"I want to stay here."
"Why? They won"t let you see her, you know. And they said they"d call us if there"s a problem."
"I just feel better being here." She couldn"t put it into words, but she knew she had to be there. It had been that way when Andy was in the incubator too. There were times when she knew she had to be near him. And she felt that way now. Whether they let her see Allie in the recovery room or not, she wanted to be there, in the hospital, near her. "You should go home to Andy though. He must be worried." After his nightmare the night before, they were both more concerned about him than they had been. That afternoon she had even called his pediatrician, who said that the anxiety and the nightmares were to be expected. Allie"s accident was as traumatic for him as for them, possibly even more so. The doctor had also told Page how sorry he was about Allyson"s condition.
"Are you sure you don"t want me to stay here with you?" Brad asked quietly before he left her, but she shook her head and thanked him. It had been difficult sitting there with him all day, there was so much she wanted to say, so many questions she wanted to ask him. How long had it been this way? Why had he lied? ...why wasn"t she enough? ...didn"t he love her? It was pointless though, and she knew it. She forced herself not to say anything. But her stomach hurt all afternoon. He looked as handsome as he always had, except that he was no longer hers, he was someone else"s. And when she looked at him, it was like looking at a stranger. They had been polite to each other all day, and she"d been glad he was there, but they didn"t really dare talk to each other anymore, not about anything that mattered.
"Tell Andy I love him," she said as he left. He nodded, waved, and was gone, and told her he"d call her in the morning. And then she went back to her vigil in the quiet room, realizing that Brad had neither touched her nor kissed her when he left. Somehow, the connection between them had been broken.
Trygve stopped in to see her briefly in the waiting room with Bjorn, but he could see she wasn"t in the mood for conversation. She looked worried and sad, and Bjorn wanted to know where her daughter was, and if her legs were hurt like Chloe"s. She explained to him that Allie"s head was hurt and not her legs, and he said he had had a headache once too, and he was very sorry to hear it about Allie.
They left Page some sandwiches, and Trygve squeezed her arm as they left, and looked at her. She looked very small and thin and very tired.
"Hang in there," he said softly. She nodded, as tears filled her eyes, but once she was alone again, she felt more peaceful. Sometimes people"s kindness made it worse. She cried every time they said how sorry they were about Allie.
It was a long night as she lay on the couch in the small room, and she had more time to think than she had had in a long time. She thought about Brad and how happy they had been ...about when Allie had been born, and how sweet she had been. She closed her eyes and saw herself in their house in the city. It had been a mess when they bought it, but she had fixed it up, and it was beautiful by the time they sold it.
She thought about the house in Marin, and when Andy was born, so terrifyingly tiny. But again and again, her thoughts went back to Allyson. It was as though the child she had been were standing in the room ...the things she had said ...the way she had looked ...and Page was not surprised when the nurse came to get her just after midnight. It was as though she knew. She had felt Allyson in the room with her, and when the nurse opened the door, Page was instantly on her feet and knew that she was needed.
"Mrs. Clarke?"
"Yes?" It was like something in a dream, she couldn"t believe this was happening to her, but it was. She couldn"t deny it.
"Allyson is having complications from the surgery."
"Has the surgeon been called?" Page"s face was very white as she asked her.
"He"s on his way now; But I thought you might like to see her. She"s still in recovery, but I"ll take you up if you like."
"I"d like that ..." And then, she looked at her honestly. "Is she ... is she dying?"
The nurse hesitated, but only for a moment. "She seems to be fading ...she"s not doing well, Mrs. Clarke, I think she might be." And so did the recovery room nurses. They had called the surgeon immediately but they didn"t even think she"d be alive by the time he got there.
"Do I have time to call my husband?" She was surprised at the sound of her own voice. She felt strangely calm, as though now she knew what to expect. She had been waiting for this, without knowing. She had been there when Allie had been born, and now she would be there when she left. Her eyes filled with tears, but she felt calm as the nurse shook her head and walked to the elevator with her.
"I think you"d better get upstairs. We"ll call your husband for you if you like. We"ve got the number." She hated for him to hear it from a nurse, it would have been kinder to call him herself, but she didn"t want to miss Allie. This wasn"t a moment that would come again, and she wanted to say good-bye to her. She knew now that no matter how far away she seemed, Allie would hear her.
They put a gown and mask on her just outside the recovery room and she followed another nurse inside, and then she saw her. She lay surrounded by machines, her head swathed in bandages as it had been before, but suddenly now she looked very small and peaceful. "Hi, sweetheart," Page whispered as she stood next to her. She was crying but she wasn"t sad suddenly, she was just happy to see her. "Daddy and I love you so much ... I want you to know that ...and so does Andy. He misses you, and so do I ... we all do ... we miss you a lot ...but I know that you"re always with us ..." A nurse brought her a stool then and she sat down, and took one of Allie"s hands in hers. It seemed very frail and clawlike. Her fingers were rigid and her arms were stiff, which was part of the reaction from her brain being so disturbed. It was also part of why Page hadn"t wanted Andy to see her. The results of the accident were just too upsetting.
"We called your husband," a nurse whispered to her, as Page quietly held Allie"s hand and stroked it.
"Is he coming?" Page asked calmly. She didn"t feel frightened anymore, she just felt peaceful, and closer than she ever had to Allie. They were together now, mother and child, bonded forever, in a moment that meant as much, in its own way, as her birth had. In some ways, this was no different.
It was a beginning, and an end. They had completed the circle. Sooner than they"d planned. But they were still there together.
"He said he didn"t want to leave your son." Page nodded, knowing he could have called Jane, but he was afraid to come and she understood that. She accepted it now. Brad did not want to face this moment. The nurse touched Page"s shoulder then and gave her a little squeeze. She had seen a lot of this, but it was never easy, particularly with children.
"Allie?" Page whispered to her then. "Sweetheart ...everything"s okay ...don"t be scared ...and I"ll always be here if you need me." She had wanted to tell her that. Allyson had always been reluctant about new places, and now she was going to one, and Page couldn"t be there to help her. But she would be with her in spirit, just as Allyson would stay with her mother.
"Mrs. Clarke?" It was Dr. Hammerman, she hadn"t heard him approach her. "We"re losing her," he said softly.
"I know." She was crying and didn"t even know it. She looked at him with a smile and a look in her eyes that tore his heart out.
"We did everything we could. The damage is very great. I thought maybe she"d make it this afternoon, but ...I"m sorry ..." He stood nearby, not to intrude, and kept an eye on the monitors. He checked her pulses himself, looked at several tapes from the monitors, and consulted with the nurses. He didn"t think she would last more than a few minutes. And he felt very sorry for the mother. "Mrs. Clarke?" he asked finally. "Can we do anything? Is there anything you"d like? A priest?"
"We"re fine," she said, remembering perfectly the first moment she had held her. She had been so firm and round, a perfect little ball with a bright pink face, and a" fuzz of blond hair. Despite the ordeal her birth had been, Page had laughed and held out her arms the minute she saw her. Thinking of it made her smile now, and she turned back to Allyson and told her the story, as she had a thousand times, as two nurses wiped their eyes and went to attend to another patient.
The surgeon continued to keep an eye on her, and it was an hour after he arrived when he checked the monitors again, and found that nothing had changed. She had not improved, but she was no worse. From somewhere deep within, Al-lie was fighting.
Page just went on sitting there, holding her hand, and talking quietly to her. In her heart, she had opened the doors, and let her go. She had no right to hang on to her, if she wasn"t meant to keep her. She was like an angel now, and just being near her made Page feel happy.
"I love you, sweetheart." She couldn"t say it often enough, it was as though she needed to tell her a thousand times before she left them. "I love you, Allie ..."A part of Page still expected her to wake up and smile, and say, "I love you, too, Mom," but she knew she wouldn"t.
Dr. Hammerman kept a close watch on her, and now and then he felt her hands, adjusted a machine, checked the respirator, and then he left them. Page had been there for almost two hours by then, and she was almost sorry Brad hadn"t come. He needed to say good-bye to her too. She was startled when Dr. Hammerman approached her, and spoke to her in a whisper.
"Do you see that machine?" He pointed to one of the monitors as Page nodded. "Her pulse is getting stronger again. She gave us quite a scare ...but I have to tell you, I think she"s turning around on us." Page"s eyes filled with tears and all she could think of was the time Allyson had fallen in a swimming pool and almost drowned. By the time she got her hands on her all she wanted to do was spank her for the terrible fright she had given them. She looked at her now, grinning through her tears, wishing that she were well enough to shake or spank or kiss or hold or cry with.
"Are you sure?"
"Let"s watch her."
Page continued to sit next to her, and talked to her, she reminded her of the swimming pool and how scared they had been. Allie had only been four or five. And then she gave her mother another scare, riding her bike into traffic in Ross when Page was pregnant with Andy. She told her that story too, and reminded her again and again how much she loved her.
And as the sun came up slowly over the Marin hills, Allyson seemed to almost sigh and settle into a peaceful sleep. It was as though she had been somewhere and back, and now she was very tired. Page could almost feel her move into a different s.p.a.ce. There was no longer that ephemeral feeling of her leaving them. She had settled in again, and decided not to desert them.
"My business is filled with miracles," Dr. Hammerman said with a slow smile, and the nurses stood nearby whispering and watching. They had all been sure the Clarke girl would be gone before morning. "This young lady has a lot of fight. She"s not ready to give up yet ...and neither am I."
"Thank you," Page said, her emotions overwhelming her. It had been the most extraordinary night of her life. She had been terrified, and yet not afraid at all. She had known Allie was leaving them, and yet she was happy for her, and relieved, even though it was sad for them. She had almost felt her leaving this place, and then returning to them. And as she looked at her, and kissed her daughter"s fingertips, she knew that nothing would ever frighten her again. She felt more peaceful than she had in years. They had been blessed, and as Page finally left the hospital to go home, she was awestruck by the power of the blessing. She had felt the hand of G.o.d near them all night, and she had felt safer than she ever had before, and as though Allyson were safe forever. Page was more grateful than she had ever been, and completely at peace as she drove home to Ross in the early morning sunlight.
CHAPTER 9.
For the rest of the day, Page felt as though her life had been transformed. She had never felt as light or as happy. It was impossible to explain, or to describe, but it was as though she would never be afraid again, or unhappy. The miseries around her didn"t matter anymore, she felt overwhelmingly calm, and at peace with the world around her.
Even Brad could see a change. She didn"t look tired or upset, and although she had been awake all night, she looked refreshed and almost luminous as she made them breakfast.
He was deeply relieved that Allyson had made it through the night, and he was immediately moved by what Page told him. He took Andy to school, and told Page he"d see her at dinner that night. And after he left, she called her mother, and told her the latest news of Ally son. Her mother offered to come out again, and once again seemed to miss the point about everything, but for once it didn"t bother Page. She still felt peaceful and happy when she hung up and promised to call again in a few days. She had never felt as close to Allyson, and she knew without a moment"s doubt that Allie was safe and in G.o.d"s hands. For once Page didn"t feel as though she had to be at the hospital every moment.
She took a shower and went to bed, and fell into a deep sleep, and she awoke in time to dress and stop at the hospital briefly before she picked up Andy. Allyson was back in the ICU by then, and Page felt as though they had taken a long voyage together the night before. She sat down next to her and took her hand in her own, and spoke softly.
"h.e.l.lo, sweetheart ...welcome back ..." She knew that somewhere Allie would know what she meant, in her heart, in her soul, wherever it was that they had been together. "I love you an awful lot ...you fooled me last night. I"m glad you did though." She could almost feel Allie smile, it was a warmth deep in her heart. It was as though she could feel her now, as though they could communicate without words but only with feelings. "I need you here, Allie ... we all do ...you"ve got to hurry up and get well now. We miss you." She sat and talked to her for a while, and felt perfectly at ease when she left her.
Trygve was just on his way into the hospital when she was leaving, and he noticed the change in her. There was a fresh bounce in her step, her hair looked great, and she was smiling broadly for the first time in days.
"My G.o.d, what happened to you?"
"I don"t know ...we"ll talk about it sometime."
"How is she?" He looked concerned.
"Better. The same. She came through the surgery yesterday, and after a little scare last night, they say she"s stable, that"s something." But there was much more to tell, it was just too much to try to say in a hallway. "Chloe"s asleep, by the way, I just saw her. But she was awake when I came in. She was complaining a lot, which must be a good sign, and she looks better."
"Thank G.o.d. Are you coming back?" he asked with interest.
She shook her head. "I don"t think so. I want to pick Andy up and take him to baseball. And I thought I"d try and stay home for dinner, unless Miss Allyson pulls our chain again." But Page felt absolutely certain she wouldn"t. Whatever happened, she knew that another moment like that would never come again. Something like that happened once in a lifetime.
"I"ll see you tomorrow then." He looked disappointed. They kept each other company in ICU, and brightened the difficult moments.
"I"ll be in after I drop Andy off at school in the morning." She smiled and left him then, and went to pick up Andy.
They had a nice time that afternoon, and he did well at the game, although not as well as usual. He was still upset, but even he responded to Page"s calm, and he cuddled up next to her in the car with an ice cream. It reminded her suddenly of Sat.u.r.day. It was hard to believe that only five days before, their lives had been normal. It had been five days since the accident, four since the bottom had fallen out of her life with Brad, and it felt like a lifetime.
He didn"t come home for dinner that night, but this time he called and said he had to work late at the office, and it would be "easier" to stay in the city. She knew what that meant, but at least he had called her and she wouldn"t worry, and she could give some excuse to Andy. She was surprised by how little it bothered her. She was happy to be at home with her son, and relieved that there had been no additional crisis with Allie.
She put Andy to bed and called Jane, who had gathered a very disturbing piece of information. She had talked to a friend of hers in the city that day, a woman who had known Laura Hutchinson for years. She said she"d had a drinking problem ever since she was in her teens. She had gotten treatment for it years before, and as far as the friend knew, she hadn"t slipped since then. "But what if something"s changed?" Jane asked in a worried tone. "What if she"s drinking again, or drank that night?" They would never know. Page listened to what Jane said, and mulled it over. It was all gossip, all conjecture, all wanting to blame someone. But none of it would change what had happened.
"She"s probably clean," Page said in a spirit of fairness.
"If she isn"t, you"ll be reading about it one of these days in the tabloids," Jane said. "The papers certainly seemed interested in her when it happened."
"I hope for her sake that"s not the case," Page said quietly. "I hope she"s fine. I don"t think gossip helps anyone."
"I just thought you"d be interested in hearing her history," Jane said. She"d been very excited by the information. What if it had been the older woman"s fault, and not Phillip"s?
"It"s not really fair to judge her by a problem she had that long ago," Page said to her friend. "Anyway, thanks for the information."
"I"ll let you know if I hear anything else." And then they exchanged the usual information about Allie. There never seemed to be time to talk about anything else these days, and afterward Page paid some bills and caught up on some mail. It was the first time all week that she had taken a few moments to catch up on things, and it felt good to do that.
The next morning she took Andy to school, and then went back to the hospital to see Allie. In the past two days, she felt as though she had accomplished some things. She had spent some time with Andy, which he had needed desperately. And she felt calmer than she had before. She knew now that if this was going to be a long haul, she"d have to keep her wits about her, and her strength up.
Allie was still holding her own when Page got to the hospital shortly before nine o"clock in the morning and the nurses all smiled cautiously when they saw her. They all knew how close Allyson had come to dying the night of her surgery, and suddenly it made every moment, every day, more of a gift and infinitely more precious.
"How is she?" Page asked hesitantly. She had called several times since the night before, and they had a.s.sured her that nothing had changed. She was still stable.
"About the same." The nurse smiled at her. She was a woman about the same age as Page with a good head, a warm heart, and a great sense of humor. Her name was Frances. "Dr. Hammerman saw her an hour ago, and he seemed satisfied with her progress."
"Has the swelling gone down any?" It was impossible to see under the enormous dressing, but she seemed to be resting more peacefully, and her color was a little better.
"A little bit. The surgery seems to have reduced the pressure." Page nodded and sat down next to her, she took Allie"s hand as she always did, and began speaking to her softly. There was no visible change since the day before, but Page still felt better about everything. She was better able to accept what was happening, and she was even less angry with Brad. She couldn"t explain why, but she knew she had changed after her experience the other night with Allie.
When Trygve showed up at ten with a bag of croissants for her, he noticed the change in her again too.
"You look happier than you have all week," Trygve said with a smile. "It"s nice to see it." People had a remarkable way of adjusting to anything. He felt better himself, after six days of visiting Chloe. She was being moved out of ICU that afternoon, and in a few more weeks she"d come home. It had been a long week, but at least they had all gotten through it.
Page waved when they left the ICU, and when she left the hospital later that day, she stopped in to see Chloe. She was less groggy now, although she was still in considerable pain. But her room was filled with flowers, and a few of her closest friends had come to see her. Trygve was standing outside the room, taking a breather and leaving the kids to visit without him. It was the first time Chloe had seen friends since the accident. Until then she had only seen her father and brothers. Jamie Applegate had called and asked to see her too, and Trygve had asked him to wait another day until the weekend. Jamie had been very polite to him, very concerned, and he was very anxious to see Chloe. The largest bouquet of all, which arrived the moment she moved into her room, was from Jamie and his parents.
"Things are looking up." Page smiled at him. It was nice to see him looking relieved and more cheerful.
"I"m not so sure." Trygve smiled ruefully. "Maybe phase two won"t be so easy. She wants her music, her friends, she wants to go home next week, which is impossible, and she wants me to wash her hair." But they both knew how thrilled he was to be having these problems, and not those related to her survival.
"You"re very lucky," Page said with a quiet smile. She would have liked to have the same problems he did.
"I know," he said gently. "I hear you almost lost Allie the night of the surgery." One of the nurses had told him the whole story.
She nodded, not quite sure how to explain it to him without sounding crazy. "It was the strangest experience I"ve ever had. I knew what was happening. I felt it before they even called me. I was sure she was about to die, and so were they ...I"ve never felt closer to her ... I remembered every day, every hour, every minute ... I thought of things I"d forgotten for years, and then suddenly I could feel things change ... I could feel her come back from a great distance. And I"ve never felt anything as powerful, or as peaceful. It was incredible." She still felt awed by it, and he could see it in her eyes as she told him.
"You hear about things like that ...thank G.o.d she came back," he said, looking at Page, almost wishing he could have been there with her. The nurse had also told him they"d called Brad, and he had never come to be with her.
"She surprised us all," Page said with a warm smile.
"I hope she continues to do that."
"Me too," Page said softly.
"How"s Andy holding up?"
"Not so great. He"s been having nightmares," she lowered her voice not to embarra.s.s him, even though he wasn"t there, but he would have hated anyone to know, "and wetting the bed. I think he"s really shaken up over all this, but I don"t want him to see her."
"I agree." Allie still looked terrible. No matter how stable her situation had become since the second surgery, she still looked terrifying to those who saw her. Even Chloe had been shocked the first time she had been aware of it, and she had sobbed when she understood it was Allie. At first, she hadn"t even known it. "It would be too traumatic for him."
"Actually, he"s having a hard time with us too." She hesitated for a long moment, staring down the hall, and then she looked up at him. "Things are getting pretty rough with Brad, and Andy knows it. He"s not coming home much these days. He ...uh ...actually, he"s talking about moving out," she said almost calmly. There was the smallest tremor in her voice as she said it, but she surprised herself by how smoothly she said the words. After sixteen years, he was leaving her. In fact, for all intents and purposes he had already left her. He had called her that morning and told her not to expect him home for the weekend.
"Poor kid. That"s a lot to handle all in one week," Trygve said emphatically.
"Yeah, except I haven"t told him. But he knows something"s up, and he"s very worried."
"I didn"t mean Andy when I said "poor kid," I meant you. You"ve really been through it. At first it just sounded like Brad was hysterical after the accident, but it sounds like things are a little more complicated than that." He was sorry to hear it.
"They are. He"s been involved with someone else for eight months. He seems to be in love with her. I missed that somehow. Too busy doing murals and car pools, I guess." She tried to make light of it, but she didn"t convince him. He stood very near her, and watched her.
"I know what that feels like, and it"s not good," he said softly.
She shrugged, wanting to make light of it, but she couldn"t. "I didn"t even suspect ...can you imagine that? I feel so stupid...." And hurt, and cheated, and bereft ...and lonely.
"We"re all stupid sometimes. Those things are pretty hard to face. Everyone in Marin County knew about Dana, and I was still trying to pretend we had a marriage."
"Yeah ... me too...." Her eyes were damp when she looked at him and he wished he could put his arms around her. But it was different somehow when they were talking about Brad, and not Allie. "It"s funny how it all happens at once ...Allie ...Brad ...it"s kind of a shock ...and poor Andy is trying to cope with all of it. So am I, but I"m supposed to be the grown-up."
"Forget that, kick him in the shins if you want to." She laughed at the idea, and the image.
"I think we just about did for most of this week. I can"t believe how bad it was, and then when Allie almost died, suddenly I got a different perspective ... it didn"t seem quite as catastrophic anymore, Brad I mean, it"s just something we have to resolve ...and the accident is something I have to live through. I feel stronger now, though I"m not quite sure why."
"You look it. The mind is an extraordinary thing. We always find the resources we need there." She nodded, feeling comfortable and close to him, and he looked at her almost shyly then with a question. "What are you and Andy doing tomorrow afternoon?"