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The door of the private room where I"m admitted opened. From there entered my husband, Allen, whose face suggested a complete loss.
Suddenly, I turned heedful, seemingly hopeful for a good news as he came. So I forcibly lifted myself up even if my body felt weak and my lower abdomen still hurt. He hurriedly ran near me to stop me from doing so, “No, Vanessa. You"re still weak.”
But I didn"t let him stop me; I can manage. I immediately made a grip on the sleeves of his t-s.h.i.+rt and asked, “W-what happened?”
I don"t know where the courage to fire that question came from. Honestly, I"m really scared. I don"t know if I could take his answer in case it was no good.
Then I shook his arms. Why won"t he answer? He can"t even look straight into my eyes!
“Allen? What happened? The baby? What happened to our baby?" My voice almost cracked as I asked.
He held both of my hands and kissed them deeply. Fright then grew my sensations. The way he kissed my hands… Why are his lips and his hands trembling? Nothing bad happened to our baby, right?
“Allen?” My eyes started to brim tears. Why won"t he speak?
He moved one of my hands to his cheek and looked at me straight. I saw an intense sorrow in his eyes.
“I"m so sorry, Van. Believe me; I didn"t want this to happen. I didn"t know you were pregnant…”
I couldn"t look at him anymore. “W-why are you saying that? Are you lying to me again? Why do you always lie to me? Stop it, Allen! You know nothing but to hurt me!”
My whole body went numb. Why does he always make me look like a fool? This is not the right time to toss jokes!
He held my hands tighter, and then he closed his eyes hard. I saw that worried face again. It doesn"t help whenever I saw such an expression on his face.
“I"m really sorry. I didn"t mean for this to happen. It"s gone, Van. The baby is gone.”
My eyes locked onto him for long as I was waiting for him to take back what he just said. But, no; he didn"t.
As aches and pains stroke my heart, tears started falling from my eyes. I could only bow my head down, but Allen lifted my face up. “Sshh, please, don"t cry. Don"t cry. It is I. It is all my fault. I admit it. Please stop crying. If only I could do something to have it back—"
“Are you happy now?” I looked at him as tears ran down my face. “You"ve successfully destroyed me, and our child. That"s what you always wanted, isn"t it?” Then I faked a laugh. It looked like I lost my sanity - I was both laughing and crying at the same time.
“So we"re even now huh, Allen. Now I"ve paid for all my sins to you.”
I wobbly took my hands back from him. It felt like I lost all strength and will to live. Why did I still wake up?
I went back on the bed and laid down on my side. I buried my face on the pillow and cried my heart out. I mourned silently.
“Vanessa."
He stroked my arm, but I shrugged him off, “Don"t you dare touch me.”
“Please Van, talk to me. I"m not taking revenge on you. I"ve already forgiven you. Believe me, I didn"t want this to happen. Y-you don"t know how sorry I am. Why didn"t you tell me you"re pregnant?”
What he said just triggered more tears to fall. I didn"t give him any response, though. I don"t wanna speak no more. No matter what I say, my baby won"t come back. Then I wiped the tears on my cheeks. Why won"t they stop from falling?!
“Just… Leave me alone.” I begged.
I embraced myself and slightly pulled back from him - I was afraid that he"d hurt me again.
“I won"t leave." He said as he stroked my arms.
“I said don"t touch me!” I lifted myself up and leaned my back onto the headboard of the bed. I don"t care anymore if those needles pinned on me would detach. He was also trying to hold me, but I sternly fended him off. I don"t want our skins to touch! I"m scared! I"m scared that he"d lay siege on me! He might slap me on the face or he might pull my hair again!
“Vanessa, h-hey hey, calm down, please. This won"t do you any good. You"re still weak. You might get all the more unwell.”
He forcibly moved my face to look at him and wrapped his arms around me.
“N-no, no! Leave! Leave! Leave me alone!” I cried so hard and pushed him away. “Don"t touch me! I told you not to touch me!”
“Van, it"s okay. It"s okay." He stroked my face. I screamed to extreme fright! He will slap me! I know he will slap me!
I threw him a few punches before he could hurt me. I don"t know where I hit him, but I don"t care. I don"t want him anywhere near me. “Leave! Leave me alone!” I cried harder.
“I won"t leave until you calm down. I will call your doctor."
“I DON"T NEED A DOCTOR! I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT! I HATE YOU, ALLEN! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! WHY DID I MARRY YOU?! WHY DID I FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU?! YOU"RE A MAD MAN! YOU SHOULD"VE GONE OUT, NOT MY BABY!” I shouted at him with the loudest voice that I can.
I covered my lips with both of my hands to stop my sobs, but they were too strong and loud. Then I touched my chest as I couldn"t breathe! I pushed myself on the headboard of the bed and embraced my knees. I wept. It hurts! It hurts so much!
“Vanessa, don"t do this to me please. I don"t want to see you like this."
“I hate you."
“Don"t. Don"t say that. I"m really sorry."
“In what aspect have I come short, Allen?” I murmured in between my sobs. “I did everything to make it up for what I"ve done to you before. I endured all of your beating. Now I"ve paid back for all of my sins to you and it"s even more than I should. Why do you need to toll on me like this?”
“Vannie, no. I"m not taking revenge on you. Do you think I"m happy with what happened? I lost a child, too, Van. Please think of how I"m feeling, too. It"s not just you that"s hurting.”
I covered my ears. I don"t wanna hear him! “Get out.”
“Vannie, don"t do this.”
“I said get out!”
“Van—"
“d.a.m.n IT, ALLEN! I SAID GET OUT! I DON"T NEED YOU HERE! LEAVE ME ALONE!” I shouted, then I hurled onto him one pillow. Again, I embraced my knees and cried my heart out.
I won"t forgive you! I will never ever forgive you! I shouldn"t have married you in the first place! If only you know everything that I endured for you, everything that I sacrificed to sort things out between us. And this is what I get? How dare you Allen! How dare you!
What I wanted was simple - just don"t see her ever again because I feel jealous. I"m jealous! If I was wrong and I only a.s.sumed, I still don"t think I deserve this kind of pain.
I heard the door opened, and just after a few, somebody touched my arm again. I went in panic, so I covered my head instantly. He was taking a revenge on me. He"ll pull my hair! “D-don"t touch me! Get out! I told you to leave!”
“Vannie, hey, hey. It"s me."
I stiffened. Who was holding me?
“Leila!” Then I embraced her instantly. I broke down in her arms.
“Sshh…” She stroked my back. “Y-you"ll relapse. You should be taking some rest. You need to regain your strength back.”
I escaped from our embrace and held her on the cheeks, “Leila, I-I lost my baby! My baby"s gone! It"s his fault!” I pointed at Allen who hasn"t gone out of the room still. “My baby is gone! He killed our baby! It"s his fault!”
She only looked at my husband. But why? Why doesn"t she do something? Why won"t she slap him for me?
“Enough, Van.” She said, trying to calm me. “This is not good for you. It will be better if you calm down. I… I already talked to him. He didn"t mean for any of this to happen."
I snapped, “NO! HE PLANNED ALL OF THESE! HE WANTED THESE TO HAPPEN! HE WANTED TO TAKE REVENGE ON ME! HE PUSHED ME, LEILA! HE PUSHED ME AND I FELL ON THE FLOOR. THEN THERE WAS BLOOD! I SAW BLOOD ON MY LEGS… AND ON MY HAND!”
My cousin wrapped me around her arms tight, and then tears fell down my face all the more harder. No, I can"t take this anymore! I"m losing my sanity! This is driving me crazy!
“Leila… I don"t want to see him. Get him out! I"m begging you, get him out. I don"t want him here!”
And in just a blink, my husband left the room. I"m not sure how she managed to convince him to just leave.
After I have confirmed that he has already left, I pulled away and hurriedly grabbed her arms. “Lei, I can"t do this anymore. I"m hurt and damaged inside out. I can"t face this alone. I need Mom. P-please call Mom. Let her come here.”
She released herself from my grip and frowned, “V-vannie, you know that —”
“P-please? I… I need my mom.” I begged.
She sighed, “Okay. Just for now… But promise me you"ll take a rest. Regain your strength. Stop crying. It won"t do you any good. Allen has been worried about you. He was begging me to talk to you just so you won"t get mad.”
I bowed down.
“Please…
…I don"t want to hear that name.”
She stiffened, and then she stroked me on the back, “Okay. I"m sorry. I"ll call your mom. Take a rest now.”
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