Gupperduck ponderously. "A jaundiced view," he repeated, pleased with the phrase.
""Ave I really?" enquired Bindle anxiously. "I "ope it ain"t catchin".
No," he continued meditatively, "I wasn"t meant for chapels. I seem to be able to think best about "eaven when I"m settin" smokin" after supper, with Mrs. B. a-bangin" at the stove to remind me that I ain"t there yet."
"Wot does me," he continued, "is that I never yet see any of your chapel coves "appier for all your singin" an" prayin". Why is it? Look at you three now! If you was goin" to be plucked and trussed to-morrow, you couldn"t look more fidgety."
Instinctively each of the three looked at the other two. Mr.
Gupperduck shook his head hopelessly.
"You don"t understand, Joseph," murmured Mr. Hearty with mournful resignation.
"I can understand Ruddy Bill gettin" drunk," Bindle continued, "because "e do look "appy when "e"s got a skin-full; but I can"t understand you a-wantin" to pray, "Earty, I can"t really. I only once see a lot o" religious people "appy, an" that was when they got drunk by mistake. Lord, didn"t they teach me an" ole "Uggles things! "E blushes like a gal when I mentions it. "Uggles "as a nice mind, "e "as.
"Well, I must be goin", "Earty, in case them "Uns come over to-night.
You ought to be a special, "Earty, there"s some rare fine gals on Putney "Ill."
"Do you think there"ll be an air-raid to-night?" asked Mr. Gupperduck with something more than casual interest in his voice.
"May be," said Bindle casually, "may be not. Funny things, air-raids, they"ve changed a rare lot o" things," he remarked meditatively. "Once we used to want the moon to come out, sort o" made us think of gals and settin" on stiles. Mrs. B. was a rare one for moons and stiles, wasn"t you, Lizzie?"
"Don"t be disgusting, Bindle." There was anger in Mrs. Bindle"s voice.
"Now," continued Bindle imperturbably, "no cove don"t want to go out an" set on a stile a-"oldin" of a gal"s "and: not "im. When "is job"s done, "e starts orf for "ome like giddy-o, an" you don"t see "is nose again till the next mornin"."
Bindle paused to wink at Mr. Hearty.
"If there"s any gal now," he continued, "wot wants "er "and "eld on moonlight nights, she"ll "ave to "old it "erself, or wait till peace comes."
"If you would only believe, Mr. Bindle," said Mr. Gupperduck earnestly, making a final effort at Bindle"s salvation. ""If thou canst believe, all things are possible." Ah!"
Mr. Gupperduck started into an upright position with eyes dilated as a loud report was heard.
"What was that?" he cried.
"That," remarked Bindle drily, as he rose and picked up his peaked cap, "is the signal for you an" "Earty to put your trust in Gawd. In other words," he added, "it"s a gun, "im wot Fulham calls "The Barker.""
Bindle looked from Mr. Hearty, leaden-hued with fright, to Mr.
Gupperduck, whose teeth were chattering, on to Mrs. Bindle, who was white to the lips.
"Well, I must be orf," he said, adjusting his cap upon his head at a rakish angle. "If I don"t come back, Mrs. B., you"ll be a widow, an"
widows are wonderful things. Cheer-o! all."
Bindle turned and left the room, his niece Millie following him out into the pa.s.sage.
"Uncle Joe," she said, clutching hold of his coat sleeve, "you will be careful, won"t you?" Then with a little catch in her voice, she added, "You know you are the only Uncle Joe I"ve got."
And Bindle went out into the night where the guns thundered and the shrapnel burst in sinister white stabs in the sky, whilst over all brooded the Great Queen of the heavens, bathing in her white peace the red war of pigmies.
II
Two hours later Bindle"s ring at the Heartys" bell was answered by Millie.
"Oh, Uncle Joe!" she cried joyfully, "I"m so glad you"re back safe.
Hasn"t it been dreadful?" Her lower lip quivered a little.
"You ain"t been frightened, Millikins, "ave you?" enquired Bindle solicitously.
"A soldier"s wife isn"t afraid, Uncle Joe," she replied bravely.
Millie"s sweetheart, Charlie Dixon, was at the front.
"My! ain"t we gettin" a woman, Millikins," cried Bindle, putting his arm affectionately round her shoulders and kissing her cheek loudly.
"Everybody all right?" he enquired.
"Yes, I think so, Uncle Joe, but," she squeezed his arm, "I"m so glad you"re back. I"ve been thinking of you all the time. Every time there was a big bang I--I wondered----"
"Well, well!" interrupted Bindle, "we ain"t goin" to be down-"earted, are we? It"s over now, you"ll "ear the "All Clear" in a few minutes."
Bindle walked into the Heartys" parlour, where Mrs. Hearty was seated on the sofa half asleep.
""Ullo, Martha!" he cried.
"Ah! Joe," she said, "I"m glad you"re back. I"m afraid there"s been a lot of----" Her breath failed her, and she broke off into a wheeze.
Bindle looked about him curiously.
""Ullo! wot"s "appened to them three little cherubs?" he enquired.
Mrs. Hearty began to shake and wheeze with laughter, and Millie stood looking at Bindle.
"Wot"s "appened, Millikins?" he enquired. "Done a bunk, "ave they?"
"They"re--they"re in the potato-cellar, Uncle Joe," said Millie without the ghost of a smile. Somehow it seemed to her almost like a reflection on her own courage that her father and aunt should have thought only of their personal safety.
Bindle slapped his leg with keen enjoyment. "Well, I"m blowed!" he cried, "if that ain"t rich. Three people wot was talkin" about puttin"
their trust in Gawd a-goin" into that little funk-"ole. Well, I"m blowed!"
"Don"t laugh, Uncle Joe," began Millie, "I--I----" She broke off, unable to express what was in her mind.
"Don"t you worry, Millikins," he replied as he moved towards the door.
"I"d better go and tell "em that it"s all right."
Mr. Hearty"s potato-cellar was reached through a trap-door flush with the floor of the shop.
With the aid of an electric torch, Bindle looked about him. His eyes fell on a large pair of scales, on which were weights up to 7 lbs.
This gave him an idea. Carefully placing a box beside the trap-door, he lifted the scales and weights in his arms and, with great caution, mounted on to the top of the box. Suddenly he let the scales and weights fall with a tremendous crash, full in the centre of the trap-door, at the same time giving vent to a shout. Millie came running in from the parlour.
"Oh! Uncle Joe, what has happened?" she cried. "Are you hurt?"