"You"re just like your wife claims," she grins. "Full of life and fun!
But I"m keepin" you from your food, ain"t I? I wanted to know if you"d let Mister Simmons climb down your fire escape."
"Feed him some veronal," I says, "and he"ll no doubt be O.K. in the mornin". The first day is always tough!"
"Why, what do you mean?" she says. "I merely asked if my husband could climb down your fire escape."
I seen I had wild pitched the first time, so I tried my luck again.
"Is your joint on fire?" I says.
"Oh, no!" she tells me. "But we are locked out. My husband invented a new kind of lock--he"s always inventing something that will do everything but work. He put this lock on our door and now he can"t open it himself! Isn"t that killing?"
"A riot!" I admits. "Come right in."
The wife is gettin" nervous at me bein" out there so long, and when she heard a female voice laughin", of course that didn"t help matters none.
She meets this dame half way in the hall and the minute they seen each other they fall together in fond embrace. I found out later they"d known each other as long as a week and the last time they met was an hour before.
Well, we get introduced all around and then this bird which invented a lock that n.o.body on earth could open, includin" himself, goes out on the fire escape followed by his charmin" wife. They entered their flat by the novel method of usin" the kitchen window. This guy didn"t open his mouth from the time he come in till he went out, and when spoke to, he blushed all over and acted like he wished to Heaven he could hide under the sofa. His wife, though, had nothin" against conversation as a sport. She was talkin" when she come in and she went out the same way. I never seen n.o.body in my life who could talk as fast and frequent as this dame and if her husband had hung that trick lock on her tongue he would of made himself solid with me!
"That"s that lovely Mrs. Simmons," says the wife, when they had went.
"It"s too bad her husband ain"t a live one."
"Gettin" married has buried many a good man!" I says.
"It didn"t change _you_ none," she says. "You was a dead one when I got you!"
"Here!" b.u.t.ts in Alex. "Don"t you people get started again! I wanna finish my supper in peace. What"s wrong with Mister Simmons?"
"He ain"t got no pep," says the wife. "They"s many a more ambitious man than he is with a tomb around him! He"s been keepin" books for twenty dollars a week since the discovery of arithmetic, and he ain"t got a raise since they blowed up the _Maine_. He"s afraid to ask for more money for fear the boss will find out he"s on the pay roll and fire him. They"s one ounce more brains in a billiard ball than they is in his head. He--"
"Wait!" interrupts Alex. "This here sounds interestin" to me. In the first place, they ain"t a doubt in my mind but what you got that feller figured all wrong! Like all the rest of you simple minded and innocent New Yorkers, you get brains and _imagination_ mixed. They is a big difference! _Brains_ is what puts a man over, and _imagination_ is what keeps him back. The ideal combination is all brains and no imagination! The feller with brains sets his mind on what he wants, forgets everything else, goes to it and gets it. He don"t for a minute consider what might happen if he fails, or that the thing he proposes has never been done before, or that maybe his scheme ain"t really as good as he first thought it was. Why don"t he think of them things?
Because he ain"t got no imagination! The imaginative feller is beat from the start. He keeps thinkin" from every possible angle, what might happen to him if he _fails_ and, by the time he gets that all figured out, his idea is cold and his enthusiasm for it has drowned in the sea of possibilities his roamin" mind has created! The feller which said, "look before you leap!" might of been clever, but I bet he thought a five-dollar bill was as big as they made "em till he went to his grave! If I"d had imagination, I"d never of come to New York and made good. I"d of been afraid the town was too big for me. Now this feller Simmons, I"ll betcha, is simply sufferin" from a case of too much imagination. He must have _somethin"_ in his head or he couldn"t even keep books. It takes brains to balance accounts, the same as it takes money to pay "em. Am I right?"
"What d"ye say, if we go to the movies?" I says.
Alex gets up in disgust.
"Is that all the interest I"m gettin" here?" he asks.
"This ain"t no bank!" I tells him.
"Be still!" says the wife. "I heard every word you said, Alex dear. I think you"re horribly interestin". But I still claim Simmons is a fat-head whose butcher bill gives him trouble every month! He never takes that poor wife of his nowheres, but a walk past the Fifth Avenue Library, and she don"t know if they have dancin" or swimmin" in cabarets. He"s always drawin" things on pieces of paper, and he sits up half the night inventin" what-nots that would be all right, if they wasn"t useless."
"Yes," says Alex, "and some day he"ll hit on somethin" that"ll prob"ly make him famous!"
"I wanna see Beryldine Nearer in "The Vaccinated Vampire"," I says, reachin" for my hat. "I seen her last week in "Almost A Fiend" and she was a knockout!"
"Shut up!" says the wife. "What was you sayin", again, Alex?"
"I says it"s the dreamer which has made the world what it is to-day,"
he goes on, strikin" a pose. "He _thinks_ of somethin" and the practical feller comes along and makes money out of it. Take--"
"They ain"t no man can keep me from the movies!" I b.u.t.ts in. "I ain"t gonna be late and only see half of this picture. I done that too often! You and Alice can fight it out amongst yourselves if--"
"All right!" says the wife. "Come on, we"ll all go. I admit freely I"m crazy to see Beryldine Nearer again, myself. I seen a gown on her in the last picture which I think I can duplicate in time for Mrs.
Martin"s card party. We"ll ask Mr. and Mrs. Simmons to go with us too.
The poor dear, it"ll be a treat for her."
"It"ll be a treat for her husband, too!" I says. "I ain"t gonna take the whole neighborhood to the movies. You must think I"m the Liberty Loan, don"t you?"
The wife comes over and kisses me.
"Now, dear," she says. "Don"t be so close across the chest. Won"t you take "em for me?"
Well, when all Broadway used to roll over and play dead when she pulled that smile, what chance have _I_ got?
"I"d take carbolic for you!" I answers, givin" her a squeeze. "Go ahead, honey, invite the first two pagefuls outa the phone book if you want and I"ll take "em all!"
"There you go," she says. "No wonder we"re not wealthy! If it wasn"t for me holdin" you down, we wouldn"t have a nickel. I"ll call down and tell Mrs. Simmons to get ready--they may have an engagement themselves!"
"I doubt if I"m lucky enough for that to happen!" I says.
Well, I missed out again. They come up all right, and Mrs. Simmons is tickled to death. When set for the street, she was a pretty good looker herself, but Simmons ain"t even got a hat with him.
"Mister Simmons prefers to stay at home," says his wife, causin" my heart to leap with joy. "He has some important work to do, haven"t you, dear?"
Simmons flushes all up.
"Why--eh--yes--quite so--much obliged--excuse me," he stutters, backin"
away like he thought I"d wallop him for not goin".
Alex is lookin" at him strangely.
"Pardon me," he says. "We just been talkin" over some of the wonderful ideas you been workin" on. I have a inventive twist in my brains myself and that lock you put together interests me very much. Could I see it?"
Simmons brightens up in a flash and commences to grin.
"I"d be very glad indeed to show it to you," he says. "Very glad! Its a--"
Alex goes over and puts his arm on his shoulder.
"You folks run along to the movies," he tells us. "Mr. Simmons and me is got a little conference on--eh, Simmons?" He prods him in the ribs and giggles.
Simmons wags his head. A guy with two gla.s.s eyes could see he was tickled silly.
I dragged the rest of "em out.
Well, we come in from the movie around eleven o"clock and stopped in the Simmons flat. They had dragged me into a delicatessen parlor on the way back and put the bee on me for a cold lunch. We was to eat it in Mrs. Simmons"s flat. All she furnished was the idea. Alex and Simmons is sittin" in the dinin" room and they"re so interested in each other they don"t even look up when we come in. The table is full of drawin"s and blue prints and sc.r.a.ps of paper all covered over with figures. Simmons is pointin" out somethin" to Alex on a piece of paper, and I"ll lay the world four to one Alex ain"t got the slightest idea what the other guy"s talkin" about, but he"s listenin" like he"s hearin" the secret of makin" gold outa mud.