Agent to the Stars.
by John Scalzi.
Introduction.
Hi there.
In the summer of 1997, I was 28 years old, and I decided that after years of thinking about writing a novel, I was simply going to go ahead and write one. There were two motivations for doing so. First, I was simply curious if I could; I"d had up to that time a reasonably successful life as a writer, but I"d never written anything longer than ten pages in my life outside of a cla.s.sroom setting. Two, my ten-year high school reunion was coming up, and I wanted to be able to say I"d finished a novel just in case anyone asked (they didn"t, the b.a.s.t.a.r.ds).
In sitting down to write the novel, I decided to make it easy on myself. I decided first that I wasn"t going to try to write something near and dear to my heart, just a fun story. That way, if I screwed it up (which was a real possibility), it wasn"t like I was s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g up the One Story That Mattered To Me. I decided also that the goal of writing the novel was the actual writing of it -- not the selling of it, which is usually the goal of a novelist. I didn"t want to worry about whether it was good enough to sell; I just wanted to have the experience of writing a story over the length of a novel, and see what I thought about it. Not every writer is a novelist; I wanted to see if I was.
Making these two decisions freed me from a lot of the usual angst and pain that comes from writing a first novel. This was in all respects a "practice" novel -- a setting for me to play with the form to see what worked, and what didn"t, and what I"d need to do to make the next novel worth selling.
It worked. I picked a fun, humorous story -- aliens from another world decide to get an agent -- and I just let it take me where it wanted to go. I banged out the chapters on the weekends, using the weekdays to let my mind figure out what to do next. The writing was fun, and for the most part it was easy, and in three months, the whole thing was done (and just in time for my high-school reunion).
Once the novel was finished, I decided, what the heck, I might as well try to sell it. This was not particularly successful. The agents I shopped it to liked the writing, but said humorous SF was hard place; the publishers liked the writing but said humorous SF was hard to sell. I wasn"t terribly put out about this; this was a practice novel, after all. But on the other hand I thought it was good enough to let other people see it.
So in early 1999, I decided to put it online as a "shareware novel." The premise was simple: People could read it, and if they liked it, they could send me a dollar, or whatever sum they liked (even if that sum was zero). If they didn"t like it, well, clearly, they wouldn"t have to send me anything. It was a no-risk proposition for the reader. I didn"t expect to see a dime from it, but as it turns out, over five years I made about $4,000 (well, I think it was about that much. I stopped counting after a while. I know I made enough to buy a laptop and lots of pizzas. More than enough).
Fast forward to today. My second novel, Old Man"s War, did indeed sell to a publisher, thanks in no small part to the experience earned writing this novel. And between the writing of this novel and the publication of that one, five other books slipped out of my brain, due in some measure to my confidence that I could write book-length works, be they fiction or non-fiction. In a sense, this novel is the midwife to every book since. For this reason alone, it holds a special place in my heart. It doesn"t hurt that it"s a fun story, too.
And now here it is for you to read. I"m no longer soliciting a dollar if you enjoy the novel; the story has long since proved its worth in that respect. I offer it freely to give new readers a sample of my writing (perchance to tempt them to pick up one of the other books), and to say "thanks" to those who picked up another of my books and were curious enough about the author to find their way here. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it, and have enjoyed all the writing since.
John Scalzi.
December 8, 2004.
Chapter One.
"Fourteen million and 15% of the gross? For Mich.e.l.le Beck? You"re out of your f.u.c.king mind, Tom."
Headsets are a G.o.dsend; they allow you to speak on the phone while leaving your hands free for the truly important things. My hands were currently occupied with a blue rubber racquetball, which I was lightly bouncing off the pane of my office window. Each quiet thock left a tiny imprint on the gla.s.s. It looked like a litter of poodles had levitated six feet off the ground and schmooged their noses against the window. Someone would eventually have to wipe them all off.
"I"ve had my medication for today, Brad," I said. "Believe me, 14 million and 15 points is a perfectly sane figure, from my client"s point of view."
"She"s not worth anywhere near that much," Brad said. "A year ago she was paid $375,000, flat. I know. I wrote the check."
"A year ago, Summertime Blues hadn"t hit the theaters, Brad. It"s now $220 million dollars later. Not to mention your own Murdered Earth -- $85 million for perhaps the worst film in recent history. And that"s before foreign, where no one will notice that there"s no plot. I"d say you got your one cheap taste. Now you"ve gotta pay."
"Murdered Earth wasn"t that bad. And she wasn"t the star."
"I quote Variety," I said, catching the ball left-handed for the briefest of seconds before hurling it back against the gla.s.s, ""Murdered Earth is the sort of film you hope never makes it to broadcast television, because nearby aliens might pick up its broadcast signal and use it as an excuse to annihilate us all." That was one of the nicer comments. And if she wasn"t the star, why did you plaster her all over the posters and give her second billing?"
"What are you all about?" Brad said. "I remember you practically doing me for that artwork and billing."
"So you"re saying you"ll do anything I say? Great! Fourteen million and 15% of the gross. Gee, that was easy."
The door opened. I turned away from the window to face my desk. Miranda Escalon, my administrative a.s.sistant, entered my office and slipped me a note. Mich.e.l.le just called, it read. Remember that you have to get them to pay for her hairdresser and makeup artist.
"Look, Tom," Brad said. "You know we want Mich.e.l.le. But you"re asking too much. Allen is getting $20 million and 20% of the gross. If we give Mich.e.l.le what she wants, that"s $35 million and a third of the gross right there. Where do you suggest we might make a profit?"
$14 million, she can pay for her own d.a.m.n hair, I wrote on the pad. Miranda read it and raised her eyebrows. She left the room. The odds of her actually giving that message to Mich.e.l.le were unimaginably remote. She"s not paid to do everything I say -- she"s paid to do everything I should say. There"s a difference.
"I have two points to make here," I said, turning my attention back to Brad. "First: Allen Green isn"t my client. If he were, I"d be endlessly fascinated by the amount of money you"re throwing to him. But he is not. Therefore, I could not possibly give two s.h.i.ts about what you"re handing him. My responsibility is to my client and getting a fair deal for her. Second: $20 million for Allen Green? You"re an idiot."
"Allen Green is a major star."
"Allen Green was a major star," I said, "When I was in high school. I"m about to go back for my 10th year reunion. He"s been out in the wilderness for a long time, Brad. Mich.e.l.le, on the other hand, is a major star. Right now. $300 million in her last two films. Fourteen million is a bargain."
The door opened. Miranda popped her head in. She"s back, she mouthed.
"Tom," Brad began.
"Hold on a second, Brad. The woman herself is on the other line." I cut him off before he could say anything. "What?" I said to Miranda.
"Miss Thing says she has to talk to you right now about something very important that can"t wait."
"Tell her I"m already working on the hairdresser."
"No, it"s even more important than that," Miranda said. "From the sound of it, it may be the most important thing ever in the history of mankind. Even more important than the invention of liposuction."
"Don"t be mocking liposuction, Miranda. It has extended the career of many an actress, thus benefiting their agents, allowing them to pay your salary. Liposuction is your friend."
"Line two," Miranda said. "Let me know if fat-sucking is toppled."
I punched the b.u.t.ton for line two. Ambient street noise filled my earphones. Mich.e.l.le was undoubtedly careening along Santa Monica Boulevard.
"Mich.e.l.le," I said. "I"m trying to make you very rich. Whatever it is, make it quick."
"Ellen Merlow got Hard Memories." Mich.e.l.le said. "I thought I was in the running for that. I thought I had it."
"Don"t feel too bad about it, Mich.e.l.le," I said. "Everyone was up for that one. If you didn"t get it, that puts you in there with Jessica Lange and Meryl Streep. You"re in good company. Besides, the pay wasn"t that good."
I heard a short brake squeal, followed by a horn and some m.u.f.fled yelling. Mich.e.l.le had cut someone off. "Tom, I need roles like that, you know? I don"t want to be doing Summertime Blues for the next ten years. This role would have helped me stretch. I want to work on my craft."
At the word craft, I mimed stabbing myself in the eye. "Mich.e.l.le, right now you"re the biggest female star in Hollywood. Let"s work with that for a couple of movies, okay? Get a nice nest egg. Your craft will still be there later."
"I"m right for this role, Tom."
"The role is a 40ish Jewish woman victimized in the Warsaw ghetto and Treblinka, who then fights racism in the United States," I said. "You"re 25. And you"re blonde." And you think Treblinka is a shop on Melrose. I kept that last thought in my head. No point confusing her.
"Jessica Lange is blonde."
"Jessica Lange also has two Oscars," I said. "So does Ellen, for that matter. One in each acting category. And she"s also not 25, or blonde. Mich.e.l.le, let it go. If you want to work on your craft, we can get you into some live theater. That"s craft. Craft up the wazoo. They"re doing Doll"s House over at the Dorothy Chandler. You"ll love it."
"Tom, I want that part."
"We"ll talk about it later, Mich.e.l.le. I"ve got to get back to Brad. Gotta go. We"ll talk soon."
"Remember to tell him about the hair--" I clicked her off and switched Brad back on. "Sorry, Brad."
"I hope she was telling you not to blow this offer by asking for too much," Brad said.
"Actually, she was telling me about another project she"s really pa.s.sionate about," I said. "Hard Memories."
"Oh, come on," Brad said. "She"s a little young and blonde to be playing Yentl, isn"t she? Anyway, Ellen Merlow just got that part. Read it in the Times today."
"Since when does the Times get anything right? Mich.e.l.le"s a little young for the part, yes, but that"s what makeup is for. She"s a draw. Could get a whole other audience for serious drama."
Brad snorted. "She won"t be getting fourteen million for that," he said. "That"s their entire budget."
"No, but she"ll be working on her craft," I said. I popped the ball up and down on my desk. "The Academy eats that stuff up. It"s a nomination, easy. Like Cher in Silkwood." Sometimes I can"t believe what comes out of my own mouth.
But it was working. I could hear Brad weighing the options in his mind. The project at hand was the sequel to Murdered Earth -- called, in a burst of true creativity, Earth Resurrected. They had a problem: they killed off the hero in the first film. Which as just as well, since Mark Glavin, who played him, was a loser who was well on his way to replicating the career arc of Mickey Rourke.
So when it came to the sequel, they had to build it around Mich.e.l.le, whose character managed to survive. The script had been written, the casting completed, and the pre-production was rolling along under a full head of steam. Stopping now to recast or rewrite was not an option. They were over a barrel -- they knew it and I knew it. What we were arguing about now was the size of the barrel.
Miranda"s head popped through the door again. I glared at her. She shook her head. Not her, she mouthed. Carl.
I set the ball down. When? I mouthed.
Three minutes, she mouthed.
"Brad, listen," I said. "I"ve got to get -- I"ve just been told I have a meeting with Carl. He"s going to want to know where we stand on this. Hard Memories has about wrapped up its casting. We have to tell them one thing or another. I have to tell Carl one thing or another."
I could hear Brad counting in his head. "f.u.c.k," he said, finally. "Ten million and ten percent."
I glanced down at my watch "Brad, it"s been a pleasure talking to you. I hope that my client can work with you again some at some point in the future. In the meantime, I wish you and the other Murdered Earth producers the best of success. We"re going to miss being a part of that family."
"You b.a.s.t.a.r.d," Brad said. "Twelve five, salary and percentage. That"s it. Take it or don"t."
"And you hire her hair and makeup people."
Brad sighed. "Fine. Why the h.e.l.l not. Allen"s bringing his people. It"ll be one big party. We"ll all put on pancake together and then get a weave."
"Well, then, we have a deal. Courier over the contract and we"ll start picking at it. And remember we still need to wrangle about merchandising."
"You know, Tom," Brad said, "I remember when you were a nice kid."
"I"m still a nice kid, Brad," I said. "It"s just now I"ve got clients that you need. Chat with you soon." I hit the phone b.u.t.ton and looked at my watch.
I just closed the biggest deal of the year to date, earned one and a quarter million for my company and myself, and still had 90 seconds before the meeting with Carl. More than enough time to pee.
When you"re good, you"re good.
Chapter Two.
I came out of the bathroom with 30 seconds left on the ticker, and started walking briskly towards the conference room. Miranda was trotting immediately behind.
"What"s the meeting about?" I asked, nodding to Drew Roberts as I pa.s.sed his office.
"He didn"t say," Miranda said.
"Do we know who else is in the meeting?"
"He didn"t say," Miranda said.
The second-floor conference room sits adjacent to Carl"s office, which is at the smaller end of our agency"s vaguely egg-shaped building. The building itself has been written up in Architectural Digest, which described it as a "Four-way collision between Frank Gehry, Le Corbousier, Jay Ward and the salmonella bacteria." It"s unfair to the salmonella bacteria. My office is stacked on the larger arc of the egg on the first floor, along with the offices of all the other junior agents. After today, a second-floor, little-arc office was looking somewhat more probable in the future. I was humming the theme to "The Jeffersons" as Miranda and I got to the door of the conference room and walked through.
In the conference room sat Carl, an aquarium, and a lot of empty chairs.
"Tom," said Carl. "Good of you to come."
"Thanks, Carl," I said, "Good of you to have the meeting." I then turned to the table to consider probably the most important decision of the meeting: Where to sit.
If you sit too close to Carl, you will be pegged as an obsequious, toadying suck-up. Which is not all that bad. But it will also mean you run the risk of depriving a more senior agent his rightful position at the table. Which is very bad. Promising agency careers had been brutally derailed for such casual disregard of one"s station.
On the other hand, if you sit too far away, it"s a signal that you want to hide, that you haven"t been getting your clients the good roles and the good money; thus you"ve become a drag on the agency. Agents smell fear like sharks smell wounded sea otter pups. Soon your clients will be poached from you. You"ll then have nothing to do but stare at your office walls and drink antifreeze until you go blind.
I sat about halfway down the table, slightly closer to Carl than not. What the h.e.l.l. I earned it.
"Why are you sitting so far away?" Carl asked.
I blinked.
"I"m just saving s.p.a.ce for the other folks in the meeting," I said. Had he heard about the Mich.e.l.le Beck deal already? How does he do it? Has he tapped my phone? I goggled frantically at Miranda, who was standing behind me, notepad at ready. She shot me a look that said, don"t ask me. I"m just here to take shorthand.
"That"s very considerate of you, Tom," Carl said. "But no one else is coming. In fact, if you don"t mind, I"d prefer it if Ms. Escalon wouldn"t mind excusing us as well."
This would be the point where I casually dismissed my a.s.sistant and turned suavely to Carl, ready for our executive pow-wow. What I ended up doing was staring blankly. Fortunately, Miranda was on the ball. "Gentlemen," she said, excusing herself. On her way out, she dug the spike of her shoe into my pinky toe, and snapped me back to reality. I stood up, looking for where to sit.