"You shall have it, then," said the Major, as he squared himself in his chair, and thus began:--
"You have never been in Castle Connel, Hinton? Well, there is a wide bleak line of country there, that stretches away to the westward, with nothing but large round-backed mountains, low boggy swamps, with here and there a miserable mud hovel, surrounded by, maybe, half an acre of lumpers, or bad oats; a few small streams struggle through this on their way to the Shannon, but they are brown and dirty as the soil they traverse; and the very fish that swim in them are brown and s.m.u.tty also.
"In the very heart of this wild country, I took it into my head to build a house. A strange notion it was, for there was no neighbourhood and no sporting; but, somehow, I had taken a dislike to mixed society some time before that, and I found it convenient to live somewhat in retirement; so that, if the partridges were not in abundance about me, neither were the process-servers; and the truth was, I kept a much sharper look-out for the sub-sheriff than I did for the snipe.
"Of course, as I was over head and ears in debt, my notion was to build something very considerable and imposing; and, to be sure, I had a fine portico, and a flight of steps leading up to it; and there were ten windows in front, and a grand bal.u.s.trade at the top; and "faith, taking it all in all, the building was so strong, the walls so thick, the windows so narrow, and the stones so black, that my cousin Darcy Mahon called it Newgate; and not a bad name either--and the devil another it ever went by. And even that same had its advantages; for when the creditors used to read that at the top of my letters, they"d say, "Poor devil! he has enough on his hands: there"s no use troubling him any more." Well, big as Newgate looked from without, it had not much accommodation when you got inside. There was, "tis true, a fine hall, all flagged; and, out of it, you entered what ought to have been the dinner-room, thirty-eight feet by seven-and-twenty, but which was used for herding sheep in winter. On the right hand, there was a cosy little breakfast-room, just about the size of this we are in. At the back of the hall, but concealed by a pair of folding-doors, there was a grand staircase of old Irish oak, that ought to have led up to a great suite of bedrooms, but it only conducted to one--a little crib I had for myself. The remainder were never plastered nor floored; and, indeed, in one of them, that was over the big drawing-room, the joists were never laid--which was all the better, for it was there we used to keep our hay and straw. Now, at the time I mention, the harvest was not brought in, and instead of its being full, as it used to be, it was mighty low; so that, when you opened the door above the stairs, instead of finding the hay up beside you, it was about fourteen feet down beneath you.
"I can"t help boring you with all these details; first, because they are essential to my story; and next, because, being a young man, and a foreigner to boot, it may lead you to a little better understanding of some of our national customs. Of all the partialities we Irish have, after lush and the ladies, I believe our ruling pa.s.sion is to build a big house, spend every shilling we have, or that we have not, as the case may be, in getting it half finished, and then live in a corner of it, "just for grandeur," as a body may say. It"s a droll notion, after all; but show me the county in Ireland that hasn"t at least six specimens of what I mention.
"Newgate was a beautiful one; and although the she lived in the parlour, and the cows were kept in the blue drawing-room, Darby Whaley slept in the boudoir, and two bull-dogs and a buck goat kept house in the library--"faith, upon the outside it looked very imposing; and not one that saw it, from the highroad to Ennis--and you could see it for twelve miles in every direction--didn"t say, "That Mahon must be a snug fellow: look what a beautiful place he has of it there!" Little they knew that it was safer to go up the "Reeks" than my grand staircase, and it was like rope-dancing to pa.s.s from one room to the other.
"Well, it was about four o"clock in the afternoon of a dark lowering day in December that I was treading homewards in no very good-humour; for except a brace and a half of snipe, and a grey plover, I had met with nothing the whole day. The night was falling fast; so I began to hurry on as quickly as I could, when I heard a loud shout behind me, and a voice called out--
""It"s Bob Mahon, boys! By the Hill of Scariff, we are in luck!"
"I turned about, and what should I see but a parcel of fellows in red coats--they were the Blazers. There was Dan Lambert, Tom Burke, Harry Eyre, Joe M"Mahon, and the rest of them--fourteen souls in all. They had come down to draw a cover of Stephen Blake"s about ten miles from me; but, in the strange mountain country, they lost the dogs, they lost their way and their temper; in truth, to all appearance, they lost everything but their appet.i.tes. Their horses were dead beat too, and they looked as miserable a crew as ever you set eyes on.
""Isn"t it lucky, Bob, that we found you at home?" said Lambert.
""They told us you were away," says Burke.
""Some said that you were grown so pious that you never went out except on Sundays," added old Harry, with a grin.
""Begad," said I, "as to the luck, I won"t say much for it; for here"s all I can give you for your dinner"; and so I pulled out the four birds and shook them at them; "and as to the piety, troth, maybe you"d like to keep a fast with as devoted a son of the Church as myself."
""But isn"t that Newgate up there?" said one.
""That same."
""And you don"t mean to say that such a house as that hasn"t a good larder and a fine cellar?"
""You"re right," said I; "and they"re both full at this very moment--the one with seed-potatoes, and the other with Whitehaven coals."
""Have you got any bacon?" said M"Mahon.
""Oh yes!" said I, "there"s bacon."
""And eggs?" said another.
""For the matter of that, you might swim in batter."
""Come, come," said Dan Lambert, "we "re not so badly off after all."
""Is there whisky?" cried Eyre.
""Sixty-three gallons, that never paid the king sixpence!"
"As I said this, they gave three cheers you"d have heard a mile off.
"After about twenty minutes" walking, we got up to the house, and when poor Darby opened the door, I thought he "d faint; for, you see, the red coats made him think it was the army, coming to take me away; and he was for running off to raise the country, when I caught him by the neck.
""It"s the Blazers, ye old fool!" said I, "The gentlemen are come to dine here."
""Hurroo!" said he, clapping his hands on his knees--"there must be great distress entirely, down about Nenagh, and them parts, or they"d never think of coming up here for a bit to eat."
""Which way lie the stables, Bob?" said Burke.
""Leave all that to Darby," said I; for ye see he had only to whistle and bring up as many people as he liked. And so he did too; and as there was room for a cavalry regiment, the horses were soon bedded down and comfortable; and in ten minutes" time we were all sitting pleasantly round a big fire, waiting for the rashers and eggs.
""Now, if you"d like to wash your hands before dinner, Lambert, come along with me."
""By all means," said he.
"The others were standing up too; but I observed that as the house was large, and the ways of it unknown to them, it was better to wait till I"d come back for them.
""This was a real piece of good-luck, Bob," said Dan, as he followed me upstairs. "Capital quarters we"ve fallen into; and what a snug bedroom ye have here."
""Yes," said I carelessly; "it"s one of the small rooms. There are eight like this, and five large ones, plainly furnished, as you see; but for the present, you know----"
""Oh, begad! I wish for nothing better. Let me sleep here--the other fellows may care for your four-posters with satin hangings."
""Well," said I, "if you are really not joking, I may tell you that the room is one of the warmest in the house"--and this was telling no lie.
""Here I "ll sleep," said he, rubbing his hands with satisfaction, and giving the bed a most affectionate look. "And now let us join the rest."
"When I brought Dan down, I took up Burke, and after him M"Mahon, and so on to the last; but every time I entered the parlour, I found them all bestowing immense praises on my house, and each fellow ready to bet he had got the best bedroom.
"Dinner soon made its appearance; for if the cookery was not very perfect, it was at least wonderfully expeditious. There were two men cutting rashers, two more frying them in the pan, and another did nothing but break the eggs, Darby running from the parlour to the kitchen and back again, as hard as he could trot.
"Do you know, now, that many a time since, when I have been giving venison, and Burgundy and claret enough to swim a lifeboat in, I often thought it was a cruel waste of money; for the fellows weren"t half as pleasant as they were that evening on bacon and whisky!
"I"ve a theory on that subject, Hinton, I"ll talk to you more about another time; I"ll only observe now, that I"m sure we all overfeed our company. I"ve tried both plans; and my honest experience is, that as far as regards conviviality, fun, and good-fellowship, it is a great mistake to provide too well for your guests. There is something heroic in eating your mutton-chop, or your leg of a turkey, among jolly fellows; there is a kind of reflective flattering about it that tells you you have been invited for your drollery, and not for your digestion; and that your jokes and not your flattery have been your recommendation. Lord bless you! I "ve laughed more over red-herrings and poteen than I ever expect to do again over turtle and toquay.
"My guests were, to do them justice, a good ill.u.s.tration of my theory.
A pleasanter and a merrier party never sat down together. We had good songs, good stories, plenty of laughing, and plenty of drink; until at last poor Darby became so overpowered, by the fumes of the hot water I suppose, that he was obliged to be carried up to bed, and so we were compelled to boil the kettle in the parlour. This, I think, precipitated matters; for, by some mistake, they put punch into it instead of water, and the more you tried to weaken the liquor, it was only the more tipsy you were getting.
"About two o"clock, five of the party were under the table, three more were nodding backwards and forwards like insane pendulums, and the rest were mighty noisy, and now and then rather disposed to be quarrelsome.
""Bob," said Lambert to me, in a whisper, "if it"s the same thing to you, I"ll slip away and get into bed."
""Of course, if you won"t take anything more. Just make yourself at home; and as you don"t know the way here, follow me."
""I "m afraid," said he, "I "d not find my way alone."
""I think," said I, "it"s very likely. But come along!"
"I walked upstairs before him; but instead of turning to the left, I went the other way, till I came to the door of the large room that I have told you already was over the big drawing-room. Just as I put my hand on the lock, I contrived to blow out the candle, as if it was the wind.