Chapter 208: 208
Alex who was doing a one hand stand in his room, was worried about the current events that had transpired . He felt that something bad was about to happen . Since not only did his Dad not return yet, Sir Lyner left, and Instructor Jay disappeared . He was also worried about the current status of his relations.h.i.+p with Rachel . A few days ago, Alex finally understood that he has feeling of liking Rachel as a woman . Yet even with this knowledge he didn"t know what to do with it .
He was also scared of Rachel finding out the true purpose of why he was protecting her . It is true that he is protecting her now because of his feelings for her, but that was not so in the beginning . In the beginning he merely a.s.sociated with Rachel because of his mission .
Now that he actually has feelings for her, finis.h.i.+ng the mission might prove even more difficult . Alex has great success in completing missions because he did things in an efficient and logical way that was within the parameters of the mission .
Now that he was confronted with this new unknown feelings, he didn"t know what to do since this new feelings made it difficult for him to think straight . He was someone who had sealed majority of his feelings and memories deep inside his subconscious mind to become stronger, so now that a new emotion sprouted from within him, it was only a matter of time before the floodgates open .
Alex understood that the future that he was dreading will come no matter how hard he tries .
"It seems like I can run no longer . . . " Alex was sure that when the time comes, when his emotions burst forth, and when the memory of his parents killer returns, things will change . The time when he either tells Rachel the truth or Rachel finds out the truth for herself is also nearing .
Even with the strength to fight an SS rank merc for a few blows, Alex still felt weak . Should he tell his friends about his past? If he does it now, instead of the time everyone confessed, Alex was sure everyone will be a bit angry at him .
Alex wasn"t sure what will happen, but he was sure it won"t be something nice . He then imagined a world were his friends hate him and deny him . He imagined a world were Rachel was crying and cursing at him learning the truth about his mission .
Thinking about all these things made Alex"s chest tighten . It made him feel like he wanted to throw-up . Still he held it in and continued his muscle training . Alex s.h.i.+fted from his right hand to a left hand stand .
"I wonder what will Dad think about all these? Will he understand what I"m going through? Will he even allow me to date the protection target of the mission? . . . Also the most important question will Rachel even want a person like me?"
Alex then remembered that he was a fraud, how could he start a relations.h.i.+p with Rachel if she keeps on lying to her . Actually was it even alright for a person like him, who only knows how to live in the battlefield be with a girl like Rachel, who hasn"t even seen the battlefield?
It was at that moment Alex started to question himself . In the first place was he the right person for Rachel? Will he be able to give the things Rachel deserved? Alex then imagined a future with Rachel, and after a short thought he got his answer . The answer that he arrived at was no .
The moment the memory of the killer of his parents return as well as the emotions he has pushed back inside of him get out . Alex felt like when that time arrives something will change, an unavoidable change will happen, and when that time comes he would not be able to give the kind of future Rachel deserved .
Even if some miracle happened and he was able to keep on suppressing his memories and emotions until the day he dies, Alex still can"t imagine a future with Rachel . Since Alex was a registered Merc, the moment an all out war breaks out, he will be forced to enter the battlefield once more .
He could try to get himself unregistered, but he knew that when an all out war broke out he would like to be there in the frontlines, since unlike before he had many more people he wanted to protect .
In the past he only had a mercenary family, who were all ready to die anytime . To him them dying was a bit sad but at the same time something to be expected, but when he thinks about Rachel, Lilitth, or even Evangeline dying just the thought of that made him feel a myriad of emotions boiling up .
Alex then switched back to his right hand and this time he only used one finger to stay upright .
"I wonder what I should do? Should I tell Rachel and the other the truth? If I do it now, maybe I could somehow control the situation . . . Who am I kidding, that"s impossible . What would I even say? Rachel I am a mercenary same as Sir Lyner . That"s not all, you know the reason why I started following you around ever since we first met, that"s because I had a mission to protect you . Obviously that won"t work, I may not understand human emotions that much, but based on my own understanding of Rachel she would hate me forever if I told her that . "
Alex was starting to sweat as he was getting frustrated . This was the first time in a long time, since Alex last felt frustrated . He now remembered why emotions get in the way of becoming stronger . Emotions stop you from thinking rationally and sometime forces you to make rash decisions .
"I hope Dad gets back soon, I really need his advise now . I would even take advice from Sir Lyner if he was here . I can"t really tell Oliver first, cause once Rachel figures out I told Oliver first about my secret that would be another set of problems . "
In the end no matter how much Alex thought about it he couldn"t find a solution . Now he only hopes that his Dad would return sooner, since he always knows what to do .