations, I embraced her. Aside from being my cousin, Leila also stands as my sister and my best friend. She understands me. She knows when I need someone to talk to and when I want to be alone.
She patted me on the back, so I released her from my embrace. Then she stood up and left the room. She returned with the paper bag we brought home from the hospital. She took out several boxes of medicines and put them down the side table, “I"m leaving, so you could spend some time with yourself. Don"t forget to take your medicines, especially these.” She pointed at a blue box. If I"m not mistaken, it contained pain killers. “If your shoulder hurts, take that.” She reminded, then I just nodded. I hope to remember taking them.
Again, she came close to me and stroked my back. “I"ll go ahead, okay? If you need anything, you have my number. And please, please don"t do anything reckless.” I smiled to myself before I nodded. Now she sounds like my mom. She patted me on my shoulder before she went out of the room. I didn"t walk her out as she already knew what to do after being here more often than not.
I reached over for the medicine boxes on the side table. I planned on taking some before I rest. But then my eyes were caught by my husband"s wedding ring placed beside our picture. It pierced my heart as I looked at the ring on my hand. He doesn"t wear our wedding ring anymore? Since when?
I slumped on the bed and a tear fell from my eye. It seems like I"m feeling the aches and pains only now since we last talked in the hospital. Is he turning a blind eye on this ring? This ring, this is not just some kind of jewelry. This is a proof that we"re married, that he has a wife. But he"s just turning his back on this. He can just easily leave it here. Like what he does to me.
And now I realized, that he can really just leave me, because he doesn"t value our marriage. He can"t even wear this ring. I curled up and hugged my knees. I wept. And wept. And wept. This room"s a witness to all of my grief… to sort things out in this marriage with a silver lining. Then I kept on weeping again, until I can cry no more and my whole being felt heavy.
Suddenly, I half-awakened. I peeked at the clock on the side table – it"s already 12 midnight. I forced myself to get up of the bed even if my body didn"t feel doing so. I went downstairs and headed straight to the living room with the hopes of seeing him, but unfortunately, there are no signs of Allen.
I slumped onto the sofa and tears started gleaming on my eyes. Where are you, Allen? It"s already late, why haven"t you come back home yet? I laid down on the sofa and did all positions possible for quite a while. I"ve stared at all corners of our house, too. But still, I didn"t hear the gate open.
I stood up when I felt hungry. I ate the sandwich bought by Leila for me earlier and I also took in the medicine when my shoulder hurt a bit. Then I went back to the sofa and stared at the wall clock. I was like a fool watching its hands move. I even felt sleepy to the sound of the clock, so I got up, turned the TV on, and watched some TV shows until I get bored.
I glanced at the wall clock for the nth time. It"s already 2:00 AM, but my husband still hasn"t come home yet. Again, I"m getting paranoid. Him going home so late is not new to me, but this one"s different. There"s a possibility that he won"t come home anymore. I got up from the sofa and went outside the house. I tried to look at the streets, but I didn"t find any vehicle approaching. I didn"t see a person nor anything. It was also dark outside as the posts had no lights.
Allen, come home, please.
I thought of sitting down on the porch swing on our garden. I closed my eyes as I savored the cold air sweeping through my face. Sleepiness seemed to have took over me, so I laid down and dozed off.
After quite a while, I woke up to the sound of a car engine in front of our house. I heedlessly got up from the swing.
Allen? He"s home? Please tell me I"m not dreaming.
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