The wife sniffs.
"I never heard tell of no man that couldn"t eat porterhouse steaks!"
she says.
"I seen a lot of them to-day," says Alex, puttin" on his coat.
"Where?" asks the wife.
"I was pa.s.sin" the Evergreen Cemetery!" says Alex. "Good night, all!"
The next day, Hector comes to me before the game and you never seen such a change in a guy in your life! He looked like he hadn"t slept a wink since they buried Washington and he"s as nervous as a steam drill.
"Mac," he says, "I wanna ask two favors off of you, the first I asked in a long while."
"Shoot, Hector!" I tells him. "You know I can deny you nothin"."
"I want a week off and the loan of five hundred bucks," he says.
"I"ll tell you," I says. "Take _two_ weeks off and forget about the five hundred, heh?"
"No, Mac--I gotta have the dough!" he says. "With what I got saved up, I figure it"ll be ample."
"Ample for what?" I asks.
"I can"t tell no man nothin" about it now," he answers, "but when I come back from my vacation, I"ll let you in on it. I don"t like to say this, Mac--but when I was slippin" it to you, I never asked whether you wanted it to get a hair cut with or to try and put Wall Street on the b.u.m. If--"
"That"s enough!" I cuts him off, takin" out the roll. "Here you are, Hector--and if you want any more they"s plenty of it where that come from!"
They was--in the mint.
When Hector had put some distance between himself and the ball park, I begin to think the thing over. If he _did_ pull any startlin" stunt, I stood to lose a thousand bucks, not countin" the weddin" gift, to Alex.
They was five hundred more I"d invested right then, makin" fifteen hundred in all, which I considered was gettin" into money. For all I knowed, Hector and Alex might be framin" me and they ain"t no man livin" who loves bein" a sucker.
I decided right then and there to shoot another nickel on the thing and I called up the Ryan Detective Agency. Mike Ryan had been a friend of me and Hector since we"d been in baseball. I told him the whole layout and asked for a report on the activities of Hector the followin" day, if possible.
It was three days before I seen Ryan"s report. He give it to me himself by mouth.
"Say!" he says. "This Hector bird has gone nutty, and I suppose bein"
friends of his, you and me had better have him put away where he can"t do himself no violence."
"What"s he doin"?" I asks.
"Well," says Ryan, "I"ll give you the dope since he left the ball park on Monday. The first thing he does is go to the bank and draw out every nickel he"s got. Then he moves from the hotel to Cereal Crossin", N. J. This burg casts eleven votes for president every four years and they all work on the same farm. Hector hires a shack away out in the middle of the woods there and, from then on, boxes and crates begins to arrive for him from everywheres but Brazil. I met up with a Secret Service guy who had dropped in to get a line on what kinda bombs Hector was makin" before pinchin" him, and we went through this express stuff durin" the night. The first crate we tackled contained all the gla.s.sware in the world of a medical nature. They was bottles, test tubes, bowls and all the stuff usual found in a practical anarchist"s workshop. After the first peep, the Secret Service guy wanted to run right over and fit Hector with iron bracelets, but I got him to hold off long enough to look over the rest of the stuff. We went through every box and what d"ye think we found in "em?"
"I wasn"t there," I says. "Tell me."
"Well," says Ryan, grinnin", "when all this stuff was a.s.sembled, it would make a first cla.s.s delicatessen shop and that"s all! They was meats, cheese, olive oil, fish, vegetables, pickles, mustard and about fifteen other eatables I never seen or heard tell of before in my life!
We busted a lot of it open, lookin" for explosives, but they was all on the level. Why, that bird"s got enough stuff down there to keep him in food for the rest of his life!"
I bust out laughin".
"Ha, ha!" I says. "That"s it! The poor fathead went and fell for that bunk Alex handed him and he"s gone and laid in that stuff so"s he won"t starve when the government seizes the food supplies. Can you tie that?"
"I always thought he was a little queer," says Ryan. "Especially when he claims he"s a ball player. Let"s get him in some nice, private sanitarium somewheres and I"ll split the bill with you."
"Leave him alone!" I says. "I"ll take care of this myself. If he stays there long enough, I gotta chance to win a piece of money and--"
"All right!" says Ryan. "It ain"t no milk outa my coffee, but that bird oughta be under lock and key!"
I could hardly wait to tell Alex about Hector"s first step towards success. I rung him up immediately and give him the dope, windin" up by askin" when he"d be ready to pay me off.
"Pay _you_ off?" he says. "Save that comedy for Cousin Alice! Just you leave Hector be now; from what you tell me everything"s goin" fine and--"
"Goin" fine?" I hollers. "When that poor simp buries himself in Jersey with all the food in the world, do you call that makin" good?"
"Gimme a week!" says Alex. "He said he"d be back then, and if he ain"t shown somethin" by that time, you get the check."
"Fair enough!" I says, "and have it certified."
The followin" Monday night, Alex as usual is honorin" me and the wife with his presence at dinner. I was in such good humor that I didn"t as much as wince when he calls for another piece of roast beef, makin" an even eight. Hector had failed to appear as advertised and the noted Success Developer had promised to pay me off before he left. They was a ring at the bell and the wife ushers in Hector, ruinin" the night for me!
"I would of reported at the ball park this afternoon like I promised,"
he says, "only I was in a burg where the only time a train ever stopped there was when one went off the track."
I hardly knowed it was the same Hector which went away the week before.
His cheeks was filled out past the legal limit and he had a color that would make an insurance company let him write his own policy. He was Alfred Q. Health--that"s all!
"I"m sorry to see you people eatin" the flesh of the cow, roasted in an unscientific manner," he says. "One slab of that is shy just forty-eight calories and they"s more proteins in a filetted bean!" He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a little package. "If I can draw up a chair here," he says, "I"ll have dinner with you."
"I"ll get another plate," says the wife, "and some coffee--"
"Not a thing!" says Hector. "I got mine with me!" With that he unwraps the package and pulls out a thing about the size of a deck of cards. I thought at first it was a razor hone, but Hector bites into it. "Just a gla.s.s of water," he says, "though with this a man don"t even need that!"
Alex bounces outa his chair and gimme the laugh.
"What"s that?" he hollers at Hector.
"That," says Hector, "is the last word in calories, protein and nourishment! It contains each and every juice and sustainin" part of all meats and vegetables known to man, with a little glutein invention of my own combined. It has got it forty ways on all other patent foods, because it"s not only nourishin", it"s so darned tasty that once you eat it you get the habit, like dope or somethin", and you can"t eat anything else! It"ll keep forever without ice or preservatives. You don"t need liquids with it, it supplies its own juices. It"s got a kick like booze and they ain"t no alcohol in it. I invented it and I been livin" on it all week. Look me over and--"
"Gimme a bite!" yells Alex.
He grabs this weird lookin" slab of gue and takes a mouthful.
"Oh, lady!" he hollers. "They"s just two things I wanna know. What does it cost to make this stuff, and will it stand scientific tests?"
"It costs about two cents a square, roughly speakin"," says Hector, "and it"ll stand any test in the world! Three of them things is the day"s food for a healthy man and--"
"Will you lend me one for two days?" asks Alex, reachin" for his coat and hat.