ALICE. "There was no plan; there wasn"t time for one. But you were certainly rather horrid, Robert, in the way you gloated over me when you saw them take to you. I have been gloating a little perhaps in taking them from you."
COLONEL. "Them? You are going a little too fast, my dear. I have still got Cosmo and Molly."
ALICE. "For the moment."
COLONEL. "Woman."
ALICE. "Remember, Amy said you must not call me that."
He laughs as he takes her by the shoulders.
"Yes, shake me; I deserve it."
COLONEL. "You do, indeed," and he shakes her with a ferocity that would have startled any sudden visitor. No wonder, then, that it is a shock to Cosmo, who comes blundering in. Alice is the first to see him, and she turns the advantage to unprincipled account.
ALICE. "Robert, don"t hurt me. Oh, if Cosmo were to see you!"
COSMO. "Cosmo does see him." He says it in a terrible voice. Probably Cosmo has been to a theatre or two himself.
ALICE. "You here, Cosmo!"
She starts back from her a.s.sailant.
COLONEL, feeling a little foolish, "I didn"t hear you come in."
COSMO, grimly, "No, I"m sure you didn"t."
COLONEL, testily, "No heroics, my boy."
COSMO. "Take care, father." He stands between them, which makes his father suddenly grin. "Laugh on, sir. I don"t know what this row"s about, but"--here his arm encircles an undeserving lady--"this lady is my mother, and I won"t have her bullied. What"s a father compared to a mother."
ALICE. "Cosmo, darling Cosmo."
COLONEL, becoming alarmed, "My boy, it was only a jest. Alice, tell him it was only a jest."
ALICE. "He says it was only a jest, Cosmo."
COSMO. "You are a trump to shield him, mother." He kisses her openly, conscious that he is a bit of a trump himself, in which view Alice most obviously concurs.
COLONEL, to his better half, "You serpent."
COSMO. "Sir, this language won"t do."
COLONEL, exasperated, "You go to bed, too."
ALICE. "He has sent Amy to bed already. Try to love your father, Cosmo," placing many kisses on the spot where he had been slapped.
_Try for my sake_, and try to get Amy and Molly to do it, too."
Sweetly to her husband, "They will love you in time, Robert; at present they can think only of me. Darling, I"ll come and see you in bed."
COSMO. "I don"t like to leave you with him--"
ALICE. "Go, my own; I promise to call out if I need you."
On these terms Cosmo departs. The long-suffering husband, arms folded, surveys his unworthy spouse.
COLONEL. "You _are_ a hussy."
ALICE, meekly, "I suppose I am."
COLONEL. "Mind you, I am not going to stand Cosmo"s thinking this of me."
ALICE. "As if I would allow it for another hour! You won"t see much of me to-night, Robert. If I sleep at all it will be in Amy"s room."
COLONEL, lugubriously, "You will be taking Molly from me to-morrow."
ALICE. "I feel hopeful that Molly, too, will soon be taking care of me." She goes to him in her cajoling way: "With so many chaperones, Robert, I ought to do well. Oh, my dear, don"t think that I have learnt no lesson to-night."
COLONEL, smiling, "Going to reform at last?"
ALICE, the most serious of women, "Yes, Robert. The Alice you have known is come to an end. To-morrow--"
COLONEL. "If she is different to-morrow I"ll disown her."
ALICE. "It"s summer done, autumn begun. Farewell, summer, we don"t know you any more. My girl and I are like the little figures in the weather-house; when Amy comes out, Alice goes in. Alice Sit-by-the-fire henceforth. The moon is full to-night, Robert, but it isn"t looking for me any more. Taxis farewell--advance four-wheelers. I had a beautiful husband once, black as the raven was his hair--"
COLONEL. "Stop it."
ALICE. "Pretty Robert, farewell. Farewell, Alice that was; it"s all over, my dear. I always had a weakness for you; but now you must really go; make way there for the old lady."
COLONEL. "Woman, you"ll make me cry. Go to your Amy."
ALICE. "Robert--"
COLONEL. "Go. Go. Go."
As he roars it Amy peeps in anxiously. She is in her nightgown, and her hair is down and her feet are bare, and she does not look so very much more than five. Alice is unable to resist the temptation.
ALICE, wailing, "Must I go, Robert?"
AMY. "Going away? Mother! Father, if mother goes away, what is to become of me?"
She draws them together until their hands clasp. There is now a beatific smile on her face. The curtain sees that its time has come; it clicks, and falls.
THE END