"Is that so?" says the wife, her voice as cold as Cape Nome. "Why didn"t you marry her then instead of me?"
"She didn"t ask me till it was too late," I says, grinnin" like a wolf.
"Here, here!" says Alex. "How is it you people is always quarrelin"
every time I come here for a visit?"
"We figure you"ll get sore and beat it," I says.
"Now, boys," says Eve, "let"s forget we are all one family and be friends. Why aren"t you folks out celebratin" peace to-night?"
"We wasn"t invited," I says. "And I have bought my last ticket from a speculator."
"Invited?" says Eve, which always takes everything except Alex serious.
"Why, all New York seems to be on Broadway!"
"That"s what people from Chicago always thinks," I says. "But they"s more to the town than that."
"Oh, hush that near comedy," says the wife. "C"mon, we"re going to see "Wronged By Mistake.""
"I"ll see Beryldine Nearer," I says in a loud and angry voice, "or we don"t go nowhere!"
We went to see "Wronged By Mistake."
The movin" picture company which is responsible for this film claims it cost them $100,000 to make the picture. Maybe it did, I don"t know.
What I do know is that it cost me $1000 to see it! Why? Lend me your ears, as the dumb guy said.
The hero of this here picture was no less than Carrington De Vire.
This guy"s name is familiar in burgs where they don"t know if Wilson or Washington is still president of the United States. His name is on more collars than you ever seen and he gets more money a week than you and me makes in six years, even if you cut his advertised salary in half. He"s prob"ly caused more girls to take their pens in hand than any ma.s.sage cream in the world and to say he is a handsome dog is like remarkin" that the Grand Canyon is pleasant to look at. The only magazine which ain"t printed his photo at least once with a auto, a country place and a coupla trick dogs at his side is the _Hardware Trade Review_ and the _Steamfitters" Friend_.
The minute Carrington De Vire appears on the screen and gives the natives a treat by presentin" one and all with a pleasant smile, the wife and Eve begins to rave about him out loud. He kisses the leadin"
woman and they let forth a sigh which would of made me jealous only I got too much brains. The villain slams him, prob"ly because he got sick of lookin" at the big fathead, and the women groans. He knocks the villain kickin" and they applaud their hands off and when he fights his way through a gang of supes which will lose their jobs if they don"t fall when he hits "em, I thought most of the female part of the audience would pa.s.s away with joy!
"I think he"s simply wonderful, don"t you?" murmurs Eve to the wife.
They is no argument about it.
Alex give a snort.
"If they"s anything wonderful about that feller," he says, "then I"m more astonishin" than wireless. Anybody can do that stuff! Why--"
"Why, the idea!" b.u.t.ts in Eve. "I actually believe you"re jealous. I think Carrington De Vire is simply divine--marvelous!"
"Wait till you see Niagara Falls," I says.
"Both of them are jealous," says the wife. "I"m surprised at Alex saying that any one could act as well as Carrington De Vire. Why, I think he"s got Faversham beaten a mile. You have to be born with talent like that!"
"I think the wife"s right in one thing at last," I says. "I like them male movie heroes and carbolic acid the same way, but you got to hand it to this bird--he"s _some_ actor! Yep, Alex, you can"t learn that stuff out of no book, you gotta be born with it."
"You"re all crazy!" announces Alex, with another snort. "I can go out right now and dig up a dozen fellers which never seen a camera in their life and they"ll duplicate anything Carrington De Vire ever did on a screen. Where does he get off to be wonderful? Some feller with brains writes a play, another feller with money puts it on and then another feller with technical knowledge tells De Vire, which ain"t got none of them things, where to stand and the like while he acts it.
Why--"
"Ridiculous!" b.u.t.ts in Eve. "Carrington De Vire has extraordinary talent. He has thousands of admirers all over the country.
Why--why--he"s famous!"
"Of course," says the wife. "It"s too silly to talk about. Alex has reached the stage now where he thinks he can do anything!"
"Yeh?" says Alex. "Well, I reached the stage where I thought I could do anything about three minutes after I was born! I"ll bet right now I can go down to the docks or some place and get a handsome stevedore and make him as big a star as Carrington De Vire in six months!"
"Don"t be idiotic," laughs Eve. "Imagine a stevedore as a moving picture star!"
"Why not?" demands Alex, lookin" like the idea had made a hit with him.
"Ain"t a stevedore as good as anybody else? I"ll bet a thousand dollars even that I can catch one or somebody like him and make him a movie star. What d"ye say?"
"I"ll say this," I says. "We come here to see this picture and not to hear you make a speech. This here"s a theatre and not no race track and forget about that bettin" thing. If you can make a movie star out of a stevedore, I can make a watch outa a hard boiled egg!"
They is some people behind us which can"t see the picture on account of us talkin" and they begin to hiss at us. It bothers Alex the same as rain worries a duck.
"Is they steam escapin" somewheres?" he remarks, turnin" his head.
"Why, brakemen have became railroad presidents," he goes on, "bootblacks have became bankers, prize fighters have turned evangelists and the United States has went dry. Why shouldn"t a stevedore become a movie star?"
"We"ll all become throwed outa here if you don"t keep quiet!" I says.
"Ssh, Alex," says the wife. "Don"t get so excited about it. There"s no use attempting the impossible and--"
"They ain"t nothin impossible!" b.u.t.ts in Alex. "I"m willin" to prove it. Why don"t somebody bet me, hey?"
"Why don"t you hire Madison Square Garden for that speech?" hisses a guy behind us. "Heavens, what a pest!"
"Call the usher," puts in a dame with him. "Them people has did nothin" but talk since they come in here!"
"What d"ye want us to do--sing?" growls Alex.
"Alex, be still!" whispers Eve. "I"ve missed the whole picture through your talking. Now we"ll have to stay and see it all over again."
"Have a nice time," says Alex, gettin" up and grabbin" my arm. "We"ll wait outside for you. One dose a day of Carrington De Vire is all I can take!"
The bunch in back glares at us and says somethin" about what a crime it is to let drunken men come into a theatre.
Outside on the pavement, Alex lets forth a snort and whiffs the fresh air like it was wine.
"Think of my wife sittin" in there and worshippin" that big stiff," he snarls. "And yours, too!"
"We all have our faults," I says. "I knowed a guy once which was crazy over fried parsnips."
"They ain"t nothin" to laugh at in this," he says, slappin" his hands together. "I ain"t a jealous man, but no movie hero is gonna be no G.o.d to my wife!"
"Why don"t you go in the movies yourself, then?" I says. "They might hire you for a picture with Carrington De Vire in it, and you can knock him kickin" in five reels or the like."
"Huh!" says Alex, "what do I care about the movies? I got a better plan than that and it will accomplish the same purpose. I"ll show Eve and the rest of you how easy it is to be a movie hero--I"ll make money out of it, too!" he adds, with the old glitter in his eyes.