Had Madam Westfall ever said that? She didn"t know, but she had to write something, and that was the sort of thing that Madam Westfall had quoted at great length. She threw herself down on the cot and stared at the ceiling. For three days she had kept hearing the Madam"s dead voice, but now when she needed to hear her again, nothing.
Sitting in the straight chair, alert for any change in the position of the ancient one, watchful, afraid of the old Teacher. Cramped, tired and sleepy. Half listening to mutterings, murmurings of exhaled and inhaled breaths that sounded like words that made no sense....Mama said hide child, hide don"t move and Stevie wanted a razor for his birthday and Mama said you"re too young, you"re only nine and he said no Mama I"m thirteen don"t you remember and Mama said hide child hide don"t move at all and they came in hating pretty faces...
Carla sat up and picked up the pen again, then stopped. When she heard the words, they were so clear in her head, but as soon as they ended, they faded away. She wrote: "hating pretty faces.... hide child.... only nine." She stared at the words and drew a line through them.
Pretty faces. Madam Westfall had called her pretty, pretty.
The chimes for social hour were repeated three times and finally Carla opened the door of her cubicle and took a step into the anteroom where the other proteges already had gathered. There were five. Carla didn"t know any of them, but she had seen all of them from time to time in and around the school grounds. Madam Trudeau was sitting on a high-backed chair that was covered with black. She blended into it, so that only her hands and her face seemed apart from the chair, dead white hands and face. Carla bowed to her and stood uncertainly at her own door.
"Come in, Carla. It is social hour. Relax. This is Wanda, Louise, Stephanie, Mary, Dorothy." Each girl inclined her head slightly as her name was mentioned. Carla couldn"t tell afterward which name went with which girl. Two of them wore the black-striped overskirt that meant they were in the Teacher"s Academy. The other three still wore the gray of the lower school, as did Carla, with black bordering the hems.
"Carla doesn"t want to be a Teacher," Madam Trudeau said drily. "She prefers the paint box of a Lady." She smiled with her mouth only. One of the academy girls laughed. "Carla, you are not the first to envy the paint box and the bright clothes of the Ladies. I have something to show you. Wanda, the film."
The girl who had laughed touched a b.u.t.ton on a small table and on one of the walls a picture was projected. Carla caught her breath. It was a Lady, all gold and white, gold hair, gold eyelids, filmy white gown that ended just above her knees. She turned and smiled, holding out both hands, flashing jeweled fingers, long, gleaming nails that came to points. Then she reached up and took off her hair.
Carla felt that she would faint when the golden hair came off in the Lady"s hands, leaving short, straight brown hair. She placed the gold hair on a ball, and then, one by one, stripped off the long gleaming nails, leaving her hands just hands, bony and ugly. The Lady peeled off her eyelashes and brows, and then patted a brown, thick coating of something on her face, and, with its removal, revealed pale skin with wrinkles about her eyes, with hard, deep lines aside her nose down to her mouth that had also changed, had become small and mean. Carla wanted to shut her eyes, turn away and go back to her cubicle, but she didn"t dare move. She could feel Madam Trudeau"s stare, and the gaze seemed to burn.
The Lady took off the swirling gown, and under it was a garment Carla never had seen before that covered her from her b.r.e.a.s.t.s to her thighs. The stubby fingers worked at fasteners, and finally got the garment off, and there was her stomach, bigger, bulging, with cruel red lines where the garment had pinched and squeezed her. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s drooped almost to her waist. Carla couldn"t stop her eyes, couldn"t make them not see, couldn"t make herself not look at the rest of the repulsive body.
Madam Trudeau stood up and went to her door. "Show Carla the other two films." She looked at Carla then and said, I order you to watch. I shall quiz you on the contents." She left the room.
The other two films showed the same Lady at work. First with a protege, then with a male citizen. When they were over Carla stumbled back to her cubicle and vomited repeatedly until she was exhausted. She had nightmares that night.
How many days, she wondered, have I been here now? She no longer trembled, but became detached almost as soon as she took her place between two of the tall windows. She didn"t try to catch a whiff of the fragrance of the Ladies, or try to get a glimpse of the Males. She had chosen one particular spot in the floor on which to concentrate, and she didn"t shift her gaze from it.
They were old and full of hate, and they said, let us remake them in our image, and they did.
Madam Trudeau hated her, despised her. Old and full of hate...
"Why were you not chosen to become a Woman to bear young?"
"I am not fit, Madam. I am weak and timid."
"Look at your hips, thin, like a Male"s hips. And your b.r.e.a.s.t.s, small and hard." Madam Trudeau turned away in disgust. "Why were you not chosen to become a Professional, a Doctor, or a Technician?"
"I am not intelligent enough, Madam. I require many hours of study to grasp the mathematics."
"So. Weak, frail, not too bright. Why do you weep?"
"I don"t know, Madam. I am sorry."
"Go to your cubicle. You disgust me."
Staring at a flaw in the floor, a place where an indentation distorted the light, creating one very small oval shadow, wondering when the ordeal would end, wondering why she couldn"t fill the notebook with the many things that Madam Westfall had said, things that she could remember here, and could not remember when she was in her cubicle with pen poised over the notebook.
Sometimes Carla forgot where she was, found herself in the chamber of Madam Westfall, watching the ancient one struggle to stay alive, forcing breaths in and out, refusing to admit death. Watching the incomprehensible dials and tubes and bottles of fluids with lowering levels, watching needles that vanished into flesh, tubes that disappeared under the bedclothes, that seemed to writhe now and again with a secret life, listening to the mumbling voice, the groans and sighs, the meaningless words.
Three times they rose against the children and three times slew them until there were none left none at all because the contagion had spread and all over ten were infected and carried radios...
Radios? A disease? Infected with radios, spreading it among young people?
And Mama said hide child hide and don"t move and put this in the cave too and don"t touch it.
Carla"s relief came and numbly she walked from the Viewing Room. She watched the movement of the black border of her skirt as she walked and it seemed that the blackness crept up her legs, enveloped her middle, climbed her front until it reached her neck, and then it strangled her. She clamped her jaws hard and continued to walk her measured pace.
The girls who had attended Madam Westfall in life were on duty throughout the school ceremonies after the viewing. They were required to stand in a line behind the dais. There were eulogies to the patience and firmness of the first Teacher. Eulogies to her wisdom in setting up the rules of the school. Carla tried to keep her attention on the speakers, but she was so tired and drowsy that she heard only s.n.a.t.c.hes. Then she was jolted into awareness. Madam Trudeau was talking.
"...a book that will be the guide to all future Teachers, showing them the way through personal tribulations and trials to achieve the serenity that was Madam Westfall"s. I am honored by this privilege, in choosing me and my apprentices to accomplish this end..."
Carla thought of the gibberish that she had been putting down in her notebook and she blinked back tears of shame. Madam Trudeau should have told them why she wanted the information. She would have to go back over it all and destroy all the nonsense that she had written down.
Late that afternoon the entourage formed that would accompany Madam Westfall to her final ceremony in Scranton, her native city, where her burial would return her to her family.
Madam Trudeau had an interview with Carla before departure. "You will be in charge of the other girls," she said. "I expect you to maintain order. You will report any disturbance, or any infringement of rules immediately, and if that is not possible, if I am occupied, you will personally impose order in my name."
"Yes, Madam."
"Very well. During the journey the girls will travel together in a compartment of the tube. Talking will be permitted, but no laughter, no childish play. When we arrive at the Scranton home, you will be given rooms with cots. Again you will all comport yourselves with the dignity of the office which you are ordered to fulfill at this time."
Carla felt excitement mount within her as the girls lined up to take their places along the sides of the casket. They went with it to a closed limousine where they sat knee to knee, unspeaking, hot, to be taken over smooth highways for an hour to the tube. Madam Westfall had refused to fly in life, and was granted the same rights in death, so her body was to be transported from Wilmington to Scranton by the rocket tube. As soon as the girls had accompanied the casket to its car, and were directed to their own compartment, their voices raised in a babble. It was the first time any of them had left the schoolgrounds since entering them at the age of five.
Ruthie was going to work in the infants" wards, and she turned faintly pink and soft looking when she talked about it. Luella was a music apprentice already, having shown skill on the piano at an early age. Lorette preened herself slightly and announced that she had been chosen as a Lover by a Gentleman. She would become a Lady one day. Carla stared at her curiously, wondering at her pleased look, wondering if she had not been shown the films yet. Lorette was blue-eyed, with pale hair, much the same build as Carla. Looking at her, Carla could imagine her in soft dresses, with her mouth painted, her hair covered by the other hair that was cloud soft and shiny...She looked at the girl"s cheeks flushed with excitement at the thought of her future, and she knew that with or without the paint box, Lorette would be a Lady whose skin would be smooth, whose mouth would be soft...
"The fuzz is so soft now, the flesh so tender." She remembered the scent, the softness of the Lady"s hands, the way her skirt moved about her red-clad thighs.
She bit her lip. But she didn"t want to be a Lady. She couldn"t ever think of them again without loathing and disgust. She was chosen to be a Teacher.
They said it is the duty of society to prepare its non-citizens for citizenship but it is recognized that there are those who will not meet the requirements and society itself is not to be blamed for those occasional failures that must accrue.
She took out her notebook and wrote the words in it.
"Did you just remember something else she said?" Lisa asked. She was the youngest of the girls, only ten, and had attended Madam Westfall one time. She seemed to be very tired.
Carla looked over what she had written, and then read it aloud. "It"s from the school rules book," she said. "Maybe changed a little, but the same meaning. You"ll study it in a year or two."
Lisa nodded. "You know what she said to me? She said I should go hide in the cave, and never lose my birth certificate. She said I should never tell anyone where the radio is." She frowned. "Do you know what a cave is? And a radio?"
"You wrote it down, didn"t you? In the notebook?"
Lisa ducked her head. "I forgot again. I remembered it once and then forgot again until now." She searched through her cloth travel bag for her notebook and when she didn"t find it, she dumped the contents on the floor to search more carefully. The notebook was not there.
"Lisa, when did you have it last?"
"I don"t know. A few days ago. I don"t remember."
"When Madam Trudeau talked to you the last time, did you have it then?"
"No. I couldn"t find it. She said if I didn"t have it the next time I was called for an interview, she"d whip me. But I can"t find it!" She broke into tears and threw herself down on her small heap of belongings. She beat her fists on them and sobbed. "She"s going to whip me and I can"t find it. I can"t. It"s gone."
Carla stared at her. She shook her head. "Lisa, stop that crying. You couldn"t have lost it. Where? There"s no place to lose it. You didn"t take it from your cubicle, did you?"
The girl sobbed louder. "No. No. No. I don"t know where it is."
Carla kneeled by her and pulled the child up from the floor to a squatting position. "Lisa, what did you put in the notebook? Did you play with it?"
Lisa turned chalky white and her eyes became very large, then she closed them, no longer weeping.
"So you used it for other things? Is that it? What sort of things?"
Lisa shook her head. "I don"t know. Just things."
"All of it? The whole notebook?"
"I couldn"t help it. I didn"t know what to write down. Madam Westfall said too much. I couldn"t write it all. She wanted to touch me and I was afraid of her and I hid under the chair and she kept calling me, "Child, come here don"t hide, I"m not one of them. Go to the cave and take it with you." And she kept reaching for me with her hands. I...they were like chicken claws. She would have ripped me apart with them. She hated me. She said she hated me. She said I should have been killed with the others, why wasn"t I killed with the others."
Carla, her hands hard on the child"s shoulders, turned away from the fear and despair she saw on the girl"s face. Ruthie pushed past her and hugged the child.
"Hush, hush, Lisa. Don"t cry now. Hush. There, there."
Carla stood up and backed away. "Lisa, what sort of things did you put in the notebook?"
"Just things that I like. Snowflakes and flowers and designs."
"All right. Pick up your belongings and sit down. We must be nearly there. It seems like the tube is stopping."
Again they were shown from a closed compartment to a closed limousine and whisked over countryside that remained invisible to them. There was a drizzly rain falling when they stopped and got out of the car.
The Westfall house was a three-storied, pseudo-Victorian wooden building, with balconies and cupolas, and many chimneys. There was scaffolding about it, and one of the three porches had been torn away and was being replaced as restoration of the house, turning it into a national monument, progressed. The girls accompanied the casket to a gloomy, large room where the air was chilly and damp, and scant lighting cast deep shadows. After the casket had been positioned on the dais which also had accompanied it, the girls followed Madam Trudeau through narrow corridors, up narrow steps, to the third floor where two large rooms had been prepared for them, each containing seven cots.
Madam Trudeau showed them the bathroom that would serve their needs, told them good-night, and motioned Carla to follow her. They descended the stairs to a second floor room that had black, ma.s.sive furniture: a desk, two straight chairs, a bureau with a wavery mirror over it, and a large canopied bed.
Madam Trudeau paced the black floor silently for several minutes without speaking, then she swung around and said, "Carla, I heard every word that silly little girl said this afternoon. She drew pictures in her notebook! This is the third time the word cave has come up in reports of Madam Westfall"s mutterings. Did she speak to you of caves?"
Carla"s mind was whirling. How had she heard what they had said? Did maturity also bestow magical abilities? She said, "Yes, Madam, she spoke of hiding in a cave."
"Where is the cave, Carla? Where is it?"
"I don"t know, Madam. She didn"t say."
Madam Trudeau started to pace once more. Her pale face was drawn in lines of concentration that carved deeply into her flesh, two furrows straight up from the inner brows, other lines at the sides of her nose, straight to her chin, her mouth tight and hard. Suddenly she sat down and leaned back in the chair. "Carla, in the last four or five years Madam Westfall became childishly senile; she was no longer living in the present most of the time, but was reliving incidents in her past. Do you understand what I mean?"
Carla nodded, then said hastily, "Yes, Madam."
"Yes. Well it doesn"t matter. You know that I have been commissioned to write the biography of Madam Westfall, to immortalize her writings and her utterances. But there is a gap, Carla. A large gap in our knowledge, and until recently it seemed that the gap never would be filled in. When Madam Westfall was found as a child, wandering in a dazed condition, undernourished, almost dead from exposure, she did not know who she was, where she was from, anything about her past at all. Someone had put an identification bracelet on her arm, a steel bracelet that she could not remove, and that was the only clue there was about her origins. For ten years she received the best medical care and education available, and her intellect sparkled brilliantly, but she never regained her memory."
Madam Trudeau shifted to look at Carla. A trick of the lighting made her eyes glitter like jewels. "You have studied how she started her first school with eight students, and over the next century developed her teaching methods to the point of perfection that we now employ throughout the nation, in the Males" school as well as the Females". Through her efforts Teachers have become the most respected of all citizens and the schools the most powerful of all inst.i.tutions." A mirthless smile crossed her face, gone almost as quickly as it formed, leaving the deep shadows, lines, and the glittering eyes. "I honored you more than you yet realize when I chose you for my protege."
The air in the room was too close and dank, smelled of moldering wood and unopened places. Carla continued to watch Madam Trudeau, but she was feeling light-headed and exhausted and the words seemed interminable to her. The glittering eyes held her gaze and she said nothing. The thought occurred to her that Madam Trudeau would take Madam Westfall"s place as head of the school now.
"Encourage the girls to talk, Carla. Let them go on as much as they want about what Madam Westfall said, lead them into it if they stray from the point. Written reports have been sadly deficient." She stopped and looked questioningly at the girl. "Yes? What is it?"
"Then...I mean after they talk, are they to write...? Or should I try to remember and write it all down?"
"There will be no need for that," Madam Trudeau said. "Simply let them talk as much as they want."
"Yes, Madam."
"Very well. Here is a schedule for the coming days. Two girls on duty in the Viewing Room at all times from dawn until dark, yard exercise in the enclosed garden behind the building if the weather permits, kitchen duty and so on. Study it, and direct the girls to their duties. On Sat.u.r.day afternoon everyone will attend the burial, and on Sunday we return to the school. Now go."
Carla bowed, and turned to leave. Madam Trudeau"s voice stopped her once more. "Wait, Carla. Come here. You may brush my hair before you leave."
Carla took the brush in numb fingers and walked obediently behind Madam Trudeau who was loosening hair clasps that restrained her heavy black hair. It fell down her back like a dead snake, uncoiling slowly. Carla started to brush it.
"Harder, girl. Are you so weak that you can"t brush hair?"
She plied the brush harder until her arm became heavy and then Madam Trudeau said, "Enough. You are a clumsy girl, awkward and stupid. Must I teach you everything, even how to brush one"s hair properly?" She yanked the brush from Carla"s hand and now there were two spots of color on her cheeks and her eyes were flashing. "Get out. Go! Leave me! On Sat.u.r.day immediately following the funeral you will administer punishment to Lisa for scribbling in her notebook. Afterward report to me. And now get out of here!"
Carla s.n.a.t.c.hed up the schedule and backed across the room, terrified of the Teacher who seemed demoniacal suddenly. She b.u.mped into the other chair and nearly fell down. Madam Trudeau laughed shortly and cried, "Clumsy, awkward! You would be a Lady! You?"
Carla groped behind her for the doork.n.o.b and finally escaped into the hallway, where she leaned against the wall trembling too hard to move on. Something crashed into the door behind her and she stifled a scream and ran. The brush. Madam had thrown the brush against the door.
Madam Westfall"s ghost roamed all night, chasing shadows in and out of rooms, making the floors creak with her pa.s.sage, echoes of her voice drifting in and out of the dorm where Carla tossed restlessly. Twice she sat upright in fear, listening intently, not knowing why. Once Lisa cried out and she went to her and held her hand until the child quieted again. When dawn lighted the room Carla was awake and standing at the windows looking at the ring of mountains that encircled the city. Black shadows against the lesser black of the sky, they darkened, and suddenly caught fire from the sun striking their tips. The fire spread downward, went out and became merely light on the leaves that were turning red and gold. Carla turned from the view, unable to explain the pain that filled her. She awakened the first two girls who were to be on duty with Madam Westfall and after their quiet departure, returned to the window. The sun was all the way up now, but its morning light was soft; there were no hard outlines anywhere. The trees were a blend of colors with no individual boundaries, and rocks and earth melted together and were one. Birds were singing with the desperation of summer"s end and winter"s approach.
"Carla?" Lisa touched her arm and looked up at her with wide, fearful eyes. "Is she going to whip me?"
"You will be punished after the funeral," Carla said, stiffly. "And I should report you for touching me, you know."
The child drew back, looking down at the black border on Carla"s skirt. "I forgot." She hung her head. "I"m...I"m so scared."
"It"s time for breakfast, and after that we"ll have a walk in the gardens. You"ll feel better after you get out in the sunshine and fresh air."
"Chrysanthemums, dahlias, marigolds. No, the small ones there, with the brown fringes..." Luella pointed out the various flowers to the other girls. Carla walked in the rear, hardly listening, trying to keep her eye on Lisa, who also trailed behind. She was worried about the child. She had not slept well, had eaten no breakfast, and was so pale and wan that she didn"t look strong enough to take the short garden walk with them.
Eminent personages came and went in the gloomy old house and huddled together to speak in lowered voices. Carla paid little attention to them. "I can change it after I have some authority," she said to a still inner self who listened and made no reply. "What can I do now? I"m property. I belong to the state, to Madam Trudeau and the school. What good if I disobey and am also whipped? Would that help any? I won"t hit her hard." The inner self said nothing, but she thought she could hear a mocking laugh come from the mummy that was being honored.
They had all those empty schools, miles and miles of school halls where no feet walked, desks where no students sat, books that no students scribbled up, and they put the children in them and they could see immediately who couldn"t keep up, couldn"t learn the new ways and they got rid of them. Smart. Smart of them. They were smart and had the goods and the money and the hatred. My G.o.d, they hated. That"s who wins, who hates most. And is more afraid. Every time.