"I woke up with one brother-in-law, an" now I got seven," cried Bindle as he walked over and opened the gla.s.s-door, with white lace curtains tied back with blue ribbon, at the back of the shop.
"Martha," he shouted, "Martha, you"re wanted!"
An indistinct sound was heard and a minute later Mrs. Hearty appeared, enormously fat and wheezing painfully.
"That you, Joe?" she panted as she struck her ample bosom with clenched hand. "My breath! it"s that bad to-day." For a moment she stood blinking in the sunlight.
"See "em, Martha?" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed Bindle, pointing to Mr. Hearty and the "alibis." "Seven of "em. You"re a bigamist, sure as eggs, Martha, an"
Millie ain"t never goin" to be an orphan."
As she became accustomed to the glare of the sunlight, Mrs. Hearty looked in a dazed way at the group of "husbands," all gazing in her direction. Then she suddenly began to shake and wheeze. It took very little to make Mrs. Hearty laugh, sometimes nothing at all. Now she sat down suddenly on a sack of potatoes and heaved and shook with silent laughter.
Suddenly Mr. Hearty became galvanised into action.
"How--how dare you!" he fumed. "Get out of my shop, confound you!"
""Earty, "Earty!" protested Bindle, "fancy you a-usin" language like that. I"m surprised at you."
Mr. Hearty looked about him like a caged animal, then suddenly he turned to Bindle.
"Joseph," he cried, "I give these men in charge."
The men regarded Mr. Hearty with melancholy unconcern.
"Give "em in charge!" repeated Bindle in surprise. "Wot for?"
"They"re--they"re like me," stammered Mr. Hearty in a rage that, with a man of more robust nature, must have found vent in physical violence.
"Well," remarked Bindle judicially, "I can"t run a cove in for bein"
like you, "Earty. Although," he added as an afterthought, ""e ought to be in quod."
"It"s a scandal," stuttered Mr. Hearty, "it"s a--a----" He broke off, words were mild things to express his state of indignation. Turning to Bindle he cried, "Joseph, turn them out of my shop, in--in the name of the Law," he added melodramatically.
"You "ear, sonnies?" remarked Bindle, turning to the pa.s.sive six. ""Op it, although," he added meditatively as he eyed the six duplicates, "wot I"m to do with you if you won"t go, only "Eaven knows, an" "Eaven don"t confide in me."
The six figures themselves settled Bindle"s problem by marching solemnly out of the shop, each with a "Good afternoon, Joseph."
"Joseph, what is the meaning of this?" demanded Mr. Hearty, turning to Bindle as the last black-coated figure left the shop. "What is the meaning of this?"
"You may search me, "Earty," replied Bindle. "I should "ave called "em twins, if there "adn"t been so many. Sort o" litter, wasn"t it? "Ope they"re all respectable, or there"ll be trouble for you, "Earty. You"d better wear a bit o" ribbon round your arm, so"s we shall know you."
"Bindle, you"re at the bottom of this." Mrs. Bindle had come out of the back-parlour, just as the duplicates were leaving. She regarded her husband with a suspicion that amounted to certainty.
"Me?" queried Bindle innocently; "me at the bottom of wot?"
"You know something about these men. It"s a shame, and this Mr.
Hearty"s first day. Look how it"s upset him."
"Now "ow d"you think I could make six alibis like them----" Bindle"s defence was interrupted by the sound of music.
"Well, I"m blowed!" he exclaimed, "if it ain"t them alibis."
The "doubles" had all produced tin whistles, which they were playing as they marched slowly up and down in front of Mr. Hearty"s premises.
Five seemed to have selected each his own hymn without consultation with his fellows; the sixth, probably a secularist, had fallen back upon "The Men of Harlech."
A crowd was already gathering.
Mr. Hearty looked about him like a hunted rat, he rushed to the shop door, desperation in his eyes, violence in his mind. Before he had an opportunity of coming to a decision as to his course of action, a new situation arose, that distracted his thoughts from the unspeakable "alibis."
CHAPTER V
THE GATHERING OF THE BANDS
From the direction of Putney Bridge a large crowd was approaching.
People were leaning over the sides of omnibuses, staring out of the windows of trams, boys were whistling and exchanging comments, the purport of which Mr. Hearty could not quite catch. In this new excitement he forgot the "alibis," who gradually became absorbed in the growing throng that collected outside the shop.
Mr. Hearty gazed at the approaching mult.i.tude, misgiving in his soul.
He caught a glimpse of what looked like a pineapple walking in the midst of the crowd, next he saw a carrot, then an orange. He turned away, blinked his eyes and looked again. This time he saw, moving in his direction, an enormous bean, followed by a potato. Yes, there was no doubt about it, fruit and vegetables were walking up Putney High Street!
As they came nearer he saw that each vegetable was leading a donkey, on whose back were two boards, meeting at the top, thus forming a triangle, the base of which was strapped to the animal"s back. People were pointing to the boards and laughing. Mr. Hearty could not see what was written on them.
The sensation was terrific. A group of small boys who had run on ahead took up a position near the door of Mr. Hearty"s shop.
"That"s "im," cried one, "that"s Napoleon."
"No, it ain"t," said another, "that"s Caesar."
Mechanically Mr. Hearty waved the boys away. They repeated words that to him were meaningless, and then pointed to the approaching crowd.
Mr. Hearty was puzzled and alarmed.
"Look! guv"nor, there they are," shouted one of the boys.
Instinctively Mr. Hearty looked. At first he beheld only the donkeys, the animated fruit and the approaching crowd, then he suddenly saw his own name. A motor omnibus intervened. A moment later the donkeys and their boards came into full view. Mr. Hearty gasped.
On their boards were ingenious exhortations to the public to support the enterprise of Alfred Hearty, greengrocer, of Putney, Fulham and Wandsworth. Mr. Hearty read as one in a dream:
ALFRED HEARTY THE NAPOLEON OF GREENGROCERS
ALFRED HEARTY THE CAESAR OF FRUITERERS
ALFRED HEARTY THE PRINCE OF POTATO MERCHANTS
HEARTY"S TWO-SHILLING PINEAPPLE TRY IT IN YOUR BATH