"Yes, sir, thank G.o.d," said Adam. "I thought it was worse."
"What! You thought you"d done for me, eh? Come help me on my legs."
"I feel terribly shaky and dizzy," Arthur said, as he stood leaning on Adam"s arm; "that blow of yours must have come against me like a battering-ram. I don"t believe I can walk alone."
"Lean on me, sir; I"ll get you along," said Adam. "Or, will you sit down a bit longer, on my coat here, and I"ll prop y" up. You"ll perhaps be better in a minute or two."
"No," said Arthur. "I"ll go to the Hermitage--I think I"ve got some brandy there. There"s a short road to it a little farther on, near the gate. If you"ll just help me on."
They walked slowly, with frequent pauses, but without speaking again. In both of them, the concentration in the present which had attended the first moments of Arthur"s revival had now given way to a vivid recollection of the previous scene. It was nearly dark in the narrow path among the trees, but within the circle of fir-trees round the Hermitage there was room for the growing moonlight to enter in at the windows. Their steps were noiseless on the thick carpet of fir-needles, and the outward stillness seemed to heighten their inward consciousness, as Arthur took the key out of his pocket and placed it in Adam"s hand, for him to open the door. Adam had not known before that Arthur had furnished the old Hermitage and made it a retreat for himself, and it was a surprise to him when he opened the door to see a snug room with all the signs of frequent habitation.
Arthur loosed Adam"s arm and threw himself on the ottoman. "You"ll see my hunting-bottle somewhere," he said. "A leather case with a bottle and gla.s.s in."
Adam was not long in finding the case. "There"s very little brandy in it, sir," he said, turning it downwards over the gla.s.s, as he held it before the window; "hardly this little gla.s.sful."
"Well, give me that," said Arthur, with the peevishness of physical depression. When he had taken some sips, Adam said, "Hadn"t I better run to th" house, sir, and get some more brandy? I can be there and back pretty soon. It"ll be a stiff walk home for you, if you don"t have something to revive you."
"Yes--go. But don"t say I"m ill. Ask for my man Pym, and tell him to get it from Mills, and not to say I"m at the Hermitage. Get some water too."
Adam was relieved to have an active task--both of them were relieved to be apart from each other for a short time. But Adam"s swift pace could not still the eager pain of thinking--of living again with concentrated suffering through the last wretched hour, and looking out from it over all the new sad future.
Arthur lay still for some minutes after Adam was gone, but presently he rose feebly from the ottoman and peered about slowly in the broken moonlight, seeking something. It was a short bit of wax candle that stood amongst a confusion of writing and drawing materials. There was more searching for the means of lighting the candle, and when that was done, he went cautiously round the room, as if wishing to a.s.sure himself of the presence or absence of something. At last he had found a slight thing, which he put first in his pocket, and then, on a second thought, took out again and thrust deep down into a waste-paper basket. It was a woman"s little, pink, silk neckerchief. He set the candle on the table, and threw himself down on the ottoman again, exhausted with the effort.
When Adam came back with his supplies, his entrance awoke Arthur from a doze.
"That"s right," Arthur said; "I"m tremendously in want of some brandy-vigour."
"I"m glad to see you"ve got a light, sir," said Adam. "I"ve been thinking I"d better have asked for a lanthorn."
"No, no; the candle will last long enough--I shall soon be up to walking home now."
"I can"t go before I"ve seen you safe home, sir," said Adam, hesitatingly.
"No: it will be better for you to stay--sit down."
Adam sat down, and they remained opposite to each other in uneasy silence, while Arthur slowly drank brandy-and-water, with visibly renovating effect. He began to lie in a more voluntary position, and looked as if he were less overpowered by bodily sensations. Adam was keenly alive to these indications, and as his anxiety about Arthur"s condition began to be allayed, he felt more of that impatience which every one knows who has had his just indignation suspended by the physical state of the culprit. Yet there was one thing on his mind to be done before he could recur to remonstrance: it was to confess what had been unjust in his own words. Perhaps he longed all the more to make this confession, that his indignation might be free again; and as he saw the signs of returning ease in Arthur, the words again and again came to his lips and went back, checked by the thought that it would be better to leave everything till to-morrow. As long as they were silent they did not look at each other, and a foreboding came across Adam that if they began to speak as though they remembered the past--if they looked at each other with full recognition--they must take fire again. So they sat in silence till the bit of wax candle flickered low in the socket, the silence all the while becoming more irksome to Adam. Arthur had just poured out some more brandy-and-water, and he threw one arm behind his head and drew up one leg in an att.i.tude of recovered ease, which was an irresistible temptation to Adam to speak what was on his mind.
"You begin to feel more yourself again, sir," he said, as the candle went out and they were half-hidden from each other in the faint moonlight.
"Yes: I don"t feel good for much--very lazy, and not inclined to move; but I"ll go home when I"ve taken this dose."
There was a slight pause before Adam said, "My temper got the better of me, and I said things as wasn"t true. I"d no right to speak as if you"d known you was doing me an injury: you"d no grounds for knowing it; I"ve always kept what I felt for her as secret as I could."
He paused again before he went on.
"And perhaps I judged you too harsh--I"m apt to be harsh--and you may have acted out o" thoughtlessness more than I should ha" believed was possible for a man with a heart and a conscience. We"re not all put together alike, and we may misjudge one another. G.o.d knows, it"s all the joy I could have now, to think the best of you."
Arthur wanted to go home without saying any more--he was too painfully embarra.s.sed in mind, as well as too weak in body, to wish for any further explanation to-night. And yet it was a relief to him that Adam reopened the subject in a way the least difficult for him to answer. Arthur was in the wretched position of an open, generous man who has committed an error which makes deception seem a necessity. The native impulse to give truth in return for truth, to meet trust with frank confession, must be suppressed, and duty was becoming a question of tactics. His deed was reacting upon him--was already governing him tyrannously and forcing him into a course that jarred with his habitual feelings. The only aim that seemed admissible to him now was to deceive Adam to the utmost: to make Adam think better of him than he deserved. And when he heard the words of honest retractation--when he heard the sad appeal with which Adam ended--he was obliged to rejoice in the remains of ignorant confidence it implied. He did not answer immediately, for he had to be judicious and not truthful.
"Say no more about our anger, Adam," he said, at last, very languidly, for the labour of speech was unwelcome to him; "I forgive your momentary injustice--it was quite natural, with the exaggerated notions you had in your mind. We shall be none the worse friends in future, I hope, because we"ve fought. You had the best of it, and that was as it should be, for I believe I"ve been most in the wrong of the two. Come, let us shake hands."
Arthur held out his hand, but Adam sat still.
"I don"t like to say "No" to that, sir," he said, "but I can"t shake hands till it"s clear what we mean by"t. I was wrong when I spoke as if you"d done me an injury knowingly, but I wasn"t wrong in what I said before, about your behaviour t" Hetty, and I can"t shake hands with you as if I held you my friend the same as ever till you"ve cleared that up better."
Arthur swallowed his pride and resentment as he drew back his hand. He was silent for some moments, and then said, as indifferently as he could, "I don"t know what you mean by clearing up, Adam. I"ve told you already that you think too seriously of a little flirtation. But if you are right in supposing there is any danger in it--I"m going away on Sat.u.r.day, and there will be an end of it. As for the pain it has given you, I"m heartily sorry for it. I can say no more."
Adam said nothing, but rose from his chair and stood with his face towards one of the windows, as if looking at the blackness of the moonlit fir-trees; but he was in reality conscious of nothing but the conflict within him. It was of no use now--his resolution not to speak till to-morrow. He must speak there and then. But it was several minutes before he turned round and stepped nearer to Arthur, standing and looking down on him as he lay.
"It"ll be better for me to speak plain," he said, with evident effort, "though it"s hard work. You see, sir, this isn"t a trifle to me, whatever it may be to you. I"m none o" them men as can go making love first to one woman and then t" another, and don"t think it much odds which of "em I take. What I feel for Hetty"s a different sort o" love, such as I believe n.o.body can know much about but them as feel it and G.o.d as has given it to "em. She"s more nor everything else to me, all but my conscience and my good name. And if it"s true what you"ve been saying all along--and if it"s only been trifling and flirting as you call it, as "ll be put an end to by your going away--why, then, I"d wait, and hope her heart "ud turn to me after all. I"m loath to think you"d speak false to me, and I"ll believe your word, however things may look."
"You would be wronging Hetty more than me not to believe it," said Arthur, almost violently, starting up from the ottoman and moving away. But he threw himself into a chair again directly, saying, more feebly, "You seem to forget that, in suspecting me, you are casting imputations upon her."
"Nay, sir," Adam said, in a calmer voice, as if he were half-relieved--for he was too straightforward to make a distinction between a direct falsehood and an indirect one--"Nay, sir, things don"t lie level between Hetty and you. You"re acting with your eyes open, whatever you may do; but how do you know what"s been in her mind? She"s all but a child--as any man with a conscience in him ought to feel bound to take care on. And whatever you may think, I know you"ve disturbed her mind. I know she"s been fixing her heart on you, for there"s a many things clear to me now as I didn"t understand before. But you seem to make light o" what she may feel--you don"t think o" that."
"Good G.o.d, Adam, let me alone!" Arthur burst out impetuously; "I feel it enough without your worrying me."
He was aware of his indiscretion as soon as the words had escaped him.
"Well, then, if you feel it," Adam rejoined, eagerly; "if you feel as you may ha" put false notions into her mind, and made her believe as you loved her, when all the while you meant nothing, I"ve this demand to make of you--I"m not speaking for myself, but for her. I ask you t" undeceive her before you go away. Y"aren"t going away for ever, and if you leave her behind with a notion in her head o" your feeling about her the same as she feels about you, she"ll be hankering after you, and the mischief may get worse. It may be a smart to her now, but it"ll save her pain i" th" end. I ask you to write a letter--you may trust to my seeing as she gets it. Tell her the truth, and take blame to yourself for behaving as you"d no right to do to a young woman as isn"t your equal. I speak plain, sir, but I can"t speak any other way. There"s n.o.body can take care o" Hetty in this thing but me."
"I can do what I think needful in the matter," said Arthur, more and more irritated by mingled distress and perplexity, "without giving promises to you. I shall take what measures I think proper."
"No," said Adam, in an abrupt decided tone, "that won"t do. I must know what ground I"m treading on. I must be safe as you"ve put an end to what ought never to ha" been begun. I don"t forget what"s owing to you as a gentleman, but in this thing we"re man and man, and I can"t give up."
There was no answer for some moments. Then Arthur said, "I"ll see you to-morrow. I can bear no more now; I"m ill." He rose as he spoke, and reached his cap, as if intending to go.
"You won"t see her again!" Adam exclaimed, with a flash of recurring anger and suspicion, moving towards the door and placing his back against it. "Either tell me she can never be my wife--tell me you"ve been lying--or else promise me what I"ve said."
Adam, uttering this alternative, stood like a terrible fate before Arthur, who had moved forward a step or two, and now stopped, faint, shaken, sick in mind and body. It seemed long to both of them--that inward struggle of Arthur"s--before he said, feebly, "I promise; let me go."
Adam moved away from the door and opened it, but when Arthur reached the step, he stopped again and leaned against the door-post.
"You"re not well enough to walk alone, sir," said Adam. "Take my arm again."
Arthur made no answer, and presently walked on, Adam following. But, after a few steps, he stood still again, and said, coldly, "I believe I must trouble you. It"s getting late now, and there may be an alarm set up about me at home."
Adam gave his arm, and they walked on without uttering a word, till they came where the basket and the tools lay.
"I must pick up the tools, sir," Adam said. "They"re my brother"s. I doubt they"ll be rusted. If you"ll please to wait a minute."
Arthur stood still without speaking, and no other word pa.s.sed between them till they were at the side entrance, where he hoped to get in without being seen by any one. He said then, "Thank you; I needn"t trouble you any further."
"What time will it be conven"ent for me to see you to-morrow, sir?" said Adam.
"You may send me word that you"re here at five o"clock," said Arthur; "not before."
"Good-night, sir," said Adam. But he heard no reply; Arthur had turned into the house.
Chapter XXIX.
The Next Morning.
ARTHUR did not pa.s.s a sleepless night; he slept long and well. For sleep comes to the perplexed--if the perplexed are only weary enough. But at seven he rang his bell and astonished Pym by declaring he was going to get up, and must have breakfast brought to him at eight.
"And see that my mare is saddled at half-past eight, and tell my grandfather when he"s down that I"m better this morning and am gone for a ride."
He had been awake an hour, and could rest in bed no longer. In bed our yesterdays are too oppressive: if a man can only get up, though it be but to whistle or to smoke, he has a present which offers some resistance to the past--sensations which a.s.sert themselves against tyrannous memories. And if there were such a thing as taking averages of feeling, it would certainly be found that in the hunting and shooting seasons regret, self-reproach, and mortified pride weigh lighter on country gentlemen than in late spring and summer. Arthur felt that he should be more of a man on horseback. Even the presence of Pym, waiting on him with the usual deference, was a rea.s.surance to him after the scenes of yesterday. For, with Arthur"s sensitiveness to opinion, the loss of Adam"s respect was a shock to his self-contentment which suffused his imagination with the sense that he had sunk in all eyes--as a sudden shock of fear from some real peril makes a nervous woman afraid even to step, because all her perceptions are suffused with a sense of danger.
Arthur"s, as you know, was a loving nature. Deeds of kindness were as easy to him as a bad habit: they were the common issue of his weaknesses and good qualities, of his egoism and his sympathy. He didn"t like to witness pain, and he liked to have grateful eyes beaming on him as the giver of pleasure. When he was a lad of seven, he one day kicked down an old gardener"s pitcher of broth, from no motive but a kicking impulse, not reflecting that it was the old man"s dinner; but on learning that sad fact, he took his favourite pencil-case and a silver-hafted knife out of his pocket and offered them as compensation. He had been the same Arthur ever since, trying to make all offences forgotten in benefits. If there were any bitterness in his nature, it could only show itself against the man who refused to be conciliated by him. And perhaps the time was come for some of that bitterness to rise. At the first moment, Arthur had felt pure distress and self-reproach at discovering that Adam"s happiness was involved in his relation to Hetty. If there had been a possibility of making Adam tenfold amends--if deeds of gift, or any other deeds, could have restored Adam"s contentment and regard for him as a benefactor, Arthur would not only have executed them without hesitation, but would have felt bound all the more closely to Adam, and would never have been weary of making retribution. But Adam could receive no amends; his suffering could not be cancelled; his respect and affection could not be recovered by any prompt deeds of atonement. He stood like an immovable obstacle against which no pressure could avail; an embodiment of what Arthur most shrank from believing in--the irrevocableness of his own wrongdoing. The words of scorn, the refusal to shake hands, the mastery a.s.serted over him in their last conversation in the Hermitage--above all, the sense of having been knocked down, to which a man does not very well reconcile himself, even under the most heroic circ.u.mstances--pressed on him with a galling pain which was stronger than compunction. Arthur would so gladly have persuaded himself that he had done no harm! And if no one had told him the contrary, he could have persuaded himself so much better. Nemesis can seldom forge a sword for herself out of our consciences--out of the suffering we feel in the suffering we may have caused: there is rarely metal enough there to make an effective weapon. Our moral sense learns the manners of good society and smiles when others smile, but when some rude person gives rough names to our actions, she is apt to take part against us. And so it was with Arthur: Adam"s judgment of him, Adam"s grating words, disturbed his self-soothing arguments.
Not that Arthur had been at ease before Adam"s discovery. Struggles and resolves had transformed themselves into compunction and anxiety. He was distressed for Hetty"s sake, and distressed for his own, that he must leave her behind. He had always, both in making and breaking resolutions, looked beyond his pa.s.sion and seen that it must speedily end in separation; but his nature was too ardent and tender for him not to suffer at this parting; and on Hetty"s account he was filled with uneasiness. He had found out the dream in which she was living--that she was to be a lady in silks and satins--and when he had first talked to her about his going away, she had asked him tremblingly to let her go with him and be married. It was his painful knowledge of this which had given the most exasperating sting to Adam"s reproaches. He had said no word with the purpose of deceiving her--her vision was all spun by her own childish fancy--but he was obliged to confess to himself that it was spun half out of his own actions. And to increase the mischief, on this last evening he had not dared to hint the truth to Hetty; he had been obliged to soothe her with tender, hopeful words, lest he should throw her into violent distress. He felt the situation acutely, felt the sorrow of the dear thing in the present, and thought with a darker anxiety of the tenacity which her feelings might have in the future. That was the one sharp point which pressed against him; every other he could evade by hopeful self-persuasion. The whole thing had been secret; the Poysers had not the shadow of a suspicion. No one, except Adam, knew anything of what had pa.s.sed--no one else was likely to know; for Arthur had impressed on Hetty that it would be fatal to betray, by word or look, that there had been the least intimacy between them; and Adam, who knew half their secret, would rather help them to keep it than betray it. It was an unfortunate business altogether, but there was no use in making it worse than it was by imaginary exaggerations and forebodings of evil that might never come. The temporary sadness for Hetty was the worst consequence; he resolutely turned away his eyes from any bad consequence that was not demonstrably inevitable. But--but Hetty might have had the trouble in some other way if not in this. And perhaps hereafter he might be able to do a great deal for her and make up to her for all the tears she would shed about him. She would owe the advantage of his care for her in future years to the sorrow she had incurred now. So good comes out of evil. Such is the beautiful arrangement of things!
Are you inclined to ask whether this can be the same Arthur who, two months ago, had that freshness of feeling, that delicate honour which shrinks from wounding even a sentiment, and does not contemplate any more positive offence as possible for it?--who thought that his own self-respect was a higher tribunal than any external opinion? The same, I a.s.sure you, only under different conditions. Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds, and until we know what has been or will be the peculiar combination of outward with inward facts, which const.i.tutes a man"s critical actions, it will be better not to think ourselves wise about his character. There is a terrible coercion in our deeds, which may first turn the honest man into a deceiver and then reconcile him to the change, for this reason--that the second wrong presents itself to him in the guise of the only practicable right. The action which before commission has been seen with that blended common sense and fresh untarnished feeling which is the healthy eye of the soul, is looked at afterwards with the lens of apologetic ingenuity, through which all things that men call beautiful and ugly are seen to be made up of textures very much alike. Europe adjusts itself to a fait accompli, and so does an individual character--until the placid adjustment is disturbed by a convulsive retribution.
No man can escape this vitiating effect of an offence against his own sentiment of right, and the effect was the stronger in Arthur because of that very need of self-respect which, while his conscience was still at ease, was one of his best safeguards. Self-accusation was too painful to him--he could not face it. He must persuade himself that he had not been very much to blame; he began even to pity himself for the necessity he was under of deceiving Adam--it was a course so opposed to the honesty of his own nature. But then, it was the only right thing to do.
Well, whatever had been amiss in him, he was miserable enough in consequence: miserable about Hetty; miserable about this letter that he had promised to write, and that seemed at one moment to be a gross barbarity, at another perhaps the greatest kindness he could do to her. And across all this reflection would dart every now and then a sudden impulse of pa.s.sionate defiance towards all consequences. He would carry Hetty away, and all other considerations might go to....
In this state of mind the four walls of his room made an intolerable prison to him; they seemed to hem in and press down upon him all the crowd of contradictory thoughts and conflicting feelings, some of which would fly away in the open air. He had only an hour or two to make up his mind in, and he must get clear and calm. Once on Meg"s back, in the fresh air of that fine morning, he should be more master of the situation.
The pretty creature arched her bay neck in the sunshine, and pawed the gravel, and trembled with pleasure when her master stroked her nose, and patted her, and talked to her even in a more caressing tone than usual. He loved her the better because she knew nothing of his secrets. But Meg was quite as well acquainted with her master"s mental state as many others of her s.e.x with the mental condition of the nice young gentlemen towards whom their hearts are in a state of fluttering expectation.
Arthur cantered for five miles beyond the Chase, till he was at the foot of a hill where there were no hedges or trees to hem in the road. Then he threw the bridle on Meg"s neck and prepared to make up his mind.
Hetty knew that their meeting yesterday must be the last before Arthur went away--there was no possibility of their contriving another without exciting suspicion--and she was like a frightened child, unable to think of anything, only able to cry at the mention of parting, and then put her face up to have the tears kissed away. He could do nothing but comfort her, and lull her into dreaming on. A letter would be a dreadfully abrupt way of awakening her! Yet there was truth in what Adam said--that it would save her from a lengthened delusion, which might be worse than a sharp immediate pain. And it was the only way of satisfying Adam, who must be satisfied, for more reasons than one. If he could have seen her again! But that was impossible; there was such a th.o.r.n.y hedge of hindrances between them, and an imprudence would be fatal. And yet, if he COULD see her again, what good would it do? Only cause him to suffer more from the sight of her distress and the remembrance of it. Away from him she was surrounded by all the motives to self-control.
A sudden dread here fell like a shadow across his imagination--the dread lest she should do something violent in her grief; and close upon that dread came another, which deepened the shadow. But he shook them off with the force of youth and hope. What was the ground for painting the future in that dark way? It was just as likely to be the reverse. Arthur told himself he did not deserve that things should turn out badly. He had never meant beforehand to do anything his conscience disapproved; he had been led on by circ.u.mstances. There was a sort of implicit confidence in him that he was really such a good fellow at bottom, Providence would not treat him harshly.
At all events, he couldn"t help what would come now: all he could do was to take what seemed the best course at the present moment. And he persuaded himself that that course was to make the way open between Adam and Hetty. Her heart might really turn to Adam, as he said, after a while; and in that case there would have been no great harm done, since it was still Adam"s ardent wish to make her his wife. To be sure, Adam was deceived--deceived in a way that Arthur would have resented as a deep wrong if it had been practised on himself. That was a reflection that marred the consoling prospect. Arthur"s cheeks even burned in mingled shame and irritation at the thought. But what could a man do in such a dilemma? He was bound in honour to say no word that could injure Hetty: his first duty was to guard her. He would never have told or acted a lie on his own account. Good G.o.d! What a miserable fool he was to have brought himself into such a dilemma; and yet, if ever a man had excuses, he had. (Pity that consequences are determined not by excuses but by actions!) Well, the letter must be written; it was the only means that promised a solution of the difficulty. The tears came into Arthur"s eyes as he thought of Hetty reading it; but it would be almost as hard for him to write it; he was not doing anything easy to himself; and this last thought helped him to arrive at a conclusion. He could never deliberately have taken a step which inflicted pain on another and left himself at ease. Even a movement of jealousy at the thought of giving up Hetty to Adam went to convince him that he was making a sacrifice.
When once he had come to this conclusion, he turned Meg round and set off home again in a canter. The letter should be written the first thing, and the rest of the day would be filled up with other business: he should have no time to look behind him. Happily, Irwine and Gawaine were coming to dinner, and by twelve o"clock the next day he should have left the Chase miles behind him. There was some security in this constant occupation against an uncontrollable impulse seizing him to rush to Hetty and thrust into her hand some mad proposition that would undo everything. Faster and faster went the sensitive Meg, at every slight sign from her rider, till the canter had pa.s.sed into a swift gallop.
"I thought they said th" young mester war took ill last night," said sour old John, the groom, at dinner-time in the servants" hall. "He"s been ridin" fit to split the mare i" two this forenoon."
"That"s happen one o" the symptims, John," said the facetious coachman.
"Then I wish he war let blood for "t, that"s all," said John, grimly.
Adam had been early at the Chase to know how Arthur was, and had been relieved from all anxiety about the effects of his blow by learning that he was gone out for a ride. At five o"clock he was punctually there again, and sent up word of his arrival. In a few minutes Pym came down with a letter in his hand and gave it to Adam, saying that the captain was too busy to see him, and had written everything he had to say. The letter was directed to Adam, but he went out of doors again before opening it. It contained a sealed enclosure directed to Hetty. On the inside of the cover Adam read: "In the enclosed letter I have written everything you wish. I leave it to you to decide whether you will be doing best to deliver it to Hetty or to return it to me. Ask yourself once more whether you are not taking a measure which may pain her more than mere silence.
"There is no need for our seeing each other again now. We shall meet with better feelings some months hence.
"A.D."
"Perhaps he"s i" th" right on "t not to see me," thought Adam. "It"s no use meeting to say more hard words, and it"s no use meeting to shake hands and say we"re friends again. We"re not friends, an" it"s better not to pretend it. I know forgiveness is a man"s duty, but, to my thinking, that can only mean as you"re to give up all thoughts o" taking revenge: it can never mean as you"re t" have your old feelings back again, for that"s not possible. He"s not the same man to me, and I can"t feel the same towards him. G.o.d help me! I don"t know whether I feel the same towards anybody: I seem as if I"d been measuring my work from a false line, and had got it all to measure over again."
But the question about delivering the letter to Hetty soon absorbed Adam"s thoughts. Arthur had procured some relief to himself by throwing the decision on Adam with a warning; and Adam, who was not given to hesitation, hesitated here. He determined to feel his way--to ascertain as well as he could what was Hetty"s state of mind before he decided on delivering the letter.
Chapter x.x.x.
The Delivery of the Letter.
THE next Sunday Adam joined the Poysers on their way out of church, hoping for an invitation to go home with them. He had the letter in his pocket, and was anxious to have an opportunity of talking to Hetty alone. He could not see her face at church, for she had changed her seat, and when he came up to her to shake hands, her manner was doubtful and constrained. He expected this, for it was the first time she had met him since she had been aware that he had seen her with Arthur in the Grove.
"Come, you"ll go on with us, Adam," Mr. Poyser said when they reached the turning; and as soon as they were in the fields Adam ventured to offer his arm to Hetty. The children soon gave them an opportunity of lingering behind a little, and then Adam said: "Will you contrive for me to walk out in the garden a bit with you this evening, if it keeps fine, Hetty? I"ve something partic"lar to talk to you about."
Hetty said, "Very well." She was really as anxious as Adam was that she should have some private talk with him. She wondered what he thought of her and Arthur. He must have seen them kissing, she knew, but she had no conception of the scene that had taken place between Arthur and Adam. Her first feeling had been that Adam would be very angry with her, and perhaps would tell her aunt and uncle, but it never entered her mind that he would dare to say anything to Captain Donnithorne. It was a relief to her that he behaved so kindly to her to-day, and wanted to speak to her alone, for she had trembled when she found he was going home with them lest he should mean "to tell." But, now he wanted to talk to her by herself, she should learn what he thought and what he meant to do. She felt a certain confidence that she could persuade him not to do anything she did not want him to do; she could perhaps even make him believe that she didn"t care for Arthur; and as long as Adam thought there was any hope of her having him, he would do just what she liked, she knew. Besides, she MUST go on seeming to encourage Adam, lest her uncle and aunt should be angry and suspect her of having some secret lover.
Hetty"s little brain was busy with this combination as she hung on Adam"s arm and said "yes" or "no" to some slight observations of his about the many hawthorn-berries there would be for the birds this next winter, and the low-hanging clouds that would hardly hold up till morning. And when they rejoined her aunt and uncle, she could pursue her thoughts without interruption, for Mr. Poyser held that though a young man might like to have the woman he was courting on his arm, he would nevertheless be glad of a little reasonable talk about business the while; and, for his own part, he was curious to heal the most recent news about the Chase Farm. So, through the rest of the walk, he claimed Adam"s conversation for himself, and Hetty laid her small plots and imagined her little scenes of cunning blandishment, as she walked along by the hedgerows on honest Adam"s arm, quite as well as if she had been an elegantly clad coquette alone in her boudoir. For if a country beauty in clumsy shoes be only shallow-hearted enough, it is astonishing how closely her mental processes may resemble those of a lady in society and crinoline, who applies her refined intellect to the problem of committing indiscretions without compromising herself. Perhaps the resemblance was not much the less because Hetty felt very unhappy all the while. The parting with Arthur was a double pain to her--mingling with the tumult of pa.s.sion and vanity there was a dim undefined fear that the future might shape itself in some way quite unlike her dream. She clung to the comforting hopeful words Arthur had uttered in their last meeting--"I shall come again at Christmas, and then we will see what can be done." She clung to the belief that he was so fond of her, he would never be happy without her; and she still hugged her secret--that a great gentleman loved her--with gratified pride, as a superiority over all the girls she knew. But the uncertainty of the future, the possibilities to which she could give no shape, began to press upon her like the invisible weight of air; she was alone on her little island of dreams, and all around her was the dark unknown water where Arthur was gone. She could gather no elation of spirits now by looking forward, but only by looking backward to build confidence on past words and caresses. But occasionally, since Thursday evening, her dim anxieties had been almost lost behind the more definite fear that Adam might betray what he knew to her uncle and aunt, and his sudden proposition to talk with her alone had set her thoughts to work in a new way. She was eager not to lose this evening"s opportunity; and after tea, when the boys were going into the garden and Totty begged to go with them, Hetty said, with an alacrity that surprised Mrs. Poyser, "I"ll go with her, Aunt."
It did not seem at all surprising that Adam said he would go too, and soon he and Hetty were left alone together on the walk by the filbert-trees, while the boys were busy elsewhere gathering the large unripe nuts to play at "cob-nut" with, and Totty was watching them with a puppylike air of contemplation. It was but a short time--hardly two months--since Adam had had his mind filled with delicious hopes as he stood by Hetty"s side un this garden. The remembrance of that scene had often been with him since Thursday evening: the sunlight through the apple-tree boughs, the red bunches, Hetty"s sweet blush. It came importunately now, on this sad evening, with the low-hanging clouds, but he tried to suppress it, lest some emotion should impel him to say more than was needful for Hetty"s sake.
"After what I saw on Thursday night, Hetty," he began, "you won"t think me making too free in what I"m going to say. If you was being courted by any man as "ud make you his wife, and I"d known you was fond of him and meant to have him, I should have no right to speak a word to you about it; but when I see you"re being made love to by a gentleman as can never marry you, and doesna think o" marrying you, I feel bound t" interfere for you. I can"t speak about it to them as are i" the place o" your parents, for that might bring worse trouble than"s needful."
Adam"s words relieved one of Hetty"s fears, but they also carried a meaning which sickened her with a strengthened foreboding. She was pale and trembling, and yet she would have angrily contradicted Adam, if she had dared to betray her feelings. But she was silent.
"You"re so young, you know, Hetty," he went on, almost tenderly, "and y" haven"t seen much o" what goes on in the world. It"s right for me to do what I can to save you from getting into trouble for want o" your knowing where you"re being led to. If anybody besides me knew what I know about your meeting a gentleman and having fine presents from him, they"d speak light on you, and you"d lose your character. And besides that, you"ll have to suffer in your feelings, wi" giving your love to a man as can never marry you, so as he might take care of you all your life."
Adam paused and looked at Hetty, who was plucking the leaves from the filbert-trees and tearing them up in her hand. Her little plans and preconcerted speeches had all forsaken her, like an ill-learnt lesson, under the terrible agitation produced by Adam"s words. There was a cruel force in their calm certainty which threatened to grapple and crush her flimsy hopes and fancies. She wanted to resist them--she wanted to throw them off with angry contradiction--but the determination to conceal what she felt still governed her. It was nothing more than a blind prompting now, for she was unable to calculate the effect of her words.
"You"ve no right to say as I love him," she said, faintly, but impetuously, plucking another rough leaf and tearing it up. She was very beautiful in her paleness and agitation, with her dark childish eyes dilated and her breath shorter than usual. Adam"s heart yearned over her as he looked at her. Ah, if he could but comfort her, and soothe her, and save her from this pain; if he had but some sort of strength that would enable him to rescue her poor troubled mind, as he would have rescued her body in the face of all danger!
"I doubt it must be so, Hetty," he said, tenderly; "for I canna believe you"d let any man kiss you by yourselves, and give you a gold box with his hair, and go a-walking i" the Grove to meet him, if you didna love him. I"m not blaming you, for I know it "ud begin by little and little, till at last you"d not be able to throw it off. It"s him I blame for stealing your love i" that way, when he knew he could never make you the right amends. He"s been trifling with you, and making a plaything of you, and caring nothing about you as a man ought to care."
"Yes, he does care for me; I know better nor you," Hetty burst out. Everything was forgotten but the pain and anger she felt at Adam"s words.
"Nay, Hetty," said Adam, "if he"d cared for you rightly, he"d never ha" behaved so. He told me himself he meant nothing by his kissing and presents, and he wanted to make me believe as you thought light of "em too. But I know better nor that. I can"t help thinking as you"ve been trusting to his loving you well enough to marry you, for all he"s a gentleman. And that"s why I must speak to you about it, Hetty, for fear you should be deceiving yourself. It"s never entered his head the thought o" marrying you."
"How do you know? How durst you say so?" said Hetty, pausing in her walk and trembling. The terrible decision of Adam"s tone shook her with fear. She had no presence of mind left for the reflection that Arthur would have his reasons for not telling the truth to Adam. Her words and look were enough to determine Adam: he must give her the letter.
"Perhaps you can"t believe me, Hetty, because you think too well of him--because you think he loves you better than he does. But I"ve got a letter i" my pocket, as he wrote himself for me to give you. I"ve not read the letter, but he says he"s told you the truth in it. But before I give you the letter, consider, Hetty, and don"t let it take too much hold on you. It wouldna ha" been good for you if he"d wanted to do such a mad thing as marry you: it "ud ha" led to no happiness i" th" end."